Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Bad Toyz, Bad Toyz: What'cha Gonna Do?

Edits! Now with more Bad!

Amidst all of the discussion the other day about Bratz Dolls and whether Smurfette could take any one of them in a Doll-On-Ho-Doll Smackdown, there were a few gentle inquiries about WonderBaby's lovey, the object that accompanies her on all sleeps and all journeys to Buffalo Containment Facilities and which bears an unfortunate resemblance to a certain nether appendage of the male anatomy in its tumescent state:

Still Life with Phallic Lovey.

Still Life with Phallic Lovey, Flaccid.

For the record, the Phallic Lovey is only accidentally phallic. It began life as a Pottery Barn Plush Stacking Ring Set, but the Plush Rings are long disappeared, very possibly purloined by feral cats. So it is that the Lovey Ring-Stand, sans Rings, is now just a Lovey Stand, and a disturbingly phallic one at that.

We tried, we really did, to imagine it as other things:

Still Life with Mushroom Cloud, mixed media (or 'How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Paper-Cuts')

But it didn't quite work - turn that picture sideways, and you're right back to phallus, only this time dipped in Philadelphia Whipped Cream Cheese with creepy stick figures stuck to the side. You're really no better off, then, are you? And in any case, is a story about thermonuclear war in an alternate paper universe really a more appropriate biography for a lovey than Priapus-Gone-Plushy?

There's just no escaping it: it's phallic, and more than a little bit disturbing. (As evidenced by my experiences taking it through airport security during our recent travels: And what is that, ma'am? It's a lovey. A lovey for who, ma'am? For my daughter? Please step to the side, ma'am.)

But however disturbing, it is much-loved, and we haven't the heart - or the nerve - to take it away from WonderBaby, who keeps it with her at all times.

Except, of course, when Kermie has it:

Portrait of Priapic Muppet.

I may not really be a bad mother, but there seems to be no question that I am, after all is said and done, a filthy-minded one.


Oooh, baby, you want more Bad? Moremoremoremore?

You can listen to me wax Bad with the delicious Rebecca and Romi of TrueMomConfessions this afternoon (Thursday, May 10, 2pmPST/5pmEST - I'll be on around 5:30, I'm told - you can click through HERE) about why it is that we all like so much to say that we're badbadbad and resist admitting that we're actually goodgoodgood. You know, that thing we were all talking about last week, while we were all sitting around, blogging, drunk and naked?

It'll be some good bad fun.


Blogger Jenny said...

OMG, thank you for the laughs today!

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So funny!!! I just about busted a gut reading that one. Love it, love ya, and love the lovey.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Slackermommy said...

I almost peed my pants at the Kermit one!

1:47 PM  
Blogger DD said...

Do you actually call it "lovey"? I was feeling a bit shamed that my son's lovey is actually a cloth diaper, but you my dear? That's the cherry on top.

Hmmmm....whip cream, cherries, plush phallics...good times.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Bahahaha! You are hilarious, HBM.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Amy Jo said...

I am dying!

My son has a similar plush ring stacker which has also suffered the loss of rings. He seems to really enjoy walking around with the ring stand in his mouth. So far I've resisted taking a picture, but it's only a matter of time!

Thank you a million times over for the hilarity!

2:38 PM  
Blogger Run ANC said...

I was feeling kind of bad yesterday, because the lovey was the thing that I immediately focused on in your beautiful zoo picture. Glad to know I'm not the only one with the dirty mind, at least.

2:44 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

Holy crap the mushroom cloud killed me.

2:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I just peed in my panties a little.

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's freaking hilarious.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Beck said...


3:10 PM  
Blogger toyfoto said...

This made me happy. Really, really happy.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

i am beyond horrified by that last picture. scarred for life, in fact. thanks for that. :-P

3:35 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

Flaccid lovey is impressive, to say the least.

Now stay out of my top drawer.

3:36 PM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Aren't we all?

