Her Bad Mother

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hold The Mustard

I don't know at what point I realized that I was doomed to one of the worst public humiliations of my parenting experience, but it might have been when the elderly lady walked in on Jasper and I in the ladies' restroom at our local Kelsey's restaurant and noticed a) his nakedness, b) the slick of mustard poo coating that nakedness, c) the slick of mustard poo coating me, and d) the slick of mustard poo coating every visible surface in the room, and then, without a word, turned on her heel and walked back out again.

We hadn't planned to go out to dinner Saturday night. But we'd ended up driving out to the countryside to visit friends and hadn't planned for dinner and so had hatched the ill-conceived plan to just stop on the way home so that Emilia might fall asleep in the car afterwards. It occurred to me at some point that our car-stash of diapers and pull-up pants and wipes was low, but I reasoned that Emilia would use the toilet at the restaurant - she's been using the toilet fairly reliably - and that we could make it through the evening with just a spare pull-up and no wipes. I forgot that we also had a baby, and that at five months old, he's unable to use the toilet and, you know, control his bowel movements.

We'd been at the restaurant for about twenty minutes when Jasper started to fuss.

"He probably needs a change," I said. I did a mental calculation of baby supplies on hand. Zero. "You're going to have to go out to the car," I told my husband. "There should be a diaper in the backseat." I figured that I might have a wipe or two in a crumpled-up travel pack of no-name wipes in my bag. I didn't bother to check.

So it was that five minutes later I was in the ladies' restroom with a baby in need of a change and only one diaper, no change of clothes, and one or two dessicated wipes. Which wouldn't have been a problem, necessarily, if said baby wasn't loaded from stem to stern with - how to put this? - a shitload of effluent that had just begun leaking through his clothes.

Leaking through his clothes and onto mine.

Leaking through his clothes and onto my clothes and onto the floor.

Leaking through his clothes and onto my clothes and onto the floor and onto my feet.

Mustard poo, as any new parent knows, does not, strictly speaking, smell like poo. It has a sort of cloying, sweet organic smell, like the smell of dead roses, or of rotting fruit, or wet hay, with a bit of a sharp, mustardy edge to it. I had a lot of time to think about this as I wrestled my fat, naked, poo-slicked baby in the ladies' restroom of the Bowmanville Kelsey's. I had a lot of time to think about this, because it is very, very difficult to clean a poo-slicked baby in a public restroom with only one wipe. Actually, it is very nearly impossible to clean a poo-slicked baby in a public restroom with only one wipe. Which is why I spent close to half an hour just standing around in my poo-stained shirt, holding the naked poo-slicked baby and a clutch of paper towels and wondering what the f*** I was supposed to do, during which time the elderly woman wandered into the restroom, correctly assessed the situation as off-putting to one's dinner, and exited immediately.

I needed to act. I knew that if I took much longer, one of a number of things was going to happen: 1) someone else would come in wanting to use the restroom, which by this point looked like the set of one of those alien movies where aliens get slaughtered and splatter gummy yellow effluent over every surface, 2) my husband would send the server - who was maybe twenty-years old and prone to responding to every request with a giggle and 'okay, awesome!' - in to find me, which would contribute nothing but nervous tittering and an added element of spectacle to the scene, 3) Jasper would release another blast of poo and I would burst into tears, or 4) all of the above.

So, gripping Jasper under one arm, I filled the sink with soap and water, dipped him butt-first into the bubbles and scrubbed at him with paper towels. Then I threw paper towels over the change table, three or four layers thick, for later wiping, and shoved some more paper towels against my poo-smeared chest so that Jasper wouldn't get re-smeared when I held him against me. Then - still one-arming it - I pulled the clean diaper onto him, and his wee cardigan, which had mercifully escaped being shat upon. I contemplated tossing his clothes into the wastebasket, but decided that that would just prolong the smell, and so I wrapped them in more paper towels and then - holding Jasper an inch from my damp, decoupaged chest and summoning every ounce of dignity I could muster - marched back through the restaurant to my husband.

"Take him," I said, "and get the waitress to bring a plastic bag for this." I dumped the paper-towel wrapped package of poo-soaked clothing on my chair, grabbed my own cardigan, and walked back the restroom, where I stripped off my reeking, soaking shirt and shoved in the wastebasket. Then, clad only in my bra, I scrubbed myself down - myself and all the other surfaces slicked with poo - before zipping my cardigan over my more-or-less naked but also more-or-less shit-free chest and heading back out into the restaurant and to my family: Jasper now clean and settled back in his carseat, my husband holding out a large glass of red wine for me, and my daughter grinning madly over a plate of mini-hamburgers.

And clutching a big squeeze-bottle of mustard.

If we never go out for dinner again it will be too soon.

If you have a worse poo story, I'd like to hear it. Also, I'd like to know if I'm the only parent who regularly finds herself short of supplies at critical moments, because a former grad-school colleague just messaged me saying 'good story, but when I'm a parent I'm going to keep a package of diapers in the car' and I was all, like, 'ha ha good luck with that' until I realized that maybe my particular form of slacker parenting is not the norm and that, perhaps, I should be deeply embarrassed about my general ineptitude. Yes/no?

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154 Comments:

Blogger Mimi said...

Oh, sweet Jesus. We had one of those, when we went for the meeting to get Munchkin baptized: we call it the Catholic Church Poop and it lives on in legend. There was actually a pool of it inside her carset. Volume, colour, spread, minimal supplies, public place. Dude, I feel for you. Also? LMAO :-)

1:43 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Mimi - we're calling it Poopocalypse Now. World War Poo. End Of Poos.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Melanie said...

Oooooh, I have been there. At a sushi restaurant in Tucson. With yeasty antibiotic poo and a 14-month old. Did it teach me to always keep the diaper bag fully loaded? No. But did it teach me to take the "who's baking bread?" smell seriously while baby's on a course of abx? Indeed.

I laugh because I identify. Boy, do I identify.

1:53 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

And a similar incident in Gigi's infant days turned me off mustard. Especially the grainy grey poupon, a detail not necessary to this comment but if we are going to compare poop to food...

Let me tell you, becoming a hermit family isn't all bad.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Ah yes. The days of endless rivers of baby poo. I well remember. The time the baby EXPLODED while I was trying to pay for my groceries comes to mind immediately.
And then there are the vomit stories...best left for another day?
Mothers should all be awarded the purple heart. Or iron cross. Or Pulitzer Prize.
Or something.

2:05 PM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I am sorry...poopocalpyse at it's worst. I would have thrown it all away....

2:06 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

KD - the decision about whether or not to throw it all away took an eternity to make. On the hand, ew. On the other, the restroom already stank to high heaven and I didn't want to make it worse by dumping poo-soaked cottons into the wastebasket. So it got bagged and toted home ot our own garbage.

GLAMOROUS LIFE.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Super Ninja Momma said...

Oh man. At least it was BF baby poo. Imagine if it was reeking FF baby poo, or the vomit-inducing poo of a baby on solids. Ugh.

I can't tell you how many babies I have bathed in restaurant sinks, with crappy restaurant hand soap. Okay, I can: four, but I can't tell you how many times.

2:08 PM  
Anonymous Chrissy said...

Oh wow. That sounds traumatizing! Good quick thinking though - sounds like you were able to handle it as well as you could! Hope you're able to go back to a restaurant sometime in the future. :-)

2:10 PM  
Blogger Atlanta Mommy said...

Just even thinking that you'll only be out for a while, you don't need extra supplies is just begging for the universe to mess with you!

Our first experience was in Home Depot. I left a trail of baby poop throughout the entire store. Hansel and Gretel have nothing on us. But did we learn our lesson? Nope. Our second experience was when I had to go to my 30 week OB appt with my potty training 2 year old. (Why didn't I bring an extra outfit???) She peed buckets. All over the floor of the exam room. My blood pressure was so high that I was instructed to start bed rest then and there.

I feel for you! So glad your husband knew enough to have some liquor waiting!

2:11 PM  
Anonymous fidget said...

oh dear.. just oh dear. this happened to me in Sears with Levi. I washed him in the sink and used the hand dryer to blow dry his butt

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, hun, as a 40 year old mom to three stinky, yellow poopers, i am sorry for ya... when the child is in their 20's...like mine are now... you WILL sit back and laugh about this... i do now...

2:11 PM  
Anonymous fidget said...

oh and I just threw Levi's swim trunks out because he EXPLODED after exiting the disney port orleans hotel pool. Exploded might be too much of an understatement... it was bad. He's nearly 2 mind you.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Assertagirl said...

I totally picture this happening at BP, but since I was there on Saturday night, I'm guessing it was another place. HBF sure knew how to manage, didn't he?

2:14 PM  
Blogger O'Neal (The woman in charge around here) said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! I was cringing and feeling horrible for you because I know EXACTLY how that is as I have been there so many times myself. All I can say is take out until they are 12 is a great resort!

2:14 PM  
Blogger Amelia Sprout said...

