Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Clockwatching

Last night, I curled up in bed with my little girl. She lay her head against my arm and gripped my fingers with her tiny hand and whispered, I want you to stay here, Mommy.

Yes, I said. I want you to stay here, too.

And then I rested my cheek against the crown of her head and closed my eyes and inhaled the sweet, soapy smell of baby shampoo, felt the silk of her hair, heard the whisper of her breath and I thought, I want you to stay here, like this, always, curled against me, warm, safe. And I thought, I want you to stay here, like this, for years and years to come, until the days when you and I no longer fit together in this wee bed, when you are grown and I am old and your arms are the stronger. When we will still find comfort in each other. When you will still be my baby, only grown.

I thought these things, and I looked up at the clock atop her dresser and watched as the minute hand took one deliberate click forward. I looked up at the clock and I wondered, how would it feel if I were counting these minutes? These hours? These days?

It is not possible to hold a child too close, or for too long.

A family lost a child this week. Maybe it was the famous family, the one that we are all reading about it and talking about. Or perhaps it was another family, a family unknown to us, a family in Burma or Kinshasa or the Gaza Strip or Oshawa, Ontario or Saguenay, Quebec. Perhaps it was many families; perhaps it was many children. We lose count; we stop paying attention. We stop paying attention, unless the child is lost to someone that we know, someone that we know of. Then we remember. Every hour of every day, somewhere, someone suffers what we fear most. What I fear most.

My family is losing a child. Our loss is not sudden; it will not be unexpected. It's a slow loss, but an inevitable loss; the hands of the clock tick forward slowly, deliberately, inexorably. We count on those hands ticking slowly; we measure their movements carefully, reassuring ourselves that the pace holds steady, that there is no leap forward, that this particular clock never advances an unnecessary hour, that our days hold ample daylight. It's a slow loss, but an inevitable one.

We are better off, of course, for the trickling pace of this loss. We have many days, many hours, with this child. Not near as many as we would like, but still: we have time to spend and cherish, time to postpone our goodbyes and to pretend that their place on the horizon will hold its distance. My sister can wrap her body around Tanner's and feel the beat of his heart and the warmth of his breath; she can brush her hand across his forehead and whisper in his ear and assert her love for him in the now and know, as surely as his hand tightens around hers, that he hears her, that he knows. But the clock ticks over her head - over his - and she counts these hours, these minutes, these seconds. Every movement of the minute-hand is a movement lost, a moment lost, one minute less in a cherished life that is measured by the clock.

My mother called on Christmas Eve, a thick edge to her voice, the edge of a third glass of wine, the edge of regret seeking reassurance. I miss you so much, she said. I miss Emilia, and Jasper. I'll bet Emilia's so excited for Santa. She laughed, uncertainly. I wish we could be together. I wish I could be there, I would move there in a heartbeat, but I can't be there, because I need to be here, with Tanner. A pause. He's really gone downhill. He's declining really quickly. He's not going to last more than another few years, maybe. Another pause; the clink of a glass. After he's gone...

- I know.

After he's gone...


- I know.


After Tanner is gone, time will stop, and then it will start again, without him. I don't like thinking about this. I was upset with my mother for reminding me of this on a night that I wanted to spend in thrall to the optimism of Christmas - fear not, for behold: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people - and to the sweet prospect of waking up to tiny pajamaed children filled with glee. I wanted my own now, free of sadness, free of the prospect of death, free of fear of that black hole of timelessness opening up and swallowing us all. I wanted to not walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I resented my mother for pulling me alongside her in her stroll. And that was wrong.

It was wrong because I am so, so fortunate to be able live my life with my own children, free of the clock, free of the incessant clang of the tolling bell, free of the the hourglass, the blind sands - free, at least, in my ignorance of, my deafness to, the tick, the clang, the passage of the sands that mark the time that passes for each of us. It was wrong because I am so fortunate, and I need to remain mindful of, and grateful for, that fortune. I can hold my daughter or my son and not think, here passes one more moment, here we move one step closer to death, here is one less embrace that we will share. I have a life with them, a now with them, that is free of visible shadows. I am blessed. And I am insufficiently appreciative of this blessing.

