Her Bad Mother

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Requiem For A Boob

When I was a kid, my mom used to joke about her boobs. "They're tube socks!" she'd hoot. "I have to roll them up to get them in my bra."

I would cringe and recoil. "Mom," I'd hiss. "You're embarrassing me."

"Why are you so red, honey?"

"Because you're embarrassing me."

"I'm just talking about tube socks."

"You're talking about your boobs."

"Sweetie, my boobs are tube socks because I bore and birthed you and your sister, so if hearing about it embarrasses you, well, tough."

Then she'd cross her eyes and stick out her tongue at me. I'd run to my room at that point and discreetly peer down the front of my shirt and wonder whether I'd ever have any kind boobs, let alone the tube sock kind. Although I'd have preferred not the tube sock kind, at that point in my adolescence I'd have been happy with just about anything.

Ah, the deluded innocence of youth.

I grew boobs, eventually. They were never all that impressive - I was always skinny, with the type of cleavage that, in nature, attends skinny bodies - but they were there, and they were kind of cute. Perky. The kind of breasts that you never called tits or gazongas or hooters or even just boobs. You referred to them to them in the diminutive - boobies - or in the unsexed abstract - chest. So it was that when I got pregnant and, later, began lactating and those puppies grew - like, seriously, epically grew, like frightened puffer fish - I was both alarmed and thrilled. I had hooters. I had gazongas. I had BOOBS.

For a few uncomfortable but nonetheless thrilling years, I had a rack, and it was spectacular.

And now it's gone.

Gone, disappeared, deflated, defunct. It's as if, after watching me wean Jasper and my husband get his parts snipped, Nature herself gave my body the once-over and said well, you won't be needing those any more, will you? and unceremoniously removed them from my person.

They're gone now, and I miss them. I miss them, not only because they really were kind of epic - and what girl doesn't fantasize, occasionally, secretly, about what it would be like to have epic boobs? - but because Nature, in all of her douchey wisdom, did not restore my chest to its modest but nonetheless entirely presentable profile. Nature, being the stone-cold bitch-goddess that she is (the very same one who gave us menstrual cycles and the pain of childbirth and the indignity of random chin hairs), turned my boobs into tube socks. Just like my mother's.

Except smaller. Small tube socks. The tube socks of an adolescent boy with irregularly-sized feet. Because, yes, one is actually - oh, god - smaller than the other.

Which is why, when I found myself, yesterday, in the fitting room of the lingerie department, desperately trying to find a bra into which my breasts would not just disappear like a pathetic wad of crumpled tissue, I lasted all of three minutes before bursting into tears.

It's not that I want - what are the kids calling it these days? - a bangin' bod. I'd be happy with a bod that just pinged a little. I just want to not to not look in the mirror and cringe. Which I know goes against everything that I said a few months ago, but a few months ago I had boobs. Muffin-tops and extra ass-padding are one thing when you have the upper curves to balance everything out. They're quite another when your upper body looks like a deflated pool toy.

I'm straining to accept this new incarnation of me, to learn to love it as I've learned to love all the other incarnations. But I am finding, now, as summer approaches and I wrap my head and heart around the fact (is it fact? is it? I am still struggling with this) that I will have no more children, that I am still, in my way, vain, and that I want my beauty back. Maybe not the same beauty, the same body, the same sweet boobs of youth, but something, anything, that makes me swell with just a little bit of pride when I look in the mirror.

Or maybe just a tit-inflater. Anybody got one of those?

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97 Comments:

Blogger BeautifulWreck said...

If someone invents a tit-inflater I am willing to pay $$$ for it.

There is a boob job in my future for sure!

Thanks for the laughs this A.M.

11:25 AM  
Blogger tom the girl said...

go out and buy yourself an awesome water bra. ef trying to find something that fits what you have. i know how you feel, and while most would say "your bod is beautiful and served its purpose", i say go to hell. haha. seriously though. push up waterbra by wonderbra will make you smile again.

p.s. vanity is not always a bad thing. it makes me feel good on the inside when i look good on the outside. which is why i do my make-up when i am sick or feeling down ;-)

otherwise....au natural, baby!

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Jill said...

