Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

R Rated Road Trip

Brought to you by guestblogger, Gingajoy…


The Wife, The Husband, Two Children, Fetid Dog, No legroom. Levered into the car for the four-hour trip to Grandma’s. Forbidden Lunchable snacks have been consumed, messily. The Baby has finally drifted off, and the DVD player kicks in for Big Brother.

For the grownups…this is as close to Couple Time as they are going to get.

The Wife coyly broaches the subject. “So. I’m signed up to do “Burlesque Blogging” next week for Her Bad Mother…..” “I have no clue what to write about. I mean. It’s meant to be burlesque.”

She looks sidelong at The Husband at the wheel. “Well” he says nonchalantly, “you do know that burlesque originally refers to a “literary device for parodic gesture?”

(She didn’t)

“Oh Yes!” She exclaims “And, of course, the burlesque as a performative genre has its roots in the Italian Commedia d’Elle Arte. As you know.” (No need to mention that this little tidbit came courtesy of a wikipedia search earlier that afternoon).

“The thing is,” she says “I think the idea was more in line with burlesque as striptease. You know. Naked girls and big feathered fans and all that. The word HBM used was “dirty.” Actually, instructions were along the lines of ‘make it dirty, dirty, dirty, gals… but feel free to interpret the word loosely.’ But I think she’s thinking along the sex lines.”

“What about that episode of South Park” The Husband warms to the idea now. “The one where Mr Garrison has all the kids listing all the sex positions they know “Missionary, Filthy Sanchez, Glass Bottomed Boat… That was really funny. And filthy”

“There’s definitely some inspiration to be had there” she concedes “But I got the sense that she was thinking something a little more sophisticated, you know, where the narrative can function figuratively as a type of strip---”

“---You know what the glass bottomed boat is don’t you??? And the filthy Sanchez?”

“Uh, hello? Yes! Yes I do, thanksverymuch.”

“You know that with the glass-bottomed boat they use cling wrap to…”

“YES! I know! Blegh. Shuddup!”

An idea dawns on her “Actually, maybe there’s something to that. Sex acts and erotic equipment that make me want to lock it up with a key.”

“I saw an ad for a Flash Light recently” He offers.

“A flash light?”

“A FLESH light”


“It’s a flash light, with a “female opening” where the light would be. You can choose your own orifice.”

“I don’t get it. Are there handles on the side?’ (She sidesteps the question as to how this device made its way into his purview).

“No. It’s shaped just like a flash light”

“Well. Think about it. That doesn’t seem to be very ergonomically savvy. What a pain in the ass… (Heh).”

She opts to share something. “When we were in Kentucky, HBM and I went into a Sex Shop. For a giggle. It was right by the hotel. There was a lot of stuff like that. Repellent, yet fascinating. I mean I get the vibrators and stuff, obviously, but the female parts…. There was one doll-thing with three erotic openings for your pleasure…”

“Yep” He says. “All three.

“It makes you wonder about all the effort involved, you know?”

She goes on. “A bit like when you need to chop up and blend a bunch of vegetables for a nice spot of soup. You think to yourself ‘Do I get out the Cuisinart? I mean, am I really going to bother with all this equipment I have to clean up, or…”

“Or shall I just do it by hand and save on the mess?” He completes her sentence for her…

It’s moments like this… When they become one.

[CUE MUSIC: “Ooooooh. I Love to Love you Baby. OOOOOOOOH I Love to Love you Baby…”.]

[and fade….]



Blogger Kyla said...


11:18 PM  
Blogger Julie Marsh said...

Oh man. Here I thought you were going to lean over and well...you know...

At one of those sex toy parties, they had an item intended to facilitate masturbation for men. Completely puzzling. As if they'd go to the trouble to gather up all their accoutrements and put them to use, rather than just do it by hand.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

you can't see it, but i'm giving a standing ovation to this performance. :)

2:43 AM  
Blogger S said...

I see the journey over to HBM's wasn't too tiring.

Cuz you're in fine form here, joy!

(Still laughing.)

7:40 AM  
Blogger Bon said...

you and hubby are clearly an erotic and romantic pair sans pareil. ;)

nice work. i'm giggling. still trying to wrap my poor mind around the glass bottom boat...but giggling.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Baaaaahaaaaa! You're clearly soul mates.

I hate to sound sexually ignorant, but I have no idea what a glass bottom boat is & I'm afraid to google that term! I can't imagine that saran wrap is ever a comfortable accessory.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

You have, in a few quick paragraphs transported me back to a late night in the production office at the Williamstown Theatre Festival. I have worked tirelessly to destroy the memory: flaming cheeks, burning eyes and a weak stomach as the entire room took it upon themselves to explain to me just what tossing the salad was after they wickedly realized I was such an innocent.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

OMG! I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard. Can't catch my breath. Ha!

9:44 AM  
Blogger Raquita said...

so classic - when ever you can combine my love for sex and kitchen gadgets seemlessly - its a perfect post!

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Applauding. You and your hubs really know how to talk dirty.


But I'm afraid I don't know what a filthy sanchez or a glass bottomed boat is. Apparently I have some learning to do.

And here I thought I was the dirty mommy blogger.

1:02 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm still wondering 'bout the flesh light... thanks for making me laugh in the AM :)

1:04 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Cracking. Me. Up. Applause to you for fulfilling your assignment so well!

1:14 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Damn you for being an impossible act to follow tomorrow! I'm laughing so hard here Joy, this is brilliant.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Jeni said...

It's sexy because I hear your accent in my head.

3:40 PM  
Blogger moplans said...

Ah true love.

3:59 PM  
Blogger ms blue said...

I will giggle every time I pull out the Cuisinart. You have to admit it is sometimes faster to finish the job with the appliance and I always want to get to the reward of sitting down with a piping hot bowl of soup.

4:24 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

You climaxed together! Great job! And, I will also think of this every time I sigh over needing to use the Cuisinart.

5:19 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

aw...he knows you all to well.

Those devices always make me feel a bit uncomfortable, in a David Cronenberg type of way....

6:04 PM  
Blogger Mamalang said...

Oh my, this definitely sounds like a conversation my DH and I would have.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

This sounds like it could have been our car...and I have no idea about several of those positions!

Saran wrap?!

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aw, you are one. One hella funny chick. Some things it is better not to know. Not the meaning of burlesque though. But glass bottom boat, maybe. I'm assuming that and not trying to find out. Usually curiosity gets the better of me but I have a feeling I can resist.

12:06 AM  
Blogger TSM Oregon said...

I always love when I find something interesting enough to Google with the Mr.

I think he'll like the results.

Love it!

2:27 AM  
Blogger moodswingingmommy said...

You are too much! And just when I think I'm a terribly savvy with the toys and whatnot, along comes something I haven't heard of.

Just can't see the saran wrap happening 'round here.

7:50 AM  
Blogger josetteplank.com said...


(I will never eat vegetable soup again.)

What is a Filthy Sanchez?

Nevermind...I don't want to know.

You are a flippin' riot, lol.

12:38 AM  

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