I pay little mind to the time that passes with my own children, apart from vague reflections upon the pace of their growth and the fleeting beauty of their babyhood. I mark Tanner's time, I count it on my fingers and toes, I spend hours, awake at night, calculating how many more visits we have, how we shall spend those visits, how best we might use our time, how we might take time and wrest timelessness from it, in the form of memory. But I forget to mark the rest of time; I forget that I do not have infinite stores of time to spend with my children; I forget that the bell tolls as much for us as it does for Tanner, the only difference being that we do not know when its tolling will stop.

I do not pause often enough; I do not often enough stop and hold my children, just for the sake of holding on. I do not take as much time as I should to just hold them and listen to their hearts beat and feel their breath upon my cheek and their hands warm within my own and hear the tick of the clock - feel the tick of the clock - and be grateful for every. single. second. In ignoring time, I am doomed to lose it. I need to take time, take measure of time, give thanks for time, for whatever stocks of time that I am blessed to have. With Tanner, with Jasper, with Emilia, with all whom I love and with whom I wish to have more time, always more time.


Hug your children today; hug them, and let time stop, and then, when it starts again? Thank the heavens for it.

*******

My sister, Chrissie, will be running, this weekend, in a marathon to raise money for Duchenne's research. There's no cure for Duchenne's, but there's always hope, and Chrissie is running, as always, for this hope. With my words, I can cheer her on, and I can ask others to cheer, and to help by cheering and to cheer by helping.

You can donate in Tanner's name HERE. It probably won't change the ending to this story, but it will help the narrative maintain a recurring theme of hope. And that, right now, is all.

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102 Comments:

Blogger Karen Sugarpants said...

Tragic, raw, beautiful writing Catherine...you have me in tears again as I think about your family. Much love to you.

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

Oy, you brought me to tears. I am back at work for a short time before I become a stay at home mom and this is the longest I have ever been apart from my 3mos old. I spend all day sitting at work thinking the few hours tonight with him before he goes to bed are TOO SHORT. So, you hit home with me today, your post was very sweet and I enjoyed reading, albeit through tears. :)

2:42 PM  
Blogger Denise said...

Wow. That was very powerful and inspiring. Makes me want to go hold my kids and never let go.

2:42 PM  
Blogger anniemom said...

Oh God. Thank you, Catherine. Just when I thought I couldn't do another night of constant nursing, another morning of a rainy day with my 2 year old and my 3 month old, just then... I feel the powerful boost of gratitude. Yes, I will hold them.

2:43 PM  
Anonymous She Likes Purple said...

This is one of the most beautiful things I've read in ages. I'm a month out from my due date, and I thank you for this reminder before my son has even gotten here. Just ... thank you.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

I won't say this didn't hurt to read. I am so sorry for what you and your family are facing. I just hope that you'll all find the strength around you when the time comes. We're all here for you.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Kara said...

I think I will snuggle a little longer and hold her a little tighter tonight...thanks for the gentle reminder. :)

2:51 PM  
Blogger K said...

That was really beautiful and gutwrenching and true. Huge hugs...huge hugs...

3:01 PM  
Blogger Don Mills Diva said...

I will Catherine.

Thank you for making sure that I will.

3:09 PM  
Blogger Niksmom said...

I ache for the impending change in your family's life —whenever it happens. Your post is raw, poignant, beautiful. Having lived the in that surreal hell of not knowing how long my child would live (IF he would live) after he was born, I am so grateful for the five years we have had together so far —regardless of the struggles and needs. I try not to take a day for granted but it's easy to get complacent. To think "My God, boy, would you please just play by yourself a while so I can get (insert mundane task here) done?"

I'm getting offline now and going to spend the afternoon building block towers with Nik. xo

3:16 PM  
Blogger the slackmistress said...

This is one of those blog posts that is both incredibly moving and yet no one should have to write.

My cousin lost a child in 1998. Elise was four. I remember sitting at the funeral thinking that this couldn't possibly be happening. Even though we knew it was coming, there was no way to prepare. It's truly a terrible thing to witness when you can't do anything but try to hold up the people around you.

My best to you and your family.

3:21 PM  
Blogger CP said...