Just weaned my son as well and I'm rocking some porn star jugs right now. I mean, not that porn stars jugs really leak milk, but they are hefty. I am fully aware, though, that they are slowly deflating and I will soon be left with two fried eggs, flattened against my chest. Yes, I am vain. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I think I might need a boob job in the near future. I so relate.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I too have tube socks. I will say one phrase to you "Molded cup underwire bras" i can't get those ones in which the only thing separating your girls from the outside world is a thin fabric. I have to have shape and molding. It takes a bunch of trial and error but I have found the perfect bras for me, and Playtex (those bastards) don't make it anymore. But if you find one you like and make your girls perk & sing buy as many as your budget will allow.

Many hugs my friend. xoxo

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Twenty Four At Heart said...

I was a size D in 6th grade and a DD as an adult. I nursed 3 babies ... and I'm now consulting with plastic surgeons for a breast reduction. All I think about lately is boobs, boobs, boobs! All my life I've wanted to go braless ... or for that matter, to have a man talk to my face instead of my boobs. Sigh ...

11:33 AM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

First of all, you are making a mountain out of some tube socks.

Heh.

Your rack? Tis lovely. I'd fondle those beaver tails anytime. And I just saw them days ago so I know of which I speak.

However, short of a good bra or a chest inflation surgery, you could always go the route I did and get some boobie bling inserted.

Sure it won't make them bigger, or less tube sock shaped, but it will provide hours of distraction and entertainment for you and the mister.

He'll be so dazzled by the glints of hoopy wonder that he won't even notice that the nipples are hanging by your belly button.

Plus, you can string them up with fish wire and voila! Instead perkiness.

*taps noggin*

Oh ya. I'm always thinking baby.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Dear Mazzy said...

I know how you feel. I just wrapped up nursing my second (last) child last month & a couple of mornings ago my husband asked me what the horrible look on my face was for, and I told him that I was pretty sure I just FOLDED my boobs up to put them in my bra. A bra which is still a G cup. So I'm with 24 at Heart in the whole breast reduction consideration.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my mother recently confessed to my sister and i that she had implants put in after my sister was born. no one knew--except my dad and my mom's best friend. (and twenty-something years later my sister and i are the only new keepers of this secret...)

she said she didn't want us to know as children because she didn't want us to grow up thinking that breasts and their size, shape, etc were important or something to be idolized. the implants are totally average looking, a B cup, and she's not the type of woman you'd expect to have had cosmetic surgery. (though i suppose i should have caught on as she aged and things stayed the same perky shape)

however, now that i know that perky boobs post-birth are not a naturally inherited trait... i feel rather, well, overwhelmed, slightly deceived--like something that was silently promised to me has now been taken away. and at the same time, i totally understand why my mom did what she did, and i wonder if, when i have kids, i would do the same...

(sorry to go off-topic, but this secret-keeping business is hard and this post made me understand more of my mom's motivations...)

11:39 AM  
Blogger Kellee said...

As someone who has had "epic boobs" my entire life, t's not all it is cracked up to be. I was a B cup in 2nd grade, and it just became increasingly ridiculous from there. I know that "your body fulfilling it's purpose" is not necessarily reassuring, but it could be worse. I'm 28 now, have not had any children, and already time has not been kind to the epic boobs, and I don't have any children to show for it! LOL I know it is hard to watch your body change. I agree with the molded cup bras comment, they work well for me, if I can find them in the right cup size. They shape well, though. If only they all weren't so expensive!

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Rebecca @ Playground Confidential said...

So I've just decided that I'm never going to wean L'il I. Nope. I'll just hang on to the milk jugs, thank you very much.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Oh great, so you can be a tyrant and have a great rack, too? That's not really fair to the rest of us, is it? :-)

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

I'm not at that stage of my life yet, so I can't completely relate, but I CAN relate to Anonymous above. I, too, know someone who had implants post-babies and when I found out, I felt a little...horrified? deceived? offended?

As time passes, I understand her motivations more and more, and I think it's imperative that women like you and like her speak out and explain the emotions attached to the post-babies boobs. Because honestly, it makes women like me understand a little more. And there's never any shortage of understanding in this world.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

I'm with you -- I'm back to my AA cup size and I miss my nursing boobs. I think I actually got up to a D cup at one point. CRAZY.

