Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Zachary

He was the first baby that I ever loved. He was the boy who taught me that I could love and care for someone much smaller than myself and still be myself. He was the reason I decided that I wanted one, maybe two, of my own (I will always be grateful to him for showing me that such love is possible, that the feel of one small, precious hand in one's own is enough to fill the heart to busting, to satisfy it for an eternity). He was four when he toasted my husband and I at our wedding: TO FLAMILY, he said, raising his little glass of milk. To flamily. His name is Zachary, and I adore him.

Until two days ago, he was vibrant, beautiful, all tanned legs and arms and muscle and tousled hair, the very picture of unbridled boyhood in its sixteenth summer. Then it all turned. One minute he's getting ready to go to his summer job, the next he's vomiting in a clinic, the next he's crumpled on the floor of the hospital, unable to walk. The next he's medivacced to Vancouver, to a larger, better hospital, to specialists, to a place where they try to make sick children feel better. Beautiful boy, crippled and hurting and scared.

He's fighting for his life, for his body, with his body. It's meningitis, and it's aggressive. It's wrapped itself around his spine and is attacking, circling its way like a snake, inching its way to his brain, licking at him with a poisonous tongue. He's paralyzed, and he's scared, we're all scared, and we don't how this is going to go.

I am so worried that I feel physically ill. I desperately want to see him, and to see my sister, who has already suffered so much, and to just wrap them in my arms and squeeze, hard, hard as I can. But it's complicated, and I can't just jump on a plane, because I do, now, have my own children, and it pains me desperately that I can't just rush home nownownow to my family and be there. And hold my Zach, and tell him that it's going to be okay.

Because it will be okay. It must.

It must.

(Oh, hey! Welcome to THE MOST DEPRESSING BLOG IN THE WORLD. Bring your Zoloft and your Xanax and your vodka and stay awhile! I don't have the violin soloist going - YET - but in the meantime I have some lovely, sombre chamber music rolling on 8-track in the background. Do, stay. Misery loves company, especially if it brings liquor.)

(Am feeling just totally defeated, and really fucking tired of all the SAD and the HEAVY and the LOW.)

(I can has hope nao plz?)


202 Comments:

1 – 200 of 202 Newer› Newest»
Blogger Robbin said...

I will be praying for your nephew. Meningitis is so scary and strikes so quickly. Please let us know how he is doing.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Syko said...

I am so sorry to hear this! Your poor sister! Bless you all.

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just lit a candle for your nephew and your sister and you. Mothering covers so many people and *flamily* is so important.

You're a VGA, (Very Good Aunt.)

Take care,
Playpretty

12:36 PM  
Blogger Brandy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your nephew and your entire family.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Menengitis is so scary. I was going to school in Mankato MN when we had a big outbreak. Very scary.

Thinking about you and your flamily.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Dear Catherine,
I am sending you every ounce of positive, healthy thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I cannot imagine the helplessness you feel right now but you must have strength for your nephews, sisters and mom. And faith.
With love,
Barbara

12:48 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Love and prayers for you and your flamily.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Vered said...

I am so sorry.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Niksmom said...

Sending prayers for Zachary and your whole "flamily."

12:52 PM  
Anonymous mynoseinabook said...

It's been a while since I visited (I've been wrapped up in my own superfluous drama) and my heart goes out to you.

My heart goes out to your sister. You and your family have my prayers and loving thoughts.

12:53 PM  
Blogger rhea_sun said...

I agree, it must work out okay. My thoughts are with you and your family.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

My first baby love was also named Zachary. My cousin's son. Who over the past few years I've watched drop out of school, land himself in and out of jail and all manner of trouble and generally be a drain on society. And it kills me. Could I or should I have done more? I don't know. And this doesn't have anything to do with your pain. I do hope the doctors can work their magic on your Zachary and in the meantime I'll be thinking of you and your family.

12:54 PM  
OpenID southernsuds said...

I am so sorry! I will send positive thoughts his way. I hope he recovers soon.

12:55 PM  
Blogger tara said...

I am a meningitis survivor.
I was five when I had it, so it was easier for my little body to handle it, but that was also in 1978 when we had no idea how to cure anything. I was hospitalized for two weeks. I cannot remember most of it. I did come out of it pretty much normal though. No lingering side effects save for a bit of a change in my personality.

If I made it through, thirty years ago, then your nephew has a huge chance. He is a strong boy. There have been huge advances in medicine in thirty years. It is terrifying, but it is possible.

Please feel free to email me if you like. I was little, but I am happy to tell you the tiny bit that I remember, and what my family has filled in for me. Hang in there. There is a lot of hope.

I will keep you all in my thoughts.

12:55 PM  
OpenID fairytalesandmargaritas said...

I will pray for him.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

Hugs to you Catherine and to your family. Am not much of a prayer...but am praying for Zach.

12:58 PM  
Blogger All Things BD said...

Saying prayers for Zachary, your family, and you.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Avonlea said...

My thoughts and prayers are with Zachary and your 'flamily', as well.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

I'm thinking of you and I feel for your family. I can't imagine how hard this must be for all of you. You are all in my thoughts too and I love reading your blog even if sometimes it is sad, it so heartfelt.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Catherine, sending lots of prayer and love to you and your family, and especially for Zachary.

