Her Bad Mother

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Getting Down To Business

Why I have to have this baby this weekend, or else:

1) Because if I have to go through another full day or night of 'false' but nonetheless really f*cking painful labor contractions, I may be compelled to shoot myself in the head, or dope myself to sleep with vodka, and neither of those things would be good for the baby, would they?

2) Because my current daily ratio of sleeping to not-sleeping, given the above, in hours as measured on a 24-hour clock - 2:24.

3) Because once tonight's episode of Lost is over, I'll only have 6 days and 23 hours in which to get this baby out and sorted so that I'm back on schedule to watch the next episode, next week.

4) Because it's my birthday next week, and a) I'd prefer that this child be born at least a few days before or after my own birthday, and I'm not waiting until next weekend (see #'s 1 - 3 above), and b) I'd very much like to have a vodka martini on that day, and not one that is cut with castor oil.

5) Because, have you seen me lately? I am the size of a small dirigible. And if this baby was pushing 8lbs over two weeks ago - even allowing for margins for error - I do not even want to contemplate how big he will be next week.

6) Because I'm ready. We're ready. It's time.

So, having exhausted all other options except Eggplant Parmesan (cooked eggplant being a couple of notches below castor oil on my personal list of stomachable foodstuffs and beverages), I'm pretty certain that I will be quaffing some castor oil within 24 hours of the closing credits scrolling onscreen for tonight's episode of Lost. I am well aware that many of you will regard this as reckless, reckless behaviour, but still: am at wit's end. Must act. Gastrointestinal discomfort, even in the extreme, is, at this point, among the very least of the physical evils that I face, including but not restricted to intermittent but ongoing painful labor and the many-days long stretch of no sleep caused by that labor. Diarrhea? MEH.

Am forging ahead. Hopefully, the next time you hear from me will be from the other side. Otherwise, expect more bitching.

PS -I refuse to confirm or deny any of the name guesses made on my last post, but I will say this: you will know. It may be a one-time only deal, but I will share the name with you. After I share it with him.

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Blogger Will & Kate said...


Good luck with the oil, can't be worse than what you've got now... right?

Wishing you a speedy, safe, and easy labor (that starts immediately after Lost).


7:57 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Chase it with a jalapeno. :}

Good luck.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Love that you are hoping the babe will not be born during LOST. That did not work out so well for us.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

Go with Black and Blue cohosh instead of Castor oil. Easier on the digestive tract FOR SURE. And just about as effective.

8:22 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

The good news is that with all this "pre" labor (I know, HAH!), it's pretty likely that the "real" deal could be quite short. That's something anyway. Many people swear by Thai food, which certainly tastes better than castor oil, so perhaps add that to your repertoire for the weekend. Also long walks. I send all the karma I've got for a speedy delivery SOON.

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck! Let's get this thing going already!

8:33 PM  
Blogger Tania said...

I can hook you up with some PVR'd Lost episodes if your child really won't cooperate. I completely get your motivation on that one though.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Yeah, I didn't plan my c-section too well since it's next thursday. Eh, maybe I can watch it from my hospital bed. Could happen.

8:45 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

I will be without much internet access this weekend. When I log on, I'm expecting baby news. Got it?

Sex, spicy food, castor oil, getting down on all fours and braying at the moon - all good options.

8:46 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

try moving furniture - that's how my mom got me out. of course, i was three weeks late, so she was REALLY sick and tired of being pregnant. :-P

8:49 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Regarding #3: We watched my favorite show (Dancing with the Stars) in the Labor & Delivery ward last month. The micro dude was kind enough to wait until the show was over before he was properly positioned for me to push.

Sprout - it's time to come out and play!

9:03 PM  
Blogger Meagan said...

I think you should just go beat the crap out of the intern or resident who made you feel like an idiot for going into the hospital last week. That's bound to make you feel better. Is Caster Oil supposed to induce labor?

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:11 PM  
Blogger Ms. Huis Herself said...

