tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post1382865262283780638..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: The Other Side Of AngerHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53478595629435441962009-03-11T02:56:00.000-04:002009-03-11T02:56:00.000-04:00Well, a very sad post for me. Thank you for rememb...Well, a very sad post for me. Thank you for remembering that marrying is a losing proposition for men.<BR/><BR/>In my experience, it's the woman in the relationship who wants the baby and then pressures the man to have him. And then, she feels rage at him, even if he is working to pay a stay-at-home mother, so there is a division of labor. IsnĀ“t this insane?<BR/><BR/>What about thinking that a baby is a MAJOR job instead of dreaming of a fairy tale? What about not having a kid if you don't want to make a huge sacrifice?<BR/><BR/>What about the man being angry at the woman to pressure him to be parent and to make him work more to allow her to take care of the baby? Wait, no, I forgot that men are adults and rational creatures. I forgot that they understand that life is hard and don't blame others on the consequences of their own decisions. Too much to ask for women who feel entitled to be angry without rational reason.<BR/><BR/>It's better not to get married and not to have kids. With the divorce rate in 50% (70% of divorces initiated by the women) and men losing their assets and their children in family court even so. I knew that.<BR/><BR/>But makes me sad that women are never satisfied, even with a loving husband, even with a man who has given up all his bachelor life to be with her, who works to support a mother to take care of his child, who want to his child to be cared for by his mother. There are good men out there but less and less because they are awakening to the fact that no matter they do, it will never be enough.<BR/><BR/>For women it's never enough. There is always a reason to complain and to feel like a victim. To be angry. Men get married to have love and peace and what they get: a woman who is angry at them without reason.<BR/><BR/>Single moms do not have anyone to be angry at. So they can be free of these bastards called husbands. Please be a single mom and you will not have anything to complain.Chenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11058151766672325216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-6380326806938448782009-02-26T18:05:00.000-05:002009-02-26T18:05:00.000-05:00Suzanne Sommers was on Oprah talking about pre-men...Suzanne Sommers was on Oprah talking about pre-menopausal women and how they walk around seething all the time. <BR/><BR/> I thought, "I seethe. I seethe a lot. Seems like 30 is early for menopause, but, what the f, there has to be some reason I am grinding my teeth all the time."<BR/><BR/>I want to stay home with the babe, so I'll pull the "I work full time AND..." fill in all the shoe size, bill pay, dog groomer tasks as well. <BR/><BR/>Poor him. You are so right. Not his fault though I don't think it would kill a brother to remove 1 rotten thing from the fridge during 1 of the 27 times he opens it during the day.Jillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13963924636338812102noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-90261870684508005802009-02-26T13:45:00.000-05:002009-02-26T13:45:00.000-05:00OMG...you do not realize how on point this is in m...OMG...you do not realize how on point this is in my life right now. I feel very angry with the hub most of the time, and blown that he does not have the same mental log I do of all the stuff that needs to be done. This was so validating that its not just me!Mommy booghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14960911009396920791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-34263488281727815352009-02-24T12:20:00.000-05:002009-02-24T12:20:00.000-05:00I'm not mad. Anymore. My husband and I instituted ...I'm not mad. Anymore. My husband and I instituted a "no drudgery" rule. We don't keep track. He bought Valentines this year. I stopped griping about cleaning the house. He started cooking healthy food. He knows her feet are size 10 1/2.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure how it happened, except to say we almost split up last year, and maybe the alternative looked a lot worse.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61022019885231508812009-02-19T18:26:00.000-05:002009-02-19T18:26:00.000-05:00I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's eternally p...I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's eternally pissed all the time. It's so comforting to see it's 50% normal. Sort of. I feel absolute rage at the husband. And mostly it's because he thinks I'm on vacation every day because I get to stay home all day. "Get to" being the magic words there. He complains about being beat after four days of work so he NEEDS that three-day weekend all to himself to catch up and rejuvinate. Excuse me? I don't get evenings off, or weekends, or holidays, or sick days, or any other kinda damn day off. EVER. I empathize with the lady who said she has to beg her husband just to watch the kids for one lousy hour a week so she can go to a class. Same thing here, except I actually have to give a good enough reason--good enough to counter his whining--so I can actually go. Mind you, this is after he's said a billion times that if I need a break from the kids, why, just ask! I'll be there for you, honey! But when