I recommend Calvin Klein brand for small-size chests. I recently splurged on one of their bras and they shape and enhance...yet are totally comfortable! It's a modern miracle.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I am in the process of weaning right now and holy crap, what I wouldn't give to have my pre-baby breasts back. A nice size and perky!

The other night I was complaining to my husband about it. I said how I never thought I would be one for plastic surgery but now, if we had enough disposable income after someday child 2, I would totally have a boob lift. He looked at me like I was insane but it really is annoying trying to stuff the saggy things into a bra. My right side is also smaller than my left so the right side swims and the left side overflows. It sucks. I feel for you. I hate bra shopping now.

11:54 AM  
Blogger TeacherMommy said...

Oh, I'm with you girl, I'm with you. The glory that was my rack during those pregnancy/breastfeeding/pregnancy/breastfeeding 2.5 years...

What's really sad is the collection of beautiful bras that no longer work.

Though I was amazed to find out, when I went to a proper bra shop (not just a department store) that I've had size C boobs all along--so I most likely was a D or DD during those years! I just wasn't wearing them correctly, and the number was a size too large. Tip: not only do you need to roll up the tube sock boobs, you need to grasp the band of the bra right at the side, under your pit, and heave all the mammary tissue hangin' out uselessly over there into the center. You still need some good cups for support, but voila! Something to look at!

(Of course, you, your doctor, and your hubby will always know what happens when all that support goes away...)

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Annie @ PhD in Parenting said...

I love love love lululemon tank tops. I hate wearing bras. These tanks are flattering and do the trick.

12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just weaned my second and the combined two years of nursing have taken a toll. A terrible toll. After I weaned my first, while less perky than my pre-baby almost B cup doesn't need a bra boobs, I ended up with fuller larger boobs, almost a C cup. Now? I almost fainted when I got a glimpse of what they have settled into. Smaller than before babies. And flat. And irregular. I am determined to accept them, but I am having a hard time with the increased width on my lower half met with a deflated top. Either both bigger or both smaller would be the kinder transition.

Wacoal makes great molded/padded bras. I just have to never take mine off anywhere there is a mirror. (T.J. Maxx has them.) But maybe I will give the jewelery a shot...

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Sarcastica said...

Heh! You make me giggle. I'm sure I'll face the same issue when I wean Nolan. But I think you can get inflatable padded bras?

12:08 PM  
Blogger ClumberKim said...

I had boob removed. On purpose. Over 2 pounds of it. Never regretted it for a second (and managed to breastfeed two babes afterwards too).

I only wish I could have shared the wealth. When I suggested to my surgeon that he figure out the whole boob transplant thing he said he was sure that would get him a very, very early retirement.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Molly C said...

I'm more than happy to share. I'm 20 and an F. these puppies are NOT gunna be pretty when I have kids. I feel like I should start saving up for my boob lift now.

I'd say go to a good bra place. I went to a place called Townshop (it's well known in NYC) They take one look at you and find something awesome.

Oh boobs.

12:11 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Ah, Sarcastica, sweetie: you are YOUNG. Yours will bounce back.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Neo-Geek Girl said...

I am a 34F right now... and every time I go on the pill again my girls grow bigger and and stay that way. I think the thing that scares me most about starting a family is WHAT IF THEY DON'T SHRINK AFTER? Clothes already don't fit... All the cute clothes are not made for me.

I think the grass is always greener... trade you lawns?

12:36 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Hi. Your ass-double here who assholishly never comments (but I read!).

I'm 42 and I find that I've developed deep empathy for those who cave to the temptation of cosmetic procedures. Boob jobs & Botox are things I'd never have considered when I was 32 and aging so gracefully.

At 42, as my skin shrivles, loosens from my bones, and begins to slide off my face (down toward those now flimsy boobies that nursed 3 babes), I haven't done it, but I can see why people do.

I can see it in the mirror every damn day.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Mine were a train wreck after I weaned my third baby. I was 35 at the time. Slowly, ever so slowly, they perked up. A little. I'm not so delusional that I would go braless -- those days are over. But now they are less tube sock, more balled up ankle socks.

The best thing I did for myself after weaning was go to a shop that specializes only in dainties and had a bra fitting. A woman measured me and then spent half an hour bringing me bra after bra until I found one that worked. Some of the bras were outrageously expensive (like $200+) but I managed to find one that was only $80. I still wear it all the time. And now that I know my actual size (I was wearing the wrong cup size) I can pick up reasonably-priced bras that fit properly from department stores.

