The Other Side Of Anger
Before I had children, I understood that parenthood would be challenging. I read a lot of books about it, actually, because I was a little worried. Would the first months of my child's life be like boot camp? Would I go insane from sleep deprivation? Was I going to be comfortable breastfeeding? Would I gag at all the shitty diapers? Could I do this? I was pretty confident that I could do it. I figured that I was about as well-prepared as any mother could be, and, besides, I was not in this alone. My husband would be right there with me, doing his share and gagging at runny poos. We would be doing it together, and together, we would be strong.
And then Emilia was born and it was, as expected, hard. And my husband was there, just as I had expected him to be, and he provided all the support that I could hope for. He provided all of the support that I could hope for, and more, and yet: I found myself feeling very, very angry. At the situation. At him. Mostly at him.
I was struggling with post-partum depression, which of course exacerbated things, but it was more than just a byproduct of the depression. It was a deep, almost aggressive, resentment that burbled up in my throat - burning, like an acid - and choked me, every time that he walked out the front door to go to work, or to pick up milk or cat food or whatever, his arms swinging freely, his keys dangling casually from his fingers. Maybe I'll just stop by the barber for a hair-cut, he'd say. Or, I'll swing by the grocery store on the way home from work. Or, I'm headed out to work; call me if you need anything; love you! The bastard.
He could just walk out the front door, just walk right out and head off to wherever, totally unencumbered, totally unburdened. He was free. I was not free. I could not even go to the bathroom without undergoing complicated rituals to ensure that the baby would not scream for the five minutes that I would be out of her line of sight (having failed to master this activity, I soon resorted to waiting until she had one of her two eight-minute naps of the day, or jerryrigging the baby carrier so that I could hold her and pee at the same time.) If I wanted to leave the house, even to venture the half-block to the bakery for a take-out cappuccino, I had to plot my outing like a military manoeuvre, making certain that my plans were in accordance with nap schedules and feeding times and stocks of supplies and the appropriate alignment of the stars. I was not free, and I resented my husband's freedom with a fury that sometimes made me tremble. I was angry. I was sometimes not sure whether I was angry at him, or myself, or the universe, or all three. Usually I settled for just being angry at him.
Last week, the New York Times reported a story - originally posted on Parenting.com, later covered by Jezebel - about moms of young children feeling anger toward their husbands. According to the original story, nearly half of all moms who took a survey about anger reported that they "get irate with their husbands" at least once a week. Fully half of them described their anger as "intense." Moms, the study concludes, are mad. Which, whatever. I could have told them that.
The story that I would tell about this anger, however, might be a little different than the one told in the Times. The Parenting.com story focuses on the imbalanced distribution of parental responsibility in most households, and their characterization of that imbalance rang perfectly true for me ("We carry so much of this life-altering responsibility in our heads: the doctors’ appointments, the shoe sizes, the details about the kids’ friends. Many dads wouldn’t even think to buy valentines for the class, for example, or know when it’s time to sign kids up for the pre–camp physical... We’re the walking, talking encyclopedias of family life, while dads tend to be more like brochures." Yes, I said to myself, reading this. YES.) But I'm not convinced that that imbalance necessarily leads - must lead, should lead, justifiably leads - to rage directed at one's spouse.
Is it really my husband that I'm angry at when I find myself trapped (yes, that's how it feels sometimes) alone inside the house with a squalling baby? When I'm awakened for the umpteenth time in the night by a baby who won't take a bottle? When my husband reveals that he doesn't know when Emilia should visit the dentist, or when Jasper should go in for his next well-visit? When he complains about being tired or overwhelmed while I'm scrounging in the medicine cabinet for the Ativan? Sure, I feel angry - I sometimes feel very angry - but is my anger really directed at him? And if it is directed at him - should it be?
