Her Bad Mother

Friday, September 28, 2007

Fear And Hope And Love, Oh My

My first pregnancy was - for the first six months - a long gauntlet-run of fear and anxiety. I started bleeding about seven weeks in, and this continued off-and-on until well into the second trimester. I was on permanent miscarriage watch, and spent a great deal of my time in a state of confused terror, never sure when the bleeding would increase, when I would have to go back to the hospital, when I would have to hold my breath and wait for the doctor to search out the heartbeat and tell me that she had no idea what was happening.

I both hated and depended upon my visits to the doctor. Hated, because they were visits motivated by fear. Depended upon, because they represented the only sure place of safety: there, I received my only reassurances in the form of the delicate pulse of the heartbeat, thrumming through the monitor. There, there was always a heart beat. Despite the bleak hormone tests, despite the ever-present blood, there was always a heartbeat breaking the silence of those the cold, bright rooms.

I have my first full prenatal assessment today, and I'm scared. But I'm also counting down the minutes, tapping my feet anxiously, waiting for the moment when they tell me - and they will tell me, they must tell me - everything's okay.


In the meantime, there's a world that needs saving. Or, at least, a world that needs looking out for. A world in which mothers and children need looking out for. So I'm directing my spare energies to those matters, and pushing the worrying aside.

First, I'm throwing all of my available superpowers into the causes of The League Of Maternal Justice, a vigilante effort to right the wrongs perpetrated upon mothers. First Mission: shame Facebook for policies that discriminate against breastfeeding mothers (that is, their insistence that breastfeeding photos violate their standars of decency, while pro-anorexia materials and pics of half-naked pop tarts do not). Second Mission: the Great Breast Fest, an Internet-wide virtual nurse-in and celebration of all things booby, to empower women to be proud of what nature gave them. You've got superpowers, too - boob-powers, heart-powers, MOM-powers (and Dad-powers) - so please... join in.

Second, I'm using all of my available ordinary powers - waking up and walking, primarily - to support my nephew, who has Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy. I'll be getting up before dawn this coming Sunday to walk the 5 kilometre Charity Challenge. I won't, however, be doing it alone - I'm going to have some wonderful, wonderful friends walking with me, friends who have helped me raise over $2000 (and counting - you can still pledge the cause) so far. And there's a long list of more wonderful, wonderful friends - too long to note here, but who will be counted in Tanner's Super Friends Hall of Fame, coming soon - who have helped from afar by sending dollars and good wishes. I'm indebted to all of you.

(If you're in or around the Toronto area, you're still welcome to join us, either for the early morning walk or to help me cheer my sister - who is running the Toronto Waterfront marathon, of which the Charity Challenge is an adjunct event - later that morning. Just send me an e-mail or leave a comment and I'll get you the details.)

Ready. Set. Go.


Blogger karengreeners said...

Good luck today - I'm sure you'll get the reassurance you're looking for.
And good luck on Sunday - I won't be able to waddle along beside you, but I'll be cheering from the couch ;)

10:32 AM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

The first assesment is both a wonder and a dread. But you are going to be fine. More than fine.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you assessment goes well. I know how hard it is the be on loss watch for months on end. It sucks and it steals your joy. I hope this time around things are calmer so you can worry less.

11:45 AM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

I hope your appointment goes well!

And wishing you love and luck on Sunday, such a wonderful cause.

11:47 AM  
Blogger MARY G said...

Wonderful news, and I am wishing like mad that your assessment is perfect. But, I bled with both my pregnancies and had two perfect kids, so if you get a repeat, don't worry too much.
And the Facebook breast ban is truly aggravating. I'm in/


11:50 AM  
Blogger Karla Zamora, Digital Analyst said...

All the best with your appointment today C.

See you bright and early on Sunday...maybe not bright but definitely early:)

11:57 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Makes you understand why TomKat reportedly bought an ultrasound machines, doesn't it? Reassurance any time you need it.

I'll keep thinking happy thoughts for you, and hope all will go just swimmingly. As it were.