Just beautiful. And painful but such a necessary reminder in our lives.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

very sad, but beautifully-put. and very true. you have a wonderful way of placing your feelings on the page, and i wish you and your family continued best.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Your writing is exquisite. Very beautiful. When's your book deal?
Best wishes as always! Love visiting your blog!

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Sherry said...

Here in our house, we sometimes lose sight of things like time, and fret over the little tiny things rather than enjoy them. Thank you for reminding us to do that.

I'm so, so sorry for pain and yes, I will snuggle a little longer and tighter tonight.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Amo said...

Thank you for reminding us all of the value of a minute.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Kaitlyn said...

What powerful writing, and an excellent point.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Loralee Choate said...

I have thought often of you and your family and your sister and your sweet nephew, knowing what they are about to face.

This just rips my heart to pieces but it is also so beautiful and loving.

You are all blessed to have such love with one another.

My thoughts are with you.

3:41 PM  
Blogger rebcram said...

Crying. I cannot imagine. But I will hug my two closer than usual today, thinking and remembering.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

I will and my kids are going to look at me funny but it is so worth it. They are worth it.

3:49 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

I am so sorry to hear about Tanner. I am so sorry for anyone who has to face losing a child.

It's bittersweet, because at the same time, I am thankful for the reminder to take time/

3:51 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

oh, that's so sweet, catherine. and truly heartbreaking. yet hopeful, because we do have time, and we can do our best to enjoy it. because i lost my dad so early, i think often of the time i have left with my mom. i lie in her arms still, fully grown, and sometimes, when i say goodbye at the airport, i cry. time is so precious.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Cat said...

Time marches on.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Angella said...

Thank you for the reminder, Catherine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Maggie, Dammit said...

Holding mine right now as she sleeps, and taking a good deep inhale of her scent.... even if it does smell like the flu. ;)

Beautiful, as always.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Mommy Melee said...

Until I gave birth to my first son, I never TRULY stopped to think, couldn't possibly understand the crushing fearpainpanic of even vaguely contemplating losing a child.

It's a very real spectre hanging over all of us.

4:22 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

And this is the reminder we must share and spread especially when we get caught up in the unimportant stuff. Thank you for putting it in your beautiful words.

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Elaine said...

That was beautiful. Thank you for the reminder. One of my favorite quotes about time (actually about friendship, but to me it's just as strongly about how we live) is from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet." "For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?/ Seek him always with hours to live."

4:45 PM  
Blogger Haley-O said...

Thank you for this poignant reminder to appreciate the time we have with our loved ones. Two of my parents' closest friends lost children -- one suddenly and unexpected, and one of cystic fibrosis.... I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I wish there were words to comfort. There just aren't -- except, as you remind us, to appreciate every day, and to pray.

4:48 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

A beautiful reminder.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I do thank the heavens and every force of nature that I have been so blessed and so lucky to have my three healthy children. My heart aches for your family.

4:51 PM  
Blogger mom2nji said...

Oh God, my heart is breaking for your family and for any family that faces such a huge loss. There are too many days when I take those minutes for granted..even days when I cant wait for those minutes to tick down to bedtime. I have 3 boys, my oldest is autistic. On those days when I feel like there are too many minutes, I have a pity party over the autism. Next time that happens I will remember... that even though its not easy, I HAVE my boys near me to snuggle and love and that is the biggest blessing I could ask for. Thank you for your beautiful reminder.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Dana said...

this post is so touching, even though it is heartbreaking. i have moments in my life when I cry because I know my son will grow up. I cry because I know someday I'll be old and time will go quickly.

sigh.

I hate how the clock keeps ticking. but I just have to remember that death is not the end. it's only the beginning. i believe that and it makes me feel calm. better.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Thank you for this post - it's beautiful.

5:29 PM  
Blogger PDX Mama said...

Thank you for that reminder. That was beautiful.

I am so sorry for all that you and your family are going through with Tanner. It's just so dreadfully unfair.

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Jessica said...

Immediately before reading this, I had a stubborn, angry argument with my four-year-old. Our relationship is strained since the birth of her brother, her perceived displacement in the family. Thank you, dearly, for reminding me of our blessings. Thank you for putting it all in perspective. I had lost sight. When the tears pass and my vision clears, I will see these blessings as they are.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

This physically hurts my chest to read.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Perksofbeingme said...