I am, however, not envious of the hits you're going to get with repeated mentions of priapus, muppets and cream cheese in this post (not to mention the naked dancing boys in your corner of heaven). Get ready for your stats to skyrocket! Just can't get away from that phallic imagery...

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that's a Dirty Wow Wow.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

and to think I though it was an object made out of cement...

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! Thanks so much for the laughs...this is abso-freakin'-lutely hysterical. And thanks to my friend for turning me on to this blog! (no pun intended...lol)

4:00 PM  
Blogger Piddler said...

I'll never feel the same about Kermit again.

4:07 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Nothin' wrong with a little filth!

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is by far the funniest post I've read today! I needed the laughs! Thank you :)

4:16 PM  
Blogger Motherhood Uncensored said...

Seriously, you know some freak at PBK was like -- "Dude, look what happens when you take all the rings off" *laughing heartily*

But that flaccid penis just looks more like a really tired out post-sex wanger.

Or Whiskey dick.

NOT that I know anything about either of those.

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh gosh... after a terrible day (passport office + 6 month old = bad bad day) thanks for an incredible laugh!

I will *never* look at Kermit in quite the same way...

4:19 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

I have bought one of these for a gift...I hope they have forgiven me!

Thanks for a much needed laugh. I think there should be a coming out lovey post day...this can't be the only uh interesting lovey out there.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Major Bedhead said...

Who needs Ron Jeremy when you have Kermie, the wonder-schlong?

5:31 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

LOL, that's awesome. Some days I'm glad Cordy got attached to a pink and white puppy. I'd hate to have to explain that one everywhere I went. But at least you've thought it over and have some great comebacks for anything people could say to you.

5:35 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

you have outdone yourself. Brilliant. Sick. Twisted. But brilliant.

6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ummm...where can we get one of these? Bah-hahahahah! Thanks. Now I feel better. Snort.

6:19 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I am laughing, I am blushing... oh sweet juju, am I turned on? Kidding... or am I? When is my hubby getting home from work?...

7:18 PM  
Blogger the new girl said...

I always knew that there was *something* about Kermit.

I'm too pregnant to laugh that hard.


8:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is the BEST LOVEY ever....What a great thing to have....I can't wait for WonderBaby's teenage years...are ya gonna torment her??? I totally would!!! tee hee

8:27 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

That is spectacular! Thanks.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Sarahviz said...

No wonder why Miss Piggy had such a thing for Kermie. Smart pig, that one.

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can only imagine Freud's take on all of this funny business! hehehehe!

9:34 PM  
Blogger Animal said...

I just absolutely love that you actually created a paper diorama for the Mushroom Cloud Lovey.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

I can't wait until Wonderbaby is about 16 and you show her the photos of her 'lovey'.

That photo of it with Kermit is awesome.

9:55 PM  
Blogger Julie Marsh said...

I always wondered what Kermie's weenie looked like.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gawd...it's the colour!!!

What else can you think!!!

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohmygod. I was having a good giggle and then I got to The Kermit Photo...I think I just woke the Magpie up with my laughing :)

It's about the look on his little green face...

11:40 PM  
Blogger the mystic said...

Oh you are baaaaad! I'm cracking up.

1:55 AM  
Blogger JChevais said...

OMGoodness. Thank you for the laugh today on this weird cold Parisian morning. As I sit in the office and pretend to be busy...

I guess pretending it's a toadstool wouldn't help either.

4:44 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Jchevais - we actually refer to it as The Toadstool in mixed company. At home (and this is why we're going to hell) we call it The Phallus; in public, it's The Toadstool ('oh, yeah, THAT - that's her toadstool. No, really, it's a toadstool.')

Problem is, once you've seen Kermie with it, TOAD-STOOL starts to sound like toads-TOOL...

8:22 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

We had one of those, but from Lamaze, which was not quite so plushy, more definitely cylindrical and with fabric that was not fluffy, but oddle patterned with things like zebra... Which, somehow, did not stop the joking and waving it about much.