12:01 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

Best wishes for your assessment today.

And I'll be cheering you on as you try to remove the stigma from breastfeeding. It was far worse when I was young and there are times it seems nothing has changed.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's hoping today is all good!.


12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wishing you strength and endurance. For today, Sunday and all the days until you meet your newest little one.


12:23 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I've just signed up for the boob-in. Stupid Facebook.

And, good luck!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm with you on those feelings! Healthy baby vibes all around!

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best of luck (and it is luck).

Also, that girl has the BEST clothes. Please tell me where you shop.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

She's already so long and lanky, that WonderBaby. Good luck today.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Good luck today!

2:00 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

She is getting big! Good thoughts sent your way for your appointment.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

May the first assessment be as wonderful as can be.

I won't be able to join you this weekend, but I'll be there in spirit! Good luck!

2:13 PM  
Blogger Cara said...

Hope your first visit goes well! Stay well rested!

3:17 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

Your appointment will be perfect, I just know it.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Best thoughts for your appointment today. Wishing all the best news for the WonderBean. ;)

4:07 PM  
Blogger Motherhood Uncensored said...

I had love/hate relationships with my dr visits as well.

Will send you xanax -- er, well, xanax vibes.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

That picture just tugged at my heart...
My prenatal appointments were always a mix, like you wrote. For one thing, the doctor would always nag me about how much weight I'd gain. It was all baby, I tell you! 70 pounds of baby!

6:25 PM  
Blogger Girlplustwo said...

good luck today, Bad.

6:32 PM  
Blogger S said...

I so hope it went well -- do let us know.

WB is enchanting.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

the timing of this post is ironic. I just went through a miscarriage scare (lots of bleeding) and for some reason I remembered a post you wrote ages ago about bleeding with WB. And, I seriously sat in the waiting room alternating between praying and thinking of that. (and it was okay, kind of). And that faint heartbeat - inexplicable joy.
I hope your assessment went well. Wishing you all the best and much less stress in this pregnancy.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since I cannot get a babysitter, I have to take my firstborn to my first prenatal. Good times...

8:52 PM  
Blogger Phoenix said...

Good Luck HBM. On the baby front and the walk. I wish I had some money to donate....but I'm jobless right now.

Love...no adore the picture. She's so beautiful.

12:24 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh Congratulations!

I missed that previous blog and saw you had like 5000 comments so thought I'd put my congrats here!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending good pregnancy vibes your way!

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope your appointment went well. The first one was always the worst for me - waiting anxiously to see that little blob on the screen from the ultrasound.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

Hope all went well at your appointment.

I saw the most amazing breast crawl video at Mom on the Run the other day. If you have never watched a newborn baby work his/her way to a mother's breast, you should check it out. It completely crushes any argument that breastfeeding is not natural.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I hope that appointment went well and this pregnancy is smoother. Happy news from over here very soon!

2:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Big. big congratulations! And good luck in everything, your prenatal visit and your activism/charity endeavors. (Please walk carefully.)

It is all so much work but I understand your determination to Tanner's cause. In the last year we've had a little girl with CF born into our circle. Her condition is never very far from our thoughts.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Congrats, and good luck today!

12:05 PM  
Blogger the mystic said...

Ack, it's been too long since I've been here! I didn't know you were pregnant -- so congratulations and many prayers for a happy first prenatal visit, an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby and mama!

3:37 PM  
Blogger CrisisWorker said...

I hope the pre-natal went well. And that this pregnancy is less anxiety ridden for you.

And good for you - taking a stand against the porn mongers that is facebook. Morons. No, they give morons a bad name.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

First of all, Wonderbaby's outfit is just too freaking cute!!!!

Secondly.... I hope this pregnancy runs a bit more smoothly so you can sit back and enjoy it a bit!!!

I had all my bloodwork done today (HIV test, blood count....whatever else they need like a MILLION tubes of blood for!) My first ultrasound is next Wed when I should get to hear the heartbeat and get an accurate due date :) :)

7:35 PM  

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