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Trilby said...

I'm 24 and have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. I couldn't breastfeed for medical reasons. The boobs, they were a nice perky B cup before. Now they are saggy baggy elephant ears and settle into a C cup. Left bigger than right. HARRUMPH!

On the bright side, I'm getting a boob job. Nothing drastic or unbalanced looking. Just filling in skin, if you get my drift. ;)

1:08 PM  
Blogger ~Jennifer~ said...

While my boobs are still big-ish, they are deflating and not where I remember leaving them.

Next year we're deciding whether to have another baby or not. Once that decision is made, we start saving for my boob lift. Not sure, but may have to have them inflated as well. Either way, they have gotten way too close to my belly button.

1:27 PM  
Blogger No Mother Earth said...

Am thinking plastic surgery looks pretty good right now. Oh God. Did I just say that I want plastic boobs?

1:27 PM  
Blogger Kitschy Coo said...

I have 'epic' boobs and I hate them. I'm a 32G now, a 36J when pregnant / nursing. You can't imagine how ridiculous these puppies look on my 5'4" frame, it's a wonder I can stand upright. They also make me look fat, my husband actually said 'Wow, you're much thinner than I thought' the first time he saw me naked (yes, it is strange I still married him). And they require 24hr scaffolding. Swap you?

1:36 PM  
Blogger Badness Jones said...

Mother Nature let me keep some pretty nice boobs even after nursing 2 babies, but she gave the wrinkled puckered skin of an elephant's butt on my stomach. If my husband ever leaves me I don't know if I'd ever have the courage to undress in front of another man....my tummy looks flat and fine when it's safely contained in jeans, but once that zipper comes down....oi.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

Totally feel you. I just weaned my baby girl and geez, my boobs look so sad. I never had boobs to speak of but when I was preggers and nursing, man I loved my boobs. I was proud of them. Now? I hide them in a padded bra.

Kind of makes me want to get pregnant again just to have the boobs. heh heh

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Alyssa S. said...

I also have "epic" boobs & hate them. I wasn't able to nurse either of my kids for medical reasons, but I couldn't imagine what my boobs would have looked like if I had! I was a D-cup by 5th grade & a DDD-cup by 8th grade. When pregnant, I just wore sports bras & when my milk came in my boobs were the same size as my head...thank goodness for sage tea & B vitamins! My son turned 1 last month, we're done having kids, and I'm hoping to have a reduction around this time next year. I'd love to be able to wear a button-up shirt, bend-over a table w/food on it without sticking my chest in something...

1:58 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Have any of you checked out: Theshapeofamother.com?

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Amy K said...

I'm nursing my first child now, and my boobs went from a 34C to an epic 34G. Don't get me wrong, I love breastfeeding her, but a small part of me is looking forward to not resembling a ship's figurehead anymore. I guess they'll probably look like water balloons that have sprung a leak when all is said and done. Sigh.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Liz - yeah. And I'm usually ALL about celebrating my body for what it is, AND whole-heartedly support other women celebrating their bodies, BUT:

MAH BEWBS, THEYR TOOB SOX.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Alison @ Cluck and Tweet said...

My sister told me that I would some day be as popular as she was because I, too, would have large breasts like her and our mother. I'm still waiting. Both for the boobs and the popularity.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

Before kids, I had E.P.I.C. boobs. Like, I was 98 pounds with a D cup. They were awesome.

Now the bulk of my flat c cup boobs reside in my armpits. Armpit boobs are not hot.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Bad Mummy said...

I remember crying when going bra shopping at the lovely age of 11. The Girls had arrived.

The lingerie dept of your local bay or zellers is not a good idea. Neither is La Senza or the like. Get your butt to Sisters from your Sister, across from Honest Ed's, and have those fabulous women measure you and find you something good. I spent about $300 on bras every 18 months or so, but dammit, you wear one every day, right?

2:41 PM  
Blogger Joy said...

