Her Bad Mother

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sammich, With Bevvies, To Go (A Urinary Tale)

"I no go pottie"

"That's fine. If you don't have to go, that's fine."

"I fine. I no have to go."

There's a loud rip as the diaper is torn and yanked out from between her legs, and then a thud as it lands at my feet.

"I no need diaper."

"I would rather you wear a diaper."

"No."

"Then you need to wear your Dora pants."

"No. I fine. I put pee-pee in toilet."

Fine, I think. Whatever. I'm too far exhausted to wrestle her into a diaper, and far too mentally and emotionally spent to invite another tantrum. And isn't there some sort of toilet-training method that involves just letting your kid run around naked and piss on the floor and it's all like attachment-potty-training or some such shit? Whatever. I GIVE UP.

Five minutes later, I notice that she has a small plastic cup - a bath toy - clutched between her knees.

"What are you doing with the cup, sweetie?"

"I just HOLDING IT. I FINE. YOU DON'T TAKE IT AWAY."

Whatever.

Two minutes later, my attention - heretofore entirely occupied by the critical task of figuring out whether to hoist my massive, belly-heavy self to its feet and down to the kitchen for more chocolate, and risk distracting the hellion from her concentrated effort to balance wooden fried eggs between wooden slices of bread and create the perfect fake fried egg sandwich, or to just stay safely and comfortably put - is captured by the sound of a single stream of rain hitting an empty plastic bucket.

It's not raining. And we have no buckets.

Wonderbaby has abandoned her toy kitchen cum sandwich station and is standing with chubby naked legs spread, both of her little hands clutching the plastic cup directly beneath her nether regions, and is peeing into the cup. She waits for the stream to run its course, and then waits another moment to catch the drips, and then marches blithely past me, out of the playroom and into the bathroom, where - as I continue to watch, in stunned, immobile silence - she carefully pours the contents of the cup into the toilet and flushes.

"I PUT PEE-PEE IN TOILET MAMA. I ALL DONE."

Then she washes her hands, and leaves the cup in the bathroom sink. She returns to her post in the playroom, where she puts the wooden slices of bread stacked with wooden fried eggs on a little wooden plate, dashes some imaginary salt from the toy shaker over it all, and hands it to me.

"There you go Mama. You need my cup? For juice?"

Does one laugh, or cry? SERIOUSLY.

Am f*cked.

Labels: , ,

85 Comments:

Blogger flutter said...

Hello? TRANQ DART!

10:19 PM  
Anonymous kristabella said...

Um, better than peeing on the carpet? And she knew she had to go and knew NOT to pee on the carpet?

Hurray for small victories!

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

LOL - several times. I say, count this as a success. She's showing good bladder control. This cup thing must just be some safe transition to the potty/toilet for her. Maybe she just wants to be in complete control of the pee.

10:38 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Actually I have to agree with the others that said this looks like progress. Really. She knows she's not supposed to pee on the floor. She knows the pee is supposed to go in the toilet. She just apparently hasn't mastered the bit that involves sitting on the toilet.

Not that that's much consolation when your kid just peed in a drinking cup, but, you know . . . dishwashers do sterilize things pretty well ;)

10:49 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

I'm sorry....I can't stop laughing, but if it were my kid I would be doing the exact stunned immobile silence and then muttering any number of expletives. Later, I would laugh.

It's actually pretty impressive, though. The thought process, the execution? Smart.

10:51 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I am snorting because I am laughing so hard. This one is seriously smart. Too smart for your own good.

But think of it this way: although you'll have to worry about what her creative and energetic efforts will produce, you'll never have to worry about her peeing on the floor. And there is much to be said for small favors.

10:58 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

I, for one, am impressed. That took some thought, effort, execution. She's potty training... in her own way.

So how was the juice? ;)

11:06 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Dude, don't drink the apple juice.

Oh and laugh or cry? How about a little of both.

11:20 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

laugh, while crying. In manic manner while wringing hands and pulling hair.

11:20 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

I think that shows she totally understands the concept...maybe just get her to sit down and you are done! ;)

11:23 PM  
Blogger Ms. Huis Herself said...

That is awesome. Go WonderBaby!

11:49 PM  
Blogger liz said...