Friends of ours swear by the "what put 'em in there is what'll get 'em out" method. Not that you're probably feeling very sexy at the moment, but it may be better than castor oil.

I don't have any advice of my own 'cuz mine each came two weeks early... even when I was hoping for the first one to hold off a few more days so I could meet my maternity leave substitute teacher!

Best of luck!

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my dear dear Catherine. I know how you feel.
I am 5 days, 2 hours and 16 minutes from my due date and (as you can tell) counting down.

I was stretched on Monday, had jalapeƱos and banana peppers on Tuesday - still nothing but itcky crampiness and I'm just miserable. I've been trying to convince Hubs to Do The Deed, but he's not having any of that.

My birthday's tomorrow, so I'll wish that our babies comes early and if I haven't had mine by your birthday - will you use your wish for me!? PLEEEEEASE!!

9:47 PM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

Take it easy...

13 days, 23 hours. Next week is a 2h Grey's Finale. Next Lost (after this one) is in 2 weeks.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Delurking with good news.

The next Lost episode, after tonight, isn't airing until May 29th.

So you'll be holding your son for sure the next time you see Sawyer's face.

10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My second was 3 weeks overdue, and I had "false labor" for over two months. What finally got her out? The car broke down and we didn't have a way to get to the hospital. So of course I woke up at 2:00 a.m. with contractions 2 minutes apart.

The good part was that with all the false labor, I had her in 2 hours and she was 8 lb. 1 oz.

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best of luck Catherine. Sprout will be here before you know it! Until then, wishing you lots of comfy resting. ::hugs::

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend, who was determined to GET BABY OUT NOW (8 days before due, but READY), researched ways to make it happen and tried the following, all in one day:
-Incredibly spicy Thai food for lunch
-Very long walk
-Foot reflexology massage
-More walking
-Very spicy Mex food for dinner
-More walking
She went into labor that night.

Re: foot reflexology--there is a pressure point on feet that stimulates contractions. You can research it online.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

I hope it starts easily and goes quickly - best of luck, Catherine!

10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm laying out all the goods here now #1 Evening primrose oil 1000mg per day softens the cervix helps even false labor contractions to do some good.(seamen will do this too but it doesn't come in capsule form from the drug store and it has to go in the place you only want things to be coming out of right now)
#2 breast pump if your not into trying "the nasty" grab your trusty old breast pump and the nipple stimulation can really bring on labor fast so be ready! can do manually but I think it takes longer.
careful of the cohosh unless you are using it in homeopathy form.

10:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nachos. With the jalapenos.

2 glasses chardonnay.

Worked for me :-)

11:32 PM  
Blogger Maman said...

WTF How many Gretchen followers do you have? Freaky.

Well I would suggest having sex again at least for no other reason the HBF has not hope for another 8+ weeks but WHATEVER!

Get some freaking sleep anyway

11:35 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

sciFi dad, gretchen - THANK YOU. 2 weeks to next lost? AWESOME NEWS.

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BREAST PUMP! Seriously. Do you have one? Beg and borrow one! Get some gelsemium from the health food store, get on the pump, and you're likely to go into labor pretty quickly. It only took me 20 minutes and then I had a nice easy labor and a baby within 5 hours. DO IT!

1:37 AM  
Blogger Commenter Abbi said...

I'm a week overdue with number three, also suffering through really intense false labor for about 3 weeks now. I've never had this before with the other two and it's driving me crazy as well. Just wanted you to know that I REALLY do feel your pain, and it's not fun at all. (I've tried accupuncture twice and I've even offered to nurse my friends newborn because I already have colostrum). The worst- all my friends who were due with me have given birth! Nothing depresses you more then hearing about other births when you just want to get the baby out. I might have to punch the next person who announces to me and I can't be held responsible.

Here's hoping for a swift easy delivery for both of us


3:09 AM  
Blogger the dragonfly said...

My mom still likes to remind me that she missed Starskey and Hutch to deliver me. :)

Here's hoping Sprout comes soon!

