Beaner
And then, there was this:
wow, you don't understand what your post really did for me today... I am right now in the middle of an adoption plan gone wrong... i have so many emotions going through my mind... Its hard for me to look at her sometimes because I know what I should do, but why can't I do it?! ...just got word the adoptive couple just wants to back out completely... is this a sign? do I keep my baby girl even though if I do I will be sacrificing the lives of all my children... this baby is #3... I would love to have your opinion... please...
Her name is Marie. When I saw her comment, the other day, I stood up from my chair, closed my computer and walked away. I walked into the room where my baby was sleeping, and sat down on the floor with my knees curled up against my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs, my heart pounding. I didn't cry. I was cried out already, from having written that post, from having taken that story that I've been carrying for days and bringing it to life, from having made public my pledge to do this remarkable, difficult thing. To find my brother.
If I wanted to make this story more poetic, I would say this: that I stood up and looked at my baby - my precious baby boy, this boy that I could no more give up than carve out my own heart - and, overwhelmed by my love for him, made my mind up to help Marie at once. But that's not what happened. I stood up, and took extra care to not look at my boy - for fear that I would be reduced to a sodden mess of tears - and went back to my computer. I opened it up and logged on to Twitter and prattled something about could anyone, anyone please go respond to this comment please please I just can't and then I went and ate some cake.
Then I went back to my computer and posted a response to Marie: Please, Marie. E-mail me.
And she did.
I found your blog one day just browsing and you are amazing... It was so ironic to find your story and here I am going through this... I haven't made a decision yet... I haven't even named my baby yet, she's been with me since monday and all I can call her is Beaner, what I called her when she was in my belly... I'm really confused, I don't know what to do..... She's not my only child, this is kinda a big mess...
I started my adoption plan 2 months ago, I told my family... they are not happy.. I live in a shithole little town that sucks the people in and i don't want to be one of them... My family threatened to take my 2 older kids 2&4 away if I placed this baby... I went into labor early, I had her on July 23 and she wasn't due until Sept 3. After my mom drove me to the hospital where I gave birth alone, I got a summons that afternoon stating my parents were granted temp custody of my 2 other kids because I abandoned them...
I picked a family and because of all this drama, they backed out and now I'm left with deciding do I try to get to know another family as fast as I can? Or do I take it as a sign and keep my baby... I'm just afraid of the life I'm destined to have w/ my kids in this shit hole town if I do... If I place her in an open adoption, I can still see her grow and be happy...And then I can move out of shitville with my kids and away from my family....
I don't know...
I'm not the best person to turn to on matters concerning the heart, right now.
I said this:
Oh, Marie.
I wish I knew what to tell you. All I can think is, you haven't said what you *want* - what do you want most? It's so hard to predict or know what the best path is - but what one do you *want* to take? Do you want to keep your beaner? Can you get out of your town with all three kids? Or do you really think - and this might be true - that beaner's best shot at a good life is with another family? SO HARD.
I wish that I could do more to help, other than say things like 'follow your heart'...
It's not necessarily true that her heart will guide her to the best decision. I know that. Maybe the heart should be left out of decisions like this. I know that my mom tried to put her heart aside, or part of it. It was why she didn't hold her own beaner. She was afraid that she would never let him go, and that that would be the wrong thing for him. That it would not be the best thing, that she would get carried away by her own selfishness, that she would give in to the selfish thrum of her heart and keep her boy. Her heart was divided against itself: do what was best for her heart - keep her child - and do what she believed was best for his heart - give him to a family that could give him everything she couldn't.
She did what she believed was best for him. But it broke her heart. The cracks have never gone away. And now here I am, her daughter, her love, suffering for knowing that those cracks existed, that I could never fill them, for the fact that I never knew they were there.
But this isn't about me.
I don't know what to tell you, I told Marie. Can we ask some others for help?
Yes, she said. Please.
my heart wants to keep my beaner but my mind says i cant... i don't think i have asked my self what my heart wants... i need all the advice i can get. this just hurts so much i love all my kids so much and i just want the best for them.
please.
I can't, we can't, tell Marie what to do. We can't know what the best thing is to do, anymore than I can know what the best thing would have been for my mom and for my brother. All we can do is hope and pray that they find - that they have found - some path to happiness.
And we can hold her hand while she finds her way. Please, any words of support you can offer... so many moms never get to have this kind of support. My mom didn't. Offer it to Marie, and to all the moms that do and ever did need it.
********
To all of you who have been sending links and tips and stories: thank you. I love you. I just do.
And? That thing that I said we were going to do? We're still doing it. Next week, if I can stay on top of everything. Info here.
Labels: adoption, lost boy, william frederick hunter
posted by Her Bad Mother @ Friday, August 22, 2008
85 Comments:
My mother gave my brother and I to my parents when I was 10 and he was 6. Her life was (and is) a mess and she knew it. My parents were her parents and we've grown up in a community filled with old retirees. I'm almost finished with my last set set of college courses and I can honestly say that I am glad she made the choice she did. While I did not have much of a childhood (I spent my time looking after my brother), my life post-adoption has been a blessing. Now as my parents are approaching and in their 70's, I get to give back by helping to take care of them.
While open adoptions can be confusing socially while growing up, it is easier knowing who your biological parents are. I talk to both several times a month and I am happy to know where my roots are. One can never have enough people to love them.
What drama for your morning!!! How in the world are you dealing with Marie and Beaner(God be with them), your own broken heart(God be with all of you too), and still have the time to ask me if you can repost my answer to consumed??? Your probably changing a diaper, answering the phone and thinking the laundry needs to be switched and the dishes done too aren't you. What would the world do w/out us Moms to get everything dealt with. Please go get a cup of tea, put your feet up.(I know, as soon as you switch the laundry, right?) You ROCK girlfriend. Have a great weekend and good luck with your search. ~;-)
I'm a wreck. A weepy wreck. This story touches me on so many levels that I can't discuss or write about for personal reasons.