We had a similar incident involving our first real pediatrician visit and some serious spitup. I never forgot the diaper bag when going to the Dr. again. And I agree with super ninja mommy, I would so rather have breastmilk poops than this half chewn rotten green beans of the full solid eater I have. I have never wanted to potty train early so badly.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Amy - we tried to go to BP, but there was an interminable wait, so we went across the street to Kelsey's. Consider it your good fortune.

2:43 PM  
Blogger zchamu said...

Oh. Oh my.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

thank goodness your husband was smart enough to have that glass of wine waiting for you!

2:57 PM  
Blogger daysgoby said...

Holy fishsticks, Batman!

2:57 PM  
Blogger Mama Smurf said...

I'm sorry but I'm laughing too darn hard to even come up with a witty comment...

Laughing with(?) you of course...

And there's just a smidge of "mwahahaha" in there of relief that those days are over for me.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Leanne said...

Well at least the man had enough sense to be handing you some wine as you sat down. I hope you had a second glass!

2:59 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Oh WOW!!! I feel for you & can absolutely relate. I was just recently on a road trip with my 4 month old son and tried to change his poopy diaper on the front seat of the mini ... yeah, it was totally awesome when he pooped all over my hand! The thing that makes me laugh is imagining my husband in that scenario (or your poopscapade in the restaurant), he's a champ and all but still ...

Thanks for sharing.

Ps. I'm totally stealing "poopocalypse now" ... zomg awesome!

3:02 PM  
Blogger kaila said...

I think most mothers can relate to your story of poopacalypse, but not everyone can paint it as beautifully and perfectly as you have.

3:02 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Your husband must be a pretty brilliant man.

I was just sitting down to a bowl of Acorn Squash Soup...and now I think I'm going to skip that.

3:02 PM  
Blogger LawMommy said...

Oh. Wow. I am impressed that you didn't burst into tears in the bathroom. I had a similar experience in a Bob Evan's outside of Indianapolis, although I was ALREADY in tears, and was interrupted by three grandmothers, who came in, assessed, left, and returned with a pack of wet ones that one of them had in their car. To this day I think of them as the three fairy godmother's in Disney's Sleeping Beauty.

I do have a poop story - it's posted here: http://adventuresoflawmommy.blogspot.com/2007/07/poopa-story-warningdo-not-read-if-you.html

Your husband is a brilliant man for getting that glass of wine.

3:27 PM  
Blogger KayleighJeanne said...

Don't worry, I have yet to meet an actual real live person who keeps more than one or two diapers in their car and diaper bag combined. And wipes? Pfft, like I can even find them at home.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shit happens but kudos to hubby for having a glass of wine ready for you .... now *that's* a good man.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous bessie.viola said...

SO FUNNY. I laugh because I have been there... I have also been the momma of the baby positively FOUNTAINING spitup. In church. All over her Easter dress. 3 weeks postpartum, when the whole congregation was checking out my first-timer skills. Fun times!

As the result of that experience, I am now the freak who keeps a full box of wipes and a few stray diapers in the car. (Granted, they might not be the right SIZE at any given point, yet - diapers!)

3:42 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I have wiped my toddlers ass with my own shirt, and then thrown it away, at the Disneyland hotel. I have had the older kids run back and forth, wetting paper towels in the Barns and Noble bathroom. I have put a princess pull up on my 4 WEEK OLD BOY. So, no. I carry nothing I need.

Stories?
How about the time I was nursing a 2 week old, as my son did his naked "I am holding in my shit dance because that little potty in the corner of the living room is too scary to sit on, and I would feel way more comfortable shitting right here, on the floor, while you nurse, and have your hands tied". And so he began to shit...and while continuing to nurse, I got up and pulled him to his potty, slipping in his shit, FALLING in his shit, STILL NURSING, sliding his shitty body onto the potty,now covered in his shit, and proceeded to say, while STILL NURSING AND COVERED IN SHIT, "Great job, honey! You pooped in the potty!"

I also liked the time my son couldn't make it to the bathroom at a Christmas party at my friends house, and he pooped a nice round poop, that fell through his pants legs, and landed in the hallway. We tried to grab a towel and pick it up before it was noticed, only another guest walked down the hall and STEPPED IN IT. We said NOTHING,and heard the man later saying, "Wow. Smells like someone here needs a diaper change!"

3:43 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, god, Laura - that confronting shit while nursing infant thing? EXACT same thing happened here. I was so traumatized that I couldn't even write about it.

Also, I once put a toddler swim-pant pull up on Jasper. He was six weeks old.

3:48 PM  
OpenID geeklady said...

WOW.

My son has shot poop 3 feet out of his butt and across the bathroom. Twice. On my birthday. (I had to clean the OUTSIDE of the diaper pail, twice, which is just wrong.) He has pooped out of his clothes in the middle of Mass, in the Rio Grande valley where the church had no discernable bathroom.

But never anything like that.

Lemme know if you want one of these (http://www.flickr.com/photos/geeklady/2907321585/in/photostream/). I have another chunk of fleece left that I don't know what to do with.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

No, you are not the only parent who goes out without supplies. I never have diapers or wipes or extra clothes with me. Who the hell has that much space to carry all that stuff around? I actually have two terrible poo stories. One was when my daughter shit all over the shopping cart at babies r us. Fortunately we were at the baby mecca and simply bought her new clothes to wear. The next was when my husband was changing my son at my mother's house and in mid change a projectile poops and it lands on my parent's couch. I'm serious, it shot across the room. I've never seen anything like that, and I've seen a lot of poop. Nothing quite like a shit stained sofa. My parents were calm about it and had the sofa cleaned, but it was very embarrassing.

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

OMG!! I can top that. Imagine if you will, twins...sick...with the runs...and vomiting...while on a 6-hour car trip. I had to take the covers off both car seats and put blankets in place of them. Had to change baby clothes 4 times on each child. I had to clean the back of the car seats (still backward facing babies). I had to clean barf out of my hair. I had to change my clothes in a public restroom at a truck stop (just imagine the looks I was getting coming in covered in baby formula barf and poo stains on my pants). I ended up paying to have my entire car professionally cleaned after reaching our destination because the car was not drivable for days from the smell. Horrible experience. I cried for about 5 out of the 6 hours...so did the boys. Thank God my mom was traveling with me instead of my hubby because he turns green at the smell of formula vomit...

4:03 PM  
Blogger albe said...

I have one poop story that embarrassed me because it displayed my total ineptitude for my entire family.

I have twins and we were traveling with them when they were 7 months old. We took a little side trip to my dad's lake cabin in the middle of nowhere for a couple of days. Just as we were getting ready to leave we went to change their diapers and I saw that both babies had had an explosive poop that got over everything, their legs, their clothes, my clothes, etc.

I wiped them up and reached for new diapers and...no more diapers. I couldn't find any more diapers in our suitcase, in the car, in the diaper bag, we were clean out! In my defense we use cloth so we had only bought disposables for the trip and I obviously had no clue how many diapers twins go through.

So we had two naked babies and no diapers and a 2-hour drive to get back to civilization (so no stores nearby), and my dad and stepmom and sisters are looking at me like I'm an idiot for not having enough diapers. We ended up fastening burp cloths together with safety pins as a makeshift diaper and digging out their recent wet (but not poopy) disposable diapers as makeshift wraps. Gross, and boy did I feel like a complete moron!

4:15 PM  
Anonymous daniloth (Dawn) said...

I have not yet experience poopocalypse, but with a 4 month old girl, I face with stoicism the day.

However, I must share my cousin's story, called, "The First Poo of the Rest of Your Life."

Act I, in which our hero has not pooped for a couple of days, and HeroDad and HeroMom are scheduled to attend HeroCousin's graduation dinner.
Act II, in which said dinner, resplendant with poofy, sparkly gown, ill fitting tuxedos, and various extended family members, takes place in small town gymnasium. Midway through dinner, annoyed with HeroDad's sloppy eating habits, HeroMom comments on the gravy(!) he has spilled on the table. HeroDad retorts that there is no gravy involved in this ham dinner, and horrified realizations dawn on all.
Act III, in which our hero is carried, at arms length and dripping poo, down the miniscule aisle between tables, whilst HeroMom calls out, "You need to move unless you want babyshit on you." Our hero is then stripped and bathed in the lockerroom sink.

Really, I can't wait for the day...

4:15 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

GeekLady - that is AWESOME. Yes, WANT.

(wherever did you find that fabric?)

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

It's not perhaps as publicly embarrassing as your poop incident, but Allena has a pretty darned funny how-to posted from a while back on her blog:
http://thethreeringranch.com/allena/?cat=22

4:19 PM  
Blogger becky w. said...