Laugh. Definitely laugh. That little girl of yours is aptly named. Wonderbaby indeed.

12:00 AM  
Blogger nomotherearth said...

I don't think that I have enough aim to pee in a cup like that...that's talent! I would only use a glass straight from the dishwasher from now on, though - to be safe.

1:29 AM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

Oh.. my... gosh!! I need to take a breath from all the laughing.

Wow! That kid of yours is amazing!

1:48 AM  
Blogger Sass E-mum said...

This is great. She's taking control and you might not be changing more than one lot of nappies. (Yes, I know, DIAPERS. Sheesh).

1:55 AM  
Anonymous Assertagirl said...

Actually, this does make an excellent story you can tell her repeatedly throughout the years. In front of potential boyfriends.

7:50 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I have all this to come, lucky me!

I must say, I'm just impressed with Wonderbaby's dexterity throughout this cup-peeing exercise.

7:50 AM  
Blogger Whirlwind said...

I'm sorry, but that is too freaking funny!

I think it's safe to say she's got control and knows what she's doing. Now to get her to do it the right way!

8:08 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

It's happened here as well. And well, we laugh--what else can you do right?

Throw that cup in the dishwasher on high heat and count this as a story to pull out when you meet her first boyfriend.

8:23 AM  
Blogger LD said...

If I were even 5 minutes pregnant, I don't think this would be funny. But it really, really is. I'm not looking forward to this stage...

9:19 AM  
Blogger Binkytown said...

I am laughing but if I were you I might cry a little, just over the force of her will and instance to find her own option when it comes to something like pee.

Still, have to agree with commenters, better the cup than a rug.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You said...

I say that's a pretty enterprising little girl! At least she didn't pee on the fried egg sandwich!

9:30 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I know you're in hell, but your stories can't help but make me laugh and laugh.

Take comfort in the fact that you can embarrass the living daylights out of her with this story when she's 16.

9:40 AM  
Blogger b*babbler said...

Oh. Must stop giggling, and take deep breath.

One does have to hope, desperately, that you are still blogging when she's a teenager.

Because boy, you have some FUN times ahead!

(Smarty pants!)

9:49 AM  
OpenID FishyGirl said...

Well, I chose laughing.

It's actually a GREAT thing - WB knows what to do and can recognize the sound. My MIL told me that they trained my husband, who up and decided he hated diapers and was done with them, but then had issues with execution on the toilet, carried around a jar, and it was the fun and excitement of peeing in the jar and dumping it into the toilet that got him trained. I think it's a sign of brilliance, actually. Well done.

Just be careful what cup you drink out of.

9:54 AM  
Blogger IzzyMom said...

Dude, my 2yr son will stand up in the bathtub and pee in the nearest vessel, then hand it to one of us to empty for him. The thought of peeing in the tub horrifies him. I think our kids are little genius' :)

9:54 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

That kid is going to rule the world some day. Be afraid.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Congratulations! This is just what potty training looks like - you should write a book! She can hold it in and knows it belongs in the potty - you are almost home free.
Has she been going to OB appointments with you, where you, you know, pee in a cup?


My son hated the sound of pee hitting the toilet b/c of his SPD, but my friend suggested I put a diaper in his potty to absorb the sound - 3 weeks later he was peeing on the real potty, flushing, washing and reappearing later (still with no pants on, but it was very good progress)

10:17 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Wow, that's some control to pee in a cup. Is she available to teach my son?

10:20 AM  
Blogger Nic said...

I can't pee in a cup when I go to the doctor's. I'm pretty impressed.

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow way to go wonderbaby that takes some skill to stand up and pee in a cup without making any mess and hey she washed her hands afterwards ....LAVANDULA

11:32 AM  
Blogger --j. said...

Hilarious! My 3-year old son (who was potty trained long before this) regularly peed in the cat's litter box, until I caught him in the act. His rationale: "well, the cat pees in there". This, after kitty had been the to vet twice for producing an overabundance of pee.

I totally blame his father.

11:39 AM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

Peeing in a cup already with perfect aim? You have a talented daughter there, my friend!

BTW, I'm never drinking apple juice at your house.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Lala said...

BRILL-yant, and hilarious to boot.
She's all ready for a camping trip in the woods.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Syko said...