I wish I knew what to say to help. I wish there was an answer. An answer that provided a happy ending for all parties involved. But there's not.
All I can say is....
I have a cousin that adopted a gorgeous little girl 3 1/2 years ago. It was an open adoption. That little girl has 3 biological siblings. And although there were some stressful times for them they have found the open adoption to be a win/win situation. Their daughter will always know her siblings and will never wonder who her biological parents were.
Wow, wow, wow. I wish I could give some advice. I am a mom to two children. Both were adopted. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of their birth mothers and their sacrifice and how they must feel.
I wish I could give advice to Marie. I can't imagine how she must feel. (Great, now I am rambling...) While I can't offer a solution, I will offer all of the prayers and thoughts I can for her.
Just when I thought I could not weep any more.
I will offer Marie and Beaner prayers and hopes for the guidance to make the right decision for them.
Does Marie have her other 2 children back? It saddens me to hear that grandparents were awarded custody because she left them due to preterm labor. That totally stinks. I was faced with this choice when my older daughter was born. We decided to keep her as I know that I would have never been able to give her up. Times were tough but we all made it through. I just want Marie to know that I am praying for her and that she is able to come to a decision soon.
wow, I started crying because out best friends are desperately trying to adopt and having the hardest time.
But you are right, only Marie knows what is right for her and I do hope she find the right path for her.
best,
aimee
I don't have anything much to contribute except for support and well wishes. I hope that Marie is able to find the right path for her and for all her children, even if those paths are different.
I did want to say that I think we live in a great time because open adoption is more common and acceptable. If you do go the adoption route, I have heard wonderful things about how open adoptions can work.
If you choose to keep your baby, I wonder if you can get some sort of assistance for you and the children to help you get out of that town. I don't know what kind of assistance, but maybe someone else does?
All I can add are my own experiences. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 19. She still lived at home and it was her first time having sex. She didn't know what to do. In the end she kept me and five years later married my father and had two more children. I didn't even know the whole story until I was 19. But, I am SO glad that she kept me. I still have tons of unanswered questions about my birth father and if I had questions about my mother too it might be too much for me to bear.
Fast forward and I got pregnant at 19. Never for one minute did I doubt that I'd keep the child. I might have had to rely on public assistance, I had to put college on hold, I had to give up my life completely. But, I kept her and a few years later married and have had 3 other children. I can't imagine what it would've been like to always know she was "out there".
I also work in the court that deals with CPS removing kids. As long as you work the case plan and don't do drugs, you will get your children back. No matter what your parents say. Even if they are great at taking care of them, YOU are their mother and as long as you have a place for them to live (even if it's government subsidized) and food on the table (even from food stamps) and don't beat them they will give them back to you. And they'll help you with the new one. They'll give you resources and referrals to programs that will help you. They'll help you get on your feet, get a job, get an education, all of that.
If that's what YOU want. There are also tons of families wanting to adopt out there. And they would thank you every day for giving them the child they so desperately want.
In the end, the decision is your. Good luck to you. I'll be praying for you.
Marie,
I think HBM was onto something when she asked you what your heart wanted.
This will sound incredibly basic: Take a piece of paper. List the pros and cons of keeping her vs. not. Side by side like that, they can be very revealing. Only these must be YOUR pros and cons. Not your parents'. Not Beaner's. Not your two older kids'.
See what you come up with.
Much support coming your way.
My father was the 5th of 5 children. The records that we have from the adoption agency showed that his father was an alcoholic and his mother, I can only surmise, must have been overwhelmed.
My father was always proud of the fact that he was adopted (as was his sister and later my brother) and appreciated the opportunity his mother gave him until the day he died. He had a pretty great life, all told, and turned out to be a strong philanthropist because he believed he'd been given a chance to make a difference in the lives of others as well. A huge sacrifice on his mother's part, no doubt, but one that I am sure she made with great thought and deliberation.
I have twin boys born under trying circumstances. I understand the need to provide them with the best home possible. You can still do that even with very little money. All you have to do is seek assistance from anywhere you can get it. Go to your local social services and get all the help they can offer you. And never once look back because if you can put food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and clothes on their backs, no matter how they get there, you do it. If you love this baby as much as I feel you do, I would do whatever I could to provide the best home possible for this baby. You can do it. You just have to be willing to accept help. And never give up.
Oh boy.
I was in that position when I was 21. I was this close to giving my son up for adoption. For three days, I snuggled him in the hospital and walking his little bassinet down the hallway that last time, before I was discharged, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I spent two weeks going back and forth about it and crying buckets of tears. In the end, I decided I couldn't do it and I brought him home.
I don't regret the decision. It made my life take a very different path, but in the end, it was the right one for me.
I think slouching mom has a terrific idea with the list. It's basically what I did when trying to decide what to do.
I wish you peace in your heart, whatever decision you make.
I have been a reader for a while....more of a lurker I guess.
But, I had to comment.
How heartbreaking for her. Her own family trying to take her other children in the meantime. Awful. Why won't anyone help her. She is a single mom (I guess)who just needs a little jump start to life.
Oh, God. The mother in me wants to take her and her children in my home. Help her get on her feet...able to take care of her children. This woman WANTS help, but yet can't find it.
How awful. I wish there was a way to help her out, really.
Marie, what you're going through sounds so difficult. I wish there were easy answers.
One resource I can offer is Backline. The Backline advocates who work the talkline are trained to provide a safe, bias-free place for women to process emotions, ask questions and work through decisions like the ones you're facing. Their number is 1-888-493-0092.
I have no advice Marie - I just want you to know that I am not just some internet bot - I am a person and your story has touched me and I care about you and Beaner..
Awesome story. I just hope it has a happy ending...event though there is no way of knowing how it will all happen. If only her family gave her more support...