1:07 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

well FUCK!!! of course i'm projecting right now and thinking OMG what if this was my gorgeous, tanned amazing 16 year old nephew. i would just lose it.
i am so sorry this is happening. my god. so sorry.
why aren't you going? pack those kids up and go there. or leave them with daddy and get there. i don't know, i would go- but that's just me. reason later. go now. not trying to make you feel bad, i just know that for me- it's this type of thing that i would never forgive myself for not being there. but i beat myself up over shit like that.
i'm going to stop talking now k? cause right now i know you're cursing the screen telling me to shut it. but i love you. you know that. even if you just stopped loving me back. lol

1:09 PM  
Blogger mommamia said...

I'm praying for Zachary and your whole family. If there is anything we can do for you please ask.

1:10 PM  
Blogger miko564 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Maggie, Dammit said...

WHAT. THE. HELL.

Why is this happening???

Oh, I'm not helping, I'm not helping, and I'm so, so, so sorry.

I am praying for you. Fiercely.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Mommy Melee said...

Oh my god. Your poor family. Poor Zachary.

You and yours are in my thoughts.

*HUGS*

1:14 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

I thinking about and praying for Zachary and his mother. My heart breaks for them.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Oh WHAT THE FUCK, you universe or God or fate or whoever the fuck is pulling the strings that are bringing so much pain into this family's life right now. Don't you have like some orphan to pick on? Some nobel peace prize winner? I mean seriously WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I wish I could just do something more than send positive thoughts. Although if I can...you'll let me know.

1:17 PM  
Blogger ScientistMother said...

I am in the same city as your nephew. Tell me what to take to him or your sister and I will. Then you can be there without being there. A special CD, flowers, song or something that you would just do. I will do it for you.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I'm sending my prayers for your nephew's healthy return to the universe. I think she owes your sister that at least. You, your sister, your mother are in the heads and hearts of many right now. I hope it helps keep you strong when you fear you have no more.

1:22 PM  
Blogger beanski said...

I am thinking about you and your nephew and your mother and your new baby. They say it comes in threes, have faith it will get better soon.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

I will keep him and your family in my prayers. I am so so very sorry that this is happening to you. I would wish it all away if I could just to make everyone happy and healthy for you.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

Living far away is so hard.

Praying for you and yours.

1:25 PM  
Blogger sweetney said...

i'm so sorry. i'm thinking about you. xoxo

1:27 PM  
Blogger Ms. Huis Herself said...

Sending many prayers & healing thoughts your way and especially Zachary's.

1:30 PM  
OpenID verybadcat said...

HBM,

We should start a club. I love you. I hate to see your sad tweets and not be able to respond, cause you don't follow me. So this will have to make up for it: you are a pillar of wisdom and strength and something of a hero to me. I believe in you. Your strength is what helps me carry on. We're in something of the same boat right now: http://verybadcat.wordpress.com/2008/08/25/goodnight-irene-redux/.

Again, I love you. It's only interwebs love, but still.

xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

1:31 PM  
Blogger furiousBall said...

I have a Zach in my life too that is a kinetic little ball of love. Many prayers for your Z guy.

1:32 PM  
OpenID verybadcat said...

Oh, and by "we're in the same boat", I mean the whole world crashing down around you boat. ;-)

1:34 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Praying right now.

1:38 PM  
Blogger HeatherPride said...

Said a prayer for Zachary and your whole "flamily" - God Bless.

1:39 PM  
Anonymous Tom said...

Our son had it when he was very young. He came through fine. God bless and we'll remember Z in our prayers.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

Seriously! Hop on a plane. I'll watch your kids. PROMISE.

1:42 PM  
Blogger jenB said...

I love you. And I too, am whipping out the praying for your family, which I do not do very often. I need practice.

xoxoxo

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

Hoping and praying for you and your family and your nephew still. Still.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

PS: Please tell your mother this:

My aunt in law gave up a child for adoption 40ish years ago. She was too young, in the wrong relationship, etc. None of us even knew about him until the day she decided to find him.

She was petrified. Many of her concerns I hear in your own mother's. She was so afraid that he would be angry, that he wouldn't forgive her, that his life hadn't been what she dreamed it to be. She was mostly afraid to hurt him.

She found him. I think she actually found his parents, and they put the two of them in touch. His name is Andrew, he looks like my son and speaks like my cousin. He not only wasn't angry, he was thankful. He understood. His life was just fine.

He came to a family bbq the summer she found him. He held onto all of our babies, he laughed and drank beers and talked. It was like we were never without him.

He loves his family. His mother is his mother. But he also loves my aunt, and she is his mother, too. Their family opened their doors wide to her, and now our family is much larger, and more complete.

I hope she changes her mind, for all of you.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Bekka Ross Russell said...

What the hell do you think you're doing, apologizing for all the darkness? Thats why your faithful readers (lurkers though some of us *cough* may be) are here, for you to pour out your sadness to. I will be thinking of you and your family tonight, as well as my own golden sixteen year old brother. Please let us know if there is anything else to be done.

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Tory said...

I usually lurk but wanted to add my voice to the many before me. I imgaine it is impossible to get to Vancouver so do take the earlier poster up on her offer and have her deliver something to your sister and nephew. We'll all be watching this space for the good news we are hoping for. Thinking of you and your family.

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Lisa C said...

Sending every positive thought I have to Zachary, to your sister and her family, and to you.