it actually comes to the asking, he rolls his eyes and sighs like I'm asking him to donate a kidney. Be a damn man for crap's sake. I love you, but you're pissing me off with these melodramatic acts you're putting on just to get out of watching your own damn children for more than the five minutes you see them in the morning before you saunter off to work. At a job, mind you, that I used to do myself and I KNOW it's not half as hard as what I do now. And yet he acts as if he's the one who has it the hardest in this family and why can't I just give him a break? I'll tell you why I can't just give you a break; you helped make 'em, you can help take care of them. No more excuses, I've had it with them. No, I don't feel bad for being pissed at him. Because he doesn't do the best he can. He makes promises and breaks them when push comes to shove. Screw that. I'm justifiably mad.Abbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11024012133951388516noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-48600983788900290952009-02-16T19:22:00.000-05:002009-02-16T19:22:00.000-05:00Yup, I`m angry. I have a 3 year old, a nearly 2 ye...Yup, I`m angry. I have a 3 year old, a nearly 2 year old and work full time from home. I HATE that my husband goes out to get milk and doesn`t come back for three or four hours, because he doesn`t have to. I hate that he gets to go AWAY to work while I have to parent and work at the same time.<BR/><BR/>That being said, my husband lets me take naps and he does clean the house. But sometimes, I just want to get out without children and he freaks at the idea of looking after them both! To which I say, "HA! Try working AND looking after them!"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-7346304786681325032009-02-12T21:07:00.000-05:002009-02-12T21:07:00.000-05:00I agree with the poster who said she feels jealous...I agree with the poster who said she feels jealousy more than anger. My husband is fabulous. He realizes that what I do as a SAHM is hard work (perhaps because as a grad student, he works from home sometimes and sees how much I do). Every night, he says "Thank you Baby" when I serve dinner, and takes care of the baby when he gets home. He stays with the baby once a week while I take the dog to agility, no questions asked. And he tells me on a regular basis what a great mom I am. So how can I be angry at him? But I am jealous...that he regularly sleeps til 8:30 or 9, while the baby is up at 7:30 every day; that he didn't have to get up for the middle of the night feedings, since i was breast feeding; that he can leave the house without wondering if he remembered the diaper bag, extra burp cloth, etc. But I *chose* to be a SAHM mom, and as hard as it is, I wouldn't change it for anything. And I could not ask for a better husband or father. So, even though I am jealous, I'm not mad.ChefSarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13365291022787372989noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-80537106027912874562009-02-10T05:26:00.000-05:002009-02-10T05:26:00.000-05:00My hubby is a stay at home dad. He definitely pick...My hubby is a stay at home dad. He definitely picks up his share of parenting responsibilities, but what I get mad at him about is 'chores'. His idea and my idea of what needs to be done vary greatly. I believe that sweeping up Cheerios, throwing away cheese wrappers, placing cups in the sink, etc. etc. etc. should be done as you walk by them or as they are used. HE on the other hand believes that it should all be left alone until the end of the day and done all at once. THIS DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.Biankahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06793296169857678771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-2222531990267898932009-02-09T15:59:00.000-05:002009-02-09T15:59:00.000-05:00It seems to me that several issues can contribute ...It seems to me that several issues can contribute to the anger. For situations where the mom stays at home, there is the anger about him walking out the door after a shower and getting to pee by himself and eat lunch with adults or alone, while she can't. <BR/><BR/>Then, in general, for WOHMs or WAHMs, there is the whole self-imposed vision of what a 'mom' does or should do - self-sacrifce and home-cooked meals and clean houses and running the household. Things based on what society has told us we should do.<BR/><BR/>For me, I think I have enough selfishness (or self-preservation) to know that I *need* to have alone time and down time. No, I don't cook every night. There may be piles of mail on my kitchen table and dustbunnies under the couch, but without my downtime or without enough sleep, I get angry.Avonleahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07207506579954260744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8501061762215605352009-02-09T15:13:00.000-05:002009-02-09T15:13:00.000-05:00I'm a woman, a new mother, and am angry at times a...I'm a woman, a new mother, and am angry at times at my husband. And yet, what really got me was SUEB0B's comment. <BR/><BR/>YES!!! Why do we complicate everything? We are living in an age of hyperparenting, cluttering our lives up with too much stuff, too many obligations, going here, there everywhere and not taking enough time to just be. My son is teaching me how to just be. And not to care about matching napkins and tablecloths, or the dust bunnies under the beds.