Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Almost

Further update below...

I have never been so emotionally exhausted in all my life.

Zachary is improved. Improved enough that we can say, now - our hearts in our mouths - he almost died. He almost died.

We can only say that, now, because there is every reason to remain hopeful that that 'almost' will remain past tense. Expectantly hopeful. Positively hopeful.

But still: my heart is so tired.

I have been in hospital with Zachary - alongside my sister, who has been sleeping in a chair at his side for a week now - around the clock, cut off from the rest of the world. Soon it will be time to return. For the moment, my access to technology is limited. And that's fine - my attention, my energies, my everything is needed here.

But still. I am so tired. I wish that I were not so tired, so that I could use my words, find solace in using my words, telling this story.

Soon.

Update: we're still at hospital. Zachary has sustained such extensive nerve damage that they don't know if he'll be able to walk again. He's trying so, so hard. It's both heart-bursting and heart-breaking.

Me, I'm living in the dark ages - there's no wireless here and my smartphone isn't working properly and so I only have computer access when I stand in line for the one dial-up system on the ward. I'm limited to text and sporadic access to some machine that was built in 1983. But know that I am - and Zachary is, and my sister is - receiving all your warm wishes and hopes and prayers.

92 Comments:

Blogger lattemommy said...

Our hearts go out to you and your family. I hope that all the good thoughts and prayers emanating from your friends here have helped to buoy your spirits and Zachary's little body, helping you both through this terrible time.

2:25 AM  
Blogger Rachael said...

I can't imagine how exhausted, how spent you all must be. What a difficult time. I'm glad things are improving and I'll be praying that all is well soon for Zachary.

2:51 AM  
Blogger just beth said...

I'm so glad that you were able to be there... for yourself, for Zach, and probably mostly for your sister. You rock hardcore.

xo

b.

P.S. Now, rest easy, little one.

3:00 AM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

I'm so glad he's doing better Catherine.

4:03 AM  
Anonymous wright said...

So glad to hear Z is doing better. Hope you get some much needed rest soon!

4:18 AM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

I am so glad that it is now an almost rather than did.

4:44 AM  
Blogger Cassie said...

I'm so sorry that this happened. My thoughts have been with you and your family.

4:49 AM  
Blogger JanMary said...

Glad to hear he is improving.

Take time to rest - and share only when you are ready.

xo

6:32 AM  
Anonymous Kaye said...

So glad to hear that Zachary is doing better. Hopefully, you and your sister will soon be able to get some much needed rest.

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Tory said...

I'm so glad Zachary is getting better. I'm so sorry you are so exhausted mentally and physically. Thanks for keeping us posted ... as you know know many of us were very worried and thinking of you. I hope the baby and you sleep on the flight home!

7:02 AM  
Blogger Dani said...

I'm glad things are improving.

7:15 AM  
Blogger Omaha Mama said...

I'm crying for your nephew, for you, for your family. Not sure if the tears are happy or sad. Probably a little of both.

7:35 AM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

I can't even imagine. Was thinking of you and Zachary all weekend and glad to see the news you've posted today. Will continue to send positive thoughts his way.

7:35 AM  
Blogger Mac and Cheese said...

I've been thinking of you guys all week-end. I'm tearing up now just imagining how you must feel.

7:52 AM  
Blogger Britt said...

i'm so glad to hear things are starting to turn around.
my little brother almost died under similar circumstances when he was four. (he's just ten now) so i know what you mean about the heart in the throat thing, and the "almost" being so precious and important. i still remember what he looked like in the hospital bed, with his body bearing little resembelance to his actual self.
when my daughter was born she was taken to the city hospital while i stayed in the local hospital in hysterics. my hub went with her and i was there all alone. my doctor came and patted my leg and said "soon, your family will be together again and this will all be a distant memory." i was so mad at him for saying that at the time, but i realize now he was right. the thing with my little brother is a distant (yet still tear invoking) memory. kids are thankfully so resiliant.

i hope your family will be together again soon, so this can start being a memory.
HUGS!

8:39 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

This, is very, very good. He will recover. And your energy is obviously part of what got him to this point. Love to you family from everyone here.

8:44 AM  
OpenID verybadcat said...

Glad to hear the little one is on the mend. Will be even gladder to read your story. Because I love your stories, but also? Because that means you're rested again.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Oh Catherine! I'm so glad. So very glad. What an awful scare. Hug your sister extra hard for me, even though she doesn't know me.

8:52 AM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm hoping each day that you have a positive update.

Love to all of you.

9:07 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

I am glad to hear that Zachary is doing better. I have been thinking about and praying for him and his momma.

9:10 AM  
Blogger smiles4u said...

I am glad that Zachary is doing better. I will continue to keep him, your sister and you in my prayers. Thankfully you are able to be there with them!

9:24 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I am so glad to hear the good news that he is getting better. Your sister is lucky to have you there and I'm sure it makes all the difference in the world to have that kind of support at a time like this. Take care of yourself, will continue to send good thoughts your way!