I don't have any baby poop stories, just toddler in various stages of potty training. Once we were at the park. I was swinging my infant daugter and my 2 1/2 yr old son, who wasn't yet totally trained and at least once a day had a BM in his pants, and whom I hadn't made use the toilet before we left the house to go to the park, was across the playground on top of the climby thingy with some other kids and lots of moms looking on. All of a sudden I hear, "MOMMY I JUST POOPED IN MY PANTS!" And then a million moms ran to grasp their children away from the evil clutches of my son's poop germs all over the play equipment. So we went to the car and needless to say I had no backup, and there was poop down to his socks. I stripped him and thankfully found a towel to wipe him down with and sit on for the short ride home. His pants, underwear and socks were left under the car because I couldn't find a trash can. Or anything else in the car to wrap them up in. I know, ewwww. I haven't shown my face at that playground ever since!

4:26 PM  
Blogger Mind of MadMan said...

My daugther and I back in early 80's so none of the friendly bathrooms of today, as i was holding her she cut loose one of the loudest farts know to Men in good standing in farthood. I felt the duriable diaper give on the sides as I realized that it was a loose on. It was not summer and we where in a bookstore. First everyone looked at me with "the look" and of course i said "that wasn't me. it was her!!" Too late the words had already came out and the glares of "satisfaction" feeled the room. "asshole.. blaming his kid." Some on muttered as I now felt the warmth of stench of a fresh baby poo coming into my hand, past her one piece and down my shirt. Ohh did I mention this was picture day?? I stopped in teh bookstore/section to read while waiting for "our turn." It never came. i took the long strool through the mall smelling like a mix of processed breast milk. I never ever left home again without 2 changes of clothes for both of us and Many, many diapers in a nice backpack. This kid #1 almost ruined it for the next eight.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

That is quite the poop story!

I have gotten quite lazy about keeping the diapers current that are stashed in my minivan. I realized this when I went to drop the kids off at a babysitter so that I could have a doctor's appointment with out the kids. I had forgotten to grab the diaper bag on the way out and handed the babysitter two diapers that were a size too small and no wipes. Luckily Harry did not need to be changed so we were golden. I made sure to update the car diapers a few days later.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

I've had to use the thinnest, scratchiest bathroom toilet paper, the kind that isn't even one-ply, it's like half-ply, to clean up my poopy sons in restaurant bathrooms. You're lucky the restaurant had a sink you could fill up-most of them these days have those automatic faucets that won't turn on unless you wave your hands frantically underneath for a good ten seconds.

And I once left a poop-soaked onesie and a pair of pants wrapped in paper towels and stuffed into the trashcan at the Mall bathroom, and wheeled my son, in just a diaper, in his paper-towel lined stroller down to the Children's Place to buy him a new outfit. It was that bad of a blow-out. Good times.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous lizneust said...

Okay, I just commented on the names post, but I guess I'm leaving two in one day.

We were on an airplane - 4 hour trip - and I was in the middle of nursing her. I've been given an aisle seat, which was fine, but I'm a cover-up while nursing type, which made the whole thing a bit tricky. Then the rumble started. She was 3 months and had been constipated for days. The stench was incredible and the rumbling just continued on and on. Soon I felt the wet coming through on my hand.

Fortunately, my husband was across the aisle, so I made him my operating room nurse. He had wipes, diapers and a huge plastic bag at the ready. He also put a receiving blanket under my feet. Once I was convinced I could pull her off boob without squalling, I readjusted myself and began stripping as fast as I could. He held the plastic bag across the aisle - people in 3 rows either direction were starting to cough. Once stripped, I began wiping her down. I think at one point I actually had her clutched between my knees because I needed both hands to wipe and strip. I then re diapered her on my lap, redressed her, and handed her off to my husband and FLED for the restroom in the back.

When I got back to my seat, my husband said the lady in the row behind him commented that I deserved a medal or a black belt or something for that performance. I *wanted* a scotch.

We've all been there - sounds like you handled it really well.

4:49 PM  
Blogger Momily said...

i keep a supply of wipes and diapers in each car after a very shitty experience, but they're only handy if you are close enough to the car to access them AND smart enought to remember to restock the vehicles with both wipes and the right size diapers! So "good luck with that" is right.

I had a very similar poo experience to yours in an Indian restuarant. I knew my son had badly soiled himself but did not realize the full extent until AFTER i began changing him in the washroom. My realization occured when i noticed that someone had spilled butter chicken sauce all over the bathroom floor . . . then realized it was actually the overflow from my son's diaper!!! We had literally left a trail behind us a la Hansel and Gretel and there was no way to tackle it in the restuarant proper as the floor was covered in wall to wall persian carpet!!

4:50 PM  
Blogger Goldfish said...

I don't know if it's worse... but about six months ago my 4-month old had a giant mustardy blowout in the checkout line at the local WalMart. So I left a cartload of purchased merchandise outside the bathroom and took the babe and my three-year old into the bathroom. I ended up with poop all over me, had NO butt-wipes (yeah, it happens to me too), and as I stood there with a naked slimy poopy baby and no real plan, the three-year old made a break for it and took off into the wilds of WalMart. Naked poopy baby and I went to fetch him, left my diaper bag in the bathroom, found the preschooler, hauled him back to the bathroom (so now he's poop-smeared, too), finished the best I could with paper towels and a clean diaper, and somehow got everything to the car. Where I found that, when I left the diaper bag in the bathroom, my cell phone had been stolen. Idiot left my wallet, though. I was pretty sure I was the worst mother in the world that day.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Goldfish: that? is most def worse.

The 3 year old escapes washroom while you're poo wrangling? I gasped out loud reading that.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember one blowout my daughter had was so bad, I just threw the clothes away in the restroom. Thankfully we had a change of clothing with us. And yes, I agree with your friend, I always keep a few diapers and a change of clothes in the car for the kids - except that sometimes you use that stuff up and you don't remember to replace it that very minute and you know the day the supplies are gone is the day it'll all fall apart on you!!!!lol

Julie

5:04 PM  
Blogger Mary G said...

Laughing with you -- and the projectile poop stories too. Don't have one that beats hitting the couch, though.
Wonderful! Only on badladies do you find forty five funny poop comments. I do love you.

5:12 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I tend to be overprepared by nature, but there have been those times when it turned out that the wipes had dried out (can be reanimated with water, bo big thang), that the diapers were a bit small (but close enough), or that the clothes had been grown out of (we've made do with some odd outfits or partial outfits...). This, though... you poor dear. You really earned that wine. Smart HBF.

The Bun has, so far, managed to pee right in Mist4erpie's face and once hose down the nursing station thoroughly at the doctor's, and has shot poo some distance, but I am waiting for the true nightmare still. I'll let you know when it happens!

5:16 PM  
OpenID geeklady said...

Nuts, I bought that fabric almost ten years ago (ouch, feel old now) because it was awesome, and made a laundry bag out of it when I couldn't figure out what to do with it. I never used that, so I cut it up and used half to make the changing pad and half to make a mei tai.

I'll find some other suitably awesome fabric for you. I should make a second one and take photos for an Instructables anyway.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Booba Juice said...

LMAO---I hear you, and I understand! As a mother of two, I have been there. My favorite poop story, is from when my oldest was just a few days old. My husband is changing her on the couch, and I am sitting across the room with our neighbor who had come by to see the baby. All of the sudden, my husband, who is holding said little ones legs, as he cleans her bottom, points them off to the side as poop is arcing across the room. And she was always like that. It didn't matter what you did, if you took her diaper off to clean her, she was going to poop some more.

Same daughter, jump forward to potty training, (which we still have not mastered.) I notice that she has gotten very quite playing with her toys. I walk over, and she has poo all over every where. At first I thought that she had just taken off her diaper and was playing in it...but no, she was trying to change her own pull up.

And to the wonderful friend who believes it will be diffrent for them, that they will always be prepared... well, paybacks a bitch!

5:41 PM  
Blogger Jenera said...

And I thought I HAD some bad poop stories. But nope, I bow down to you as the poop master.

5:48 PM  
Blogger sam {temptingmama} said...

We had an incident at Jack Astor's with barf. Not that you can ever have supplies for that.

I always am lacking in the supplies department. (which you know since you gave me diapers, LOL)

I think I love HBF more now. My husband would never think to have wine ready. That, my friend, is TRUE LOVE!

5:58 PM  
Blogger coopkeeper said...

Always said the same thing as your grad student...when I have kids, blah, blah, blah.

So, when God decided to get me back for that we were at the neighborhood Christmas party being held at a local supper club. Realized as we got there we had 1 wrinkly diaper...but we should be fine, right? No. Biggest. Nastiest. Stinkiest. Poop in the world. Fortunately for all around, she's just old enough to announce to everyone around us that she has a ginormous poop in her pants. Sure that made for lovely dinner conversation! Had to take stinky child with me to the car, find the wadded up diaper (for emergencies of course). No wipes. Had to use wet paper towels. Lovely.

Don't worry about your student...karma has a way of catching up with us :).

6:03 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Some day, in the distant future, you WILL laugh at this incident.

I promise.

You don't have any idea how many memories closely resembling this one you just brought back for me!

6:13 PM  
Blogger - Kellie said...

