Her Bad Mother

Monday, February 11, 2008

In Which My Dignity - Such As It Were - Finally Plummets Headlong Into The Abyss

WARNING: this post is not for the squeamish or the faint-of-heart, or for anyone who clings stubbornly to the entirely misguided idea that I am in way or in any kind a noble or dignified creature. If, however, you have a strong stomach and you long to point fingers at me and cackle 'ha-ha-ha-HA-ha,' this post is for you.

My doctor, bless her overfunctioning heart, had the grace to look sheepish when she said, "we're going to need to do another full examination."

Me: "Again? Because I distinctly remember having to take my pants off for an examination last month. And I took the little vials to the lab myself, when I went for my blood test. I never forget a blood test."

Her: "I know. But I don't have any lab results recorded for you, and I can't figure out what happened."

So we had to do the test again. Which meant, of course, the discomfiting indignity of having one's insides probed and prodded when they're at their most sensitive. And this without the benefit of flowers and chocolates. Not that I regularly receive flowers and chocolates as an accompaniment to internal probing, but one always hopes.

And then I bitched about it publicly. Why does my doctor keep sticking her hand up my parts, I asked? And why, I continued, in bad temper, does it bother me, especially after one difficult pregnancy, during which there were umpteen internal probes, and all the complications of this pregnancy - apart from lost lab results - that have required undignified leg-spreading and belly-baring and reception of needles? Why have I not been able to keep my chin up as it all goes down, and is it really my problem that I can't cope and who says that I need these tests anyway and to whom do I submit my complaints?

I was still feeling testy (no pun intended) a week later - just this past weekend, actually - as I rummaged around in my bag for yet another piece of paper with doctor scrawl that would send me to my next (mercifully radiographic) test. Stupid doctors, I grumbled to myself. Gotta get me a midwife, or maybe just some nice older lady with a bucket and a tarp, a copy of A Prairie Home Companion To Birthin' Babies and maybe some warm biscuits.

Then my hand brushed against what felt like a tube, or a vial, and then against something that felt like a little container in a medical-grade plastic baggie. And then, I think, I may have actually gulped audibly.

Was it possible - under some god-forsaken scenario known only to pregnant women with hormone-addled brains - that I had been carrying around the materials swabbed out of my body during a gynecological examination - in, granted, medical-grade storage bits, but still - in my handbag FOR OVER A MONTH?

OH MY FACK.

I had. I had neglected to take those little vials and bottles with their nether region innard scrapings to the lab. And had been carrying them around in my handbag for WEEKS, oh my hell.

So it was that I had to slink down the stairs and ask my husband whether he had any idea about how to safely dispose of medical waste. And then empty and fumigate my purse and wash my hands, like, six thousand times (medical-grade storage baggies and all that, but still) and then rinse out my lightly vomited-in mouth. And then go sit and contemplate the final and complete annihilation of my dignity.

And then recount it for you here. Because if one's attachment to one's dignity is held only by the merest thread, one might as well give it a snip and send it on its way for good, and be done with it.

Contents of HBM's bag, under ordinary circumstances: be very, very grateful that I did not have the presence of mind or the total disrespect for the memory of my dignity to take pictures of the contents in their last incarnation.

61 Comments:

Blogger Liz said...

OH NOES!

Never, EVER, tell your doctor. Or do, maybe she'll find it funny?

8:29 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

Oh my hell, that is so wrong!

LOL!

8:30 PM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA <--- totally laughing in sympath...no, I'm lying. I'm totally laughing AT you. Sorry.

8:33 PM  
Blogger Niksmom said...

Wow, that's WAAAAY worse than the time i tucked one of Nik's poopy diapers in the bottom of his (folding) stroller and coudl't figure out why my car smelled so awful for two weeks!

[Shakes her head in sympathetic disbelief.]

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Oh dear.. I bet you felt like a real ass, after bitching about the doctors 'losing' your test results!

Oh, by the way, hello. I'm a new commenter.. I've been reading for a while, but never got around to commenting.

Now I have, simply because of the power of month old medical waste in one's handbag. =P

8:44 PM  
Blogger Someone Being Me said...

That is hilarious. Note to self, clean out purse more often.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Stimey said...

Yes, the indignities of pregnancy and childbirth. Just upped a tiny notch in this instance. At least you didn't find it when you emptied your bag at an airport checkpoint or something equally embarrassing. Now it's just us internets who know. (And we won't tell anyone. Promise.)