2:01 PM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I saw your twitter about this last night. I'm so sorry you and your family are suffering. My thoughts are with all of you.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

ScientistMother, Mr Lady - I'm working on getting out there. You'll hear about it when I get it sorted out. xo

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to about your nephew and I wish all the best.....

I must say this though...You are correct in saying that this is the most depressing blog in the world.

I'm not sure which post roped me in 6 months ago, but it was probably funny, since that is what I am drawn too. I am 8 mos pregnant now and my fragile hormones can no longer fight the depression/panic attack that strikes me after I read this blog. It scares the crap out of me! The posts about breastfeeding alone are enough to keep me from breastfeeding my own baby when he's here.

When I wandered down to "the basement" last week it was even worse! I know that I am hormonal, irrational and unfair to write this, but I can't take it anymore. I will not be reading this blog for awhile. I hope that very soon you are able to write about unimportant stuff like funny things that happened at the video store or something to that affect. I am so sorry that life has not given you a break yet, I'm sure it will soon. But I will not be taking the journey with you anymore, I am not strong enough.

I wish you all the best.

2:11 PM  
Blogger BaltimoreGal said...

Catherine, I've been reading your twitters since last night and I am so sorry. It's so unfortunate that some people are put through so much. It seems like it all piles up, doesn't it? I don't know why that is, but I know you will help give your family the strength to handle whatever comes. Also, I had a high school teacher who had meningitis and while the recovery was long, he did make it back to us.

And also, for your most recent anonymous commenter- If you have nothing nice to say, why don't you shut the fuck up?

2:19 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

C, I'm so sorry. It's unfair and wrong, and I wish there was something I could do to change it.

Love you, my friend. Thinking of you even more than I always do.

2:32 PM  
Anonymous Carrie said...

I don't think I've ever left a comment before, but I just wanted to say that you and your family will be in my thoughts today. I am almost sick reading this and I don't know him. It is so unfair that things like this exist to happen to our children. It must be ok. It must.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Sass E-mum said...

That is every mother's nightmare. My heart reaches out to your sister.

Anonymous - some blogs are tough to read. IMHO, it's good to give feedback and you've explained yourself.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Anna Marie said...

{{{hugs}}} I'm praying for you and your family.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

I have beds, a crib, and a Wii. Bring'em over.

2:39 PM  
Blogger AmericanMaid said...

All of my love to you and your family during this very difficult time.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous rebecca said...

To anon 2:11: Welcome to REAL LIFE. It's hard and it's scary and bad shit happens to good people. HBM's nephew's life is threatened and you want her to write about the fucking video store? Get a grip. And good riddance.

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Rock and Roll Mama said...

HBM: Praying for Zachary, and for you to be OK till you can get there and feel better, holding your sister's hand. Much love, L

2:50 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

HUGS. many, many HUGS.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous shane_onegoodie said...

I've been following your updates on Twitter. My prayers are with you and your family at this very scary time.

2:51 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

HBM - I'm so sorry. I hope that your nephew is back to health soon. I will put him on the prayer list.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Rebecca stole my words to the anon commenter.

I've got your back girl. Say the word and I'l meet you at the airport to watch those babies.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Kate said...

This is terrifying story. I knew a boy in 8th grade who suffered the same thing (and recovered by the way). Now as a parent I understand why my mother was so frantic at the time.

I know that this boy will be fine too - and I'm sorry that you have to be the frantic grownup.

2:56 PM  
Blogger slouching mom said...

Catherine. I've been thinking about your nephew nonstop. I'm so sorry. This has been some rough spell for you, hasn't it...

To the woman who finds this blog depressing: Aren't blogs personal diaries? Is your life all rainbows and unicorns?

I didn't think so.

Reality bites sometimes.

Of course you're free to read what you want.

But kicking someone when she's down, and doing so under cover of anonymity? That's just poor sportsmanship.

2:56 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm thinking of you and sending strength with love.... so is Gigi in her own way - but hers involves spit and icing but trust me, it's her own wonderful way. xoxoxo

3:03 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

@anon 2:11 I understand being a hormonal mess, I truly do. You are always free to leave and stop reading. But telling someone they are depressing, when they are depressed and going through something huge is so uncool.

3:04 PM  
Blogger The Ex said...

Thinking of you.

3:08 PM  
OpenID FishyGirl said...

OMG, Catherine, crap. Praying for you and your flamily and Zachary.

3:09 PM  
Blogger MissAnna said...

What a helluva summer for you & your family. Lots of positive thoughts your way, I hope he gets better quickly.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

I agree with slouching mom - on principle, of course - but she also happens to be 100% right about your anonymous no-longer blog reader.
In all else, you whole family is in my prayers - hope & healing all around for you guys.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Don Mills Diva said...

So sorry Catherine. I wish so badly I had more to offer tan my own fervent hope that everything will work out for you and your nephew.

And to anonymous: So just stop reading already. Not being able to handle heavy subject matter is understandable, announcing your intentions and, worse, urging someone who's nephew is fighting for his life to write something funny about the video store for your amusement is so goddamn selfish and rude and unnecessary it makes ME depressed. And angry, very angry.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

I have typed, deleted, and retyped this comment about 10 times. Nothing I can say is going to make this better, but just know there are a lot of people thinking about Zachary and wishing him well.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Velma said...