Thanks for sharing this story. There are so many people out there with stories like this. Thanks for opening our eyes.
Sheesh. I'm sitting here at work and my heart is in my throat. Your last two posts really struck a chord with me.
My parents adopted me when I was one month old (I am 24 now), and my older sister is adopted as well.
It was not an open adoption. I have never met or spoken to my birth parents. The only information that I have fits on an 8x11 sheet of paper. It’s something I rarely think about because this is my family. Blood-related or not, they are my Mom and Dad and they are the people who raised me. They are amazing people who I can’t imagine life without. I am blessed. My birth parents were not in a place in their lives where they felt they could have a child, and I feel like I was placed with a purpose where I am right now. It’s what my life is supposed to be, I am certain.
Still, I think about, somewhere out there, my birth mother and father. Do they think about me? Do they want to meet me? Do they wish they have never given me up? Have they shut me out of their minds forever? Do I have brothers and sisters somewhere out there? Am I crazy for not looking? It’s a whole box of emotions that I am not prepared to open.
I can’t imagine the inner turmoil my birth mother felt when she had to give me up. It’s hard to place myself in those shoes. So, I can’t really give advice. Although I support adoption 100 percent, I would never tell someone what to do. But I do know, whatever Marie chooses, it will be somehow be right. Neither choice can be easy…but whatever her heart and mind directs her towards will end up being what is supposed to happen.
Dear Marie,
Such a huge decision to make, with what sounds like very little support. I hope that knowing all of us are supporting you in our hearts will make a difference for you.
I am in the process of adopting, and I just want to let you know that I am so very grateful to you for sharing your story so I can understand a tiny little bit of the difficult decision my future child's birth family will have to make. I don't ever want to take that decision for granted, and will think of you to make sure I don't.
Only you can make this decision, but please know that whatever decision you make will be the right one. The only thing any of us can do for our children is to do the best that we can with the tools and the information that we have at the time, and then trust that everything will turn out exactly as it is supposed to turn out. I hope you can make your decision and then be at peace with what you have chosen.
I could have written Andrea's post word for word (except I'm not so much 24 anymore, and I was adopted at 2 weeks old).
I wish Marie's family could see what she is going through - instead of taking her kids away, it would be nice to see them HELPING her!
Marie, I hope you can come to some sort of decision and get through this horrible time. Whatever you decide, trust yourself, trust your instincts. You know, deep down, what is best for you AND your children. Good luck.
Oh Marie. You know, the heart is already involved at this point, it has already beheld your little Beaner and felt her heartbeat in return, you're going to have to ask the heart's opinion now. I know most of the time, these decisions are easier if left to logic, but once the heart is roped in, it has to be part of the decision. No one knows the right answer here, it is up to you and your heart and mind will have to come to a resolution somehow.
I hope you find peace with your decision, whatever it is. Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing your story with us all.
Marie,
I am an adoptive mother; I also have friends who have placed children for adoption, and friends who have open adoptions. I know people who were adopted and found their birth families. There are millions of different scenarios and ways this can spin out.
I can only offer you my perspective: my daughter is treasured beyond belief, and we think about and pray for her birth mother every single day. Our daughter knows she is adopted, and has remembered Miss L in her prayers every night since she was 3.
There are families out there who will maintain a link with you if you choose that route. And there are resources for you if you choose to raise this baby. If your family of origin is not supportive, you have to ask yourself how many battles you have the strength to fight, and find help in fighting for your children.
It is a huge responsibility, no matter what decision you make. Nobody can make that decision but you. Know you are in our prayers.
Mary
I can't even begin to offer advice to you other than this: Take advantage of the free services/counseling available to you. I'm not talking about services and counseling offered through private or church organizations, but what our government offers. Most states have outreach programs with counseling, evaluations, etc. You don't have to be alone in this, and in raising your other children.
Not sure why on earth your parents would go out of their way to try to take your children away from you, but I hope that this situation also rights itself somehow. From what I'm reading here it feels so plain and honest that you love them with all your heart.
Oh, Marie.
I call my youngest brother Beaner. And I have no advice for you. Only this prayer - May God guide you and guard your heart. May He wrap you and all your children up in His arms. May He show you clearly the best path to walk. The very best for you. The very best for Beaner. The very best for your other kids. And may He bring peace and joy and reconciliation to your entire family. And may it begin today.
I think this link can say more than I can in a single comment.
http://www.sams-stories.com/2008/06/i-did-not-know.html
I have no advice, as the closest I've come to her plight is deciding not to abort my second [life is harder, now that I'm alone, but I cannot imagine the alternative now].
I do have hugs though. So -
((((((Marie)))))))))
Be strong woman, and take solace in that whatever decision you make will most definitely be second guessed forever, but will also most definitely be the right one.
You're in my thoughts.
Ahhh, Marie. Quite a hand you've been dealt here. I'd recommend calling the nearest large town's hospital. Ask for a social worker who works w/the ob/gyn ward or w/pediatrics. He/she should be able to provide you w/some additional social service resources. Also, are there churches, mosques, or synagogues you can visit who may have helpful clergy men/women to talk with? Perhaps that is a possibility, too.
I feel for you so much and wish you all the luck in the world as you ponder your options.
Oh Marie. My heart goes out to you. As someone who is struggling with fertility over here, I want nothing more than to jump up and down and say "pick me! pick me!". Then I think about it and how gut wrenching it must be to even have to make a decision like this in the first place. My heart goes out to you and your family. And for the sake of your kids, I hope they can all stay together. However, it is not my place to say what you should do. I only hope that if you do decide to give your little beaner up for adoption that she gets a home that will love her as much as she deserves to be loved.
You're so right that we can't tell her what to do. There is no way to tell her what to do or to even guess at what would be best. Reading the letter, though, my impulse was to say to her, "Keep her! Keep her! You want her, so keep her! Your family wants her, so sit down and work out a way they can help you keep her instead of working against you!"