9:32 AM  
Blogger Jozet at Halushki said...

Hugs and love. And much rest and renewed strength to you all.

Rest now. Renew.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I'm so thankful that Zachary is doing better, and I'm so glad that you could be there with your sister. I can't imagine how much she needed you.

9:38 AM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I am sure your endless love and support ahs meant the world to them both. So glad to hear he is doing better. Rest well.

9:53 AM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

Very hopeful myself, and relieved and full of love for you, my friend.

9:55 AM  
Blogger KristySearching said...

Hopeful!!!!!!!

Remaining Hopeful!!!!!!

Hugs!

10:16 AM  
Blogger bigmama said...

I'm so glad you went there to be with everyone (and for yourself!!)...Zachary sure is loved and I'm sure he has felt it all along the way - even through his sufferings...may your family all rest up and God-speed on Zachary's full recovery!!

10:16 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

So wonderful to hear that he's improving. He remains in my prayers as he regains strength and can return home. I'm so glad you were able to get there and be a support for your family.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous Liz said...

I'm glad things are looking up. Hang in there. Poor Z. I wish him a speedy recovery. & a quick exit from hospital (they are so miserable)

10:38 AM  
Blogger Linda said...

Gosh, Catherine. I've been away for a bit and am just catching up now. I cannot imagine how exhausted and wrung out you must feel right now... I'm heartened to read that Zachary is improving -- how hopeful and encouraging for all of you! Hope he recovers readily and will soon be home with his family.

Take care of yourself, too.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Avonlea said...

I'm so very glad to hear that Zachary is improving. Hopeful and wishing you all the best.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Lizzi said...

Thanks so much for posting the update. We know you're so exhausted, but hang in there. Continued prayers for all of you.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

Thank God that Zachary is doing better. I will keep praying that he makes a full recovery. I hope rest and peace decend upon you.

11:24 AM  
Blogger carrie said...

If I could ship you a triple grande, half caf, extra foam, easy on the vanilla latte, I so totally would.

You are the best sister (and aunt) ever Catherine.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Prayers and more prayers coming his way! I am glad the news is positive.

11:51 AM  
Blogger HeatherPride said...

Glad to hear he's turned the corner! Keep us posted. Have been praying.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Mommy Melee said...

I'm so relieved to hear that you have this hope to hold onto. And it was so amazing of you to fly out and be there for your family.

You're an awesome lady.

12:01 PM  
Blogger Vered said...

I'm glad Zachary is doing better. Thank you for letting us know.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Average Jane said...

That's good to hear. Don't forget to take care of yourself now.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

This is wonderful news. I've been thinking about your family a lot. I can't imagine the exhaustion. I hope you get a chance to rest a bit now that he's improving.

12:47 PM  
Blogger caramama said...

Oh, Catherine! I'm so glad he has improved! I have been thinking and praying for you all.

That's great that you were able to get out there to be with your family, especially your sister. I'm sure you are taking care of her, cause I doubt she is taking care of herself. I know I'd be a complete wreck and need my sister for support.

1:10 PM  
Blogger abbyjess said...

Thank God. Let the healing continue.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I've been obsessively checking back for an update and I'm soooo fucking thankful the news is good. Here's hoping you get some rest soon!

2:06 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Hang in there, chickadee. Be where you need to be, we're not going anywhere. Sending get well thoughts to your nephew...and hugs to you.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

I can't even fathom having to whisper those words.

Peace and strength to you and yours.

2:50 PM  
OpenID wherewiller said...

So glad to hear you can say almost.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Green said...

I hope somebody can send your sister for a massage once Zachary is home from the hospital. The combination of prolonged extreme stress plus sleeping in a chair can NOT be good for the body. Still keeping my fingers and toes crossed for your nephew.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Tiffi33 said...

Almost counts in more than horseshoes and hand grenades...

I am glad this is an ALMOST..I wish him a full recovery..thank god he is getting better

3:48 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Wishing for a speedy recovery of his health, his mother's sanity and your heart.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I can't even imagine how exhausted you all must be.

My thoughts are with you...

4:07 PM  
Anonymous egm said...

I'm so happy and relieved for you and your family. Take care of yourself--we'll still be here when you get back.

4:21 PM  
Blogger PDX Mama said...

So glad to hear he is improved. I can't even imagine how frightening this has been for you and your family. My thoughts are with you.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Brandy said...

I'm so glad to hear he's doing better. My prayers are still with him.

5:30 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I am so glad you got there okay and I'm thrilled that Zachary is awake and making progress towards getting better.

The words will come when you're ready for then. Until then, thanks for the update and hugs to you and your family.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

That is wonderful. This has been in my heart since you left. I was almost afraid to check in on you. I am relieved, so relieved. Best wishes for his continued recovery.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Bon said...

i'm glad he's getting better...and i wish i could i could banish all those almosts securely to the past tense for you, for your sister and her family.

i will just keep hoping.