<BR/><BR/>I used to criticize my husband when he folded the cloth diapers wrong, or filled the bath with 1/2 cm too much water. This really put a strain on our relationship. I had to give up control, and god damn it--lower my standards. Things don't always have to be perfect. Once we stop being so hard on ourselves I think we'll lose a lot of that anger...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-20929963855931005532009-02-09T12:43:00.000-05:002009-02-09T12:43:00.000-05:00I'm sorry but no, I am not angry at my husband. N...I'm sorry but no, I am not angry at my husband. Not never, but hardly ever. Not just because he takes a lot of parenting responsibility on - though he does - but also because I'm just not that overwhelmed most of the time. I am lucky enough to get a decent sleep almost every night because, though I'm up feeding multiple times, the feedings are very brief and I have the enviable ability to fall asleep quickly after each is over. Also, if I'm tired from an unusually difficult night I often go to bed around 8:00 pm the next night. I really think this sleep thing is key and that I'd feel completely differently if I didn't get enough.<BR/><BR/>I do get to feeling isolated and bored, especially in the winter when it's hard to take the baby out at all and walks are pretty much off the table. But rarely does that translate to anger at my husband.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-60892390865459976902009-02-09T12:35:00.000-05:002009-02-09T12:35:00.000-05:00Oooh. Put me in the 50%. Because I read the arti...Oooh. Put me in the 50%. Because I read the article and I wanted to CUT IT OUT and post it on my refrigerator.<BR/><BR/>I think they nailed it for me with this - I get furious because my husband simply CANNOT multitask. I have to juggle sixty things at once - including a lot of business travel. I am the one to handle all the daycare "extras" - the valentines, the parties, the spare clothes. He pats himself on the back if he remembers to brush Harry's teeth before he gets out the door. <BR/><BR/>I don't know what I am expecting from a gender that evolved to follow the ass-end of an animal for hundreds of miles, hunt it down and kill it. God bless them - they were simply made for single-mindedness and they can't help it. But it still pisses me off.Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02512361671288802965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-86429636470992510062009-02-09T08:45:00.000-05:002009-02-09T08:45:00.000-05:00When i was playing the part of stay at home mom......When i was playing the part of stay at home mom...from when emily was born, to when josh was born 20 months later, until he was almost 2..when i went back to work...i spent A LOT of time being angry and jealous.<BR/><BR/>that i couldn't pee. that i couldn't go out to lunch. mostly that i couldn't take a shower, get dressed and walk out of the house every morning. I WAS MAD THAT I COULDN'T LEAVE. i was 100% trapped with all this baggage.<BR/><BR/>but now that both the husband and i work it's so 100% different. we are a team. we have equal remembering responsibilities...playdates, parent/teacher conferences, to buy the milk. that, to me, made it so much easier. things didn't get DEFAULTED to me just because i was the one at home.Alihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11127692699186571544noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-35448158198699065272009-02-09T07:50:00.000-05:002009-02-09T07:50:00.000-05:00I love reading your blogposts.... I am writing fro...I love reading your blogposts.... I am writing from India and when i read this blog I sometimes feel that it is a really small world with women facing identical problems and at other times I feel like you are from a different planet :)Janani Barathhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09458898243807816199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-49911462735681136272009-02-08T23:29:00.000-05:002009-02-08T23:29:00.000-05:00A couple thoughts from the perspective of a man wh...A couple thoughts from the perspective of a man whose wife seems to be coming out of this anger with our children being 5 and 3.<BR/><BR/>We laugh it off a bit, but I think there are significant downsides to this:<BR/><BR/>1.) As the <I>Parenting</I> article noted there are significant health concerns for women carrying this level of anger.<BR/><BR/>2.) Would you want the job of Dad? You get to work a full-time job outside the home, have your free time and paycheck eaten up, and have the person you wanted to love and support you be constantly furious at you even when it's not really your fault. Sign me up!<BR/><BR/>Like it or not, being an involved Dad is still somewhat of a "choice" for men, and it's a decreasingly appetizing one.<BR/><BR/>--<BR/><BR/>And I don't know a way around it. HBM recommends drinks and foot rubs, but my experience is that those are as likely to be spurned as welcomed. <BR/><BR/>@sarah wrote: <I>Seriously... he has been getting up early and cleaning the house BEFORE work. How can I be mad??? </I><BR/><BR/>Not to be glib, but my suspicion is she will eventually find a way. I tried this route as well, and nearly ran myself crazy, thinking if only I did a few more things, worked a little harder, scrubbed the dishes a bit more thoroughly, then she couldn't be mad at me. My experience is this had the opposite affect.<BR/><BR/><I><BR/>There's also the train of thought that over-doing chores like this is an effort to "control" one's spouse by removing plausible reasons she might have to be mad at me.