I've nursed three babies for a total of about 55 months, and now, 8 months post-nursing, the girls have shrunk back to something almost approaching normal. Epic DD rack while nursing - I loved it, especially after the AA wonders *snort* I sported before. But, tube sock would have described them perfectly for a time. Now, thanks to an evil exercise DVD of which I can only do for 9 minutes at a time, and these uneven push ups they make you do, the girls are starting to perk up again, to something more rounded and less tubish. I will keep working out (intermittently) to the evil DVD, just for that benefit alone...

2:48 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I third or fourth the suggestion to go to a place with proper fittings. You'd written about money being tight so get the fitting and then shop online once you know what works on you, what band/cup size you are.

I just finished nursing my 13-month-old. I started as a 34DD and finished as one too. But with a MUCH different shape. What was once somewhat perky now points downward. The nice teardrop shape I had before has been replaced by flat on top, heft underneath.

I treated myself to a trip for an, ahem, milestone birthday and got a fabulous bra fitting. Some molded cup bras later (in the $50-65 range), I look better. Not pre-baby, mind you, but better.

Honestly, if I had the moola and time, I'd get a breast lift. Just to put the nipples back to where they used to be.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Goldfish said...

Oh. First: I understand the feeling of wanting to accept your body, and still wishing you had someone else's. And it hurts. Second: my husband now refers to my boobs as empty pantyhose. Not sexy. Not even close.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Motherhood Uncensored said...

Lime and the coconut, right here, sister.

A moment of silence.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

I think I was in the dressing room next door. Crying too.

I know it's gotten bad when my daughter has changed the lyrics to "Do your ears hang low" to "do your boobs hang low."

Ugh.

4:23 PM  
Blogger badassdadblog said...

I can't empathize directly. My boob issues are quite different. But I've got some Jeff-Goldblum-As-Brundlefly ear hair here I'd love to see go away and never return. Where the hell did that come from?

4:32 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

I completely understand. Check out my recent post in which I come to grips with my sadly deflated cleavage.
http://girlinaboyhouse.blogspot.com/2009/05/episode-in-which-nicole-takes-her.html

4:40 PM  
Blogger Two Hands Full said...

I call mine the flappers. Except, rather than being able to commiserate, my 66 year old mother has a gorgeous, all-natural rack that belongs on a 24 year old woman.

Yeesh. No inflaters here, but call me if you find one.

5:05 PM  
Blogger petite gourmand said...

Let's not even talk about the pencil test.
you could an entire box of Crayola's under my toob sox and it would probably stay put...

oh the things they don't tell you BEFORE having children.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Underwire.

That is all.

5:22 PM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

One word: Wonderbra.

5:33 PM  
Blogger GingerB said...

What?!? You guys are excited to give up your stained and dirty Medela nursing bras?? Doesn't everyone love the the gray nursing bra? Why, I love mine so much I never remember to change it even before a doctor visit. Who cares if they can smell my racksack?

My god, I can't wait to get rid of the girls. Having started double D, making it to G was no fun. I'm still lactating now, but an actual reduction is a real possibility when we finish. Plus, I am giving up the pump! Free to a good home! Take the bamboo windchime too!!

6:14 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

I have to admit that I'm the opposite; I won't miss the pregnancy/baby boobs. I just don't like them on me; they don't suit my frame.

With all my pregnancies, including the current one, i've gone from an A to a C, and then back down to an A... and hopefully I will return to said A after my final wee one is born next month!

6:22 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Just to be perfectly clear - I don't want the puppies to be bigger - bigger had its drawbacks - I just want them to not swing down to my navel.

6:38 PM  
Blogger witchypoo said...

Hell, I have to lift mine in order to wash my knees. Plus nerve irritation in the neck and shoulder makes wearing a bra mighty uncomfy.
I'm done with the mourning. I wouldn't mind that chafing going away though.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

I do not relish the post-baby boobs. Not at all. I remember when they pointed in a direction approximating up. Those were good times, I wish I'd appreciated them more.

7:15 PM  
Blogger jenn said...

So basically we're talking crew socks? Yeah, welcome to my world.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

jenn - yes, but without the stripes.

7:19 PM  
Blogger rnwoolf said...

Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder like a continental soldier?
Do your boobs hang low?

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I walked around with 38DDD for many years; those things were heavy. "Yup," said the surgeon, hefting them, "We can get rid of about 5-6 pounds there." Breast reduction is major surgery but now that it's over, I'm glad I did it.
((The numb nipples are a bit of a problem though...))