We've had a variety of gross times with no proper equipment available but the worst poop one was when DD2 was about 4 months old. We were out to dinner, sitting outside on the patio, when we started hearing "the noise", along with her red, teary-eyed face. Turns out she'd pooped through the diaper, through her clothes, through the carseat pad, out of the carseat itself, into the patio chair and onto the floor. Thank goodness we were *outside*.

The grossest poop stories though are how many times we've been eating a meal and had the people next to us change their children's diapers On The Table. WTF?

6:51 PM  
Blogger Designher Momma said...

but did you ever think while you were knee deep in it that "this will make an execellent post"?...

6:52 PM  
Blogger Lotta said...

Oh I feel for you! Those are the worst.

My husband and I had our child with us in Mexico. Husband decided to go hanggliding with the room key in his pocket. In the meantime, my son made a shit burrito out of his car seat carrier. Shit blew out of his ass and up around all sides of him in the carrier.

I carried him into the pool's teeny tiny bathroom with a teeny tiny pedestal sink and tried my best to wash him and his seat cover off. I got many dirty looks by the other hotel guests!

6:53 PM  
Blogger Stimey said...

Seriously, after reading this, it's like I was there. I am so sorry about the Poopocalypse.

I have also had many poop horrorshows, many with my third son who has been chronically constipated since he was a weeny baby.

The most dramatic was when his doctors thought the "stool ball" in his intestines was a tumor and admitted him to the children's hospital for ultrasounds and cat scans.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

That's a hilarious story, but honestly?...I'm doubling up on my birth control pill this month!

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly C said...

Returning from a weekend trip to my MIL's house, I am sick. I stop at a walgreens to buy cold meds. I come out, my husband is kinda smirking in this horrified way- he says "we have a problem" I look in the car. 6 month old daughter in carseat, covered in green bean poo. COVERED, mind you, all the way to the hairline. SMILING. I grab the diaper bag, instruct husband to grab the seat, we all go inside. I stake out the bathroom (women's) and lock the door, partially dismantle the carseat to clean, get hubby to rinse child off in bathroom sink and get the child bediapered again. Turns out? Probably wouldn't have been so bad but my MIL? apparently thought it was mean to make those tabs tight on the child. I was damn near making them touch in the middle at the time, she had them stuck at the kid's hips. I now check every diaper that I would POSSIBLY have to change after my MIL, and also make sure that she is wearing more than a diaper when we leave anywhere.(did I mention that this was the first and last time that I took the kid out in a car seat without even a t shirt on?)

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Veronica said...

My first baby in a Baby Bjorn at the library. All over her, all over me, turn-of-the-century bathroom with no changing table. It was a nightmare.

And the only way I have ever had an extra package of diapers in the car is if I forgot it was there.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Giggles was a master poo-er. that child would blow out every diaper she had on (or so it would seem) One such instance when she was about 5 months old we were on an airplane (a very crowded airplane) Where I had brought her carseat on board with me thinking that she would just snooze thru the whole flight. (ummm, wrong!) And it wasn't one of those cute infant seats it was one of those huge, "oh why in the hell was I trying to save a couple of bucks" convertible car seat.

Giggles was bawking and squirming and so i took her out of the seat. The back of her head felt a bit damp, I went to take off her sweater only to realize that wasn't sweat on her head it was poo. A thick layer all the way up her back into her hair, down her left leg and into her shoes. All over the carseat, and now all over my lap.

We were the closest to the window, so I had to wrangle the bag, the baby and myself to the row so I could get to the washroom. Which was less than pleasant because a rather large man enjoying several whoppers was rather upset that I was making him move with my poo covered baby.

Getting to the washroom was not fun, and inside the washroom....GAH!! It is nearly impossible to change a very active baby in there. And those clothes that I put in my bag thinking I was prepared....didn't fit, they probably didn't even fit her when she was born.

But the wonder of it all was when I got the diaper opened, only a tiny little spot, I have no idea why it was all blown out. And I was too upset to care!

P.S. I remained stained until we reached our destination 2 hours later and this was the same trip in which I stuck her to the boob on the descend to help with her ears and when the popped she bit down with her bottom teeth that just came in. I still have 2 little half moon scars on the left breast 13.5 years later.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly C said...

BTW, my MIL is wonderful, really. The only problem that I could ever really have with her is that she doesn't put diapers on the kid quite right- so minor, not worth complaining about, she IS getting better and all, blah blah blah :)

7:39 PM  
Blogger doubleagentgirl said...

Oh darling! I'd squeeze you, but I have that mental image of Smithers and Monty Burns bathtub scene... slippery business.

Funny we should both write about poo, more or less...

7:39 PM  
OpenID geeklady said...

I read all of these comments, and I'm more and more thankful I picked the not-so-fashionable diaper bag with the big waterproof (and poop-proof) pocket.

7:56 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

I'm kind of the obnoxious 'that mom', who tends to keep the car and pushchair well stocked and lends out stuff to others in such emergencies.

I even carry winnie the pooh bandaids. Sad, no?

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Jerri Ann said...

No ma'am, there is no such story out there that can be worse than that, I'm sure of it.

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Susan Getgood said...

My worst memory is of a flight back from Europe when Douglas was one. We had been in Europe for 2 weeks, and were flying back Paris to Zurich then Zurich to Boston. Our flight from Zurich ended up delayed 6 hours and we started to run out of supplies. To boot, Doug wasn't feeling that well.

They sell lots of things at airports. In May 2001 diapers were not among them. Luckily the people at the swissair club took pity on us and let us hang out even thought they really didn't have reciprocity with the airline club I belonged to at the time. And we made it home with no diapers to spare.

8:23 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm laughing because I've been there. And I'll probably be there again. Blowouts are the best!

I just leave the diaper bag in the car because if I don't I forget it at home every time.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh yeah, baby. Do I have a poo story? Oh, do I ever: http://tinyurl.com/5hhu97

8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep, been there with my firstborn. Except my little darling was a girl and the baby changing "station" was in a stall. So when I finally stripped her naked, I had nothing to put under her (because the paper towels are by the sinks and I was in stall). So, when I laid her down, barebacked on the station, poo got everywhere. I had enough wipes to clean her, but not the station. Couldn't put the clean diaper on her until the station was clean, so I'm carrying her naked around the ladies room, one-arming as you say, to gather up soapy paper towels, wet paper towels and dry paper towels. As soon as I cleaned the surface and laid her down to put on her diaper on her, she immediately peed and the pee ran all the way up her back and into her hair.

The only thing I did right in the entire scenario was that I did not lock the stall door, so when the nice old ladies walked in to her eardrum puncturing shrieking, they could see that I wasn't harming her, which is what it sounded like I was doing when I was actually just trying to clean her.

Those sweet old ladies kept saying, "Poor thing." I think they were talking about me.

--Denise

8:54 PM  
Anonymous egm said...

My husband and I were in New York with our children, then 5 and about 18 months old. My husband had just accepted a job in the city, and since I had never even been there before (I'm brave like that), I thought it might be time to check it out. It was freezing in the way that only big cities can be in February, with the wind whipping around the corners at every turn. We had dressed both children in many, many layers in an effort to keep them comfortable, but it made trips to the bathroom very difficult.

We were fine until we stopped for lunch in a restaurant near Times Square. I took my son for a quick change, only to discover a situation similar to your (unfortunate, but incredibly funny) experience with Jasper. I had wipes, diapers, the whole bit, but we ended up going through everything I had along with almost every paper towel in the place. The only clothes I could salvage were the emergency set crammed into the furthest recesses of the diaper bag, which were woefully inadequate to the current weather conditions.

The only thing I remember from the rest of the day is walking up and down the streets of New York looking for anything resembling a children's clothing store where I could buy him something, anything to keep him warm. We ended up buying a souvenir blanket and heading back to Connecticut to our hotel as quickly as we could.

9:22 PM  
Blogger April said...

I am *loving* this comment thread, as it makes me feel SOOOO much better that I'm not alone in this big poopy world of babies and toddlers.

Just last month while visiting my parents, Hubs and I went to the mall with my dad. We had in tow our two boys (Baby-6mo & Toddler-22mo). We decided to go to the Towne Center Mall in Boca Raton (read = super hoity toity) and I had the brilliant idea to take my parents car, so we wouldn't have to pay gas and tolls. I asked hubs to throw the car seats and strollers into the car. *brilliant*

When we got to the mall I discovered Hubs brought two umbrella strollers from my parents garage, rather than our regular set of wheels. Eh, no biggy, we can work with that. Baby was sleeping, so we rigged the infant car seat onto an umbrella stroller and threw Toddler into the second stroller. Things were going smoooothly!

We walked around for about half an hour and then decided to hit the food court. Baby slept through lunch and just as we were heading out he started to stir. He woke up abruptly and was clearly unhappy, so I reached over and pulled him out of the carrier. As I pulled him out, I expressed to Hubs that he must be fussing because he's so hot - I mean he's soaked in sweat! heh. Or, not. I looked down at my arm and it was schmeared from wrist to elbow in mustard poo. I looked down at the carrier and there was a POOL of mustard poo in the seat.

