Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Swimmer


The first time that you do it, it's like taking a long jump off of a short pier into unfamiliar waters.

Maybe it was something that you always wanted to do. Maybe you were enticed by the sight of all those other swimmers, out there in the water, swimming toward distant shores. Maybe you got too close to the end of the pier, and slipped. Somehow, you got in that water, and when you did, you didn't know what to expect.

You didn't know what to expect, and so you were surprised by how quickly the current moved, by how turbulent the waters could be, by how hard the waves pushed. But you put your head down, and swam and swam and swam toward the far-off shore, and sometimes you even enjoyed the cool of the water and the feeling that you had become, somehow, another being, another species, and the sweet freedom of just bobbing along when the waters were still, of taking the journey slowly, even as you yearned for its end.

And then you arrived, at your once-far-off shore, and you were new and life was new and you looked back across the waters and couldn't believe how far you'd come, how distant was that pier.

You can't even remember what it felt like to take that leap, what it felt like to hit that water.

But you do remember the long, long swim, and how it was sometimes dark and cold and turbulent and frightening. And so it took you a long time to jump back in. If you really did jump, that is. You were pretty close to the edge, so close that the jump was inevitable, but still. Maybe you slipped.

Now you're in the water, and you know exactly what the long swim ahead feels like, you know all about the waves and the current and the cold and the fear and you're scared. Happy, too, of course, and excited, to be pursuing this adventure again. But still, scared.

You take a deep breath, and plunge ahead. The shore awaits.


A shore worth reaching.

49 Comments:

Blogger Mimi said...

Nice. It's true that the distance travelled is a far one. And so you've not jumped off the same pier: you're different now and in a different place. And the swim will be different. Still wet, I imagine, but different :-)

I can hardly wait to hear about it.

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Kate said...

congrats! Kittenpie just alerted me to your news. And um yah, I kinda know exactly what you mean about diving in again. (pregnant again too - sweet jesus, what have we done???)

4:26 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Lovely.

And from my perspective, it's definitely a shore worth reaching. I can't even describe the incredible feeling I get watching my two wee ones together.

4:52 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:52 PM  
Blogger karla said...

One word.

Beautiful.

4:55 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I know exactly what you mean, because as we are working on making that jump, as I watch my best friend with her new baby, I wonder if I'm really ready for it to start all over again after having gotten through the parts that are the hardest for me. I fully expect to be terrified if I manage to fall off the pier!

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The water imagery - paradoxically, life affirming but also life threatening.

No one writes with so much awe of water, of dams, of the romance of water in an arid landscape, as Joan Didion.

Thank you for rekindling this remembrance of her essay "At the Dam" in "The White Album."

6:18 PM  
Anonymous ali said...

most definitely a shore worth reaching. great post, HBM :)

6:40 PM  
Blogger anniemom said...

Ok, so now I want to get pregnant again.

xoxo.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Gabriella said...

Oh such a wonderful post. I keep reading all around me about women taking the plunge and I wonder too if I should or not. I think I'm a little too unsure yet...but I can't wait to read your exciting journey that's beginning again.

7:17 PM  
Blogger b*babbler said...

Exquisitely written. I can't wait to read all about your journey.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Becspeak said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I'm diving in for the first time. I look forward to reading about your second.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

Ummm so for the really, really slow among us (me???) this is...about your second pregnancy, second child...right?

Yes, okay...well, then!

Great post! Very lovely comparison.

Julie
Using My Words

8:03 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Uh huh.

*nodding*

Say it, sistah.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Veronica Mitchell said...

Congratulations.

We were just saying today how happy we are that are girls are so close together in age. They play so joyously together.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

It is well worth the swim. Most definitely.

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Liz said...

Yeah, what SHE said.

Great post, C!

9:24 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Sooooo. How old will Wondergirl be when numero 2 is born?

This is so much fun! (squeals with girly excitement jumping up and down)

9:32 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Beautifully written. It is scary to think that you will not have all your attention for your first child...but they gain so much more from their sibling(s) that we could never give them.

I also think about when I'm not around. In my fantasy, they'll still have each other.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Lovely, lovely images. I feel like I am floating.

Wishing you lots of buoys to grasp when needed.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

What a great analogy, even to this resolute landlubber. I hope things are going smoothly.

9:53 PM  
Anonymous ozma said...

