Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Pickle Me This

In my inbox this morning:

The Vlasic Stork Is Calling All May Babies! One May-Born Baby Will Win Big With Vlasic Pickles! May Is National Pickle Month!

In celebration of National Pickle Month, Vlasic® Pickles is in search of a lucky May-born baby who meets the company’s criteria to become the official Vlasic® Stork Baby of 2008. The winning baby and family will win a $20,000 US Savings Bond, be officially named Vlasic® Stork Baby and receive a year’s supply of Vlasic Pickles. Entrants simply e-mail a photo of the new baby, and a statement of 50-100 words on “Why My Baby Should Be the Vlasic® Stork Baby"

To sweeten the pickle even more, Vlasic® is offering the family an extra treat! If the parents of the Vlasic® Stork Baby want to show their love and dedication to Vlasic® Pickles by making his or her middle name, “Crunch,” the savings bond value will be increased to $25,000

That's right. All I have to do is give my second-born child the middle name CRUNCH, and I could be eligible to maybe win a whole $5000, on top of a year's supply of pickles, maybe.

Which, OMG, would totally be, like, the best thing that had ever happened to me, EVER, for seriously.

So let's see... fifty to a hundred words... (taps side of keyboard thoughtfully)...


"Why My Baby Should Be The Vlasic® Stork Pickle Baby"

By Her Bad Mother

My baby - he's not born yet, but we're expecting him to arrive sometime during Pickle Month - should be The Vlasic® Stork Baby because I like pickles and also because I'm pretty sure that he will look like a pickle. Have you ever seen a newborn baby? They are wrinkly, just as if they'd been cured in vinegar, which they haven't, but you know what I mean. Those amniotic fluids do something weird to babies, so that they look like wrinkled little pickles when they come out of your parts, which bothers some people, but not me! I like pickles! Especially the ones that still have dill stuck to them. I'm hoping that my baby will have dark hair when he comes out so that he'll look just like a little dill-splattered pickle. (NOTE: I am willing to take pictures of his newborn pickly self, and send them to you for the purposes of press and whatever media outreach you have planned. If you could also supply me with some green food dye, I could make sure that he's extra pickly. I will also make sure that the Vlasic® Stork trademark is prominently visible, perhaps on his forehead? Or wherever you like.)

And I will certainly give him the middle name CRUNCH. It was already on our short-list, anyway. We'll have to rethink the first name - my husband was pulling for CAP'N, because there were some other branding opportunities there - but that won't be a problem because Quaker Oats only provides a six-month supply of product and my husband doesn't approve of sugary cereals for the kids anyway.

Please pickle pick my baby! It would be a dream come true!

Now, we wait! In the meantime, um... BOYCOTT VLASIC PICKLES. They want to pickle ur babeez.


Blogger Julie Marsh said...

Dammit! Oliver, why were you born three months too early for this fabulous opportunity? So much for your college fund, mister.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know that they will receive thousands of entries, too. People are dense.

12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going with Vlasic. What do you think that will get me?

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got that one, too.

Was debating getting pregnant for it.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

What will they give you if you put branding on the birth announcement?

What are these companies thinking?

Leaves a sour after-taste for sure.

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please tell me you sent that in.

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should just start calling the baby "Crunch" right now. Make sure to put the little trademark (R) next to it, for extra kick.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Glennia - I can't call the baby CRUNCH. That word makes me hungry. What if I accidentally try to eat it?

12:33 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Plus, Vlasic sounds almost like Vlad, so you could just name him that... Bonus!

I was waiting for a line about how you like to be pickled, somewhere in there.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I...I...I'm at a loss for words.

12:36 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Kittenpie! That would be dirty! I wouldn't want to get disqualified (*clutched chest in horror*)

12:39 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

I got that, too. Wondered if they realized that my baby was born last May, not this one. But I see other non-preggos got this, too. And to think I missed out on giving Mira the middle name of Crunch.

And now I must go finish cleaning my laptop screen after reading "Please pickle my baby!" and spitting out my Diet Coke.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh my.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Savvy Auntie Melanie Notkin said...

If it's a boy and you circumcise him, is he a kosher pickle?

12:41 PM  
Blogger @Leslie said...

Can't. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bwah-ha-ha! The comment, "It was already on our short-list, anyway" just slayed me.

If he's a boy, you can expect that 'Crunch' will have to endure many, many "little gherkin" jokes, though. ;oP

12:43 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Savvy Auntie Melanie: I just snorted pickle juice EVERYWHERE.