*f-ck*

I did not panic. I asked Hubs to hand me a diaper and some wipes from my purse. "What purse? I didn't grab your purse from the house. We're only window shopping, I didn't think you'd need it."

*f-ck*

I did not panic. I asked Hubs to hand me a diaper and wipes from one of the emergency bags I keep in each of our strollers. "What emergency bags? These aren't the strollers we usually use."

*f-ck*

I did not panic. I asked Hubs to run to the car and get diapers and wipes from the bag I keep under the seat. Diapers would be too small, but we could make do. "We didn't take our car, remember?"

*f-ck*

I totally panic.

At this point I am frozen - completely and utterly at a loss for how to proceed. Dad begins mopping up poo from the baby seat with the baby's socks (?!). Hubs is pouring apple juice on a napkin and using it to wipe the exposed parts of my poo laden arm, while Toddler has discovered someone's (melted) unfinished vanilla ice cream and is (unsuccessfully) feeding himself (along with his shirt, pants, hair and ears). And I --- I am panicking.

Ignoring piercing stares of many a Mrs. Christian Dior, Mr. Izod and Baby Vitton, I take a deeptell my father to cease and desist with the sock agenda and instruct Hubs to deal with Toddler. I notice one of the umbrella strollers has a small mesh pocket on the back that is bulging (something's in there!!!!)

I empty the contents of said bag onto the table and find the following: 1. baby wearing device, 2. really really really dirty cloth diaper (Baby has reflux) & 3. newborn diaper (SCORE!)

Dad (my white knight) steps in and takes (SIX MONTH OLD) Baby and newborn diaper from me and says I can handle this, you deal with your arm and the baby seat. So, I did... I got a cup of water and a load of napkins and did my best to clean my arm and the seat (still in the middle of the food court!). I lined the car sear with the dirty cloth diaper (better than the alternative...), Hubs wiped up sticky Toddler and several minutes later Dad reappeared with Baby.

I don't know how he managed to wash Baby so well in the food court men's bathroom, but Baby was like brand-spankin' new. I probably don't want to know how he did it, either, as I'm sure it required some maneuvering that I, as Baby's mother, would not want to see. Baby looked completely ridiculous in BULGING newborn diaper, but he was clean and happy and otherwise nekkid. Dad handed Hubs a wad of paper towels which contained the soiled clothing and I put nekkid baby into the baby wearing device. Thank goodness he was still ok with the Snugli, because that diaper would NOT have stayed on any other way.

We then proceeded to walk the length of the mall (of course we parked nowhere near the food court) back to the car. Guess who pooed on the way back to the car? Ha. Poor Toddler had to sit in it the whole 45 minute car ride home. And, worse, we had to smell it.

If you thought this novel was over, well, you're wrong. Mom was visiting last weekend and I pulled an umbrella stroller out of her car for Toddler while we were out. Guess what came tumbling from the stroller when I opened it? Yep. Month old paper towel wrapped poo soaked (and now mildewed) baby clothes. Mmmmmm.

I don't think it topped your experience since I did not have to partake in the dreaded bathroom part of the story (although... I have been there, rest assured), but, it's my most recent poo horror and I hope it makes you feel a little better :-)

Sorry for the Great American Novel.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Absolutely laughing my a$$ off at these stories. Nothing so bad on our front, but definitely had our days of swimming in poo in the car seat.

And I'm chronically short of supplies. Going on three and a half years, you'd think I'd have learned. Apparently not.

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Marianne said...

I'm of the be-prepared school, so I keep plenty of supplies in the car, and an extra disposible in my purse.

But then, I've only had one poopy blow-out in the entire first year of my daughter's life. I attribute it to two things: cloth diapers and a daughter who rarely poos and in fact is usually on the constiapted side.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Robbin said...

Oh. Girl. I have SO been there.

My son, while he was maybe not the most voluminous pooper, was DEFINITELY, HANDS-DOWN, the most creative. He could poop outside both sides of his diaper and leave the middle pristine.

And I? I gave birth for the first time at 40. Alzheimers was already setting in at that point, and my child's butt has seen many, many applications of brown kraft paper towel and sanitary hand soap.

I never bring snacks or toys either. I could blame it on breastfeeding, since I WAS the snack for so long. Or I could just put it off to my "fend for yourself, kid" brand of motherhood. But honestly? I am just an airhead.

9:45 PM  
Blogger April said...

This post TOTALLY deserves an award. So I gave you one. Here: http://aprilslittlefamily.blogspot.com/2008/10/mommy-rant-award_20.html.

It's not some stupid meme (oops, did I say that?) and you don't have to pass it along, or link me or any other garbage. Just revel in the fact that you made my night and I want other people to read you and enjoy you :-)

10:03 PM  
Blogger MemeGRL said...

Um...yah, NO, you are not the only one.
In fact, after five years of needing diapers for my kids, you'd think that before I chuck the diaper bag in the car, I would see if it held--yup--diapers.
That's a negative, ghostrider. Never thought to look.
On an overnight trip with toddlers.
At least CVS is open all night.

10:16 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

DesignHer Momma - I actually thought OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER WRITE ABOUT THIS (as I did some months ago when face with my 2 and a half year old shitting on the floor while I nursed my newborn and wept), simply because it seemed to defy description. Obvz, I overcame that ;)

10:17 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

april - you're so sweet ;)

10:18 PM  
Blogger Rachael said...

There are upsides to having a baby who is constipated all the time - I never had a horrible craptastrophy, and I feel lucky. I'm just... sorry.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

Oo. Oooh. Oh no.

11:34 PM  
Anonymous Nikki said...

My husband was in the military and had received orders to go to Germany. He left a month before we did due to waiting on passports. I thought I was prepared for the flight. A large can of formula, 3 bottles, 4 spoons, 4 jars of baby food, new packages of wipes and diapers, 3 outfits for him and about 4 burp rags. Considering this is an overnight flight and my son was only 6 months old I thought I had over prepared. However, I forgot to pack some clothes for me. His diaper leaked all over me while looking for the gate to our second plane...which of course was still in the states, and then while feeding him his last bottle for the night he proceeded to get sick all over me. It was not a good nights sleep. But thanks to the couple sitting next to me and the flight crew it was tolerable. On our flight home, I made sure to pack a set of clothes for both of us just in case.

11:36 PM  
Blogger worldmomma said...

Gross poop story: http://worldmomma.blogspot.com/2008/08/disgustingus-maximus.html

and follow-up: http://worldmomma.blogspot.com/2008/09/disgustingus-maximus-repeat.html

Oh yeah, then there was the time he was 3 weeks old and we were at a museum. Went to the bathroom to change him, thinking it would be a normal change - found absolutely everything covered in slime. He screamed for breastmilk, I had to feed him. Guy knocks on door waiting for bathroom. I walk out with naked baby on the boob in January. We didn't have any spare clothes with us and had to take him to the car and to dinner wrapped in a blanket. Those fun early days!:)

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Sharon said...

I think I have so many bad poop (and barf - my boy was a major, major vomiter until we figured out at 14 mos(!) that he had reflux) stories that I've pretty much blocked them out. But one thing I've learned is that other mom's out there are VERY sympathetic and when my poopers were little, there were many times that I lent and borrowed wipes and diapers from total strangers. Also, I actually wised up with my 2nd and did keep a whole package of diapers in the car, but that doesn't mean I actually REPLACED them when I ran out ;-). I generally keep 'ugly' outfits in the car for my kids and my daughter has driven around in shorts and a parka in cold weather. My kids also learned early the expression "let's go commando!"

11:39 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I am sorry this happened to you but I am thrilled that I am not the only parent who leaves the house assuming everything I need is all ready in the half ass packed back pack we use as a diaper bag.

Thanks for the laughs!

11:41 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Less mustard. More peas.

CJ shat herself in the Mouse House (fitting, isn't it?) at the Bronx Zoo on Easter Sunday 2005. Stem to stern, and while I did have a spare dipe, I had no spare clothes. A kind woman observed our predicament and GAVE us her set of spare clothes. In 3.5+ years I have not forgotten her.

11:54 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Um, no.

I do not have a worse poo story. I don't know if anyone does.

And that means that it can only get better from here. I wish you a far less shitty time from here on in. It's been earned in spades.

12:12 AM  
Blogger Mia said...

Well. I can only say, YOU GO MOM! Men have no idea what we go through, what we do, what catastrophies we correct. AND, they could never do it. Standing there, holding everything/one still as if trying desperately to freeze time and find the rewind button...yeah, been there. Though I do have to honestly say, that on this one, the mustard's all yours!