I'm so sorry for this, on top of everything else that is going on with you and your family. Sending good wishes and hopeful thoughts your way.

3:22 PM  
Blogger JanMary said...

Hugs and prayers.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Heidi said...

I am so sorry. I will pray for your sister, that sweet baby, and you.... I agree, it has to work out. I will continue to follow you & offer any support, all bit it small.

3:26 PM  
OpenID thespottedottoman.com said...

Meningitis is really scary--I had it last month and am still getting through it. There's nothing more frightening than seeing doctors and nurses who can't take their masks and gowns off for you, but the good news is that with watchful care, most people do pull through--the important thing is catching it, which it seems like your family has. It can be a long journey, but with all of your love and support, I suspect that he will pull through.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Maman said...

Sending hopeful thoughts...

3:31 PM  
Blogger Whirlwind said...

I know I've replied on twitter, but I'll say it here as well- you and your family are in our thoughts.

Meenie contracted encephalitis two years ago when she was three. It came on suddenly and was very scary. But she started recovering in a few days thanks to antibiotics (they treated it for both viral and bacterial while they awaited test results) and was back to her normal rambouncous self withing a month and a half.

Here's positive thoughts!

3:32 PM  
Anonymous jessica said...

I'm typically a lurker but I just wanted to take a moment to say that I hope you all find the strength you need to pull through this. I hope that your family gets a happy ending.

3:32 PM  
OpenID asecrettobluebamboo said...

I'll be thinking of your flamily. Kids are fighters, we just need to always remember how much love and determination can change a situation.

3:35 PM  
Anonymous anon 2:11 said...

Oy, I made the wrong choice in expressing myself. At the wrong time. In the wrong way. Just wrong.

Please ignore my comments that included the depressing complaint and please focus on my best wishes and sympathies for what your blog post was really all about.

Very sorry, very embarrassed, and many more positive wishes to you and yours. I'll be going now.

3:39 PM  
Blogger Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

Thinking of you and all your "flamily", including those you have yet to meet. So much at once. Ugh. Sending all my positive energy your way!

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

First of all, sending warm thoughts full of health, strength, and light for your nephew, you and your “flamily”

Second, depressing?? I have to say no, not really, not for me anyway. The subject of this particular post is tragic and scary and oh hell I just want to “fix” it and wish that Life would just give you a breather so you could regain your balance, but the feeling I take away from this and your other recent posts is really awe of the fierceness, and depth, and intensity of your love for your family and your incredible ability to express it so vividly and honestly. So please don’t apologize – real life is messy

3:46 PM  
Blogger Tootsie Farklepants said...

Oh GOD!!! I'm so sorry. Your poor family. My thoughts are with you. All of you.

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Corina said...

I am sitting vigil for you and your family. Your nephew WILL pull through. He WILL be strong once again. He WILL recover and live the life growing boy should. This I promise.

Stay strong girl! Rely on us for your strength. Don't worry about the depressing info.... we all have it from time to time. Sharing this is the human condition.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Mrs. T said...

We'll put him in our prayers.
I know it's so hard for you to be the rock that your sister needs especially from far away. Sometimes the effort is almost as comforting as the action.
Have faith, think good thoughts, and we will pray.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

That sucks! Your poor sister! I will be praying that he recovers quickly and completely. Hang in there!

4:01 PM  
Blogger ChurchPunkMom said...

ok.. now you've done it.. you've gone and made me cry! this one hits a bit close to home..

My SIL's little sister got meningitis in college.. it was terrifying she was in the hospital for I think around a month and ended up with encephalitis as well from it. she was very near death.

Then my brother got it a couple years later. I was in CA and he in FL. I had little ones of my own (as did he) and I had no way to go to him. I. cried. my. eyes. out. And prayed. Hard.

He's still alive and well.

I wish I could chime along with the others and say 'I'm sure he'll pull through, I'm sure he'll be fine.' But I can't. It's a scary disease. But I will hope. and pray. Hard.



and now I will go outside and stomp my feet and scream about how unfair this is for you...

4:03 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

All my thoughts and prayers go out to Zachary and to your family. Terrifying. I know they feel your strength and love from where you are.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous pkzcass said...

Me? I'd be pissed if something like this happened to you and you DIDN'T share it with your readers. That's why I read; because I've come to care for you even though it's in cyberspace...

Am praying for you and your family.

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Walking With Scissors said...

I'm so sorry to hear of everything that's been going on for you lately. I will be thinking about Zachary. For what it's worth, a co-worker of mine was hospitalized for meningitis a few years ago and she came out of it just fine. I know that Zachary will too.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Prayers for your family. I am sorry you are all going through this!

4:11 PM  
Blogger Cagey said...

HBM,
I have been thinking of you a lot during this silly, crappy, shitty time you are having. Concentrate on your family, we will do all the heavy lifting around here.

Also, it is a really sad commentary on life when someone feels the compelling need to crap on someone else's Already Rained-Out Parade. And then, that someone does not even have the cajones to put their NAME on it. Bah.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Momily said...

It all seems like too much for one family to bear. I'm so sorry that life continues to be 100% completely unfair. My thoughts are with you adn all i can say is kudos for having the courage and wherewithall to share all this beautifully and honestly. If some readers can't handle it, then there are lots of other places for them to go.

4:15 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous egm said...