Oh Marie,
What an incredibly strong woman you are, to be dealing with all you're dealing with, and wanting to do what's absolutely best for your children. There's no way your parents should be allowed to take your children from you. That's absolutely horrible of them, since this is NOT their decision, it's yours.
All I can tell you is that if you do decide you can't keep your baby there are so many people out there who are just looking to give their heart to a child, who will adore her with all their hearts and give her an incredible life, while allowing you to see her grow up into a happy and healthy young woman.
My husband and I started the adoption process awhile ago, trying to adopt internationally, and after signing up with 3 different countries, all of them shut down for adoption. Now that our most recent attempt to adopt from Vietnam is almost definitely not going to happen, we feel like we're almost out of options. We'll be looking into adopting from the US, but our hearts have been broken so many times that we're beginning to lose hope. I know there are many other families out there in the very same boat, who have the money and love and stable home that will allow them to give the world to a baby, but who haven't been able to conceive themselves. I just want to say that if you do decide to look for an adoptive family, your baby will be so well taken care of, and will know how very much you loved her, and all the sacrifices you made to give her the very best life.
A super-big hug to you...
Elizabeth
Oh, Marie...I really don't know what to say, except to follow your heart, and know that there are many of us here behind the screens who are sending you strength, myself included.
Marie, I have no advise to give but only prayers for your difficult decision. I've never been able to have children and the few times that my husband and I have tried to adopt, the mother has chosen to keep the child. As much as it hurt at the time to not be able to adopt, I respect the decision those mothers made. You have to do what's right for you.
Marie
I commented on the last post. There is a large adoption community out there. There are birth moms who regret their decision, there are birth moms who are at peace with their decision. I would be happy to give you email addresses and blogs of both.
I also have a number of contacts with people in open adoption.
I am an adoptive mother of two through open adoption. Open adoption has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. But that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
This is such a huge decision.
Visit openadoptionsupport.com, tell them your problems and my guess is you will get a lot of support either direction from people who have been there.
Luck to you, and peace no matter what you decide.
All I can say is I wish you could get out; take your kids and go somewhere with hope. Adopting out a child you think you can't care for is one of the most selfless things a mother can do. And it's one of the hardest.
Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best. I hope you can be at peace. What many have said here is true: Many will be thinking of you tonight and for many tomorrows, hoping and wishing the best for you.
I am without words, but I will try to type this (while at work) without breaking down into tears.
Motherhood is hard. The end. As a single mother, I feel for Marie. I feel down to my toes. Sometimes life does not offer clear cut easy choices. I agree with HBM (who rocks my socks off, by the way) when she said to listen to her heart. Children do not remember how much money was in the bank, or how extravagant their birthdays were, or how many Christmas presents they get, they only remember that they were LOVED and KISSED and HELD and TAKEN CARE OF. Children have basic needs - feed them, clothe them, shelter them, and love them. Anything else is icing on the cake. Marie, you're not alone, there is help. You're in my thought and prayers.
Marie I don't even know what to say. My heart aches for you and what you are going through.
I am an adoptive mother (of a girl from China) and every day I thank a woman whom I've never met and never will meet for making that incredibly difficult decision.
Just find a support system, someone who can help you make the decision that is right for you and your baby. You will be in my thoughts.
I would love to adopt someday. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over seven years now. I don't know if it will ever happen for us.
So, I hope that someday we will be able to adopt a sweet baby.
You need to find a social worker who will connect you with the proper social services.
Your baby needs his mother not a substitute. There are resources out there to help you. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Check out this site:
http://www.birthmothers.info/
The lifelong pain you will suffer is worse than what you are dealing with right now. I speak form experience.
Sending you an email...
I wish there was something that I could do that would ease your burden. I hope with all my heart that you're able to find assistance and support for whichever decision you make.
My only advice, like Catherine, would be that you follow your heart. Don't let anyone else force your hand in this decision. She is your baby, and whether to keep her or give her to a loving adoptive family is your choice.
Wow... the timing of this is all so crazy... makes me wonder why it is that you came across that post in the middle of all of this. Amazing.
I am so sorry that your parents felt it necessary to heap hurt on top of the hurt you were already feeling. They are the ones that are behaving selfishly at this point.
As for your baby, God, I wish you could safely get away with all of them and know that it will all be okay. Wouldn't it be so awesome if you had a safe place to land and to nurture your kids until you could get on your feet? I'm praying that something like that happens for you, Marie.
Marie, I have no advice, just a story.
My best friend (now 35) gave up her 6 month old boy to an open adoption when she was 17 years old. She decided eventually that she could have neither the future she wanted nor give him the future he deserved at that young age. (She did not have much parental support.) It was the hardest thing she says she's ever done in her life. Who knows if it was the *right* decision? But she believes that she did the best thing she could at the time.
I hope that you will be able to figure out what you want... what is the best thing for you and your children at this time. Because that's all we can ever hope, to do what we genuinely think is the best thing.
I don't know what to say that others haven't already, other than you are not the only one who has had to make this incredibly difficult decision - knowing that we're all pulling for you (NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE), I hope offers what little bit of comfort that it can.
You can do it. You can make it through, no matter what you decide is best for your Beaner - don't be afraid to seek out the help you might need. It's there, for both of you.
Much, much love and support.
Carrie
((Marie & Beaner)),
My brother came to us by adoption. His BM was very young and his BF was an illegal alien. He was the best gift our family EVER received. He was placed at birth...with my Aunt and Uncle. When Josh was 6 months old and I was 14, *I* was placed with my Aunt and Uncle (my Mother was unable to take care of me).
After many years I finally had a family. A home. Supervision and stability. Josh is now 25 and I turn 40 next week. I am his sister. He is my brother.
I know in your heart, lies the answer. Beaner will grow up knowing she has a wonderful Mother--either way.