12:47 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Any parent who would hang their child with the middle name of "Crunch" for an extra $5k in college fund deserves a child who drops out of high school, lives in the basement, and attempts to bring back Beat Poetry on Bongos as a careerfield.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That almost reads like a Lazlo Toth/Don Novello/Father Guido Sarducci letter. I mean, REALLY? Is Vlasic serious?

12:55 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Papoosie Girl asked recently about taking a bath in vinegar so she could be a pickle...I'm not even sure what I said now that I think about it.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Captain is like soooo done in Park Slope.

I'd go with first name Nestlé.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Table4Five said...

Possible first names for your Vlasic Stork Baby with the middle name CRUNCH:

Bread n Butter
Sandwich Stackers
Polish Dill
Garlic Dill

What, those weren't on your list already?

12:59 PM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

Wow it's...wow...

Name your kid Crunch and send an email about pickles to pregnant women.


I am trying to think which is worse: this or that car ad where a badger rips off the guy's face after they lock him in the car.

I'm thinking maybe this. I mean, after all, the car ad is FAKE, but a kid with the name Crunch is a LIFETIME of real.

Real whoppings in the schoolyard, for a start.

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


1:00 PM  
Blogger miranda said...

If only I was planning on having more children 8 months ago...

1:01 PM  
Blogger Shannon Nelson said...

I cannot believe someone at Vlasic really believes someone will give their kid the middle name of crunch--for the rest of their life--for $5000!

However, I do think it is possible that they will consider your entry as written on your blog legit (you may just be the only one after all).

And I dare you to take picture of said pickle baby when he is born. ;)

1:02 PM  
Blogger Merrycricket said...

What are they putting in those pickles and where can I get me some? HMMM More baby first names: Data, Tech, Tummy and Time. All work well with Crunch. I say go fer it!

1:03 PM  
Blogger Karen Bodkin said...

The sad part is that someone will actually do this. I'm sorry, is the word "blogger" synonymous with "whore?"


1:07 PM  
Blogger Kerri Anne said...

So, now I'm realizing I totally want to meet someone someday boasting "Crunch" as their middle name, because how much more complete would be life be?


1:16 PM  
Blogger Sorka said...

Ok that essay is definitely classic.. hehe Love it.. Man.. I'd use the middle name crunch.. no problem.. you can' always change it later...

1:18 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

We'll have to rethink the first name - my husband was pulling for CAP'N, because there were some other branding opportunities there...

I am laughing so hard I am in TEARS. Oh, the funny!

1:43 PM  
Blogger caramama said...

You are hysterical.

I seriously can't believe that they are really doing this contest. That is crazy.

1:50 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

pickled bebehs has a flavor

1:51 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

"Crunch" is such a GREAT last name. It will go awesomely with my other three kids, whose middle names are "Crackle", "Crispy" and "Anne."

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have lured me out of lurkdome. Seriously woman. I am sitting in a coffeeshop, with tears running down my face and a sheepish look on my face as the other calm-coffee-drinking-folk look at me wondering if I've lost my mind. Holay crap. Kudos on this blog. Seeeeerious kudos.

2:04 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

i got the same one! all i could think was, shit, am i pregnant again? vlassholes, indeed.

2:45 PM  
Blogger Occidental Girl said...

I was drinking coffee as I read this, and it smelled of pickles! The power of suggestion is strong.

Possibly, the middle name of Crunch would go well with a first name of Cap'n? But it could be that it's just me.

3:09 PM  
Blogger GoMommy said...

OMG-too damn funny!

3:35 PM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

Rofl! I think the name Crunch is a great middle name, if you want your kid to be a junk yard worker.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

No WAY. Just...no WAY. I really hope you send that in.

I may have to discuss this tomorrow - this is just too good.


4:21 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

I would love to send in my submission, but? The irony of the whole thing? I AM NOT ELIGIBLE.

As a Canadian, I cannot bear the offspring that will become the Pickle Baby, because that shit needs to be All-American, yo. So I would be naming my baby CRUNCH for nothing.

4:29 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

The post is funny...but the comments up the game.

Kittenpie's takes the cake...or the pickle. Whatev.

4:42 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

F**K I didn't read the rules. I just had Bumper's name legally changed to Cruncher - this means I don't get the prize, right?

Damn, I hope she's not too upset about the bar code I just had tattooed on her forehead.

Vlassholes indeed.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Not Your Regular Mini Van Mom said...

LOL the first thing I thought was, gee you should give him the first name of Captain LOL, great minds think alike!

