Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Things You Can't Tell Just By Looking At Her

Because my favorite British redhead-cum-superheroine said that she would hose me down with breastmilk if I didn’t do this meme…

Herewith, six weird things about me:

1. I don’t drive. I could if I wanted to – that is, if I overcame my fear of operating heavy machinery, learned to drive, and acquired a license – but I don’t. The only problem is this: it’s hard to be a soccer mom on a bicycle. So I will either need to keep WonderBaby out of soccer, or learn to drive, someday.

2. I am claustrophobic. I think. I have never actually been in a tightly enclosed space, but I once saw a documentary about spelunking that made me hyperventilate.

3. I have spider-monkey toes. I could roll cigarettes with them, if I were a smoker, and the type of smoker who rolled her own tobacco, which I’m not, but still. I could, if I wanted to.

4. I was once held against my will on a Greek island. (I’ve already told this story, I know, but it is by far the weirdest Thing That You Don’t Know About Me and only six of you were reading this blog when I first told it, so I offer it again.)

5. I’m 99.9% certain that I once saw the Sasquatch. My family was camping in the area of Harrison Lake, and my sister and I were exploring around our campsite when we heard a crashing sound and looked up to see a dark, hairy, humanoid figure crashing through trees, running away from us. As a grown woman, I now realize that it might just have been a really big, hairy, naked hippie, startled out of a sylvan reverie by what no doubt appeared, through a potty haze, to be two small, hostile hamadryads. But I think that the Sasquatch story is better, so I’m sticking with it.

6. I once appeared in a music video for a Spanish heavy metal band. And a TV commercial for a chain of hair salons in Spain. And a training video for that same chain of hair salons. And a promotional video for a nightclub on the northeast coast of Spain. Which is to say that I would have been this close to being Penelope Cruz, were it not for the following indisputable facts: a) I am not a dark-eyed, ebony-haired Spanish beauty (I am, instead, a blue-eyed, fair-haired Canadian of middling attractiveness), b) I have never dated Tom Cruise, and b) Spanish heavy metal videos and chain-salon commercials are not the same as Almodovar movies.

7. I once stuck the suction-cup end of a cat toy to my forehead in an effort to amuse an ungrateful Siamese cat and ended up with a dollar-coin-sized hickey-like mark on said forehead that I could not cover up with makeup. That same year, I shot myself in the forehead (the very same forehead) with a champagne cork. My forehead has seen a lot of action. Which is why I’ve always worn bangs.

8. I’m bad at math.

I hereby smack, on the forehead, with the tag stick: Mimi, Mama Tulip, Mommy-Like Days, Karen and (I know I know I know that this is wishful thinking to the nth degree, but Joy tagged the notoriously meme-shy Mom-101 and so the bar has been raised) Amalah.

Tell you what, if everybody that I've tagged does this meme, I will adopt the doll pictured below, currently languishing in the suburban wastelands of Toronto while her owner tries to pawn her off on Craigslist ("this is a one-eyed doll and it is free 4 u"):

Save Hawaiian Cyclops Doll

If anyone else has a hankering to share their deepest, darkest, weirdest secrets while contributing to a doll rescue mission, consider yourself tagged. Let me know if you decide to help out.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is a great list of weird things...May I call you Penelope from now on?

Thank you for sharing your weirdness...I did this one, so if you care about my weirdness...come on over.

7:52 PM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Well, it's good to know I'm not the only one who's ever thought sticking a suction cup to her body would be a good idea. I went for the arm though.

Your story about Creepy Creepopolis gave me the heeby geebies. Haven't we all done stuff we probably shouldn't have in hindsight? I think I was just lucky not to be held against my will by a freak.

8:44 PM  
Blogger kirida said...

Great list. I would bet that I'm far worse at math than you are, but I think betting involves math (or logic or something left-brained and beyond me) and so I wouldn't get very far in that comparison.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Ben and Bennie said...

If I ever do a heavy metal band video you will be first choice young lady. I request Spandex and wavy hair. I can't pull that off anymore but...well...I forgot where I was going with that. My black leather days are over. Did I tell you I'm over 40?

8:50 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Your Greek story gave me chills! Oh my, I'd never be able to eat Spanakopita again! And, you know, there may be a market for cigarettes rolled by monkey toes. Great list.

