Her Bad Mother

Monday, August 11, 2008

Catherine the Queen

Hello everybody: meet Redneck Mommy. Oh, right - you already know her. You don't? You should. Because she is six trillion kinds of awesome. I love her.

I don't guest post for other bloggers very often. The very task of guest posting intimidates me and causes any creativity I can muster to shrivel up and dry like the plant sitting on my window sill. There is something so overwhelming about having the keys to another's inner sanctum that I panic with the responsibility of entertaining another's readers.

I mean, you all came here to read Catherine, yet here I am, punking up her space and coloring on her walls. Tis a bit of a disappointment, I know to get a redneck when you're expecting a bad mutha philosopher lady.

Still, when Catherine asks, I acquiesce. Because there isn't much I wouldn't do for that lady. I even let her grab my boobs as often as she feels the need, because that's how perverted giving I am.

I'm charitable like that. Heh.

Catherine is one of my real life best friends. I love her with the heat and intensity of a thousand burning suns. I fell in love, at first with her words, then with her platinum bob and finally with her graciousness and open heart.

It didn't hurt that she's got a nice rack to ogle either. *Wink*

We became fast friends, understanding one another immediately, in that special way that only happens a few times in a person's life time. If I were a man, I'd have challenged her husband for a duel, after first slapping his face with a white glove, in the hopes of winning her love.

Lucky for me I don't have testicles and I didn't need to smack anyone with a white glove and then run for cover as her husband walked his ten paces. I mean, I talk tough but when push comes to shove, I'm nothing but a big weenie.

We bonded over pop culture, literature and human rights. We bonded over the inevitable exhaustion and depression that creeps slowly in when your days are devoted to wiping the asses of small children while struggling to retain your identity and not slip under the waves of motherhood.

We've shared tears over heartbreak and loss and I've done my best to show her that when or if the worst ever happens and a loved one is lost, she will survive and find joy.

But what really cemented my love for Catherine was her Frankenvulva.

That's right. Her tattered twat. Listening to her complaints of torn vaginas and battered bottoms touched me in a way no daddy blogger ever could.

Because it takes squeezing out a child through our delicate pink parts only to find your lovely lotus of love shredded like cheese through a grater to really bond with another human being.

I thought I was alone in my hoo-ha horror. I still recall, with vivid clarity, finding a small semblance of peace while sitting in a sitz bath and wondering if I'd ever be able to, or want to, have sex again.

I still recall sticking frozen ice pads in my nether regions to cool the fiery burning and wondering why in the hell I ever wanted children in the first place.

I can still feel the itch of the stitches and the sting of the scar when my husband waggles his eyebrows at me and asks if I'd like to pay homage to his one-eyed snake of passion.

I thought I was alone in mommy blogland, trying to deny the vicious war my cooter waged, when along came Catherine.

The Vagina Whisperer**.

She who talks openly and freely of damaged pink parts and va-jayjay violence.

She is and always will be my Cooter Queen.

For all of you women out there, who have suffered the trials and injuries of bringing life into this world, Catherine is here for you all, shining a light with her words upon broken pussies everywhere.

For the women out there reading her words who have never experienced the trauma of the twat, she is out there, like a light house beacon, showing the world that you can rise above being ripped in half and thrive as a woman and not just a lactating cow.

And for the men out there who will never know what it feels like to carry around a watermelon in your abdomen only to have to push that boulder out of a hole that can only stretch so far; never feel the pain or indignity of having to waddle about and relearn how to walk because some screaming cherub wanted to cling to your insides instead of crawling out like a good baby; Catherine is here to enlighten you.

Her Bad Mother, Catherine, the Vagina Whisperer**.

The true reason I will always love her.

And why I am currently sewing her a pillow with the words "Sisters of the Frankenvulva Unite."

It is the least I can do for my Queen, the woman who whispers womanly truths no man dare think about.

*this post brought to you (with absolutely no shame) by your local Redneck.*

**This post inspired entirely by the witty and delightful Karen Sugarpants, who originally christened Catherine as the Vagina Whisperer. If you haven't wandered over to Ms. Sugarpant's site, please do so. She is currently fundraising to help out another mommy in need, Clusterfook . Besides which, Karen ROCKS.***


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Lovely! Redneck Mommy, you inspire me!

And I, too, have suffered the ravages of childbirth, thus permanently altering the status of my vadoodledoo! I feel your pain! And I appreciate the frankness and openess of the topic! ^_^ Haha

2:27 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Perfect. Makes me almost regret having a vulva-friendly birth. Almost.

2:33 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Today and every day that follows, I defy anyone to keep me from using the phrase 'lovely lotus of love.' Hell, I might just start a band and call it that.


2:41 PM  
Blogger Loralee Choate said...

This is why I love you. "Redneckmommy: Defender of all things genital"

I adore HBM. She is as gracious as they come. I feel bad about her poor hoo-hoo. Catherine is welcome to my vulva. It's not like I'm using it. (Much)


2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am making it my personal mission that this post be recognized as a Five-Star Friday post. BRILLIANT.