I'm mightily impressed, having no talent in this respect at all, and when I have to leave a sample for the doctor, invariably pee all over my own hand. She's doing great!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

So she actually got it in the cup, emptied it without spilling and washed her own hands, eliminating the need for her pregnant mama to clean up pee off the floor? I would laugh and, perhaps, applaud (just a little). She *is* a wonder.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous Greta said...

I'd call that progress.

Hysterical, btw, just linked over from Bloggess.

You should have a t-shirt made:

"It's not raining. And we have no buckets."

1:31 PM  
Anonymous ScientistMother said...

Laugh, Laugh, and Laugh some more. That little girl of yours is most definitely a Wonderbaby. I agree with the comments, what a thought process, what execution. Not a drop on the floor! Any cup lying around needs to be sterilized! Yeah Wonderbaby!

1:57 PM  
Blogger Niksmom said...

ROFL! Oh definitely laugh and cheer! That's a pretty sophisticated bit of sequencing, dexterity, and control! I am impressed...and not looking forward to potty training my son!

2:11 PM  
Anonymous wright said...

I might cry from laughing so hard! That's too funny!!!

2:29 PM  
Anonymous red pen mama said...

that rocks. That is perhaps the most coordinated kid ever. I love it. Thank you -- thank WB -- for the laugh.

Red Pen Mama

3:29 PM  
Blogger Mac and Cheese said...

...and I have to envy you that yours will at least pee in a cup. I'd keep your own drinking glasses on the highest shelf though.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, so not even close to the first (or last kid) to do this...at least yours didn't do it on the rug, in the corner, where no one noticed till the stench was nauseating...

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, so not even close to the first (or last kid) to do this...at least yours didn't do it on the rug, in the corner, where no one noticed till the stench was nauseating...

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, so not even close to the first (or last kid) to do this...at least yours didn't do it on the rug, in the corner, where no one noticed till the stench was nauseating...

3:35 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

me thinks she wishes was a a boy child!

3:44 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I actually think, to the contrary... are not fucked. Are seeing good things, if not quite precisely as you mgiht have envisioned them.

4:01 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Congratulations! You have successfully cup trained your daughter!! To hell with those big bulky toilets... so very funny...

5:06 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

That's hilarious. She's got spunk.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

Oh Shit, hon. You gotta laugh. If you don't, you pull something.

That is just awesome. Thank God for kids like Wonderbaby or else what would we blog about?

Hope you feel great today, and that the rest of the pregnancy SAILS by!!

7:12 PM  
Anonymous Ree said...

Oh, babe, you are f*cked.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Major Bedhead said...

Don't do either too hard or you'll be the one needing the pee cup.

I think it's hysterical. And clever. Mine just pees on the floor when I let her run around naked.

8:13 PM  
OpenID cheezewhizandmustard said...

That is talent. I have a hard time peeing perfectly into the damn cup every time I go to my prenatal appointment!

10:14 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Cheezewhiz - tell me about it. I can't get a stream in to save my life at this point. So, yeah: I envy her talent.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous dana said...

Oh, Catherine! This is the best thing I have read all night. I can just picture the whole thing...I can almost see Dawson doing something like this. I was laughing so hard that my husband called from the living room, "Are you gonna lay that egg already?" (Okay, maybe I was cackling.)

Then he came over to read it and he says, "wow. this lady can write. funny shit!"

so. there you have it.

(I'm still giggling.)

11:37 PM  
Blogger Haley-O said...

Are you kidding? It's BRILLIANT! I love it! Must give Monkey cup to pee in! Believe me, it's better than the floor (been there done that)!

11:45 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I am still marveling at the fact that she got all the pee in the cup. If one of my darlings tried to pee in a cup, there would be no pee in the cup. It'd be all over my floor.

9:27 AM  
Blogger furiousBall said...

one baby, one cup

10:13 AM  
Blogger womaninawindow said...

Makes perfect sense to me!

11:22 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Mama T - if it had gone all over the floor, I wouldn't be around to write about it. My head would have blown clean off my shoulders.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

Looks like you have prodigy in your midst. Peeing in a cup with great aim, how can you not be proud. I am with you though with having the kids just run around naked untill they are potty trained and some sort of cleaner pooper picker upper follows them around.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

That is brilliant.