This is beautiful and haunting at the same time. It brings the reality of mortality to life. It makes me pay attention to the fact that all my kids at MDA camp don't have much time. It makes me realize that I need to spend that much more time with my nieces. Thank you for putting everything into perspective. This was beautiful and haunting at the same time.

7:11 PM  
Blogger O said...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

7:13 PM  
Blogger J from Ireland said...

Amazing writing. My heart breaks for you and your whole family. Best wishes.

7:44 PM  
Anonymous Stephenie said...

Thank you for reminding me of something so very important. I wish your family the best that these years can bring you, time with your little nephew and lots of love.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

Hauntingly beautiful. I really needed this slap in my face to remind me of how great I have it. I'm so sorry for what you are going through....all of you.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

lots of tears...
nice picture choice too.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Jana said...

Sadness can be beautiful, and you've proven it here.

I wish none of us ever had to hurt again. I think we'd do OK at appreciating the good times without the bad, no?

8:52 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

This is actually my resolution for this year - to really make the most of this year at home, the last I'll have for a long time, and remember to enjoy them and make some memories for all of us. I'm realizing how fast Pumpkinpie is growing and how I spent her infancy waiting for her to grow up, but I want to savour it more this time, being my last.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Emilyjo said...

Allow me to first clear the tears from my eyes long enough to type! This was so beautiful. I feel for Tanner's parents. How my heard literally aches for them -- for all of you. My son was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when he was 3. He is now 6 and I am reminded daily of how precious life is. You are not alone. Thanks for posting this.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh dear, this was painful and touching.

Steph

9:27 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Phenomenal writing - yet so heartbreaking and with such a heavy heart I read it. I will have an extra round of hugs for my children tonight, and an abundance of thanks coming from my soul.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

I'm sorry love.

I couldn't get through the post.

You know why. But please give your sister and Tanner my love.

xo

9:40 PM  
Blogger katherynei said...

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. It's something that we all need to pay a little more attention to, and your powerful post is a great reminder of that. Thank you so much for sharing such a hard subject.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

Can't seem to swallow past this lump in my throat. Thank you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, especially your sister. Every moment matters and this just brings it home.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

I lost a cousin to MD. He was like my brother. He died 17 years ago and I still think about him constantly. He will be with me every second, every minute, every bit of time I have left on this earth.

In the past few years, I have also lost a niece who was 11 months old, a classmate of my son's died just after his 5th birthday from a sudden illness, and a three year old was run over and killed in our preschool's parking lot. I can not imagine the pain these parents live with. It is heartbreaking to lose a child for any reason.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I have tried to leave a comment here a few times about this post but I am at a loss for words. This was an amazing post - Thank you for sharing and making us remember the important things.

10:26 PM  
Blogger Corina - Down to Earth Mama said...

I am so sorry that you must count the minutes. Your beautiful writing is a testament to Tanner. Thanks for the reminder to hug my children a little tighter today. Today, it was like Lord of the Flies here, and I was ready to simply lie down in the middle of the road screaming. You help put in all in perspective.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Alpaca Farmgirl said...

Thanks for that beautiful post. You are such a gifted writer. It has been awhile since I have felt the existential angst that this piece brings back for me. When I was a psychologist working with pediatric AIDS patients, those feelings resonated with me daily.

My New Year's Resolution was to spend more time with my kids doing fun things and cherishing the "moments" we have together. Your post will spur me on to do just that. Grazie.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was beautiful/sad and makes me think about my own life. My children often complain that I spend too much time on the computer and I actually get mad at them when they mention it. Thank you for the reminder. Our children are precious. My heart goes out to you & your family. TP x0x

10:39 PM  
Blogger Misfit Hausfrau said...

What a sweet/sad post. Our friend's son has Duchenne as well. His entire family is heading to Disney tomorrow to run the marathon for Danny. And we are all going to support them in any way we can:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danielpaul

10:50 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Misfit Hausfrau - my sister and Tanner are going to be there as well - she's running the marathon. Wish that I could be there!

11:05 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

This post itself, and so many others that you've written, demonstrate just how much you recognize your fortune.

I so wish that Tanner's story would have a different ending.