Many Blessings,
Martie of
http://uncontainedchaos.blogspot.com
I can't help but think that the two of you were put together at this time for a higher purpose.
I wish I knew what it was. And I wish I had the right answer to give.
Good thoughts to you both on your roads. And especially for little Beaner.
Marie,
I just wanted to offer you my support and prayers. I don't know what is right for you or your child.
But as a hopeful adoptive parent, waiting endlessly to find a child to call her own, I can tell you with out reservation, there are families out there DESPERATE to love a child.
And there is no greater gift of love you can give, than give someone your child.
But that is such a huge gift, and such a burden on your soul. Make sure this is what YOU want. Trust yourself.
And know that whatever decision you make, it is absolutely the right one for you and your family.
I wish you peace. And unending love. Thank you for sharing your tender story with us. You are a very brave and strong woman.
I admire you tremendously.
My heart goes out to Marie, whoever she is.
And to you, HBM... I hope you find your brother, and I hope you mother finds the peace she needs. She sounds like a remarkable woman.
What she wants isn't relevant. It's what's best for the child.
Adopted, the child will be loved, cherished, and have every advantage that she is unable to give him.
Give the kid a shot at life outside of your lousey town.
i'll try to make my story short, but there is little sweet to it, sadly..i had my oldest daughter when i was 17, a senior in high school..her father and i dated the previous year, he was a senior, i was a junior...i was NOT liked by his family, they were (still ARE) very hypocrictally devout christians (you know the type the spout the bible to your face and then throw the bible at your head when you walk away?)...when they found out i was pregnant, he disappeared from my life as much as they could make him...he graduated a couple of months after everyone was told and then i never saw him again for YEARS....i gave birth, my mom was there, i was homeless for a lot of time that summer, i was hell bent on keeping that baby, on "proving everyone wrong" about how i would fail miserably...guess, what, i failed miserably...there is no reason at all i should have been a parent at that age, i was a kid, a very selfish kid...i shudder when i think about the life i gave that girl...it continued on like that for a long time...when she was 6, she went to live with her father (he reappeared in her life as a regular feature after she was four and he had a college degree and a good job doing civillian contract work for the army)...i knew she would be taken care of, financially...as she got a little older, her father and his family kept making it harder for me to connect with her, to really have her in my life...the things that she was being told about me, taught about how horrible a person i was because of my lack of christianity should not have been shared with a child, no matter what...i ended contact with her when she was just over 8, i couldn't put her through it any more...the guilt she was feeling for just loving me when she was constantly being bombarded with the message that i was "bad" and she shouldn't...in october of 2005, i signed the papers that would allow her step mom to adopt her...she'll be 14 this year, in november...i know she is loved, i know she is cared for..i hope one day she comes to me and asks what the hell went on, so i can talk to her, tell her what i felt...i still, to this day, feel that it was what was best for HER and that is all that matters, the best for the child...i think of my lovely girl, and i tear up, it's not outright crying any more, not usually, on her birthday i am a grouch and i hide from everyone and everything...my heart hurts every day for the joy of her that i no longer have in my life...however, i HAD to be the adult and i HAD to do what was best for HER, i have 4 other children...only my oldest (who will be 11 in november) really remebers her..and she's trying to get in to contact with that girl that is no longer a part of my life...i dream of the day she'll show up at my door...i don't know what i'll say, or what she'll say, but i just want to see her face again...and that will always be with me...the point of all of this is this..you have to do what is best for your child, for your children...you are the parent, and no matter how much of you it rips out, you HAVE to do what is best for THEM...you are just a bit player, and they need to you do think of them and do for them until they become adults themselves...prayers and blessings marie...you know what you need to do, you just need to have the courage to do it...so please, take this story, and do what needs to be done...
I am a single mother. I got pregnant later in life after years of believing I couldn't have children. I never entertained the possibility of not having my daughter, or of giving her up for adoption. I knew she was my only chance to have a child. Our situations are different, but I feel like we have something in common - love for our children.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to make this decision. You obviously love your children, and you will make the right decision for Beaner because you love her.
I hope your family can open their eyes and see their way to helping you, not fighting you, not fighting the decision that is yours alone to make. All of my hopes and prayers are with you and your children tonight.
Sorry, I didn't get to finish my original post.
Basically, I think every adoptive situation is different. But, I think about how greatful I would be to the woman (girl?) who made the hard decision to let their child go so that my husband and I had the chance to be parents.
Marie, I can't possibly even attempt to know what is best for your or for your beaner, but wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. I have the utmost respect for you and believe you deserve support no matter your decision. Whichever you make, it will be one of the hardest of your life.
Best wishes!
Diana
Dear Marie,
First, I want you to know that I really can empathize with your situation. I have been there. I never gave up a baby for adoption, but at eighteen, under duress, I did have an abortion. It nearly mad me crazy. Literally, I wound up in the psych ward.
After that, I returned to college, but I was never, ever the same. I met a guy that I really liked about a year later and became pregnant again. I wouldn't say that I did it on purpose, but I think deep down inside I felt that having a baby would be the only way that I could begin to heal, so I wasn't careful.
Of course, the reality of the situation was a lot tougher than my naive nineteen year old mind ever could have envisioned. Needless to say, my parents were very disappointed and not at all happy. They told me that if I wanted to keep the baby that I would have to get married.
Today, my daughter is fourteen years old. She is gorgeous and smart and would be any parents dream.
She is also the light of my parents' life and I know everyday they are happy that I kept her and did not listen to their advice to place her for adoption.
I am not going to lie to you, Marie, it has not always been easy, and sometimes it has been really hard. I have regretted being such a moron; not practicing safe sex; not having a better sense of self, or more clear goals for myself as a young adult. I came from a well-to-do family; I had every advantage; and sometimes I think of all the things that I could have been, if to be blunt, I hadn't been such a fuck up.