7:08 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Someday soon, this will be a great story for him - the one time he almost died. People will high-five him and buy him beer.
And I hope that by the time that day comes, your heart - and your sister's - will feel back to normal, will no longer have that ache of terror. I hope so.

8:04 PM  
Blogger Sugar said...

Yay for Zachary! AND for your family!

I can't wait to read more of your beautiful words.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I am glad to hear things are getting better. I will continue praying for your family.

8:29 PM  
Blogger HollowSquirrel said...

oh how I love "postively hopeful." thank the stars. Ginormous hugs to everyone and may you be able to get some rest soon.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

I'm praying for all of you.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

Sending you and yours- Peace.

11:25 PM  
Anonymous fruitlady said...

There are no words to express the relief at reading this post. I can only imagine that your feelings on it are thousands fold compared to your readers. I have thought of Zachary often in the last few days and kept hoping for this post to come.

12:02 AM  
Anonymous Nina said...

Breathing a sigh of relief for you and your sister and family and esp. for Zach.

(((Hugs))) and all that corny internet love shtuff.

1:27 AM  
Blogger BreezieGirl said...

So glad to hear Zachary is improving... my prayers and thoughts continue to be with you.

1:43 AM  
Blogger Minnie said...

You've got to be drained. I'm glad to hear that he's begining his recovery.
Sending warm wishes and prayers your way.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Ali said...

I have been there...done that with the meningitis. I had it myself when I was in my 20's....as a matter a fact I was admitted into the hospital with it on my 30th birthday! I went to that "almost " point too, but thank goodness pulled through. I may not know how you as a family member are feeling, but I do know exactly how Zachary is feeling. I'm glad he is doing better. Tell him to take it easy and don't rush getting back out and about.

9:31 AM  
Blogger ChurchPunkMom said...

Praise God that he's improving!! Continuing to cover you in prayer... God bless you.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous lavandula said...

oh catherine thats so great to hear. will keep praying for a speedy recovery for zachary.hugs to you

11:15 AM  
Blogger mek said...

oh - just now catching up on the last week, and so glad to read first the news that Zachary is getting better - I'll keep him and your family (flamily) in my thoughts.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous gururkarm said...

So glad you're able to check in. And, like everyone else, so happy to hear improvement is happening, and it appears he's past the worst. Now get some sleep! :-)

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

I will pray that he gets his legs back beneath him to carry him anywhere he wants to go. I'm so sorry that this happened and I wish I could make it all better for you and your family. Please let him walk again and be well again, Lord??

2:41 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

Prayers to Zachary.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I will continue to pray for Zachary and your family.

4:42 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Hoping so hard that the body's mircaulous nature rears it's head here and puts things to rights, C. Hugs all around.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Mommato2 said...

Oh, what you have all been through...I am so sorry for it. Yet, so pleased that he is on the mend...sending lots of love, prayers and hugs across the country to all of you.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Oh God, Catherine, my prayers are with you all. I'm sorry Zachary is going through this....

7:11 PM  
Blogger Anissa Mayhew said...

Catherine,

My prayers are with your sister, Zackary and your whole family. Hope is what keeps you all from running away into the night in fear. Trust me, I get that. Stay strong and focused.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

Sending you more love and strength. For Zachary, his mother, father and family...

7:50 PM  
Blogger tif said...

omg, i am so sorry for all the trouble ya'll are having. i will continue to pray so hard for you all. i am a pediatric nurse and see stuff like this frequently and it's always heartbreaking. it sounds though, like he's on the mend (fingers crossed), and i wish you all the luck and health in the world.

7:53 PM  
Blogger The Queen of Hyperbole said...

Healthy, healthy wishes.

2:12 AM  
Blogger THopgood said...

Thinking about you and praying for your nephew's full recovery.

7:33 AM  
Blogger coopkeeper said...

You have been in my prayers all week. It is so hard to just sit there and wait for the doctors to tell you something...ANYTHING.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous lavandula said...

oh catherine i believe in miracles... i believe he will make a full recovery and will continue to pray for him...

11:06 AM  
Blogger Haley-O said...

thinking of you, and your family. Praying.... ((hug))

4:32 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

All of my thoughts, and prayers, for continued improvement and the possibility of every day bringing better news.

10:31 PM  
Blogger the new girl said...

Oh God. Just. God.

I hope that you're taking care of you as you take care of them. I hope that you're all able to draw some measure of strength from each other.
xo

12:38 PM  
Blogger Rusti said...

I'm still thinking of, and praying for, all of you HBM... my fingers are also crossed... so sorry for what you are having to deal with right now, and wishing I could do something to help, and make it better...

{HUGS}

3:27 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Am still thinking of you all often. Sending love and love and more love.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Karen MEG said...

This is good news... my heart it still breaking that Zachary is struggling so, but glad that he is on the road to recovery. What a strong boy.

And I am so glad that you were able to be there for your sister. What a nightmare for you all.

Sending good thoughts your way...

8:36 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

thank you for the update on zachary... can't imagine how tired you must be. Your online friends send you many thoughts and good wishes your way!

12:12 PM  

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