9:01 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Woo! What a crazy list! I'll do my best to live up to the standard you've set here. Good thing some wild and crazy stuff has gone down in my wacky wacky life ... ;-)

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

liz is meme-shy? oh gawwwwwd!

that thing about your toes is just gross. can;t wait to witness it in RL!!!

the greek story--can you believe that was the first entry i ever read by you. and see how far we have come. SEEE!!!!


9:17 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I too have spider monkey toes and I am totally hot now that I know that you were a Heavy Metal video babe. Spanish, sure, whatever. Can I call you Tawny Kitaen? ;)

9:29 PM  
Blogger Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Will you be including a complimentary eye patch with the Hawaiian Cyclops doll? It would be the polite thing to do.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

famous in Spain, now are we?? lol - bizarrely great list!

You gotta watch out for those hairy hippies, man...

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a fabulous list! Thanks for sharing, and thanks for giving the un-motoring among us an excuse to invoke your august personage even MORE often: "Her Bad Mother doesn't drive either, y'know."

11:39 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

ha, i think yours is better than mine. but i have, in fact, done this meme once before, if you find these sorts of things at all interesting: http://katronika.blogspot.com/2006/12/six-things-you-really-didnt-need-to.html

11:41 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I also have prehensile toes. It's so useful, isn't it! Except my shoes are two sizes larger than my sister's shoes. Her feet are the exact same size, but she didn't get the long toes.

12:48 AM  
Blogger Scribbit said...

The hickey thing has happened around here. Though imagine what the damage is when it's a central vac instead of a mere suction cup.

Oops. Boys always learn the hard way.

1:05 AM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

I have played Monopoly with my toes and I was banker too so I had to hand out the money with my toes. It is nice to meet another person with cool feet.

2:16 AM  
Blogger Not From Lapland said...

I would pay good money to see anybody having to endure the humiliation of walking round with a big hicky on their forehead for a week!

Great list.

3:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're weird, Penelope. But hilarious and I bet always the funniest perosn in a a group of people


5:10 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Yikes! The Greek Creep! What a story. When I think back to all the stupid risks I took in my twenties...oy.

(Good think our daughters won't, right?)

7:06 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

My early 20s are just HORRIFYING to look back on now - how, precisely, did I survive them?
I don't drive either, for presisely the same reasons you don't. I am license free. How very odd to encounter another non-driver.
That may have been my uncle you saw while camping - he likes to go camping naked and he is a very hairy man.

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so brave.i wouldn't know what weirdness to even start with.and wow that greek guy was creepy.and sasquatches cool.i thought i saw a UFO once when i was a teenager.and,no,i don't drive either.in fact i even hate being in cars with other people driving.LAVENDULA

10:49 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

The weirder you get, the more I love you. Meanwhile, everything about me is weird - it's not that I'm meme shy (notoriously so), I just don't know where to start!

I'll think on it...

10:54 AM  
Blogger Mommy-Like Days said...

OK--you're on. But this may take some effort since I'm *so* normal ;)

11:32 AM  
Blogger Radioactive Tori said...

That doll looks exactly like the one who was my very best friend when I was little! I donated her to charity or threw her out or something a few years ago, but seriously, she was so special to me when I was little. I named her Jenny, because that was what I wanted my name to be. I painted her nails, cut her hair, everything. Thanks for the little trip down memory lane with that photo.

Your meme was cool too. I prefer to think of them as "things that make a person interesting" rather than weird things.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

My compassion overflows. and my efforts to save baby cyclops are posted. That doll could really use some bratzing and only Wonderbaby can save it! Please rescue it and give Wonderbaby some glue, some googly eyes and some feathers or some type of bling (maybe that other evening glove?)

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not entirely certain that doll needs to be saved. She scares me a little. And also, isn't it a weird coincidence that she also has fair hair and bangs?

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just did this meme at the end of January. (http://www.mamatulip.com/?p=488) But I love that you tagged me and so I am going to try and come up with a few quirks of mine that I haven't already disclosed.

1. I almost always remember my dreams. If I don't immediately recall them when I wake up, they come back to me during the day. I remember dreams that I had when I was a small child...they just stay with me.