On the other hand, I have never, ever once regretted keeping my daughter. There is nothing in this world that could ever replace her. Everything that I sacrificed for her pales in comparison to her. She is most amazing. And you know what, she has made me such a better person, she gave my life meaning and direction that I don't think any other force in this world could have.
Keeping your baby may seem an insurmountable task now; and your worries about not being able to leave town are legitimate, but remember Marie, in this life, every one faces obstacles. Tommorow, you could be diagnosed with cancer and that could prevent you from leaving town. Or a tornado could hit; or you get in a car accident. Who knows what tommorow brings? Don't let the hurdles scare you from jumping.
Most of all, don't let your perceived mistakes determine the course of your life. Just because you have made some mistakes, doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to choose, to determine your future path. Use this difficult time to become the person you want to be, not in spite of your circumstances, but because of them.
I am becoming the person that I want to be not in spite of the mistakes I made, but because I learned from them, grew from them, and made the best out of them.
Please feel free to contact me- you can either email me from my blog profile or leave me a comment there, or twitter me. I'll be happy to help you in any way that I can.
HBM is right, we can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you this - whatever you decide, you can make it.
If you decide that you want to try to find a way to place her with other parents, you will make it. You may never forget, you may never be fully happy with the decision, you may lie awake nights wondering, but you will make it.
If you decide you can't possibly part with her, likewise, you will find a way to give her the best life you can. You may have hard times, you may be tired to the very bone at times, you may lie awake at night and wonder if this was the right call, but you will make it. I know this because my own mom was a young, unwed, poor mother with all strikes against her, but because she wanted to keep me, she worked her ass off to make it work.
What I'm saying is that you are stronger than you think, and that either way, you will always wonder, will never be able to know with certainty what was right, because neither is wrong, but that you will keep on for you and for your other kids and so that all three of them will be proud of you some day, whether they all live with you or not.
You will be strong, Marie. Just give yourself the chance to think about it a bit so you can figure out which ways you need to be strong.
Dear Marie,
Knowing the right places to look for support, love, and encouragement is one of the most important skills a mother can have, so I think it's significant that you turned to HBM (love your blog--been lurking for awhile now) in this situation. You are a *good* mother, a thoughtful and loving mother, just for initiating this conversation.
I hope you will find some of the love, support, and encouragement you've received from the online community in the community where you live. It might not come from the places you might expect (your parents), but it's out there.
There's no right answer, no magic words that will suddenly give you the clarity you need. But you, Beaner, and your other children will be in my prayers.
God bless you.
Marie,
I pray for peace and clear direction. I pray for inner strength beyond any you have ever experienced before. I pray that your hurting heart can open up to the love and support that is being offered unconditionally by strangers who honestly care about you, your beaner, your other children and your situation.
There are good people out there in the world, Marie. A lot of a-holes, yes, but good caring people as well-- like HBM for instance. Whether you give beaner to some good people or let some good people be there for you as you struggle to raise her, know that help does exist for you.
Marie,
I wanted to second what Andrea said:
Whichever decision that you choose will be somehow 'right'
That doesn't make this any easier today, but it will make it so much easier years down the road.
I want to help. I want to come babysit and let you and all your children come stay with me. I don't know you, but I've been there and I don't wish your situation on anyone. I had two children under 3 and a perpetually unemployed husband by the time I was 20 and found out I was pregnant again. It's so hard, but you will find a way. Open adoption, or just help, the options are out there and I pray that you find the help you need.
Marie:
I feel for you. I don't know what it is like to make a decision like this, although I know of a few that have had to make these choices. It is heart wrenching.
If you are honest with yourself, and say that you can't provide a loving and stable home for this child, let him go. It is a hard choice that you need to make, but it is one that is best one you can make for you and your family. There are lots of loving parents out there that will offer your child that. Then you can focus on providing your other children with security and their needs.
Here is what I am hearing from the post. You want to keep the baby, you just don't know if it is good for the baby, or for your other children. Think long and hard on this and you will find your answer. If you feel like YOUR situation is stable, that YOU can provide a loving home and a provide for the children (even if that means public assistance from time to time), then keep the baby. What I am hearing from the post is that you are worried by having this child, you are stuck in your dead end town. If that is really your only concern, that you will be stuck there. Otherwise, if you can provide for your kids, keep the baby. If you are clean (drugs and alcohol), and loving and want this child, keep the baby.
You can make it happen. Find some outside family assistance. It really is AMAZING the things that people can accomplish. You CAN get out of that town if you want it, baby or not. The baby will complicate things, that is sure, but it doesn't make it impossible.
You need to be honest with yourself. You are the only one that can make this decision. If it is simple of fear of being stagnant, elbow grease and determination will solve that problem. If it is much more than that, you have your answer.
May you find peace and solutions in the days to come. I will be thinking of your family.
Marie,
I support adoption 100%, it is a beautiful option. I support the sturggle a mother has if she chooses to keep a baby she is not sure she can support but reaches out for help.
I am no one, really. I have two children and a husband. I am a mother and a wife and have not changed the world except to bring into it two amazing children. That being said, I will do anything I can to help you. We all will. If you need our telephone numbers, or email addresses for support - I am sure the majority of us will give them out. I cannot offer adoption solutions, 800#'s, or advice. Everything happens for a reason, if you want to speak, we will listen. The choice you make will be the right one. You can do this, you can do this, you can do this. You are a mother, you can do anything.
We adopted our son through American Adoptions, www.americanadoptions.com. This agency was really great with our birth mother. Everyone who works there has been adopted, are birth mothers or have adopted children. They are all very caring and maybe Marie could call them and get some counseling. They DO NOT pressure birth moms. They talk, share their experiences and most important they listen to the birth mothers. It might be a way for Marie to sort out feelings with a person with an objective view.
Shame on her family for not supporting her and for taking away her 2 kids. I feel for her.
We have an open adoption (the only kind that American Adoptions does). I keep in email contact with the birth mom, send her pictures and our son knows all about her.