12:13 AM  
Blogger illahee said...

i don't have a worse story, though my four day old shitting across the bed in the clinic was embarrassing enough (most normal births in japan include five days in the clinic postpartum.) had to tell the cleaning crew, who had already changed the sheets that morning, but maybe they're used to that.

and leaky diapers on my clothes? only at home. (leaky diaper) once or twice in the car seat. when it was something important? i don't remember, so probably not.

but i forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME. and i have three now, you'd think i would have it down by now. nope. idiot mother am i. *sigh*

2:54 AM  
Anonymous Adrenalynn said...

Oh my! I hope you can appreciate that I laughed my behind off reading this story! And that's probably because I CAN RELATE. I haven't had an experience quite as bad as this, but a few ones that were close enough. And yes, I have more than once found myself standing in the middle of a public toilet without as much as a single wipe-or a clean diaper, for that matter. I remember having to scrub down my eldest son's car seat once - on a ROAD TRIP, outside a crappy restaurant - and after changing him on the floor of a really tiny and DIRTY bathroom in said restaurant while he was screaming like nothing I've heard before or since, putting him right back in the soaking wet seat wearing nothing but a diaper. So much fun.

3:34 AM  
Blogger May-B said...

You are a brave and dedicated woman. More have crumbled under less.

At a family reunion, my brother (then 2) sat quietly in the bed of a truck and ate a flat box of cherries. Pits and all. He spent the rest of the day's events loudly pooping cherry pits out the side of his diaper. My mother remained embarrassed until the days she died.

5:56 AM  
Blogger Mrs C said...

No. Your colleague has no idea and you can laugh at her later when the shit hits the fan.

Shit happens and you can't always be prepared for it. The best you can do is suck it up. Which you did. Bravo!

Sorry about the too many poop puns.

5:57 AM  
Blogger Mrs C said...

And suck it up was a bad word choice. Sorry.

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not sure which experience was worse. Son #1 exploded while being changed. I managed to clean the poop off the change table, off the floor, off my leg and even off the wall but when my husband came in and asked me what was on my face I almost died. Yes, I missed the poop on my forehead! Son #2 decided at 6 weeks to explode in his diaper on the airplane. Changing a baby covered from head to toe in poop in a bathroom on an airplane with no change table is a huge challenge! Memories!!!

6:21 AM  
Blogger rantsalamode said...

Wow, this is the side of motherhood people rarely talk about....

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Shannon said...

All parents have been there. And if they say they haven't? They're lying. I"m a pretty organized person and I usually plan ahead. But there are always those moments when you thought there still was ONE diaper in the car but there wasn't, or your hubby was going to refill teh wipes container before you leave the house and he forgot (or I did). Either way, these things happen. And I think it's some kind of scientific law that the poop must always exceed the amount of wipes available to clean it up.

7:27 AM  
Blogger Jaywalker said...

Oh, so very much. You are NOT alone. I usually ended up wiping their poocalypse (great word) bums With. My. Socks. Or some skanky piece of paper from the bottom of my handbag, while giant groups of elderly ladies queued up behind me to tut and whisper.

The description of your frankly AWESOME skills faced with this is proof that you are the jack bauer of mothers.

9:08 AM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

I have no worse story than that.

We don't keep diapers in the car, but we are pretty good about making sure the diaper bag is stocked before we leave, and definitely before we go into a restaurant, for fear of exactly what happened to you.

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Motherhood Uncensored said...

Holy Shit (hah).

The only thing we've had is the emergency pull over and pee in a decrepid disgusting outhouse with toddler and weeeeeeee baby and no toilet paper (used my shirt I did I did).

10:20 AM  
Anonymous Tabitha (From Single to Married) said...

I have no story to share fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) but that was hysterical! You poor thing...

10:46 AM  
Blogger Erin, Nick and Merrick said...

I def do not have any stories to top this- but I have had the mustard poo coming up out of the top of shorts- in a restaurant- and toddler REFUSES to get on the restroom changing table- so I am forced to change the diaper while he is STANDING in the restroom---HORRIBLE.
I have dealt with same sick toddler, who had MAJOR diaheraa for a few days- I, the smartest mommy ever, put said toddler down for a nap while I then nap myself. I wake up 1 hour later to check on toddler- to find him: 1. Passed out face down asleep, 2. In NO diaper (he had pulled it down like pants, so it was now around his ankles, 3. COVERED in POOP---and not just him, the walls, the crib, the sheets, his HANDS, his FEET, he has done some major artwork.
Lesson learned- toddler not allowed to sleep in diaper only, EVER>

10:48 AM  
Blogger TeacherMommy said...

There was the time when I was taking my sick little youngest kiddo (aroun 16 mos at the time) to the doctor and suddenly smelled Something. Oh My God. When I arrived at the office, I discovered that he had explosive diarrhea that had oozed all over him, his clothes, the car seat, everything. And it smelled worse than ANY FF poo or any other sick poo I'd ever had the displeasure of smelling. I walked in cradling him as far from me as possible (thank God it was warm and I was in short sleeves) and the nurses immediately escorted us past all the horrified people in the waiting room directly to an examination room to deal with the problem. And of course I'd forgotten the diaper bag. So I was trying to deal with the evil-smelling mess with paper towels and Kleenex until they finally rescued me with some actual wipes, dunking The Widget (crying pitifully the whole time, poor feverish thing) in that cold stainless steel sink, and the nurse was following me everywhere with a bottle of antiseptic spray and paper towel wiping away the germ-laden poo stains that were Everywhere. And of course The Widget had to ride home clad only in a diaper (thank God, again, for warm weather) with about an inch thick wad of paper towel protecting him from the poo-covered car seat.

The doctor said she could tell he had a rotavirus just by the smell alone wafting down the hall--she had a diagnosis before she even walked in.

On the bonus side, it was the fastest I've ever gotten into an examination room and seen the doctor!

11:08 AM  
Anonymous LAVANDULA said...

when daughter # 3 was 2 months old my husband and i had to go to church for a baptism class any how my husband best bud watched our children and had to change her diaper and while he was changing her she shot out some more mustard goo and covered his pant leg.he wasn't very impressed with that....and when same daughter was 12 months we were in guatemala on vacation and poor baby got the runs and crapped in her diaper while on daddys shoulders it was seeping through her diaper and clothes and running down my husbands back...it was actually pretty scary then but now its hilarious....

11:20 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Well, knock on wood, fingers and toes crossesd...I have somehow managed to dodge the poo bullet. Sure, there has been a squirt here and a trickle there, but nothing like these hilarious experiences.
Still have one in diapers, though. I live in fear!

Thanks for the great laugh! What a page turning post!

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The ONLY people that would say that would NEVER happen to them are people without children.

Been there, done that, got poop on my T-shirt!

11:53 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

No, I think you win. I've had some doosies...hahaha, doo. Ok, sorry, I need more sleep. Anyway, none of mine are quiet that bad. Now vomit, I think I might beat you on vomit. But you take the poo cake.

Ok, leaving now.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Miss Grace said...

Oh dear. Oh dear oh my oh dear.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

That was a truly impressive poop story. And some of the ones in the comments - even poopier!

I'm mostly impressed by how you had the presence of mind to fill the sink with soap and water, and just get on with it. At my son's poo-nami stage I was in the depths of PPD so I probably would have just sat down and started crying until my hubby came in to see what the hell was taking so long.

FWIW, I almost *never* remember to have any extra supplies with me. I used to have an extra bag of diapers in the car but it of course was gone the first time I needed it.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Cat said...

OH.MY.GOD. There just aren't words. Except the fact that your story didn't include any tears is simply amazing. Bravissimo!

1:25 PM  
Blogger No Mother Earth said...

I had the same sort of thing happen to me with the Boy, only his poo was green (neon, alien green from the fenugreek).

And he was in the Bjorn at the time.

I feel for ya.

1:48 PM  
Blogger tallulah said...

I always kept a complete extra diaper bag in the car filled with wipes, diapers and changes of clothes for me and baby. Of course that was only AFTER a similar incident.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi!

I haven't actually read this book, but your friend should. I love the title;

I was a Better Mother Before I Had Children.

3:36 PM  
Blogger cIII said...

Well there was the Time that I pooped on the......

Oh. You meant a "Kid" pooping Story.

No. Don't have any of those. Lack of suplies? That's my Speciality. Let's just say that a teeshirt, in the Back of the Volvo, doubles as a Diaper until we get home.

And. I totally would have asked that Elderly Lady for a Diaper. You know she's packin' one.

3:46 PM  
Anonymous hedra said...

Ah, the poopsplosions. My eldest was a master of shooting poop up to the neck of his shirt, and out the legs of his pants.

I learned to keep extra stuff in the car. The hard way, of course.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I tell my story even though it happened over 17 years ago? My then 11-month old son was on antibiotics for an ear infection. My (childless) sister and I were at a Friendly's Restaurant at a large mall. Joe was playing happily in the restaurant's wooden high chair when I heard it. And saw it. Diarrhea. Because he was sitting down, it went up his back, out the sides, all over the chair. I quickly grabbed him and ran to the restroom. I had diapers and wipes, but no clean clothes for him. I ended up carrying him thru the mall naked but for his diaper. Talk about poor white trash.