4:53 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

I'm sure you already know the science/biology/whatever behind using sex as a stimulus for labor, which is that semen contains a small amount of pitocin, the chemical that gets labor going. So hey! Can't hurt to give it a try, right?
I saw the title of your post and thought it was going to be a "We're going to the hospital" post. I'm looking forward to learning his name!

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You poor thing. If I had voodoo powers (or whatever) I would will that baby out of you RIGHT NOW. Alas, I can merely keep my fingers crossed that he will get out of there ASAP.

Thinking of you!

8:22 AM  
Blogger the Lerro family said...

I think this is the first time I've commented, but your interminable wait for the arrival of your little guy has made me want to delurk. I've been checking every day and wringing my hands right along with the rest of the readers, and waiting with happy anticipation for the news. I just know that after you've waited this long, and with such discomfort, you will certainly have a short delivery. I hope you get to meet him soon!!
Oh, and, I just have to say...if the name really is Jasper...I love that name. Just love it.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, the shame of admitting this- I come from a family of rednecks. My mother was 3 weeks overdue with me, in July, in Alabama humidity.

On the 4th of July, my dad took her mud riding. Seriously.

I was born the 5th.

I have no experiences of my own- my baby was born by induction because they thought she wasn't growing well. She was 8pounds and 10 ounces.

I will be sending all the labor wishes I can your way. ((((using the force)))))

8:52 AM  
Blogger Amy Ruth Webb said...

My baby was late, late, late. Spent a whole day hanging out with my midwife and drinking nasty cocktails of black and blue cohosh tinctures and orange juice--nothing. (And tinctures are made from pure grain alcohol, so may as well have had a vodka tonic and at least enjoyed the day.) Only thing that got him out was castor oil and I so wish I'd just gone ahead and taken it a week earlier. Sure, there's some intenstial distress, but it's almost indistinguishable from the rest of labor. Plus, no poop left by the time the baby comes out! Good luck!

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be warned that castor oil just dries you out, which can create contractions (and necessarily ones that will do anything). Just ones like you are having now that hurt & really getting you anywhere.

I vote for nipple stimulation.

Or have your ob strip your membranes & soften your cervix. Or has this been done? Have you & your ob seriously considered induction yet?

Best of luck! I keep checking back everyday waiting on the news. I am also due with #2 near my birthday and have NO plans to make this kid share my birthday.

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The person who commented on the sperm with pitocin was right. Time to get down and dirty. Then go for a long walk. Then eat some spicy food. Then jump up and down. Then chug some castor oil. Then say your prayers for a swift and easy delivery...you get the idea. Try the safest means of getting the little squirt out and make sure you're having fun doing it!! I expect a baby by tomorrow morning... :-)

10:53 AM  
Blogger Des said...

I tried the castor oil thing, didn't work for me. But I was just 1 cm dilated. I freakin' cramped (and shit) like there was none other, so maybe all that cramping would have done something if I was progressed a little further.
Good luck and grab some hemorroid cream! :)

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crossing my finger that you have that baby soon!

11:09 AM  
Blogger Crohn's is my bitch said...

I induced my first labor by seeing an acupuncturist. I had not had a single even braxton hicks contraction before that point, and she did all the uterus points and I went into labor in her office. It was a difficult labor, and that might have been because my body wasn't quite ready, but from what I hear it was a damn sight easier than being on pitocin. And oh, SO much nicer than castor oil!

I came out of her office calm and relaxed and the contractions just got more regular over the course of the night.

Good luck!