2. Although I am one of the clumsiest people around, I've never broken a bone other than a toe.

3. I started going grey when I was 24.

4. I would rather drive standard. I hate automatic.

5. I have always been attracted to very skinny British-looking men. Funny, because my husband looks nothing like a skinny Brit.

6. I once walked right through a crime scene without even realizing it. Oops.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Thanks for sharing the weirdness. Who knew you were such a hot item in Spain?! Hey, and you can get that doll for forehead target practice.

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm...this also made it's round in the MSN spaces world.

Mine aren't nearly as interesting. Why does that always happen to me.

BTW-I'm new, love your blog! I think I got here through B.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Spanish heavy metal band? Wow, a veriable cerlebrity! It reminds me of the time I was a Samurai extra in a Japanese movie. And yes, I am blonde. :-)

6:09 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Yeah, um, SO FAR from celebrity. Z list, maybe, not even enough to get on a Spanish reality show. Which is, perhaps, for the best. (But SAMURAI? That's cool.)

7:39 PM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

That suction cup thing made my day

10:04 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Fine. No more lurking around here...were you trying to give me a heart attack!

Thanks for stopping by, I am honoured beyond words, or punctuation probably.

I am working on my meme right now. I am still deciding what is truly weird, it is kind of hard to be objective about that you know?

Yours was fab and feet will be on my list for sure.

10:24 PM  
Blogger S said...

I've got double-jointed fingers and toes. I can move my fifth (littlest) toe without moving any other toes.

Too much information, right?

10:37 PM  
Blogger the mystic said...

I'm relieved to hear there's a chance Sasquatch is really out there -- I knew I wasn't completely crazy!

11:19 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Hey, this is my first time at your blog, but I enjoyed the stories so much I'll definetly be back...and might have to "tag" myself as well and post some strange stories on my own blog!

11:36 PM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

Oh, you are BAD, you guilt-tripper.

BTW, when I was a kid our babysitter's husband stuck a suction-cup toy to his head and couldn't get it off. 30+ years later my parents are still telling the story.

12:04 AM  
Blogger The Estrogen Files said...

ROTFL!! You so funny! Love the unadoptable doll. How come they odn't just throw it away?

12:07 AM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

I was one of the original readers of the Greece story! I feel like an old timer. :)

I love to drive nad it boggles my mind that people choose not to. Do you have great public transit there? Cause I'm thinking it's mighty cold on a bike in Canada in the winter time.

1:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have taken on the challenge...check it out.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Transit system, Annie? We use sled dogs up here in Canada.

1:11 PM  
Blogger wayabetty said...

Oh my goodness! I can't imagine myself not being able to drive. I'll be a prisoner in my own home. We live in the boonies and it would be hard to go any where.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yowza. That whole Greek island business - I'd have done it too. I mean, gone for the job. Not held you captive. Eeek.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Tania said...

I was tagged by someone else, but if I can help to save just one more doll, I'll let you take the credit for it.

11:18 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I can't believe you did a meme! That said:

1. I don't drive either.

4. I recall that story! But I think it might be topped by 5 and/or 6.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Suburban Gorgon said...

Best. List. Ever.

12:18 AM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

That is the creepiest doll ever.

Now, I have freakishly long toes too. Which matches my freakishly hairy body.

Could be that I was the Sasquatch you saw running around out there. My husband loves my inner Yeti.

And while I have never tried suction cupping my forehead, does the fact that my brother used to stick a plunger on my stomach and carry me around while I was stuck to it, count? A little baby redneck on a stick. A redneck popsicle if you wish.

Try covering up that bruise! Gawd, I hope my mother made me wash after that. Who knows where that plunger was....

12:09 PM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

It's such a coincidence because Bossy has just been nominated for the Share The Vole awards! Or maybe it's a rat.


4:52 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I had to help this doll! She's no Velveteen Rabbit, but how can we just let her wither away?

I went to work to help her with my new blog.

#2. I can relate--I can't stand the thought of spelunking and just having my nose blocked makes me practically panic.That sounds unrelated, but I think it may actually be some form of claustophobia.

11:49 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

That doll is truly frightening.

8:15 PM  

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