I can NEVER get the pee to stay in the cup.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

That is a great story! We are struggling with potty issues over here, although it's #2 which looms over our head. For love or money, can't get the boy to do it in the potty.

Anyway, first time commenter and am loving your blog!

3:25 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

That is hilarious and totally something that would happen in my house!!

4:41 PM  
Blogger Miss Merry Sunshine said...

"I just HOLDING IT. I FINE. YOU DON'T TAKE IT AWAY."

I freaking love this kid!! I'm afraid my own Fatty is going to be this strong willed and then I will just raise the white flag. I can't handle 2 meanie kids. I cannot believe she can pee in a cup!!! I think she'll be there soon :)

5:12 PM  
Blogger Minnesota Matron said...

With girls, this sort of thing is an art form. The boys? They will take that stream and have at it. When my five-year old needs to pee, he'll yell: "Sword fight" and his big brother and father (yes) will run in and pee too, sword fighting with the streams. I am so sorry I reproduced. Or married?

6:50 PM  
Blogger Urban Daddy said...

... unbelievable!

8:22 PM  
Blogger ~Kat~ said...

Oh, that "rip" and "thud" diaper fling ritual sounds ever so familiar. So- now you ask yourself the question, "does a recepticle by any other name still smell as sweet as a proper potty"? and if the answer is "heck no- she got it IN, man!" then walk away smirking that she GOT it...

9:02 PM  
Blogger Animal said...

I just love imagining her look of steely-eyed determination as she marches past you with her cup of "juice." Hi.Lar.I.Ous.

9:04 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I'm just so impressed that she can hit the cup. I'm thirty-plus years older than her, and I still have trouble with that.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

MGM - you should have seen me today at prenatal visit, trying to get the piss in a cup. EMBARRASSING. My toddler can outpiss me.

9:35 PM  
Blogger justmylife said...

Well, it is better than the floor. I am impressed, I can't pee in a cup without getting it everywhere. Maybe I should try it standing up! I guess whatever works!

12:48 PM  
Blogger The Former Idealist said...

So my kid stripping, strapping on snow boots, then deciding to pee in a nearby laundry basket isn’t so unusual after all?

Good to know.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

mine just peed on the floor.
I think you are very lucky.

7:18 PM  
Blogger irishkat said...

To fricking funny. She is pure brilliance in the making. But I don't think I would ever trust any beverage she offered me!

10:08 PM  
Blogger Karianna said...

Mmm. Yeah. Mine urinated on a Thomas the Train car saying he was filling it with freight. Fun times!

12:23 AM  
Anonymous well read hostess said...

Laugh. By all means laugh. And make sure to save this account of the event for her high school graduation party and/or wedding reception.

9:40 AM  
Blogger ladyvonkulp said...

Duct tape. With the first child, I had to resort first to putting on the diaper backwards, then to duct tape.

11:19 AM  
Blogger daysgoby said...

What about going to a few really neat sports bottles or drink containers with lids and straws? Just for a few weeks until she forgets about this?

12:03 PM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

Cup and all, it still sounds better than how things are going at my house. Ada appears to be holding her urine all afternoon, in order to pee as much as possible while in the bath. Did I mention that toddlers like to drink bath water? Sigh.

Oh wait, that's not fair. She pees other places. Like on purpose on the pillow from the couch. Nice.

5:00 PM  
Blogger ~**Dawn**~ said...

I am duly impressed. That takes some concentration! Even for those of us that have the potty mastered. ;-)

6:59 PM  
Anonymous gurukarm said...

I like assertagirl's comment - makes me think of a new use for archived blog posts - "you must read this URL before you take my daughter out" bwaaahhaaahaa!

hah - this is one smart kiddo, HBM! "wonder" indeed.

8:38 PM  
Anonymous kc said...

Hello! I found your site when I was looking at someone else's. This post made me laugh a lot. :)

5:13 PM  
Blogger 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

Monsterously funny! Wonderbaby has mad pee skillz! Can she teach me how to do that without getting it all over my hands?

3:30 AM  
Blogger Little Chickadee said...

Awesome! And hysterical! And yes, you're completely screwed. As Shrek said, 'Join the club - we've got jackets.' :)

6:09 PM  

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