My husband is not - I am pretty sure about this - acting maliciously when he walks out the front door to go to work. And he does not actively try to avoid retaining certain information about the household schedule or the children's appointments or how many Valentines Emilia needs to bring to school next week. Nor is he making a conscious effort to disregard how challenging things are for me when he complains about his own exhaustion. Sure, he'll never be as exhausted as I am - nobody will ever be as exhausted as I am - but that doesn't preclude him from experiencing his own sleep-deprivation-related discomforts. So why do I feel anger about these things? These things are not his fault. He's a supportive husband and father, but he's got his own challenges to deal with: his job pays the mortgage, his cooking skills keep us from living on soup and donuts, his ability to stay awake at night and get up early in the morning to wrangle baby is required to keep his sleep-deprived wife from going batshit crazy. This new household order isn't a walk in the park for him, either. So why do I - and, presumably, half of the married mothers in North America - blame him for the seeming imbalance in that order?
My point: it's not my husband's fault that I carry most of the burden of responsibility for caring for our kids. It's just the way that it is. I could blame him - and believe me, sometimes, in my darker moments, I do - but mightn't it be more reasonable to blame society's patriarchal hangover? Or even more reasonably: mightn't I blame the choices that we have made as a couple, that I have made as a woman and mother? We made choices as a couple that established a certain division of labor in our household, and we agreed upon those choices. I'm a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom. The children are in my care for a far greater share of the day than they are in his. If he didn't work, things would be different. If he lactated and could breastfeed, things would be very different. If parenting were just an easier gig, things would be different. I could justify my anger as rightfully directed at him if I felt - if I believed - that he just didn't take the care of our children as seriously as I did, or if he actively shirked parental duty and left the burden of work unfairly to me. But he doesn't, and so I can't.
And my guess is that this is very probably true for many women. Pressed with the question, do you get angry at your husband?, any one of us might say, "hell yeah, I get angry!" Do you feel that you work harder in caring for your children, that he doesn't do as much as you do, that things are easier for him? "Yes, yes and yes!" Does that make you mad? "YES!" But are we really mad at our husbands and partners, or are we mad at the circumstances of our parenting arrangements? Are we really a continent of enraged mothers, silently seething at our significant others, filled with justifiable rage at their failure to measure up to our needs and expectations? Or do we all just find parenting really, really hard sometimes - not to mention isolating - and so just fall easily into the trap of resenting our partners for not - from our blinkered perspective - having it as hard? When we talk about being angry at our spouses, aren't we really, many of us, talking about being angry about hard this motherhood business can be, and about what a drag it is that the larger share of the burden of childcare has, over the course of human history, fallen to women? You know, as the ones with the boobs? Is this really about our own husbands at all? Or this about long-standing, world-historical tensions concerning divisions between men and women generally?
None of this is to say that my husband doesn't f*ck up sometimes, nor that he is perfectly attentive to my every need as his parenting partner. Sometimes he's just an outright doofus about things. And so I feel completely justified in feeling a teeny bit - maybe a whole lot - pissy when he asks why I can't just go to sleep earlier, or maybe nap when the baby is napping, or when he doesn't put away the laundry or when he says oh, hey, would you mind terribly if I just went out for a while to do whatever and left the kids with you? But the larger issues, the challenges and obstacles and difficulties that provoke real anger and deeper frustration: these are not his fault, and my emotional struggle with these should not be his cross to bear. This should be our shared burden, one that we manage, in part, by acknowledging that we both ache from the strain and and that we both buckle, sometimes, from the weight.
And then he should mix me a drink and rub my feet. Then we'll be good.
Where are you at with this whole angry-at-mah-hubby thing? Are you one of the 50% of the population that's filled with rage? Would a foot-rub help? Is it just me, or does even talking about mother-rage feel discomfiting? Like, if I had a good feminist household I wouldn't even be talking about this crap because dude would have a prosthetic, lactating breast machine strapped to his chest and would be nursing our baby himself while I added a few more degrees to my CV and maybe found a cure for cancer? GAH. Maybe I get angry because I fetishize the inside of my own head. That shit's tiring.