As if you didn't have enough going on . . .

I lived almost 1000 miles away from my family when my younger brother was terminally ill. I had two kids and not a lot of extra money, but I begged, borrowed, and did everything except steal to go see him and the rest of my grieving, stressed out, exhausted family every chance I could. There's every reason to expect that Zachary will make a full recovery, but this is one of those times when you just need to get there. For you, for your sister, for Zachary--just get there.

May you fly on angels' wings, my dear.

4:18 PM  
Blogger cathy said...

I've been following your updates on your nephew on Twitter, and I am terrified for him and heart broken for you and your sister. Can't even imagine what you're going through. Praying that it will all be ok because it has to be.

And, fwiw, your blog is not depressing. It is honest and hilarious and heart wrenching and more all at the same time. But to say that it is depressing, well, you're not giving yourself enough credit. You've had some heavy stuff lately - and presented the heavy stuff so brilliantly - but you've had light stuff in the past.

Praying that your nephew pulls through and is fine and that you can take a breath.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh how scarey for you all. My heart is with him, you, and the rest of the family.

Sending Prayers and good vibes.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh how scarey for you all. My heart is with him, you, and the rest of the family.

Sending Prayers and good vibes.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Bridge said...

The first babies I loved were not mine either...and now one of them is also a big beautiful boy will all of life ahead of him. And so I can begin to imagine how desperate and scary and awful this is for you and your family. So I will add my prayers to all the others. May He reach down and touch Zachary. May He right every wrong in his body. And may He wrap all of you in His peace and comfort in the meantime.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous wright said...

Sending you prayers and hugs!

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I am sending every smidgen of healthy thoughts your nephew's way, and every prayer to you and your sister. I'm going to kiss my beautiful kids now because this life is so unbelievably precious. Hugs...

5:07 PM  
Blogger ScientistMother said...

Keep me posted on whatever you need when you get here, food, rides, shelter. I will do my best. Again, if you need to get something to your sister now, I can. HUGS. You rock and are not depressing. I get strength from reading your blog. You demonstrate how strong we can be.

5:18 PM  
OpenID blissfullycaffeinated said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I really hope he pulls through. My thoughts are with you.

5:33 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

I am holding you all close to my heart right now . . . this seems to be the season for sadness, and I don't like it one bit either.

5:39 PM  
OpenID mommypie said...

I'm so sorry for all your family's going through. You and your nephew are in my prayers. Nothing but positive thoughts coming your way.

5:46 PM  
Anonymous shannon said...

I am also so sorry that this is happening to you. The grief seems to be hitting you in waves doesnt it. Take comfort in the fact that your family knows your love even from a distance. I wish that words could make you feel better. You are such a beautiful writer, and a wonderful person.
:) (Its hard to know what to say, everything seems so presumptuous, coming from me, a stranger, but if enough)

6:01 PM  
Anonymous anna said...

I'm so sorry for your run of crappy luck and am praying for your nephew to come out of this. If positive thoughts from lots of interwebnet friends have any power, then he will be fine in no time!

And to whomever decided to come crap on this post--perhaps you should just take your head out of your ass for ten seconds and think about the kind of pain somebody might be in to have a loved one be sick. Pregnant or not, you should know better. We read blogs to hear about people's lives, and guess what--it's not all sunshine happydance. Next time you want to critique someone for sharing their pain with us in such a brave manner, I really wish you would think twice. Not cool.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Britt said...

i've been following you on twitter too. i'll praying my hart out for your family. (((BIG CYBER HUGS!!)))
life so isnt fair sometimes.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

Oh I hope he is okay. I am praying for you.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Trillian said...

Mouse, Scooter and I are thinking about your family and sending good thoughts.

6:55 PM  
Blogger whensheworeponytails said...

I got your vodka and Zoloft. But I don't have Xanax.

Please PLEASE don't feel tired of the SAD and HEAVY and LOW. That's what we're about, bloggers that is. And we can't always be funny. We can't always be happy or entertaining. Sometimes we're just ourselves with some difficult circumstances. And dammit all to hell, those times deserve just as much posting as the others. It helps to not be alone. AND it helps to read someone else and know you're not alone. You provide both of those. You are realistic and fabulous and I love when I come by and there is a new post no matter the subject material. You never disappoint.

Zachary is in my thoughts and prayers. I have been through watching a child you love hurt/sick. It's debilitating. In my heart I just have to believe like you are saying. He WILL be okay. Because he has to be.

7:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

How much more can you be put through? I am so sorry to hear about your nephew and I hope things turn the corner soon.

To echo ScientistMother and Mr. Lady, I can help you out here too if you need: babysitting, errands to the hospital or your sister's family, etc.

Let me know if I can help.

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Kaye said...

I've never commented before and I don't know what I can say that hasn't been said already, but I figure more positive vibes can't hurt. Am wishing the VERY BEST for you and your family! You all deserve it and I sincerely hope you get nothing but encouraging/good news from now on.

And, for what it's worth, I love your blog because it is real and heartfelt.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Cara said...

What a beautifully composed post.

My thoughts are with you, your sister and her family tonight.

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Veronica @Toddled Dredge said...

Praying for him.

7:36 PM  
Blogger bigmama said...

I couldn't breathe as I read your blog...I pray for all of you and your family...I hope you will end up flying there even if it's just for a day...your sister needs it and I believe YOU need it...just go and hold his hand...

