Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

And it's still only just Wednesday

This week, on As Her Bad Mother Turns:

1) The Phallic Lovey disappears. Disaster ensues. Kermit is interrogated but yields no information. HBM calls in Jack Bauer but, sadly, he is preoccupied by fictional terrorists. HBM grumbles that Kermit is fictional, and very possibly a terrorist, too, but Jack still refuses to come to her aid.

2) HBM discovers that she is allergic to springtime.

3) Her Bad Father flies off to the Arctic to run sled dogs and ride around in helicopters while he shoots some dumb car commercial and HBM is left wrangle WonderBaby who does not, as it happens, respond to the command MUSH!

4) HBM discovers that her allergy to springtime causes her eyes and nose to turn red and her ears to plug up and her whole being to descend into misery.

5) Po secretly doesn't feel at all sad about the passing of Jerry Falwell but then worries that that maybe isn't very Christian of her.
6) HBM worries that she might be developing a mild Benadryl dependency.

7) Po remembers that she's a Tubbyterian and that Tubbyterians believe that gay-bashing televangelists go to the Fifth circle of Tubby Hell (Tubby-Haters, Bunny-Killers, Producers of Barney, Producers of WonderPets and Homophobic Televangelists) and feels a little bit better.

8) The Phallic Lovey mysteriously reappears. Kermit is released from custody. Po throws a party:

im in ur toybox smuttin ur toyz

9) HBM takes another Benadryl and has a nap.


Thanks to Jen for tagging me for a meme that I promptly bastardized, and thanks, too, to White Trash Mom and Tacky Princess (and, belatedly, Elizabeth, and am I forgetting anybody?) for thinking that I'm a thinking blogger. And thanks to GNM Parents, for nominating my dark ode to Mother's Day as a Hot Stuff post.

While I'm napping off the Benadryl blurries, you could go check this stuff out: more issues that never die, over at MBT; HBM's makeover (did she keep the bob? did she stay blond? did she resist the siren call of the PERM?), over at Mama Said Check This Out; and difficult reflections on infidelity, over at the Basement.


Blogger Unknown said...

too funny! the phallic lovey. Hope you make it through the rest of the week ok.

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're having waaaay-haaay-haaaay too much fun with those toys. And they will surface when the little one goes for therapy and the psych asks about her mother.

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Kermit is one trouble-makin' fool isn't he?

I knew he couldn't be trusted.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Po shouldn't feel bad. I think all Teletubbies get a pass after the outing of Tinky Winky.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Phoenix said...

What a great lovey, I may need a lovey like that. Kidding, I swear.

Try Zrytek, it's a wonder drug.

5:17 PM  
Blogger S said...

Oh, do I ever feel you about the allergies. This is the worst season yet for me.

5:58 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

aw. You are making me all weepy. bigirl had a Po. I don't know where it is. Sniff.......

I thought your hair looked just fabulous the other day by the by but I was just so entranced by Wonderbabys imitation of Hannibal Lector in his restraining cage that I did not mention it.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Oh, BubTar used to call them Tubby-tubbies. I can still hear his gruff little baby boy voice asking for them. *sigh*

That was a digression...but once you said Tubby it was all I could think of. I'm glad phallic lovey is back. What's a girl to do without her phallic lovey? *lol*

6:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Entire house down with allergy related crap. Have had so much Benedryl, I can't see straight. Hope the rain helps wash some of the pollen away and that you feel better soon.

7:31 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

i see the phallus. i see poe. i see kermy. who's the nekked chick?

7:53 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

oop. i mean PO. (not Poe, who is likely turning in his grave right now)

7:54 PM  
Blogger the new girl said...

The phallic lovey is my FAVORITE. I don't think I'd ever get tired, reading posts about the toys that are smuttin' up your toy box.

8:24 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Phallic lovey is killing me. What the hell is it supposed to be??

9:10 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

You are so twisted. Love you.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I've got to cop to number five. I wasn't glad or anything. Just, not sad.

10:27 PM  
Blogger LSM said...

Okay, so my almost eleven year old came in just as I was scrolling past Kermit and the phallic lovey. "Kermit!" she says. And then, "What's that thing in the middle?"

"Umm, that's a baby stacking toy. You know the kind you put rings on." Scroll, scroll, scroll.

"Oh, okaaay."

Warning, it's hard to explain the phallic lovey to children over 8 or so!

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Andi identified with #5, and then REALLY identified with Po's feelings in #7. Perhaps she is a Tubbyterian, too?

10:40 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

1) How are you lucky enough to have a phallic lovey and 2) where can I get one?... :-)

10:41 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Joy - nekkid chick is Bebby. You don't recognize her from the grocery cart?

10:53 PM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

I, too, am addicted to Benadryl. It is like a wonderful sleeping pill that also helps the allergies!!!
Seriously, I'm just getting through this week too.
Glad you found the lovey. Too bad kermit couldn't help.

11:04 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

mmmmmm benadryl *drool*

11:05 PM  
Blogger amyinbc said...

Kermit always was my favorite Muppet. Who knew he was so well hung?

11:33 PM  
Blogger The Estrogen Files said...

Phallic lovey - there's a reason I read your blog at night after the kids are in bed!! Too many laughs bring too much attention. SO glad the lovey is bad.

im in ur toybox smuttin ur toyz

LAUGHING SO LOUD and waking the family!!

12:30 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

The lovey returns just as Jerry Falwell exits. Coincidence? I think not.

2:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my, that is one phallic lovey! Kermit seems to be quite happy.
Nothing like a little Benadryl buzz. I tied one on myself.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Bon said...

hey, i didn't know i was a Tubbyterian. finally, i figure out why i've been so existentially confused all these years.

and, um, Kermy looks happy to see the lovey back.

roll, Jerry, roll.

10:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't stop making statements in lolcats style. It is driving my boyfriend nuts.

10:32 AM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Woe is the frog. Will Kermit's bad-*ss reputation ever recover from being named as a suspectinitially? I think not.

And nor should it: he hangs out with a tellytubby???!!!


And I didn't feel bad about Jerry Falwell either... I really detested what that man stood for.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A nap. Hmmm. Maybe that's what I need these days.

12:30 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Blech. This sounds like a time to start busting out some cliches, if ever there was one.

This too shall pass!
It's always darkest before the dawn!
(is that even true?)
Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
And so on!

Feel better soon, you.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is something to what "jules said"....but you are a gifted writer and this is a pleasure to read in a corrupt kind of way. Maybe WonderBaby won't need therapy maybe she will be the next Dr. Ruth.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

I was just watching that classic movie 'Hitch' last night where he wasdrinking Benedryl like it was a juice box...

2:23 PM  
Blogger Claire Cameron said...

Feel better. I'm glad you kept the bob.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Phallic loveys and Benadryl: mommy's best friend.

Mix with wine. Go to bed. Dream of midnight sun and spinning tires and the day off you will get when HbH returns ...

9:34 PM  
Blogger ms blue said...

Allergies suck. At least happiness was found with the Phallic Lovey!

10:04 PM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

I hope reprints of that photo will be available soon!

10:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

glad to hear that kermie returned wonderbabys phallic lovey back to her.and allergies suck as my stuffed up nose scratchy throat and itchy dry eyes can attest to.

11:43 AM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

Bossy is going to comment. Promise. Just as soon as she gathers her wits after guffawing at that last photo. HA!

2:19 PM  

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