7:43 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I've always had a healthy handful, (any more than a handful or a mouthful is waste anyway...or so I've been told) but pregnant and nursing they get way out of hand. (ha ha) Now that my third and last child will probably be weaning soon, I expect the girls to travel even further south. Yeah, when they're big, they droop even more. But you knew that I suspect.

I do wish I still had that body I had in high school and college that for whatever reason I disliked at the time. But then I wouldn't have my kids so I'm definitely not trading to go back.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Moobs said...

My Y chromosome is telling me to run away.

8:44 PM  
Blogger AlyGatr said...

I keep telling The Man I would love to just have a lift (not that I'm dying for surgery of any kind). I could care less if that makes them smaller...I just want perky without a bra. He tells me "after two kids you have the extra skin for at least some nice size C's". Great...just what I had in mind. In the end...I'd rather fork out for a tummy tuck. The flat tummy will make my boobs look bigger.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous Brigid said...

I haven't lost all the baby tummy by any means, (he's only 2 1/2 after all) but after weaning, my boobs are now smaller than my gut. Which makes me look pregnant again. Which I am not. Maybe the fact that I'm wearing a bra from Walgreen's is adding to my nightmare.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Frugal Rock said...

Hah! My mother had tube socks too but I called them long johns. I used to just marvel at them.

Sadly, my breasts stayed the exact same size during pregnancy, breastfeeding, and after weaning. I got no inflation whatsoever. Or deflation, for that matter. Still the same old B, almost C cups.

9:10 PM  
Blogger QuJaBaKa said...

hehehe, well keep them, rehash them, shove them in a better bra, whatever you do I'm jealous, I'm gonna be stuck in breast pads and maternity bra's for potentially the next three years, I weaned my oldest at one and when I got pg with her sister when she was three I was still lactating. This time around I'm still lactating and I weaned my son nigh on 8 months ago, I'd like my non leaky ones back but that doesn't seem to be an option. I have grown to strongly dislike the sound of a crying baby on the tv or in real life.
Good luck with finding a way to feel sexy, oh and I agree with redneck mommy about the bling thing!! lol.
K

9:24 PM  
Blogger Amo said...

After nursing two for a year each and the subsequent refusal to remove my shirt in front of my husband, I bought a new set. They are not obnoxious, the fit my frame.

They are perfect and I love them.

I have no regrets.

I am not saying they are for everyone, but I am much happier with myself now.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Bitchy Mom said...

Wow, you just took the words right out of my mouth... that was seriously the blog post I have been working on in my head for about a month now...

Nursing for 2 years, even very carefully, does suck the perkiness right out of boobs. Even the smallest of boobies aren't spared from tube-sock-itis and unevenness.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

Still jealous. Mine aren't even big enough to sag. They're practically non-boobs.

9:52 PM  
Blogger TheFeministBreeder said...

First, I just have to say, this:

"MAH BEWBS, THEYR TOOB SOX"

made my husband laugh his ass off for five straight minutes.

Second, I feel your pain. I too had itty-bitty-titties before these kids came. Then the swelled up, and turned into a C (a C!) while nursing. We're on the path to weaning now, and I can already see they're going to end up flat and dangling toward my midriff.

Ah well. Doesn't matter to me. I've already had one cesarean surgery, and that was enough surgery to last me a lifetime, so No Thank You to any plastic surgery for me. I also wouldn't want my kids thinking that their bodies require surgery to be "put back together". I think we're beautiful the way we are. Tube Sock Bewbies and all. But I get how you feel.

10:03 PM  
Anonymous :: wife mom maniac :: said...

It seems for lots of women, they reinflate big time during menopause, fatty tissues just build up there, then. So we can have big lucious knockers again when we're dried up old ladies ;)

10:05 PM  
Blogger Loukia said...

Great post. I too had what I considered GREAT BOOBS. I loved them so. I was a 36C. Now I'm not sure WTF I am. I was a 38C after having my kids, and I'm sort of still that, but not really in a good way. I never ever ever ever ever believed it when other people who had kids would tell me 'your body will change, your boobs will droop, etc." I was like, "Whatever, you have no idea - I'll lose the weight in a week, my boobs will be the same, etc." HAHAAHAHA was their response... "Okay, Loukia, suuuure," they would say. Damn it, they were SO right. SUCKS. I miss my boobs too. But really - at the end of the day - just because I do not look as good in a bikini anymore, I don't care all that much. I don't even have the energy to think about getting any work done to lift them. Who cares. Can I get a good night's sleep? That's my primary concern right now. Are my kids happy and healthy? Then whatever, I can totally love the boobs I have now. I did breastfeed, after all...