Oh, and I asked the waitress for something to clean the high chair with. She gave me a dishcloth. I made sure I threw it away.

My sister (did I mention she was childless?) sat there and gagged the whole time.

Bobbie

4:16 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

World War Poo? AWESOME! Surely you've heard of the Poonami diaper?

This happened to me ONCE, and never again. When Punky was 18-months, I took her to the gym nursery without an extra diaper or a change of clothes- Since she had already pooped that day and I lived five minutes down the road, I figured we'd be safe.

Within 20 minutes, my name was called over the intercom. I ran to the nursery and my daughter was sitting on the carpet smiling, poo spurting out the back of her diaper onto her back and all over the floor. Four tanned, toned, twenty-something gym workers were on their knees around her, frantically cleaning poo off the carpet. It was EVERYWHERE and the nursery had no wipes or diapers.

I ended up cleaning her off with paper towels from the bathroom, wrapping her naked in a blanket from the car, strapping her in the carseat with the blanket wrapped like a toga around her, and driving home. Thank God it wasn't very cold outside.

And I NEVER left home without an arsenal of diapers, wipes, clothing, and receiving blankets AGAIN.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Maman said...

My girls always smelled vaguely of bacon... and we would refer to them as bacon butt...

I always took the exploding diaper as a sign to move up diaper size..

And remember... in five years you are going to laugh about this... I promise.

5:18 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I don't think this is a worse poo story than yours, but I did have something similar happen to me. When Oliver was a baby he did three things: he ate, he screamed and he shat. When he did the latter it was brutal - Dave and I called them Poo Tsunami's - we'd open the diaper and poo would seep out...that is, if it hadn't seeped out already and pooled in the feet of his sleeper.

My similar situation happened in a pediatrician's office; we were there to discuss his excessive pooping. A new, inexperienced mother of two, I had no change of clothes, about two wipes to my name (I needed about 7,927 more) and only one clean diaper. There was poop everywhere - all over him, all over me, all over the doctor's office.

It sucked. I feel your pain.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I LOVE IT! Although I'm seasoned with the poo disasters, it's the vomit ones that throw me off. I was inspired to write it all down for future embarassment ;)
http://laydybug.blogspot.com/2008/10/pukeocalypse-revisited.html

6:09 PM  
Anonymous Michele said...

One time, I ran into kmart to buy something quick with my one year old. Just threw him on my hip, and ran in. 1) He peed. 2) He peed ALL OVER ME. I was frozen... The child had a diaper on, and so I couldn't figure out why I was wet all the way into my shoes. Turns out that my mother hadn't changed a diaper since me. And I wore cloth. And she put his diaper on backwards. In another instance, I was in a fairly similar situation as you - without that last diaper. So. My child was dressed in an old t-shirt of my husband's, sans bottoms, from the back of the car, until we got home (praying "don't go, don't go, don't go" the whole way.) The end result was not leaving the house without a stocked diaper bag. And I mean stocked. As in, my husband actually told me that maybe I didn't need to bring all that, what with the children potty trained and talking in full sentences and all. Sigh.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I was helping my sister try on bridesmaid dresses. She decided she wanted to change my 3 month old son's diaper in the dressing room (who was I to say no?). She has one diaper off and he shoots a whole watery load of poo all over her! I still laugh about it to this day!

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Sarcastica said...

I don't have any poo stories - yet - I'm sure they will come though, LOL!

This cracked me up so much!!! Lesson learned; always have back ups of the back ups eh! even for yourself ;)

9:54 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Nope. Sorry. 3 kids, and I can't recall a poop incident quite that bad. But I did take my baby to the mall and didn't bring enough bottles. Felt like crap when my friend says, "You should always bring at least 2." Yeah, I know.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Callista said...

Oh My Gosh!

I thought I had a bad one but no it wasn't that bad at all. I was at emergency with my totally liquid diarrheaed child and she went while we were there and it was all up her clothes and all in her stroller which she was sitting in. I went to bathroom to find I had one wipe. I ened up using wet papertowels while her butt was in small sink (barely fit) and then wiped stroller to best of my ability and layered papertowels on top of that. Then I washed out baby clothes and wrapped them in papertowel, later asking for a bag. Sounds similar but I didn't have it ALL over me like you. You handled it very well!

Oh and yes I find myself without what I need all the time and I would have been very mad to get a comment saying to have diapers in car at all times. I thought I'd be doing that too. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Angella said...

No story I have could ever beat that one. You win, hands down.

And I have found myself without the tools necessary to make a change. Thank God all of my friends have kids the same age.

10:18 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I've actually had to ask strangers on the street (we were out of town in St. Augustine, I think, or somewhere anyway) for a diaper. And I've had strangers on the street ask me for a diaper. So there you have it - prepared? Umm, no. And poo stories? Oh yeah. Got those, too. Like the time my daughter blew out on me while breastfeeding her on my lunch break right before a meeting. Yep, went into the meeting without noticing the big poo streak down the front of my skirt. Nice. So now I just work in my pajamas every day. Safer that way.

11:35 PM  
OpenID dowen said...

Six days after my wee girl was born, my husband and I ventured out to my company Christmas party being held at my boss's house. My boss happened to be one of those very proper ladies who had a copy of Emily Post's book of manners on her desk at work. Partway through the party, I excused myself to nurse my daughter, and my boss showed me into her bedroom. We were finishing up, and I thought, well, I might as well change her while I'm in here. I laid her down on a blanket on my boss's footstool at the end of her bed. Mistake number one. I took off my daughter's diaper. Mistake number two. While un-diapered, my daughter pulled her knees to her chest and let the biggest poo you can imagine shoot forth from her rear. Because she was horizontal, the poo also took a horizontal trajectory covering the footstool, the blanket and several feet of my boss's perfect cream-colored carpet. All I could do was stand there, horrified, and gape at the day-glo yellow stain all over the carpet. While I was paralyzed, my daughter followed up with yet another huge squirt of poo. At this, I sprang back into action all the while muttering "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, she's going to fire me, ohmygod, ohmygod." I mopped it up the best I could, which was pretty much not at all, got my daughter cleaned up and clothed, and meekly left the room to break the news. My boss was completely understanding about it, and rumor has it the stain came right out, but STILL. MORTIFIED.

11:39 PM  
Blogger hoppytoddle@gmail.com said...

I'm still reading, but E GADS, HBM, you deserve a new sweater, I think.

Lemme just say that I had a laminated (yes, I found it needed to be laminated) post it that I got made fun of for. I DO have a degree in planning; I can't help it. The post it got handed to the Huz before we left the house for him to check. I got to the point that I would refuse to leave the house unless he made sure we had everything on the list. I had too many situations like yours, although not as bad.

& wine? How 'bout some whiskey, for crying out loud?

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Jennie said...

I kept a whole bunch of diapers in my car and forgot that...um...babies grow. By the time I needed one my daughter was too big for it. I was headed into the pediatrician for a check up. It dawned on me that they would have me take off her diaper for the exam. To have a new, clean one would be ideal. I honestly figured a pediatrician would have a few diapers, but nope. They looked at me like I was the first person to ever need one! I just put the wet diaper back on again. Luckily we were going right home so it wasn't a big deal. I totally feel for you. I have never had a poo blowout like that. Knock on wood!

8:16 AM  
Blogger litanyofbritt said...

two poo stories in one!
http://litanyofbrittainy.blogspot.com/2008/07/scoop-on-poop.html

10:17 AM  
Blogger l_coller said...

We have many 'pooh baby' stories. 1) Running out to the hardware store, just a quick errand so no diaper bag, only to find the kid sitting in the cart in a pool of liquid pooh. My husband ended up diapering her in paper towel and a wet but clean wrap, and we finished the errand. 2) Early morning plane to Florida. The kid is leaking, and there is no changing table in the bathroom. My husband is in the aisle, with the baby on the floor of the bathroom, and I'm cleaning up after him. We call that the 'explode-a-baby' episode. 3)My first experience with leaking - a friend and her baby, a nice resturant, and looking over and seeing pooh dripping down the highchair. We wrapped the kid up in a big blanket and got the food to go. 4) The episode that defines 'poohing up his back.' Do you really want details?

Shit happens. Over and over and over.

Lizabeth

11:34 AM  
Anonymous hedra said...

Okay, someone reminded me of the shooting poo thing...

There was that day that I was quite late to work due to having to change clothes twice before I left.

Went to change the diaper, got peed on. It was the only time he ever peed outside his diaper, and of course, I got a lot of splatter.

Finished the change, then changed me, then smelled poo...

great. BUT, hey, he probably doesn't have a full bladder!

Opened his diaper, bent past the end of the changing table to grab a clean one, and got splattered with projectile poo.

I think I laughed. It was either that or cry.

But at least it wasn't in public.

11:49 AM  
OpenID phonemom said...

