Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


He was the first baby that I ever loved. He was the boy who taught me that I could love and care for someone much smaller than myself and still be myself. He was the reason I decided that I wanted one, maybe two, of my own (I will always be grateful to him for showing me that such love is possible, that the feel of one small, precious hand in one's own is enough to fill the heart to busting, to satisfy it for an eternity). He was four when he toasted my husband and I at our wedding: TO FLAMILY, he said, raising his little glass of milk. To flamily. His name is Zachary, and I adore him.

Until two days ago, he was vibrant, beautiful, all tanned legs and arms and muscle and tousled hair, the very picture of unbridled boyhood in its sixteenth summer. Then it all turned. One minute he's getting ready to go to his summer job, the next he's vomiting in a clinic, the next he's crumpled on the floor of the hospital, unable to walk. The next he's medivacced to Vancouver, to a larger, better hospital, to specialists, to a place where they try to make sick children feel better. Beautiful boy, crippled and hurting and scared.

He's fighting for his life, for his body, with his body. It's meningitis, and it's aggressive. It's wrapped itself around his spine and is attacking, circling its way like a snake, inching its way to his brain, licking at him with a poisonous tongue. He's paralyzed, and he's scared, we're all scared, and we don't how this is going to go.

I am so worried that I feel physically ill. I desperately want to see him, and to see my sister, who has already suffered so much, and to just wrap them in my arms and squeeze, hard, hard as I can. But it's complicated, and I can't just jump on a plane, because I do, now, have my own children, and it pains me desperately that I can't just rush home nownownow to my family and be there. And hold my Zach, and tell him that it's going to be okay.

Because it will be okay. It must.

It must.

(Oh, hey! Welcome to THE MOST DEPRESSING BLOG IN THE WORLD. Bring your Zoloft and your Xanax and your vodka and stay awhile! I don't have the violin soloist going - YET - but in the meantime I have some lovely, sombre chamber music rolling on 8-track in the background. Do, stay. Misery loves company, especially if it brings liquor.)

(Am feeling just totally defeated, and really fucking tired of all the SAD and the HEAVY and the LOW.)

(I can has hope nao plz?)


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Anonymous reallyIamagoodmommy said...

I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself tonight, and then I read your blog. I am so, so sorry for what you and your family are going trough. I can't imagine being in your sister's shoes.
I like you have two beautiful children, a son
(6) and a daughter (5). I often think of what it would be like to have a third and wonder if I want to mess with my perfect little family.
I was slighty depressed today over what now seems to be very petty things. Your blog has made me realize -- if not only for the moment -- just how lucky I am.
I send out all the love, prayers, and support that a stranger 1000's of miles away can send to another in need of such support.
I will be donating what I can for Tanner. I wish all the health, and speedy recovery for Zachary.
I have dealt with a lot in my lifetime; however, I could not imagine what it would be like to deal with even the thought of loosing a child.

Sincerely, sincerely,
Mom of Two

1:04 AM  
Blogger Iheartfashion said...

Why do some families get hit so hard? Your sister must be at her wit's end. I'm praying for your family.

9:33 AM  
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