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Sarah@Momalom said...

I think I just wrote that post. Hey, I just wrote that! Did you steal it? Because seriously, herbadmother, it was ME who was saying everything that I just read. I look in the mirror and my boobs scream back at me, wondering what I have do to them. They were never anything but modest boobs on a modest girl, and now they are empty sacks, flapjacks flopping against my chest and even INSIDE MY BRA (which ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN).

If I could say that I were done with kids I might actually just have a consultation with a plastic surgeon just to see what it all would mean. I want nothing more than an inflation. Though I fear that with all the stretching of the skin there, and inflation would make them bigger than I really want or need them. Universe, just give me something back! It's not that much to ask! It might be vain, but is it fair that every glance in a mirror is a sour cringe? No No No.

Thanks for the boob talk. I so totally had to get all of that (what you wrote) off my chest.

10:27 PM  
Blogger Katy said...

I TOTALLY love your Mom!!! Here I was thinking I was the only one with that particular sense of humor...

Poor poor daughter...

10:39 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I SERIOUSLY just bought a bra from the teens department because mine have shrunk so. How humiliating.

You might find some solace in my post on a similar topic: http://jessicabhowell.blogspot.com/search/label/body%20image

10:41 PM  
Anonymous Julie @ The Mom Slant said...

Deflated pool toy - that's classic. And painfully accurate.

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I woke up one morning, 80 pounds and 14, I had a freaking C cup. I HATED THEM, forever. I got to a DD, then just kinda stayed there-5'2, no booty, 100 pounds- I thought I looked awkward, and it made me uncomfortable. Now? The boobies (note, boobies) are C cups again, which, YAY! and all, but I wish they weren't so FLAT. Hangy. COVERED in nursing related stretch marks. UGH. I want one more kid, then I am going to get these things put back where they belong, ya know, on my CHEST.

9:17 AM  
Blogger Bill said...

I never would have believed it. Women talk more about boobs than men do. Wow.

FYI - the average view of the average man of your boobs is summerized here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf80jYNg8Og

(I risk banning for this, I'm sure . . .)

Bill

11:59 AM  
Anonymous maya said...

I have tube sock boobs. Sadly, they have been that way since I was a teen. I gained, and lost weight. then i had twins. Now they are down to the floor and I have to throw them over my shoulder to leave the house.

I told my husband that i am so getting a boob job when I am done shooting out kids.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Parent Club said...

you blog the truth...mom's lament for the ever deflating boob...could be a book there...

3:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, again.
I just got out of the shower looked at myself naked in front of the mirror and cried. Your post was talking about me!!!
I don't think i can ever accept the fact that one of my breasts is gone. Yes, one. The other one is still here just in mini.
I'm a 21year old mama and i just don't want to look like that. I don't look like a woman anymore. Is my husband supposed to like that?! I wouldn't. And why are this surgery so expensive?!
Thanks for hearing me out.
The crazy german chick

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Shawna said...

I'm still nursing, though not as much at this point, and I'm already finding that before I go out I have to check the mirror to see if my nipples are in the right place, i.e., not totally wall-eyed. Rather than wish I could re-inflate them though, I'd be just as happy with no boobs at all once I for sure won't need them to nourish a small being again. I never really cared much for having boobs in the first place.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Hammie said...

I have the best of both worlds, the loveliest most inflatiest cream/water insert bras with push up power that give my small frame a mighty rack,

And at the end of the day an ironing board chest that allows me to run up and down the stairs in just a teeshirt with both hands free for carrying washing - instead of boobs.


As long as there is enough to push up, and they are healthy. Smile.
xx

5:19 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

My boobs hang to my belly button... I hate it. I use to have the most perfect breast in the world and I was very proud to show them off. Now they are just there and in the way if I don't wear a bra at all times. I also second the water bra. That thing can do miracles with saggy boobs. It gives a great illusion but can cause some major disappointment when you take it off each evening so make sure you don't undress in front of a mirror!