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My son was born on my birthday and not only was it my best gift ever, it is a little known fact that if your child is born or your birthday, yours stop and they take over. ;) I'm 32 forever! I hope things go well for you.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

I did the castor oil thing. AND the black and blue cohosh thing. AND I did them together. AND...it didn't work.
If you want to try the castor oil, I suggest it in a root beer float. Mine really didn't taste as horrible as I was thinking it would, and the gastrointestinal stuff wasn't as bad either. Though, the results weren't as good--baby didnt' come for another week.
Ooh, just read the acupuncture thing, and though I didn't try it, I know someone who did and went into labor that day. Next time? I'm so forgoing the castor oil and will try acupuncture.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

Also, the sex thing? DOES NOT WORK. At least for my daughter. We had sex EVERY. DAY. I walked MILES every day. I ate spicy. I ate pineapple, we massaged my feet in the contraction places. I GAVE BLOWJOBS. Again, repeat. Does. not. work. Was invented by man to get some nookie before wife had baby. For reals.
C'mon out, Sprout.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Okay, my words of wisdom are skip the castor oil and get on with the n!pple stim. Seriously, that's the way to go.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

I'll forgo the advice and just say I hope you're popping out Sprout right now. Surely someone would Tivo Lost for you right?

And after all this real false labor, surely you're actual labor will go fast and easy for you.

Can't wait to hear about it!

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending you peaceful thoughts - whatever little I have left after dealing with kids and the creeping crud that has invaded my body, I mean - good luck!

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending you peaceful thoughts - whatever little I have left after dealing with kids and the creeping crud that has invaded my body, I mean - good luck!

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It might just be that vodka martini that baby is waiting for.

I say celebrate the b-day early.

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My acupuncturist said the same thing, she can easily induce labor.

But for your hubby's sake, maybe you can give the sex / blowjob thing ONE more try?


2:34 PM  
Blogger Sarahviz said...

I wonder if the castor oil would taste any better if you put it in a margarita glass rimmed with salt?

2:41 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Just saw Trace's tweet and am wishing you much love right now delivering Bob. (Which I totally know is his name.)

Be well! Let's get this little Taurus out!

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Push baby, push...Our 3rd child, my second son also didn't want to come out. Now sometimes I wish he is back inside his mother...LOL

Hang in there!

3:24 PM  
Blogger Karla Zamora, Digital Analyst said...

C, here is to hoping that your wish comes true and you are in labour right NOW. Wishing you all the best to you and your family:)

4:09 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Raspberry leaf tea?


Walking up stairs sideways?

Cleaning the floor on all four?

Well, these are just things the midwives at this end have been known to suggest... I hope he makes his entrance very soon for you.

4:28 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

You might want the 'sweep and tug' the midwives gave me to start it all up.

sex? haha. I know. forget it. um. letting Wondergirl jump up and down on you?

6:01 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hang in there, you are doing great and it will all be worth it. If you need something to preoccupy your mind, make you laugh and offer some really good advice on how to live a more balanced life...check out the novel " The Book of Mom" by Taylor Wilshire. Two of my mommie-friends gave me their copy. It is a novel about the struggles of motherhood and living an authentic life. A little self-helpie and a little New Ageie but a funny--goodie.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

Oh my God. I keep checking in and checking in, et cet. I'm sending all of my Quick and Easy Delivery vibes your way right now!

6:49 PM  
Blogger CaraBee said...

I was ginormous with our daughter and very anxious to deliver, so I totally feel your pain. I tried just about everything to no avail, except sex, because EWWW for many reasons. Best of luck!

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the horrible "stretch and sweep" that I dreaded (and rightfully so, I might add), was the thing that put my labour over from "false" to the "real thing" in about 12 hours. It was painful and involved some crying on my part, but in the end it was what got things going.

7:49 PM  
Blogger Karen MEG said...

Good luck with and hope this is the weekend!

For me, well a couple of long walks and wrapping presents, that's what did it for me.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Woman in a Window said...

Funny, I haven't checked in for a few days 'cause I thought my stupid google account would prompt me with new posts (lying sack a ') and then I thought, Oh, she musta had the baby.......

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Both mine were about a week late and both over 9 pounds....

Your bahchina can handle it...

You can handle it...

Hang on....

Sorry you are so uncomfortable..

11:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks to the owner of this blog. Ive enjoyed reading this topic.

7:41 AM  

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