Congratulations. It can be some current. It takes courage but what joy.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Definitely worth it... This is the third time I fell in.... (well fourth if you count the one time I didn;t reach the other shore.)

Anyways, you're supposed to use the buddy system when you swim right? Glad I found another to journey with me !!!

10:31 PM  
Blogger zellmer said...

congrats! can't wait to hear all about it.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

Waaay easier the second time.
Only because you know you will make it to the other side.

10:50 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

I'm sorry, I'm just dying to title this entry "Ode to Sperm"

11:18 PM  
Anonymous chelle said...

Parenting is a beautiful thing. You have worded it so magically.

11:47 PM  
Blogger painted maypole said...

there's a picture today on my blog with my daughter jumping into a pool. Hooray for you for jumping in again. It's so worth the swim!

12:21 AM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

This time, I brought along a kickboard. Highly recommend it.

12:33 AM  
Blogger kgirl said...

nicely said. and you'll be swimming alongside lots of friends, and we can all stay afloat together.

8:36 AM  
Blogger Mama V said...

In tears... I only wish I could express myself as eloquently as you do!
Just last night, my oldest (now almost 9!) found my journal from when I was in my last few months of pregnancy with him and his first year... we sat and read it together... laughed, cried... such a special time! Cherish it!

9:24 AM  
Blogger appleseed said...

Wow! Pass the kleenex!

9:44 AM  
Blogger Tracey said...

And even more amazing is that the current and water temperature will be completely different, so that even though you think you know what to expect? Yeah, you find out you're in the Indian ocean this time, instead of the Atlantic.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Beautiful. And so well worth the leap of faith.
Congratulations!

10:17 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

When I saw the title of this post, I so thought it was going to be about sperm. :)

Reading this evoked so many images for me. You reach the shore, chest heaving, arms aching, and a newborn is placed into them needing you like nobody has ever needed you before; except your toddler, of course.

Despite several jumps, and the related challenges, the water still looks deliciously inviting to me, at times.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous pgoodness said...

Lovely analogy, this swimming and reaching shore. Congrats again to you all.

3:00 PM  
Blogger mamalamadingdong said...

oh how exciting!!! i can't wait to see how adorable this one will be!!!

3:04 PM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Oh yes. The second time was a slip for me, but scary nonetheless.

Just keep moving and keep your head above water. You have lots of people swimming with you.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

That was truly beautiful!

Rest assured, at this stage, your toes are just tickling the water. The real swim comes in about 8 ish months from now... And the water keeps getting deeper, but you just keep treading and swimming until you reach the other side -- or find a life boat someplace in the middle!

7:02 PM  
Anonymous jenn said...

beautiful, beautiful - happy swimming :)

7:45 PM  
Blogger nomotherearth said...

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wonder why I would elect to do all this work just to reach the other shore. Thanks for reminding me of the end goal. Sometimes I find it hard to keep that in sight. It is worth it, isn't it?

10:47 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

Oh my goodness! Congratulations!

10:52 PM  
Anonymous Fizz said...

Congratulations! I'm finally delurking after lots of reading... What a beautiful post. THEY are both lucky to have such a 'bad mother' as you.

5:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not think we are ready for another one yet, but took a test today on the advice of the nurse at my ob/gyn's office.

I was disappointed when it came back negative. I'm nuts!!! :)

This makes me want to jump again. I really am nuts.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I am SOOO happy for you! Congratulations...you make pretty babies. ;)

9:48 PM  
Blogger petite gourmand said...

I.love.this.post.

so so beautiful~nice pic to match the sentiments.

and congratulations bty.

7:36 PM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

I have thought about your ode here a lot. I keep trying to put it into words. But of course it will be different for you.

So I hestitate.

It is hard you know. Don't count of me to sugar coat. What you do know, perhaps... it that you are making a choice to make two people risk their feelings on each other, and they are each your children. It is so much easier to make your child get along with and in the world... than it is ever to make a love-one love and be loved by a love-one.

It is hard to have either feel the pain for even one moment of learning to love. That is really the only part that is legitimately hard.

I also don't write it because I am not totally lucid on the topic.

1:17 AM  
Blogger Stu said...

Your thoughtful analogy has been nominated by one of our readers (at GNMParents) for Hot Stuff Of The Week. Congrats, and good luck in the voting!

12:39 PM  

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