<BR/></I><BR/><BR/>And I am now carrying scars, and they don't go away. Being called a "third child" while working two jobs and doing more than my share of the household chored and requring nothing from her (she admitted) to take care of me hurts. <BR/><BR/>I know most of the readers are thinking, "that's nothing compared to what we've been through...," and that maybe the case. <BR/><BR/>And maybe there is no way around it, and we just have to suck it up. But I'd sure like us to know before we give up.JohnMcGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07476537916134121570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53351777455502066732009-02-08T21:43:00.000-05:002009-02-08T21:43:00.000-05:00I have experienced this anger, and sometimes I sti...I have experienced this anger, and sometimes I still do. But I work outside the home, and still do all thos things. So for me, it isn't about freedom, but being overwhelmed and needing some help. Which for the most part, he's awesome about providing, but there are still those days.<BR/><BR/>And you know what? I'm sure he gets angry at me sometimes, because I left crap in the garage again, or whatever. That's part of marriage.<BR/><BR/>But I understand that anger.Mamalanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00200657325831762553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-66255049792531873942009-02-08T15:05:00.000-05:002009-02-08T15:05:00.000-05:00Don't get me started...I feel rage when I am told ...Don't get me started...<BR/>I feel rage when I am told my grumbling about sleep is unjustified...as HE is the one working long hours and working from home too...while I go to bed early.<BR/><BR/>I go to bed early because I can't think anymore and KNOW that in two or three hours I will have kids, dogs, and snoring husbands disturbing ANY rest I try to get.<BR/><BR/>I get fed up being told how trivial MY issues are compared to his big money support the family issues.<BR/><BR/>I get told of dealing with weekends where HE suddenly notices the kids and pushes HIS way with the kids over what they have gotten used to with ME all week long.<BR/><BR/>Don't get me started..Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70524461946800767292009-02-07T11:00:00.000-05:002009-02-07T11:00:00.000-05:00I've actually written quite a lot about anger on m...I've actually written quite a lot about anger on my blog -- partly as a good way to deal with it and to connect with others who are angry! I really think anger is like anxiety -- that, as you put it SO WELL, "fetishizing the inside of your own head." Our minds are just so heavy all the time -- not only are we trapped in our homes, can't go out on a whim, etc., but we are trapped in our heads, constantly second guessing ourselves. And, it gets tiring, and it gets to be too much. Sooner or later, we explode with it -- in the form of anger toward our spouse, who comes dilly-dallying in after a day of adult interaction, interaction with people WHO WILL LISTEN. And, sometimes, it's like you have ANOTHER baby to tend for, as you put dinner on the table, etc.<BR/><BR/>It's f*ing hard. <BR/><BR/>ALSO, I notice, when I'm not sleeping, I get ANGRY. After a good sleep, I feel better. Less anxious, less angry.<BR/><BR/>We resent them, too, because they can't possibly give us the emotional support we need - because they can't understand..., because of that "patriarchal hangover" thing....<BR/><BR/>this comment is all over the place, too. Because I, too, never get to sleep. I'm an angry BEAST! ;)Bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07516203764767040649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61985751793601502792009-02-07T06:18:00.000-05:002009-02-07T06:18:00.000-05:00I am angry as well. I work full-time in a high-str...I am angry as well. I work full-time in a high-stress job, hour commute each way, trying to finish a PhD and have a 4 year old and 9 month old.<BR/><BR/>There are many levels on which I am just nuts... but it sure does seem like my husband has it easy. He works 5 minutes from our house, university job in which he seems to have it pretty easy.<BR/><BR/>I love my children more than I can believe, but they still drive me crazy sometimes. And I am the one who handles all the minutae of our life. Sometimes I just hate it.<BR/><BR/>But your post helped me to put words to my anger and also ask the questions you did. I think I am more mad at the situation than the man. Although the man maddens me too! I wish society in general placed more importance on "motherly tasks". <BR/><BR/>Maybe that's the job for our daughters!Lydiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15054176279624205909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-22273525466338166852009-02-06T22:14:00.000-05:002009-02-06T22:14:00.000-05:00I'm right there with you on anger - I've never exp...I'm right there with you on anger - I've never experienced anger so intense in my life before becoming a parent - but not on one thing. I don't have a husband to direct that rage at. I'm a single mom, and let me tell you that the rage is still there. Only it swirls around me in a choking dust storm and has nowhere to lash out at - not even at my son's father, as I'm quite happy that he's gone. Before I got it a bit under control my son witnessed me throwing a shoe at a door. Two days later I put a hole in my (fragile old plaster) wall with a vacuum. Now he doesn't witness it any more, as he started throwing things too! <BR/><BR/>Anyway, I think perhaps the anger is part of being a mom. It's everything all wrapped up, the exhaustion, the frustration, the isolation, hormones from hell, feeling responsible for everything, never getting to really look after yourself, missing sleeping in, reading books, evenings flopped on the couch doing nothing more than staring at the TV. In the case of married or partnered moms it winds up being directed at the husband/partner. <BR/><BR/>I've had a book recommended to me, but still haven't picked it up. Budhism for Mothers, I think the title was. Might be worth a look.