Hope this helps, will keep everyone in our thoughts.
Marie,
From a male and father's perspective: I also cannot tell you what to do. The connection a child has to her or his mother is much different than that of the father. I truly admire that aspect of pregnancy and childbirth.
With that said you truly have a tremendous amount of courage. I can also say you came to the right place for advice but more importantly for support. The moms that visit here are the very best to be found. Read each of their words carefully. Digest them all. And then make your decision.
After it has been made then return for more support. If you need help someone that reads this blog will be able to help you.
My family will be praying and hoping you make the right choice.
Marie, My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
Whenever I am struggling with a decision, I try to imagine exactly how I would feel with each individual choice, perhaps trying that would help you in your decision.
Whew...HBM, as if a new baby and busy toddler were not enough to deal with. First of all, good luck with your search for your brother. My heart goes out to your Mom, and I also commend her bravery. Times were very different back then.
Marie...my best friend was blessed enough to be able to adopt a baby which she had been longing for for five long years. The birth mother was a single Mom with a one year old who recognized that she could not support her new baby.
The unselfishness of her decision amazes me to this day.
Nobody can make this very difficult decision for you...look deep into your heart, and I will send some prayers your way.
Marie, as a Mother I wish I had a good piece of advice. It's my thinking that you can only do what every single mother does every single day. And that is make the best choice you can with the information and resources you have. And when you do that? You can never really regret. I mean, of course you do. But you have to know you did your best. And that's all you can do.
You've been given a lot of advice on both sides of the coin. And I, too, know of some wonderful adoption stories and some wonderful stories where a birth mother made the other choice. And there is never a way to know which way is right. You choices are so difficult right now and I wish strength for you as you make whichever choice you make.
You will be in my thoughts as you search your heart to do what's best for your child and children.
When I was 23, I gave birth to a baby boy. He was my third child in six years. I mistakenly believed his father would provide the stability and love I craved. After six months, I realized that I could no longer be the parent my son deserved. I was in my last year of university and there were never enough hours in the day . . .
My parents also turned their backs on me - they felt I was making a grave mistake. One wintry day in February, I placed my son in his adoptive mother's arms, saying "Here he is , Mom". It was the hardest thing I had done - but also the best. I knew that these two people could provide him with attention, security, stability, and of course, love. But it was never a question of "love” - I had more than enough love for him, but sometimes love is just not enough.
Fast forward 17 years . . .
My birth son is entering his last year of school. He is healthy, happy, and well - adjusted. He has had opportunities that he never would have had with me. And best of all, our two families have managed to forge a relationship that defies words. I have attended his hockey games, birthdays. He has spent weekends with my family, and he is particularly close with my oldest son as they share many of the same passions.
Is our situation an anomaly? I don't think so. With compassion, trust, and time, we have done what has worked for us. Would I make the same decision again, yes – without a doubt. It allowed me the opportunity to better myself, and by doing so, create a better life for all of my children.
I'm adopted and have just recently found my biological family. I had a great life but wanted to know my roots. Sometimes doing the hardest thing is the right thing. I beg of you to have the adoptive parents know little beaner was loved. Write a note, draw a picture, anything so that there is that knowledge that it was out of love if you do decide to give your child to adoptive parents.
I think you said it best: you have to do what you feel is right in your heart.
Somewhere out in the world my husband has a brother. Aaron's mom gave birth to a boy when she was 16. She kept the baby until he was 2 years old. At that point, she decided she couldn't care for him any longer (long story, I'm told) and she gave Joshua up for adoption. She later met Aaron's dad and they had two sons together.
No one knows where Joshua is. He was adopted locally, but they don't know his last name or if they even kept his first name. Aaron wants to find his half-brother, but at the same time he's hesitant to do so. He says he doesn't know how he could meet him and give him the news that their mother is dead.
Aaron's own mother was adopted, too, and we have no idea how to go about finding her birth parents, if they're even still alive.
I think she needs to really think about the life she could offer all 3 children if she kept the baby. She is struggling with 2 kids already. However, people make it out of terrible situations every day. I have never even had to remotely consider what to do in a situation such as that. That being said, it sounds like an open adoption may be the right move.
Marie,
Just sending out another hug from a fellow mother. I have no experience in the matters, and I cannot imagine the heartache you must be feeling. Please reach out for all the help that is out there (a lot of places listed here).
Hang in there!
My heart breaks for this mom, for her family to betray her in such a way instead of helping her. Taking her children at a time she was most vulnerable. This just sucks. I'll keep her in my thoughts. I have no advice but after reading some comments here I can tell she has found a gold mine of advice. This is one of those stories that really makes you dig down deep and think, man I'm going to hug my kids now.
I cannot imagine having to make a decision like that. I wish I had some magical solution for Marie, but I don't. The only thing I can do is tell her we are thinking about her and whatever decision she makes, she will have support.
Dear, dear Marie,
None of us can tell you what to do. We can offer our hearts and our shoulders - we can, maybe, share stories.
The thought that this adoptive family is backing out makes me believe that they weren't the right family - so take that to heart. It's a good thing, right? If they're willing to walk away because of a little drama - would they have been the right parents for your Beaner?
But as someone who was married and unable to conceive, I would have adored to have a child that I could raise - healthy and happy - maybe there is, yet, a family waiting for your baby.
Or maybe you are the family for your newest child.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm an adoptive mom, twiceover, and this just makes me wonder what lies ahead... I have no way of finding their birthparents, they were abandoned in China.
My husband and I are blessed to be parents of a beautiful 2 year old boy. He was once and still is someone's beaner.
We adopted him at birth, and maintain a very open adoption with his birth mother. She did what she felt was best, even though it broke her heart. It was never that she didn't want him.
As a parent it's my job raise my son to know and love his birth mom and be proud of his family, whatever form it is!