8:12 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Oh and they do have a tit inflator.... I saw one on some sex toy site. It claims to increase breast size if used daily. comes with large heavy duty plastic cups (in three sizes to fit all breast) and connects to a heavy duty metal hand pump.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Hapi said...

hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

3:30 PM  
Blogger File said...

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4:00 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I was really hoping someone would invent a way to do a transplant because I have enough to supply one person and possibly TWO if they aren't too greedy. (Oh, and that is definitely a complaint, not a brag.)

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Katherine said...

I have the opposite problem. 36DDD. I'd love to have a small set. The grass really is always greener I guess. After I'm sure I'm done with babies and breastfeeding, I think a breast reduction is in order. Too bad I can't just magically transfer the extra to someone who wants it.

8:27 PM  
Blogger Merrily Down the Stream said...

I remember calling my sister after I weaned the twinkies to ask her 'what fresh hell is this?' She said it was like putting a golf ball in each of the feet in a pair of pantyhose. And me, who had NEVER considered plastic surgery - I was ready for a boob job..She told me to wait one year - it worked - I don't know if they actually got better or I just adjusted to them. One could never cal them spectacular.

9:26 PM  
Blogger gretchen said...

I have two words for you, honey. FOUNDATIONAL UNDERGARMENTS. It doesn't matter what shape they are, if you strap them into a properly uplifting and oomphing brassiere(as my mother would have said). Of course, you don't want anybody watching when you take the aforementioned bra off and the boobs reconfigure themselves into their natural shape and position!

10:49 PM  
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6:00 AM  
Blogger Blues said...

I really loved this post as it echoes what I feel and have always felt about my own boobs. Well, I haven't had kids, but I know what's in store for me. The fact that my mother has a boob job speaks volumes about what I can expect over the years.

I feel like now that I'm finally getting around to accepting my small boobs (it's taken me a good 15 years to accept that they ain't growin anymore), they are going to wither away once I turn my milk pump off.

My sister, who has the exact same boobs as I do said it best after she stopped nursing, "I didn't think our boobs could get any smaller. Well, they can."

11:41 AM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Yeah, I know all about deflated boobs. Mine were non-existent before kids, wondrous and luscious during pregnancy and lactation, and then...soggy old loaves of bread...

8:47 PM  
Blogger heather said...

Wow! I thought I was the only one dealt the bad boobs. Of course, it's not enough that they have always looked funny, they barely worked for their god-given purpose and gave me months of feeling like a failure.

Just weaning too, so now the "mummy tummy" sticks out so much more. yet another reason to never stand naked in front of a mirror.
Glad to see from all of the comments that I'm not alone. I can only imagine what another kid might do to the poor girls.

1:27 AM  
Blogger mommymae said...

i, for one, have never wanted boobs. i'm quite happy with my size A. i can wear strapless dresses & tanks without feeling like i'm showing too much. that said, they are still like pancakes (albeit dollar-sized) after nursing 4 kids.

10:54 AM  
Blogger The Peach Tart said...

can you say wonderbra....that's the only thing making me feel somewhat like a sexy wanna be

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You make me laugh! The same thing happened to me - I actually found a bra called the 'thank goodness it fits' bra (a padded training type number) which has since been discontinued....argh! I dread the day the two threadbare ones I have left finally give up on me and I have to go shopping again...pretty sad...but so is bra shopping :) Colleen

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's amazing...the boobs thing. It works both ways. I had a relative tell me to pull up my shirt at a family function recently. My shirt was firmly in where it was supposed to be...shoulder seams straight! Yet Miss not even an A cup was offended that I might be not hiding my "still perky at almost forty J cups". Sorry, born with them, like them, and passed them on to my much thinner than I'll ever be daughter. You know what else? They're non functional. Not a drop of milk through two kids. Big, small, it's just like motherhood, somebody else is always telling you what to do with them. Do whatever you want. Make yourself happy.

1:54 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

This. Exact. Story. Is why I did the thing I said I'd never do.

I called the surgeon.

He even sent me flowers afterward. You know, kind of like the best date ever...

Well... I got there early, left sick, felt kind of lousy for days, he sent flowers.

In the end, I had an epic rack. So it was just like every other date other than the rack.

1:28 PM  

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