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-28451239712937141912009-02-06T22:07:00.000-05:002009-02-06T22:07:00.000-05:00You asked if it would be different if he stayed ho...You asked if it would be different if he stayed home and you worked.<BR/>Well, from my experience - Yes and NO.<BR/>For the first eight years of our kids lives, my husband had his own business and worked from home while I worked corporate (choice we made due to fear of losing the health insurance my job provided and his could not). The only difference was our physical daily locations. I was the one to leave in the morning to a cold cup of coffee. He cooked, he cleaned, laundry, helped the kids write, play, interact, go to the park, grocery shopping (INCLUDING VEGGIES/FRUIT), and made a small income off his business - you name it. I was ANGRY because he was doing what I thought, imagined, had ingrained in me by society, my maternal heritage, etc. was MY JOB and why the fuck were the kids well adjusted, happy, healthy little bundles of joy instead of whacked out terrors who desperately needed their Mommy to stay home? <BR/>We are on equal footing now - both working outside the home while our kids are in public school - and you know what? <BR/>I still get angry at him. And even though I know it's NOT HIM that I am angry at anymore, I am unable or unwilling to suppress it. Thank God I have told him this so we can survive this very difficult, surprising and joyful journey of married together parenthood...Thanks for reading long rant - Peace!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-55954036975374119222009-02-06T21:52:00.000-05:002009-02-06T21:52:00.000-05:00Um, have you met me? I'm angry most of the time. ...Um, have you met me? I'm angry most of the time. I soooo well remember being angry when Pynchon came home at 5:17 instead of 5:10, because that seven minutes was everything to my sanity. Mad that when I was on leave, he walked out the door every morning and let it all go, but when he was on leave I pumped milk 3 times a day and cried a lot. Continue to be mad because SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS how FUCKING HARD is it to remember to pack extra underpants in the bag? Where the health card is? Where the Little Ponies are hidden? Etc. Why do I have to, in addition to being the Mommy of First Resort, have to manage the adminstration of life single-handledly? Honestly. That pisses me off.Mimihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10812707312289852258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-51845129290547227932009-02-06T20:05:00.000-05:002009-02-06T20:05:00.000-05:00I went through that stage of being mad (especially...I went through that stage of being mad (especially at my husband) but now I think I'm more mad at the parenting arrangement, like you said, I love my daughter (of course) but sometimes it just feels like I'm on call 24/7 whereas my husband does get a break from his work and so sometimes it doesn't seem fair.. But I think I'm learning to accept the whole thing, since I don't think I'm going to be changing the way society makes us do certain things in a certain way... :)MrsVladdevlorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05548917452146044441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-29441707769986301752009-02-06T15:58:00.000-05:002009-02-06T15:58:00.000-05:00I think much of this anger is - as you said - over...I think much of this anger is - as you said - over anger that we, by default as women, have to handle 80% of the child rearing. <BR/><BR/>But think about it -- just 20 years ago -- it was standard fair for women to stay home. Today, we grew up with a different story. You can have kids, have the fabulous career and the great husband. Yes, you can do it all. <BR/><BR/>So some of the resentment felt by stay at home moms, could be, because their husbands do get to leave and they don't. That is a new feeling and expectation. <BR/><BR/>And it's fucking with our heads. <BR/><BR/>I wrote a post about this - I really hope you take a second to read it, although I know you're sleep deprived and impossibly popular. <BR/><BR/>http://www.wetv.com/blogs/mama-drama/2008/12/will-the-real-mothers-please-stand-up.htmlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-87560735108581166572009-02-06T14:28:00.000-05:002009-02-06T14:28:00.000-05:00I just want you to know that I've been reading you...I just want you to know that I've been reading your blog for awhile now, and this is one of the best things you've ever written. I shared it with my husband, highlighting some of the parts that apply to us. Thank you for so eloquently putting these thoughts into written form, because for the life of me, I had no idea why I was so pissed at him. And yeah - what you said. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com