7:42 PM  
Blogger bigmama said...

I couldn't breathe as I read your blog...I pray for all of you and your family...I hope you will end up flying there even if it's just for a day...your sister needs it and I believe YOU need it...just go and hold his hand...

7:42 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Wow. Don't know what to say, so won't say anything other than it will be OK. He will be OK. Because as you say, it must.

7:49 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you and yours.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Ree said...

I haz teh vudka and teh vikodin. I haz teh prayrs for you and those you love my friend.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Wishing, hoping, praying for the best. I have to believe it must, too. Anything else is just too unfair.

xo

8:25 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I'm not the praying kind, but I'm praying for Zach.

I'm so, so sorry, C.

8:57 PM  
Blogger ML said...

You're in my thoughts. I wish you strength and peace.

8:58 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

My family is including Zachary and all of you within his circle in our prayers. We're also praying for the wisdom of the medical professionals working with him and his family at this time. Truly great things can happen. Our prayer is Zachary heals and continues to brighten the world.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Nina said...

praying praying praying. Hugs to you and your babies and Zachary and your sister and all your family. I hope you can go and be with them.

8:59 PM  
OpenID marymurtz said...

Lifting Zachary (and all of you) in prayer right now. I'm sure many of us wish we lived next door and could take things over for you so you could just hop the next plane and go.

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Angella said...

If I was not 4 hours from Vancouver I would offer to host you all.

I am praying that everything works out.

9:13 PM  
Blogger babybloomr said...

I had viral meningitis about 20 years ago, along with three other family members-- we were all home for Christmas and apparently got exposed at the same time. We were literally spread out all over the country and between the four of us we had spinal taps, seizures, hospitalizations and scary, scary times. But we all recovered completely. Zach can too.
Praying.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Noelle said...

I wish Zach the best. I will pray for him and the rest of your family.

9:48 PM  
Anonymous gurukarm said...

Re "depressing blog" - why is it when someone has something negative to say instead of supportive, they do the anonymous thing? (Just saw the same thing at BackPackingDad) - if you've got something to say (seems to me, at least), OWN IT, people!

And my something to say is, same as in my tweets - sending prayers, hugs, love to you and yours. And thank you for giving us his name to focus on. It's good to read the comments of those who've come through this awful disease and are able to offer hope.

love to you!

10:01 PM  
Anonymous bel said...

You and your family are in my thoughts, HBM.

10:14 PM  
Blogger akakarma said...

Trolls, yuk! Sending hugs and wishes of good outcome even tho you do not know me at all! Never apologize for needing support- asking is how you get and you are where you are and we will count on you when we need it (hypothetically). I sure hope it is all okay...

10:17 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

HOney, I can't imagine how your sister, your mother, you, Tanner... how your whole family must feel right now, besides frantic. Thinnking of you and hoping for th very best of news, in fact, for him to utterly astound the medical community with a stunning comeback. Hugs to all of you, and the contnts of my well-stocked liquor cabinet.)

10:41 PM  
Blogger Manic Mommy said...

Please take the opportunity to rely on the kindness of strangers who so desperately want to help.

Most of all, my heart breaks for your sister. How much should one mother have to endure.

You are all in my prayers.

10:42 PM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

Holy Fuck Catherine. How terrifying. All my best hopes are headed out west towards your family.

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Barbara K. said...

Delurking to say I'm so sorry to hear that your nephew is so very sick. Sending all my prayers to your family. I've traveled Boston to Vancouver with two kids and I know it's a long trip. I hope you can find a way to bring your love and support to your family in person. And if not, then I know they must feel it even from a long distance. Living far away from my (Canadian) family, I know that sometimes it's hard to be in the place you want to be most of all.

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying everything works out for your family. Twenty years ago two cousins both caught meningitis at the same time. It was initially thought they may have had amoebic meningitis but it turned out be a serious viral form. Both boys survived. One has no long-lasting effects and is in university. The other has moderate effects and has just graduated from high-school. I hope for the same fairytale ending for your family.

11:33 PM  
Anonymous Undomestic Diva said...

This is when you need us, your virtual friends. We're with you, him and all your family.

We ache with you.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Maia said...

Sorry to hear about your nephew. Will be sending positive thoughts / good vibes / prayers his way!

11:52 PM  
Anonymous lavandula said...

oh catherine sending you a big hug. i will pray for your nephew. hoping all goes well. and you are not the most depressing blog ...anyways we all heart you and our here regardless of whether it is happy or sad or serious ...

11:59 PM  
Blogger Connie said...

Catherine, sending good thoughts your way. Hopefully you'll be on your way to your nephew very, very soon.

12:04 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

This amount of drama is appropriate for sweeps week on TV, but no good for real life! I'm so sorry about this horrible thing. Love and strength for you and your family and for Zachary's rapid recovery.

1:07 AM  
Blogger Mojavi said...

OMG! OMFG! How crazy. I am so freaked for your family right now.. NO words No words...

sending health and love and hope your way.....

1:15 AM  
Blogger Kim/2 Kids said...

My heart is so heavy for you and your family, especially your sister. I cannot imagine what she is going through. I have a sister who is severly disabled who wasn't suppossed to live past ten years old and is still doing well at 25, my husband has a progressive terminal illness but none of that compares to my children. I cannot imagine losing a child. I am sending every good thought, vibe and prayer the way of your entire family. I am so sorry. Please know that there are so many people thinking of you.