8:47 AM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I'm laughing so hard I can't come up with anything other than LOLOLOLOL.

9:18 AM  
Blogger Michelle Constantinescu said...

Holy crap! This is so funny. My son has a toy that features what is supposed to be a purple microphone. Similar embarrassing situation. Oh, to simply turn it into a mushroom cloud! Thanks for the fits of hysterical laughter!!!

9:24 AM  
Blogger liz said...


The Kermie pic made me snarf my coffee. Thanks for the laughs, and the coffee stains.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO!!! * seriously-- I fell off my chair!!

10:32 AM  
Blogger Karen Bodkin said...

MU's Whiskey Dick made me snort.

AMEN to Bad Toyz!

Remember these:

Baaaad toys! Mouthy too!

10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha good gosh i snorted juice up my nose.you are too funny for words sometimes HBM.that pic of kermie is too funny!toads tool.good one my friend.i will be laughing all day.so thanks.we all know laughing is good for the soul.LAVENDULA

11:00 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Ahahaha! Omg. That is the funniest thing I've read all week. I love how your mind works... You know, in the gutter, right next to mine.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

I'm trying to eat lunch here & you keep making me snort diet coke up my nose!

12:56 PM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...


Oh I LOVE living in the gutter.

I pretend to be confused by my children's scataogical humor obsession but I'm not really. They come by it honestly. ;)

1:25 PM  
Blogger MrsEvilGenius said...

Oh dear god I laughed until I had to stop reading because of the tears. You SO rock.

I'm terribly disappointed that neither of my girls has a phallic lovey.

Clearly I'M the Bad Mother here.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

that picture of kermie is just wrong wrong wrong


I heard he takes it from behind.

4:05 PM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

That was just way funnier than what is normally legal.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Erin M said...

I must need to get laid b/c i knew what it was from the get go. Kermit is priceless.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. You evil bitch. It HURTS.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH. MY. GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! I can't catch my breath, I'm laughing so hard ...must not wake children....
ROLFMAO. Thanks.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

"And what is that, ma'am? It's a lovey. A lovey for who, ma'am? For my daughter? Please step to the side, ma'am."

O M G ! Funniest thing I've read all day!! You always crack me up whether it's on Twitter or your blog! Thank you, Sweetie! :D

a.k.a. kcgirlgeek

9:11 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Ah, all... if I have made just one person laugh today, I will have made the world a better place. However, I have also pornified the Muppets and so have shat, just a little bit, upon everyone's childhood, and so am probably going to hell anyway.

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG, phallic lovey rules all! Oh, and I think Ginga is right - Kermie most definitely takes it from behind.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Cathy, Amy and Kristina said...

Aaackk! OMG, too damn funny.

Who'd have thought Kermie was so well-endowed? No wonder Miss Piggy was so ... well... enamoured.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Mad said...

Sometimes a lovey is just a lovey.

Bad, you have conquered the blogging world today. May I suggest you take a turn at slasher fiction tomorrow. I can see a Kermie SLASH Fozzie forbidden passion story in all of this.

11:17 PM  
Blogger savia said...

This is absolutely brilliant! Thanks for making my day.

12:49 AM  
Blogger Candace April said...

Hysterical--especially the mushroom cloud one! I needed the laugh.

11:07 AM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

There I sat, innocently scrolling down through the phallic post when I reached....


I'm still laughing hysterically over here.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Kris Underwood said...

Oh. My. God. Halarious!!!
Oh Kermie! I always knew you were a little raunchy!!

10:26 PM  
Blogger Kris Underwood said...

Oh, yes, the mushroom cloud was brilliant..

10:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just sent the link to this page to everyone I know! Plus a few random's that just need the stifled gurgle at work as they desperately check over their shoulder to see who's watching. Absolutely fabulous!

6:43 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That Kermit picture is the funniest thing ever!! Thanks for the laughs!

12:40 PM  

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