8:53 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Bwahahahaha... laughing at you only in the kindest of possible ways one can laugh in recognition of pregnancy brain. Share and share alike: when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was once very late to pick up my son at daycare because I was sitting and working over my laptop and fell asleep -- sitting up, hands in typing position, and slept for two hours that way and then had to call the daycare 10 minutes after it had officially closed to tell them I was just leaving and would be there as soon as I could. I say don't tell the doc. I wouldn't have told the daycare if I didn't have to say something to explain the lateness!

Still, this story is hilarious!

9:11 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Suddenly I feel less bad for saving the pee stick of 3+ years ago.

9:12 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Eeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!

Holyholyholyguacamole.

Wow.

This is just... just... yeah, thank you for this post! :)

9:37 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm so glad my doctor doesn't trust me with things like that. I'd totally do the same thing. Then I'd fail to see it for the wonderful blog fodder that it is.

But, sorry, I had to laugh.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Forgetting to take samples to the lab - yep, that's a good story. Having them in your bag for a month? That's a brilliant story!

10:00 PM  
Blogger Mouse said...

I've never been put in charge of my vials. Obviously a good thing.

Plus, another good reason for me not to carry a purse--though I'm not sure when I last cleaned out Scooter's backpack.

10:00 PM  
Blogger jen said...

alright, Bad. no that's just gross.

dude.

10:21 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

ah ahahahahahahaha!

10:32 PM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

My husband is giving me funny looks for laughing so hard at the computer. I am sure that you are not the first person to do something like that.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Maddy said...

Ooo my yes! You are exceptionally bad - slapped wrists for you [or should that be bottom?}
Cheers

11:15 PM  
Blogger Robbin said...

If it makes you feel any better - I am a specialist in infectious disease, and I have found much, much worse in my coat pockets. Trust me, you don't EVEN want to know.

And I was curious to see we wear the same lip gloss. ;)

2:06 AM  
Blogger the dragonfly said...

Oh my. Oh my! Seriously, my mouth hung open when I read that. I felt awful for you! But then...well, then I laughed. Just a bit. ;)

If it makes you feel any better, I was Miss Forgetful when I was pregnant. Or maybe Miss Scatterbrain. How many times did I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge?!

5:42 AM  
Anonymous Denise said...

I'm having one hell of a horrible week. Just getting that out of the way right now.

So I saw the first paragraph of your latest rant and I thought "I could really use some harmless ranting so I'll click." (Because with my last pregnancy they were constantly losing my lab work - CONSTANTLY - and I, who generally am compliant about spreading my legs for doctors or opening up my veins for vampires, got really tired of it and griped heartily.

Anyway, I start reading your piece and was enjoying the ranting and raving and feeling like I was letting off some steam... and then you throw that curveball. Ha. In your purse.

Hahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I almost wish that was why the hospital kept losing my lab work with my last pregnancy (18 years ago, God help me) .... but no, it was just a military teaching hospital in a foreign country.

Thanks for the laugh, HBM.

6:43 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I am NEVER EVER borrowing your lip gloss or cell phone EVER EVER again.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Jennifer, Le Binky Bitch said...

Oh that's so funny. And sadly, something I would totally do.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Steph said...

Question- do you wear that party hat that appears in the contents of your purse when you go for those internal probes? I dare say that the party hat might make it better!

8:32 AM  
Anonymous Deep Fried Yankee said...

AHA! We found a glitch in the Canadian Health Care system.

Who has to take their own zamboozle scrapings to the lab?

Just plain wrong.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Steph - why, yes. I do wear that hat for gynecological exams. Is that weird?

8:50 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

Oh, that's funny! I left a used pregnancy test in my purse for a couple of weeks before I found it. Just be glad you found it at home and not while pulling out your wallet at a store.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Hannah said...

I can't even laugh. I'm afraid if I start laughing at this I won't be able to start, and it will at best cause my co-workers to think I'm having another pregnancy-induced meltdown. At worst, it will trigger premature labour.

I did forget that the hospital where I had Isaac had given me copies of my birthing records for my family doctor - I told her I had no recollection of such a thing happening and caused a minor stink, actually - and found the damn papers a month later in my hospital overnight bag. Ahem. But at least it wasn't medical waste. Ewwwwww.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

Hahahaahah. And ew.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Velma said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all week.

9:17 AM  
Blogger marymurtz said...

Beautiful! You should absolutely tell your doctor---they get few enough laughs as it is. Be thankful it wasn't a stool sample.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Lala said...

why, oh WHY were YOU responsible for getting stuff to the lab? I have never heard of that before.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

I'm worried since I'm not really so grossed out my this...then again I was barfed on a few times recently so maybe my meter is set a bit high.

I think this is hysterical though, I can just see the fuming going on before the discovery. Any chance your doctor reads here?!