1:48 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

My husband lost his younger brother in 1996. I've always thought that prior heartbreak and tragedy should inoculate a family against any more grief. I truly wish that was the case.

I'm sending prayers to your family and your nephew for strength and recovery. He needs to be well again.

5:41 AM  
Blogger zchamu said...

Have encountered meningitis in my life before and lost a friend to it. No more. Zachary, please be OK. I have everything crossed for him.

6:52 AM  
Blogger Kris said...

My daughter was diagnosed with meningitis just before her first birthday. It was a hard battle, but they caught it quickly and she's a healthy normal 6 year old. I hope that your nephew has similar results. I will be praying, just know there is HOPE. Never give up hope.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Alex said...

Oh geez, Catherine, this on top of everything else. My love and happy thoughts are headed out West for Zachary.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

i hope you won't mind if i bring this up this morning in our staff devotions. (i teach at a christian high school, so we have a staff prayer-time every morning before classes begin.) we always talk about prayer requests and then pray as a large group, so we will all be praying for zachary and all the rest of his and your family.

i love you tons, catherine. there really is hope - i promise.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Bella said...

very, very sorry. My most hopeful positive thoughts are with you and your family. It's just too much...

Wish I had better words.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Rusti said...

My thoughts & prayers are absolutely with you and your entire family... Hoping for a quick and full recovery... {HUGS}

11:01 AM  
Blogger Tracey said...

My prayers for your entire family.... I'm so sorry...

11:11 AM  
Blogger delaneydiariesmama said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for your nephew, your sister, your family, you.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Anissa Mayhew said...

C,

I know the fear for a child's life is crippling. We have been there, we never leave THERE, really. I'll be praying for strength, comfort and healing.

I'm so very sorry.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your nephew. Thank you for sharing it with all of us, so that we can send tons of positive energy his way. I hope you are able to be there soon. I am thinking of all of you!

12:09 PM  
Blogger justmylife said...

Your nephew and all of your family is in my prayers!

12:33 PM  
Blogger Keely said...

I'm five months pregnant with my 2nd child - and I've got to say that my heart aches for you.... as a new reader/blog friend, a woman, a mother, and a daughter. What you and your family have been going through lately keeps me coming back because I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through what you are and not be able to write and vent and ask for understanding and support. Hormones or no, I keep coming back because I admire your strength and integrity and openness and I want you to know that your words give me courage to deal with things I'd rather not.

Sending love, support, prayers and healing thoughts to you, your family and especially Zachary.

12:50 PM  
Blogger just beth said...

I've been following you on twitter, too, and have been holding my breath for you and your family. You take care.

xo

b.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending you and your family warmth and light. And prayers, many, many prayers.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that Kamloops (my home town - I recognize those scrubby hills anywhere) I see in the background? It's good that he's now in Children's. RIH is fine, but Children's is exceptional. He's getting the best care.

If your sister needs any help in Vancouver write a post and I'm sure there are dozens of us Lower Mainlanders who will be happy to help in any way possible.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Schmutzie said...

I've given you an award!
http://www.schmutzie.com/2008/08/how-my-life-was-made-less-poopy.html

3:43 PM  
Blogger LD said...

Oh my-- I don't pray that often, but I'll be praying for your nephew.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous fruitlady said...

Sending you and your "Flamily" happy and healthy and healing thoughts from Denver, CO.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Miss Grace said...

Every day I come here and I read, and lately, every day it makes me cry. But I keep coming back to read, because my heart truly goes out to you and yours.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

Consider all of us readers/bloggers/friends to be there with you holding you up. Lean on us and let us be your strength because everyone needs someone to help hold them up at times like these. Hold your chin up high knowing that we will be there to help you lift it when you need us. We all love you and wish you and your family and all your extended family nothing but the best.

4:31 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

Sending you and your family love, strength and lots of hope for a swift recovery. xo.

5:03 PM  
Blogger J from Ireland said...

Oh my God, the poor boy. Thoughts and prayers to you all.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

I'm pulling for him, and you. Take care of yourself.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Green said...

Checking multiple times a day to see a (hopefully positive) update on your very special flamily member.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Kaza said...

It just sucks and it's wrong and I have nothing to offer but prayers and a big bottle of Vodka. ((HUGS))

7:08 PM  
Blogger GeekMommy said...

Adding our prayers and good thoughts here... Hoping Zachary is looking back in a couple of years laughing as he tells a beautiful girl about this one time when he was so sick everyone thought he was going to die, but it turned out he was just fine... so that she oohs and ahs and falls for his charming ways and his dashing bravery.

((((hug)))))

Hang in there.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Mitzi Green said...

jesus christ. thinking about you and your family.

8:08 PM  
Blogger abbyjess said...

He will get better... With the love he is surrounded in, he just will.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Carmen said...

My fervent hopes and prayers for a quick recovery for your nephew. Oh, my goodness...so much heaviness on your heart lately, it seems...The hard times feel so much heavier when we're really tired too. My heart goes out to you. May you be lifted and encouraged by love, good wishes and prayers.
Oh, and, your blog is not the most depressing. It's real.

8:20 PM  
Blogger Cameron said...