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so I forgot to mention that my college roommate used to all her boyfriend's dick MR. PICKLE.

God, they would have jumped all over this contest.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I will try for twins; then I could name the other precious darling "Munch," thereby doubling the branding and snack food possibilities. (I know what you're thinking about Munch and I'm telling you, just don't go there. There are pickles on the line, after all.)

7:04 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

It is odd, but perhaps not unexpected, that I made a similar pickle connection as Kristen did in her most recent comment.

I am still stunned at the stupidity of this.

7:15 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

It is odd, but perhaps not unexpected, that I made a similar pickle connection as Kristen did in her most recent comment.

I am still stunned at the stupidity of this.

7:15 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

If you want to get all movie-star about it, there are lots of excellent first-name possibilities, including Traffic, Crispy, Magnificent, and Knuckle.

My sister, when she was pregnant, referred to the child by the excellent name Bubba Gazebo, which had a fine ring to it. Sadly, it turned out to be a girl so the name was utterly inappropriate. But I'm sure if this contest had been around then, she would have gone with Magnificent Crunch, which really does sound almost regal. Or like an NBA/movie/NFL star or hippie. See, so versatile. Those Vlassic folks are really thinking!

7:28 PM  
Blogger the new girl said...

I am laughing so hard from the post AND the comments.
Vlassholes?! Priceless.

I got the same email and my entry looked like this:

My baby should be the Vlasic Stork baby because, um, she's SOUR.


7:41 PM  
Blogger moplans said...

LMAO. This is too good to be true.

I really hope you win.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

LMAO. This was great!

8:50 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Too rich!

Right before I clicked on over here I actually gave my daughter a Vlasic pickle. She's been doing a number on it for about 15 minutes now.

I'll give you $10 to name your baby "Hormel". I like chili better than pickles.

8:51 PM  
Blogger KG said...

I like it, but you should edit it to add "We WERE going to call Baby #2 'Crunch' after Nestle Crunch bars, but hell, we'll take pickles, too."

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure your submission would win. How could they turn own a green wrinkly baby as the winner?

3:15 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I'm sure that there are many parents who had already intended to name their children "Crunch" and this is just a good way to take advantage of that highly marketable name.

3:31 AM  
Blogger Sass said...

I've known people to name their children after their favourite alcohol - Bailey and Morgan - and after Star Trek characters - Chicote (or however it's spelt). And they didn't get paid for their trouble.

PLENTY of people will do this.

3:41 AM  
Blogger MamaMo said...

You need to watch "Idiocracy" like RIGHT NOW!!! Oh my gosh!

9:50 AM  
Blogger MamaMo said...

Here's a sneak peek at the brilliance and terror:

9:55 AM  
Blogger bel seslaf said...

Unbelievable. I'm gobsmacked. Have they no dignity?

9:59 AM  
Blogger MamaMo said...

OOPS!! Watch this trailer first:

10:06 AM  
Blogger MamaMo said...

Sorry to flood the comments, but this stuff is TOO good to pass up. Here's a peak at the crass commercialism that lies ahead (maybe?!):

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my gosh HBM that is so freakin hilarious! are they serious? i hope someone doesn't rip off your brilliant entry and send it in...hahaha MMM PICKLES LAVANDULA

11:13 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

LOL... the images in my mind as I read your post and scanned the comments. Somehow, someway, it will get out of my head... probably not for a few days. CAP'N CRUNCH Ha ha ha! You must send this in...

11:15 AM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

By the way we always meant to name a child Commodore and then me forgot. All yours.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Woman in a Window said...

So very clever! Fun...but I gotta go, my mouth is watering.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

"Pickles" would be a much cuter middle name than "Crunch" -- that's the name of gym in CA, too. Ick.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the absolute wittiness of this post! finally delurking, and am SOOO happy the pregnancy is going well!

4:42 PM  
Blogger Run ANC said...

You crack me up!

Crunch...for real???

3:38 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Mo-Wo, dude: I am so taking Commodore.

9:19 AM  
Blogger chicken said...

You could always go with "Peanut Butter" for the first name...you have some extensive options there...you know, if the whole pickle thing doesn't end up panning out for you.

You know, in 20 years, when your daughter/son brings home the love of their life...and the middle name is PICKLE...you'll get a huge laugh out of that one!

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a friend named Dill. You could pretend he is your baby daddy in keeping with the pickle theme. It would assure you the win.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh my. Laughing so hard. Crunch as a middle name? Your letter is awesome. I hope you win.

11:13 PM  

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