9:57 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Am I going to tell me doctor? Hellz no. She already worries enough about my obsessiveness and tendency toward neurosis. She would fail to see my (albeit half-hearted) embrace of the humor here.

Why was I taking the vials to the lab? Because I was going there anyway. Canadian health care, bitches.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Is it wrong that I thought this was perfectly reasonable?

10:47 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

That is so totally something I would do too. Aie ;)

People don't have to bring their own samples to the lab in the states??

10:57 AM  
Blogger Badness Jones said...

Ack! Poor you. Poor, poor, poor, poor you. Do you know, that even though I was at the high-risk clinic at Mt. Sinai, I never had to have an internal exam? Not even at the end? I was so lucky.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Ree said...

Um. {hides face} Snort. {peeks out from behind fingers} Snirk. {puts hands over mouth} Snserrtkesdfh.

{Gives up}
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh honey. I'm sorry. That was too funny. And something I would do, not even preggers.

11:31 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I prefer a tiara for uncomfy and embarrassing exams, myself. Also for scraping wallpaper, as my good friends will recall.

I hope the vials at lease didn't have any identifying info on them yet? so you could throw them out without handing over your name and DNA to anyone nosey enough to be in your garbage? A little creepy, no?

12:12 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Kittenpie - NO I DID NOT do anything about the identifying information and now I am TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. Is it possible that someone could clone me on the basis of the nether scrapings? OH MY HELL.

12:16 PM  
Blogger nomotherearth said...

Why do I feel compelled to read posts with content warnings? What does that say about me??

Hey - at least it wasn't a stool sample.

Right??

12:24 PM  
Blogger Jozet at Halushki said...

ROFL!!!!!

You should totally auction them off on eBay for some charity.

Lol!

You slay me!

12:28 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I can't decide who I'm laughing harder at -- you, and this post, or Jozet above me.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

NME - would a stool sample really be all that much worse? Really? I'm not sure...

12:33 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Bright side? At least you didn't pull it out at playgroup when Wonderbaby asked for a snack.

Also, I'm wondering why you got to keep your dignity after the first. They took mine away and incincerated it with the afterbirth, I think.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

I can't decide what's funnier, the fact that it happened or the fact that it just adds one more thing to my list of "Things I Never Knew I Should Be Worried About."

12:59 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

I am totally reconsidering my upcoming "what the fuck is in my purse" post.

There is no way I can top "medical waste".

2:45 PM  
Blogger PeetsMom said...

Oh that was perfect - I am still giggling to myself! Priceless. Really!

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

catherine you are dignified and held in high esteem in my eyes now its a good thing you can;t see me laughing about the contents of your purse and pregnancy brain....my teens while i was pregnant with their youngest sister would quite often find me standing in some room with a dazed and confused look on my face trying to remember what i was in that room to do....hahahaLAVANDULA

4:41 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Oh.No.

Oh.nononononononono.

No.

You might want to pass on telling your doctor. heh heh

5:23 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh this is SO something I would do!!

Great story though!

5:49 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

hehehehehehe. snigger. oh, no, it's too much. oh dear.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Karen MEG said...

Ewwww, and ewwwww again, but while I'm ROFL!!

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Momily said...

I can sympathize having been sick with cold, flu, and laryngitis for the past 4 weeks making my normal case of "pregnancy brain" something else altogether.

What I can't understand is why you have to transport your own test results - ugh!! I'm in Alberta and I thought our health care system was bad for austerity measures and DIY health care, but that's pretty bad. It's a shame that we don't have a better system.

11:23 PM  
Anonymous a. beaverhausen said...

Oh, dear. Oh...sweet, sweet Mother of Pearl! That's truly awful...but in a funny way.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous wright said...

Om my gosh - that is truly funny! And terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through the probing again, but hey, it made for great blogging fodder.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Steph said...

Wearing your party is most definitely not weird...next time I would also bring one of those birthday bazooka toys as well. I work for the the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care here in ON...let's just say that transporting your own medical goodies is not common.

9:58 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

This is too funny. Too funny.

The consolation is that it was such a richly bloggable situation. LOL.

10:36 AM  
Blogger liz said...

I'm sorry to report that there is now tea all over my computer monitor. And key board.

10:59 AM  
OpenID FishyGirl said...

Oh, hahaha. I am so sorry, and actually very grateful that we don't have to transport our own medical goods here. Grateful.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

This is hilarious. Oh my.

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have evidence that a stool sample would have been much worse. Although you'd have discovered it sooner. If you leave them longer than a couple of days in a sealed container there is a large, rather unpleasant explosion. Don't ask me how I know...best to draw a delicate veil over such things.

6:11 AM  

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