Read daily...never replied yet. Wanted to let you know I am praying hard for Zachary. I have a nephew Zachary too and he taught me how to love and want one of my own. May God be with Zachary and make him well. I can tell how much he is loved.

Many prayers and blessings,
Mary
Martinsburg, WV

8:50 PM  
Blogger Mommato2 said...

As a Mom, I totally get the desperation and fear your sister is feeling. Please send lots of love and prayers to her from my family.
Hugs to you all.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your nephew and his family, they are with you and yours. May he be granted a full and speedy recovery.

My heart aches for the fear you are facing.

9:42 PM  
Anonymous elle said...

Thank you for writing this amazing blog. I am inspired by your openness and eloquence and ability to acknowledge and feel both despair the and the joy that is this thing called life.

I am sorry for your difficult times. The hard times will not last. Here's hoping it gets better soon.



( I bet Catherine accepted the apology of the person who wrote the not-so-nice comment, so hopefully the rest of us can too.)

10:00 PM  
Anonymous elle said...

Thank you for writing this amazing blog. I am inspired by your openness and eloquence and ability to acknowledge and feel both despair the and the joy that is this thing called life.

I am sorry for your difficult times. The hard times will not last. Here's hoping it gets better soon.



( I bet Catherine accepted the apology of the person who wrote the not-so-nice comment, so hopefully the rest of us can too.)

10:00 PM  
Blogger Professional Critic said...

Oh, no. No, no, no. Not okay. Universe, take note and clean up this mess, post haste.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Every time I even try to think of something comforting or kind or even witty to say to one of the several posts you've produced over the past week, all I can do is cry.
I am left sitting, staring at my screen, weeping and sobbing.

Zachary will be alright because as you said, he must be! And the universe is NOT going to dish out any more pain to you right now lady. I deem it to be so.

I can't offer you a damn thing. A shot of vodka? A handful of my xanax maybe? But that pales in comparison to what you've offered me with your writing.

I want you to know that after I read your posts about William Frederick Hunter, and Beaner, I posted something to my own blog that I never, ever thought I'd have the courage to put it print. I blogged about the pain that my father had been causing me for the past 37 years. And while it may offer you little consolation, I want you to know that there is no doubt in my mind that if I had not read your posts of last week, I NEVER would have gotten that out.

So, thank you. And I am sending every iota of positivity I have to your little space in the world.

2:40 AM  
Blogger -The Shiny Happy Mama- said...

Keeping Zach and your family in my thoughts. So sorry that this is happening to all of you. xoxoxo

8:14 AM  
Blogger Mad said...

I'm so sorry Catherine. Godspeed in your travels to get there.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous jill said...

Have been thinking about you and your family even though I know you only from Twitter. Checking in to see how he's doing, and saw your Tweet. Just so you know, total strangers are following and hoping for the best.

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just found your blog through Motherhood Uncensored and I can't tell you how touched I am by everything that is going on in your life. I, too, have a 16-year-old nephew who I love and adore more than the world and who loves and adores my little girl so much it makes my heart sing. I can't imagine if he became sick, the anguish I would go through. Please know Zachary and your entire family are in our prayers tonight and every night until he comes home healed.

2:21 PM  
Anonymous ilinap said...

I spent 10 years volunteering with pediatric bone marrow transplant patients who were terminal and facing their last ditch efforts of treatment. Any story dealing with sick kids makes my heart ache. Due to my humbling volunteer experience, I hug my boys a little harder everyday. My prayers are with your family. Those are some pretty special boys your sister has.

8:40 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Holy CRAP, woman! Lotsa heavy, but you're beautiful to post, and to write so eloquently, and each one of these heavy things strikes a chord with me. No violins needed. Or Zoloft. I just imagine if this were to happen to my god daughter - my first baby love, and I couldn't bear it. He's in my thoughts. He is well. Do post an update at some point.

1:49 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

MATILDA means mighty battler
MILLIE means labour of strength
MEGAN a fine pearl

or how about MIRA...short for miracle.

no matter what her name, she is one blessed little gift. This story reminds me of how through struggle, there is always great love and miraculous discoveries. As a friend just reassured me, "Take Gods gifts when they come. They are wrapped in mysterious ways."

11:12 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

I'm an ass. That should be MY name. Let me re post the last comment in its correct spot!

11:13 AM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

My thoughts are with your sister, you, and especially Zachary. What an ordeal. No mother should have to see her "baby" suffer. I hope they can figure out what's going on and fix it as quickly as possible.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Sending love and prayers - you and your nephew are in our thoughts.

7:38 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

So very sorry for your sister, for you, for Zachary and for your family. I hope that this all turns out all right and that he feels the power of all of our well wishes, beating back the bad.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I am so sorry to hear this awful news, but I am praying for you and hoping that things turn around quickly. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more.

9:59 PM  
OpenID crunchiemummy said...

Nothing more to add other than I am so sorry. I hope that your nephew gets well soon.

6:23 PM  
Blogger Deidre said...

I just found your blog through the blogher network.

I will be thinking of you and your family - it is so hard to be away from the ones you love.

I, too, know what it is like to fall completely in love with a nephew.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Good freaking God.

I am with you, C. I am so aghast at all of this - and wishing you and your sister nothing but hope and peace and health. Oh I hope...

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

XOXOXOXOXO

3:04 PM  
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