2:45 PM  
Blogger Karen Bodkin said...

You totally brought the LOLZ with your post. LOVE.

Thanks for calling attention to Lisa's cause too - mucho appreciation!

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really want you to be sewing that pillow. Please tell me that it's true, and not just a joke. And that it's donut shaped.

I love you both so hard, but damn you for making me snort at work!

3:20 PM  
Blogger Lost In Splendor said...

This was fabulous.

Though my vagina just informed me that we are going to adopt.

3:34 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

oh, god. The Bun had better jsut stay put for the c-section after reading this...

I felt bad for HBM, but I didn't know you were in the same boat. SO sorry, Red.

At least blogger ladies have each other. Glad that you (we) do.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Tania said...

Hee hee - you said, "cooter".

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now it that isn't true friendship, I don't know what is...

When women bond over torn nether regions, an angel gets it wings...or some shit like that. This was hilarious!

4:42 PM  
Blogger Mama Smurf said...

C-Sections are highly under-rated!

5:09 PM  
Blogger moplans said...

oh Redneck, this is just so touching. What stunning tribute to Catherine and her vagina.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Anissa Mayhew said...

I happened to be sitting on Twitter that night...big freaking shock there...the night that you all hatched the Vagina Whisperer. I nearly spewed diet coke across my keyboard and waited...waited because I knew a ROCK-ON post was going to be born of this conversation.

As we celebrate the birth of this post and the creative genius of the three of you to bring it fruition, I only hope no vulvas were injured, nor stitches required.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Tattered twat? Vagina whisperer?

What kind of mommyblog is this anyway?

You're all disgusting. I'm reporting you to the authorities.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Julie Marsh said...

"Broken pussies?"

I didn't think I could laugh any harder than I did that night on Twitter, but I am.

"The Sisterhood of the Broken Pussies" - put that on a pillow.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

best guest post ever!

10:25 PM  
Blogger Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

I second pgoodness - is there an award for best guest blogger and/or best new word (for Frankenvulva)? No? Someone should make one...

10:36 PM  
Blogger Velma said...

8 years since I "Bore 'N Tore" and reading this made my vagina ache... and that is probably the weirdest compliment I've ever given to someone's writing.

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thopgood said it all!

As a veteran of FOUR sections, one of which included a twin birth in which one twin came out vaginally and torn me from here to there (and she STILL has such a huge head, eighteen years later! And when I tell her she is a PAIN IN THE ASS, I MEAN IT!), and the other had to be yanked out surgically, I can say with absolute certainty that I never thought I'd have sex ever again!

Well, I have two more children...

Tanis, thanks for the much needed laugh and insight into your most vagtastic friendship!

10:42 PM  
Blogger Kaza said...

Okay, you people are making me actually (and for the first time) feel GRATEFUL that I had a c-section (not to mention less worried about having a second one next time). And that's in spite of a horrific recovery period. So, in a word, thanks. Srsly.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Childsplayx2 said...

So... which Daddy Blogger would you WANT to touch you if Ms. Frankenvulva didn't. :)

11:14 PM  
Blogger Tina@ SendChocolateNow said...

Love it. The Defender of the shattered 'china.

Somebody had to say it. Cause they LIE about childbirth. The first rule of bad Childbirth is that you don't talk about bad Childbirth.


12:13 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Amen to that! Brings back may eyewatering memories of dreading to pee and having to sit with a sanitary pad over the sore bits so it didn't sting. Oh the indignity.

4:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey Tanis nice to se you over here.catherine will be touched by your post.hahaha! broken pussies.yes i've been there and done that! ouchy ouch.now i'm going to go check out your links on here.

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome guest blog.

I'm kind of terrified of having children now.

And to the person above who was complaining and talking about going to the authorities.. there's nothing disgusting about something as natural as childbirth and the female parts. They're just words.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I've never seen so many words for vajayjay in one place. Awesome! I can't wait to see what lewd google searches lead to this post.

The first time I heard of tearing was when I was already pregnant and had to go through with the birth. Luckily I came out halfway intact. Thank god for stitches in the right places! I'm now creating a shrine to that doctor (right next to the epidural guy).

11:20 AM  
Blogger Crazy Mom of 3 said...

As having had all three spawns by c-section I think my tummy may look like a version of your hoo-ha's. Only (slightly) bigger. I came by on a suggestion from Mommy, I look forward to more.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

@perpetualsmile: the complainer wasn't complaining. She was kidding. It was a joke. What authority is she going to go to? :}

3:26 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Tanis, this post made me want to go get kicked in the balls and then write about it so that I can be the Testicle Whisperer.

Wait. That sounded a lot less gay in my head. I think I just outed myself on Catherine's blog.

3:27 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Good lord but that was funny.

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think I have ever read a better post about vaginas in my life.

Well done.

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well done! It has been just over three years since my little darlin' ripped me to shreds and every day I am reminded of my broken hoo ha, I still don't think that I can walk like I used too. Does it ever get better? and will my feet ever return to my original size?


12:34 AM  

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