I love the woman who made me a mother and it breaks my heart to hear that the family Marie chose backed out.
Families like ours, families committed to open adoption are everywhere.
Marie's decision is hers alone and should be done so with her heart, out of love either way.
It's because of stories like that of your brother that our son will grow up knowing everything he can about both of the families that love him.
I think following your heart is the only right way to do anything. It prevents you from living a life that you regret at the end. Your heart always knows what is best.
Find some quiet time to sit and meditate, listen to your soul.
God bless you on your journey.
Marie,
I know it doesn't always seem like it but the truth is you can do anything you want to do. The obstacles standing in our way, getting in between the *here* where we are and the *there* where we want to be, are obstacles WE have created. If you want to get out of that shithole town, you can do it. With two kids, with three kids, by yourself - how ever you decide to do it. It will be hard but no one can stop you but you.
I think it is very brave to reach out for help like this. I'll be thinking about you and your beaner...
Bad Mother,
Thank you for your beautiful writing. Really...wow.
Maggie
a small part of me is wondering what marie isn't telling. but the bigger part my heart is breaking for her. she is the only one who can decide whats best. none of us can make this decision for her. can she ask for help from her family? or from the childs fathers family? sometimes the best thing to do isn't always the easiest. which could be adoption or fighting to keep your child. is marie perhaps suffering from post partum because of the traumatic circumstances of babys birth? or perhaps her financial situation is not stable? there is always help to be found. i hope and pray for marie that she can find the help she needs. and as for wanting to leave her home town you can leave but that doesn't always make the problems go away. i know from first hand experience.well God bless you marie and i hope you can find peace in your heart upon making this very hard decision.
Dear Marie:
It is hard to tell from your post whether in your heart you want to keep your baby but follow your heart, whatever you do. The net is replete with stories of mothers, like HMS own mother, who regret the decision to give up their child to their dying day. Yet there are just as many who know they gave their child the most unselfish gift in making the same choice. Please try to envision your life in 5, 10 and 20 years and reflect on how you may feel about your choice at a later time.
It is hard to tell whether want your to keep your baby or whether you feel like you should because your family wants you to. Your decision to name your child in utero and in wondering whether it is a sign the other couple backed out make me think you may, in your heart, want to keep this baby. Yet, you sound conflicted about your own personal wants and desires to escape shitville.
If, in your heart you want to keep your baby, please know that in six short years your youngest will be in kindergarten and you will again have the time to pursue your dreams. Please follow the advice here about seeking assistance. Please know that ALL MOTHERS shelf many of their own dreams while raising young children (whether personal, professional, artisitc or otherwise) but realize that it is only temporary and that the reward of a child's love is far worth it.
If in your heart you know you can not provide your baby with the love that she deserves (and that she will so purely give to anyone who loves her back), please find someone worthy of that love and do your best to honor your choice and do everything possible to make your dreams come true for yourself and your other two children.
Good luck.
Pease read that post. Especially the last paragraph.
http://www.sams-stories.com/2008/06/i-did-not-know.html
Pease read that post. Especially the last paragraph.
http://www.sams-stories.com/2008/06/i-did-not-know.html
Marie,
As the adoptive mother of a little girl, I would like to suggest something. It's possible the other family backing out wasn't a sign you'd made the wrong decision regarding your Beaner, but perhaps it was a sign that wasn't the RIGHT family for Beaner.
I am not an overly religious person, I have tried to be since our adoption for reasons I won't go in to here, but it just doesn't work for me. What I will say is, when dealing with adoption I firmly believe there is a higher power involved. Time after time I look at my daughter who fell in to our lap out of nowhere and think "who was pushing this along?" She came when we needed her the most, but when we weren't looking for her, when she needed us the most but we didn't know she existed.
I believe after hearing several stories like ours, that there is some kind of "higher power" that places the choices in our path when it comes to adoptions and places the right path there in front of us to take or not to take. In my case I felt VERY strongly it was a step I HAD to take and her birth mother has said the same.
In your case maybe that higher power is saying "take a step back, breathe, think of what you want for you and Beaner and be sure" and maybe, just maybe that same higher power knew Beaner belonged with another family or even with you. It's hard to know which, but I would look at it not as a "stumbling block" or "obstacle" but a chance to find that right path that you may not have known wasn't right in front of you the whole time.
I was singlehomeless when I found out that I was pregnant. I also suffered (things are better now) from severe depression. Adoption was mentioned a few times. I never doubted that I would be the best mother for my child. I moved in with a close friend. A week later her house was hit by lightning while we were inside it. It burned in front of us.
Since then I have managed to get a nice 2 bedroom apt on my own and enroll in college. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what's best for you but I can honestly say that no one knows what can happen. If you don't want to stay in that town then leave. I left her father by choice when he changed how he felt towards me. I moved 60-70 miles away. I've moved approx 16 times and I'm still only 22.
If your heart wants your baby then there are support systems out there which can help you keep her. If you need more information about these and would like me to check around for you, you can email me at satsukirebel@hotmail.com. I'll add you to my prayers.
Marie~ if drugs are involved, please get help. I'm sure anyone at the hospital would know exactly what assistance you need. Your kids deserve it, and so do you.
Marie, I've been thinking about your story for days now. I'm so sorry that your family is choosing to hurt you instead of help you. I'm sure they're worried about your children and maybe they feel like you won't let them help?
I can't tell from your words what you really want. But you did say that if you keep this 3rd baby you will be sacrificing the lives of your other 2 kids. Those words chill me. Please don't sacrifice any of their lives.
I live in Virginia, near the Shenandoah mountains. If that's near you please email me and I will help you. ellisa@nocturne.org
I know a wonderful family near Denver and my sister is near St. Louis. Please contact me if we can give you moral or emotional support.
Please get help somewhere. Your children don't need to suffer. There are so many people that will help you if they know you need it.
You aren't alone! We love you Marie.
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