Our worst, we were driving home, about 15-20 minutes from our house when a foul smell began to emanate from the back seat. I turned and he had shot poo out his diaper, out the leg of his pants and all over the car seat. By the time I was able to scream (and oh god, I did) he picked some up in his hand, tasted it. AUGHHHH! and then flung it across the van where it slid down the window. At this point I became psycho, screaming not to eat it and wondering where on earth to touch anything. We made an unplanned stop at some (very forgiving) friends who thankfully threw our son into a bathtub and helped me rip apart the car seat and scrub the van. All I can say, is Please God, never again. I have a weak stomach and I can't take it.
The worst part was showing up at someone house, in that state and asking for help. I feal your pain.

12:08 PM  
Blogger butwhymommy said...

Bunny had a blowout in a local restaraunt that seeped out of her diaper, down her pants and onto the floor in the dining area before it was noticed.

It was not pretty. There is nothing worse than saying, "Can you clean under our table. My daughter pooped on the floor." Needless to say we did not go back there.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

OK... think picking up your newly adopted (constipated for four days) baby in Guatemala... you are walking through the airport and feel the wetness spreading up said baby's back (no more constipation)... realize you just checked all your luggage and had already put on the cherished "coming home" outfit and forgot to pull out a spare.

Went into the TINY Guatemala public restroom where there is NO changing table so use the top of the garbage can instead... have ten Guatemalan women come in to watch you strip the baby naked and have no spare outfit to put on... shove outfit under the faucet to try and clean as best you can while throwing out the onesie... baby still screaming and try to dry the clothes under the hand dryer since you still have five hours of flight time ahead of you...

Pale pasty American woman with beautiful screaming Guatemalan baby being stripped naked and obviously not being comforted by her new mommy... stares from all the women wondering what on earth this poor baby was doing with her... realize poop was all over the new mommy as well... no stress at all!

Loads of memories of that coming home trip!!

LOVE all these stories!

3:08 PM  
Blogger deb said...

Sounds like you handled it admirably.

9:54 PM  
Anonymous courtney said...

Oh god, I'm taking my two month old on her first flight next month and all these airplane poop stories have me terrified!

1:44 AM  
Anonymous shawna said...

I was stuck with a baby in a poo-smeared outfit and no replacement in the middle of winter once. Now that we have two and it's hard to jam all the contingency supplies into one diaper bag I keep a small storage cube (probably about 1.5 cubic feet) in my trunk with wipes, lots of diapers for both kids, an extra outfit for each, and an extra shirt for me (I get spit-up on a LOT). If I'm out and my diaper bag runs out I can replenish from the car.

9:27 AM  
Blogger Heidi said...

We call them poo-splosions, and lucky us my 6 month old daughter is prone to them.

At 3 mos old she went overnight from pooping 4-5x/day to not a drip for 11 days. Ped finally okays 1/2 infant enema, which should work in no more than an hour, it takes 8 hours. One good almost explosion. Then nothing for another full 8 days. Then we are out and about on a casual Saturday and I have fully converted to cloth diapers and CLOTH WIPES and I'm low on wipes, clean or dirty in the car when she explodes all over herself and the carseat. Car reeks, but we assume it's our 5 year old farting. Hubby doesn't know, so he picks her up and gets it all over himself too. (That smell, that mustard slick...you described them perfectly. I kept calling it peanut butter because it was all I could come up with, but really mustard is much better.) Anywho, I couldn't stop laughing (and taking pictures) because, you know, I wasn't alone, and I wasn't wearing it. After that I was afraid that my husband would no longer be on board with the cloth diapers, but as he said, nothing would have held it, and he sure did respect it for trying.

So my poo story is not in the same league as yours, but I could totally imagine myself there. I never ever go without a full package of disposable wipes now. Some things just aren't meant to be tossed.

2:04 AM  
Blogger Mommer said...

Good Lord ... with posts like this, who needs antidepressants?! I got laughing so hard at the post and the comments I ran out of time to go pick up my new scrip from the drugstore before it closed, and I've laughed more in the last hour than I have in WEEKS.

So now, if all these lovely ladies would just be so kind as to post hysterically funny stories every day for, oh, the next six months or so ... ;)

2:09 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

Nothing quite so bad here, but I can tell you the story of the day I switched to reusable cloth wipes - Inigo did a poo that went from his ankles to his shoulder blades (under the clothes), and I used almost a packet of wipes cleaning both of us, the change table, and the floor of my very neat friends house!

And years ago, back when I was never going to have children, a friends baby exploded all over a picnic rug. She went to grab something to clean it all up with, and while she was gone one of her dogs came and "took care of" most of the mess.

It seriously damaged my psyche.

2:47 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

Nothing quite so bad here, but I can tell you the story of the day I switched to reusable cloth wipes - Inigo did a poo that went from his ankles to his shoulder blades (under the clothes), and I used almost a packet of wipes cleaning both of us, the change table, and the floor of my very neat friends house!

And years ago, back when I was never going to have children, a friends baby exploded all over a picnic rug. She went to grab something to clean it all up with, and while she was gone one of her dogs came and "took care of" most of the mess.

It seriously damaged my psyche.

2:47 AM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

Someone drove their car through the front doors of our local Kelsey's a few weeks ago. That really has nothing to do with your story, but I think I'd rather be covered in poo than glass and drywall and insurance nightmares. Maybe Kelsey's is just bad luck??

8:27 PM  
Blogger Shosh said...

people who dont have kids always have all sorts of grand ideas of how they will be when they are parents. Ha. Its harder than it looks, people!
As for the poop story - when my boys were 2 & 3, the 3 year old was newly potty trained. I went up to get my 2 year old from his crib and found that he had pooped, taken off his clothes and his diaper, and thrown the poop all around the room. there were pieces in his crib, on the floor - pretty much everywhere. it took me a long time to clean the whole thing up but when we finally came downstairs, clean, poop thrown out, sheets changed, etc... my 3 year old was standing in the hallway, in a puddle of pee, with....yep, you guessed it. poopy underwear!!!

7:32 PM  
Blogger Karen MEG said...

There's a book in this collection of stories, I can feel it :).

That was a fantastic poop story! You handled it so well - I'm just imagining that poor woman's face ... I was laughing with you, not at you, really! I think you did just great ... and your hubby hero with the glass of wine... good call.

I have my share of them, poop stories I mean, but I think I've blocked most of them from my mind now that we've been diaper/ pull up free for a year. I still carry an extra set of clothes and a pack of wipes with us everywhere ...old habits die hard.

8:51 AM  
Blogger liz said...

I've run out of diapers, too. Or found out too late that MM had just that minute grown out of them.

12:14 AM  
Blogger judi said...

been there, done that. we used to call it the poop du jour.

3:10 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Some things you just never forget--when my daughter, who is now 34 years old, was a baby, my mother and I took her and my son to lunch at McDonalds. Becca was sitting in a high chair, when Mt. Vesuvious erupted. The lava flow of liquid baby poo pour out of her diaper, down the legs of the high chair, and onto the floor. My mother gagged. I wanted to fall through a hole in the floor. Mother took my son to the car, while I tried to clean up the mess. It was so horrible that even now, 34 years later, I can not go into a McDonald's, the memory is that embarassing.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

No, you win the baby poop award. Absolutely.

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

I just changed a mustard poop and am traumatized. Assaulted by smell and even worse, the mess caked in the spindles of the crib, which is why I am perusing blogs at 2am. I think I will indulge in some wine since I have been scrubbing for at least 30 minutes and actually wiped a butt with several Chlorox Clean Ups (ps..They don't contain bleach..But even if they did..I would STILL be tempted)..It was THAT bad. All I have to say is POOP on EYELASHES. I am suspecting pink eye in a couple of days. I am sure a blast with a one year old who is a complete drama queen.

2:01 AM  
Blogger angie said...

Sorry I'm late to the Poop Story Party.

I was low (read "had NOTHING") on diapering supplies on an airplane from Houston, Texas to Columbus, Ohio. My child emptied herself and I managed somehow to clean that up and used the last 2 wipes and the last diaper I had. Well, apparently, she wasn't finished, because about an hour later, she got busy and whipped out a large mustardy bomb which went through the final diaper and all over her clothes. I now had no wipes, no spare clothes for her and no diapers. I managed to find a burp cloth that was covered in cracker crumbs and some duct tape (I'm not sure why THAT was in the diaper bag with me) at the bottom of the diaper bag. I was wearing a denim shirt over my tshirt (it was winter), so I put my denim shirt on her with her MacGyver-like diaper and prayed that she was done with her jobs. Thankfully, she was. Until we got to Columbus. But by then, I had my luggage and the wealth of diapers at my disposal. :)

I love your story. Especially the proper use of all the verb tenses of "shit".

3:57 PM  
Blogger Bad Mummy said...

Here's mine:

http://badmummynocookie.blogspot.com/2007/09/some-days-are-just-shitty.html

9:26 AM  

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