11:22 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Beautiful, thoughtful, ruminative piece. I'm so sorry for your family's pain.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Musings of a Housewife said...

Wow. I have nothing to say but I wanted you to know that I'm reading and my heart breaks for your sister and your family.

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So true, so well written, so tragic. Thank you for your words and emotions and for the opportunity to donate to make a change so someday, another aunt will not have to feel these emotions.

7:55 AM  
Blogger zchamu said...

You know I cry at Best Buy commercials now, right? You know I'm a blubbering mess now, right?

Hugs. I can't even begin to imagine.

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Meagan Francis said...

Thank you for the reminder. It is so easy to get caught up in day to day life and miss the ticking of the clock.

I was just thinking yesterday that I need to get my 3-year-old son's adorable little voice on video so I'll never forget it. Had I not read this today I might have "put it off" for another 6 months. Now I'll make sure to...and give him a few extra hugs while I'm at it. So thanks.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

I am so so sorry.

9:39 AM  
OpenID starrlife said...

I lurk but since you get so many comments I usually just read and go but today, today- it was so true and beautiful I just had to say it! I'm so sorry for your families troubles with Tanner. You captured the dialectic of time with our children perfectly.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

I've stopped nagging my 4yo to not pick his nose and just hugged him instead. Beautifully written...

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

Oh my. I am so sorry for your family's inevitable loss.
We've had some of those ourselves and they are, in a way, a blessing. Because you take stock, treasure the time and are so much more in touch with yourself and the family.

You capture it beautifully in your words.

and running for the hope. That's it perfectly.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Jenn @ thatpsychofamily.com said...

I read this and loved on my boys today. Thanks for the reminder.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Schmutzie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Laurel said...

What your family experiences is unthinkable and unfair. I can't go back in time to the toddler years but now as my two approach the adult years I am grateful and appreciative to enjoy and embrace each day they are still here still needing me and loving their presence. thanks for the beautiful words

10:13 AM  
Blogger Schmutzie said...

Rarely does this happen, but I am crying so hard right now. Your words have moved me. They have done what language used well usually only hopes to do: they have ticked out layers and layers beneath the surface warp and weft, they have drawn my heart and mind out of my flesh.

I cannot imagine watching that ticking down of time while watching a loved one slip away.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

I say I love you to my kids a million times a day because I never want to regret not having said it more.

Such a beautiful post, C. My heart is yours, as always.

10:14 AM  
Blogger BaltimoreGal said...

My cousin died, suddenly, at age 11. I was 13. There were no words for it then, and there still are no words for what it was like. I don't know how my aunt, uncle and cousins got through it. Is it better to lose a child quickly or slowly? NO. It doesn't matter. Like I mentioned elsewhere, I knew a kid in college who had MD, I understand how devastating it is to the person. My heart is with you all.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Susan (5 Minutes For Mom) said...

wow. so powerful. i love what you said here:
"Hug your children today; hug them, and let time stop, and then, when it starts again? Thank the heavens for it."

Thank you!

11:06 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

The posts about your nephew always make me want to hug my children. Bless your sisters heart, I cannot imagine going through something like that.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Many hugs to you and your family. Thank you for reminding me how lucky we are to have all these precious moments with our children. Thankfully one of them is home from school today so i can go in and give her a big squeeze and kiss her forehead.

thank you again.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous LAVANDULA said...

catherine i'm so so sorry for what your family is going through.and i will give my children all hugs today.thanks for reminding us of whats important.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Lindsay Landis said...

Beautifully written. Thank you for the reminder.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Ellyn said...

I am new here. Not sure I have commented yet.
Just had to say thanks for the reminder. It's easy to forget in the hussle bussle of life that these moments are fleeting.
Your family is in my prayers.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Thank you, all, so much. My sister is reading these, btw, and the compassion and understanding are warming her heart.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

What a beautiful post Catherine. Sometimes I think this is the only comment I make over here, but it's always true.

There are no guarantees in life. This I know to be true. But you can't live each moment like it's the last, because then the small moments that are so special, don't have as much meaning. Plus the little dictators need structure and rules and consequences. I just try and tell mine many times every day that I love them. That's all I can hope for is that they know that.

I hope your sister has a great run.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Sarcastica said...

This post was so beautifully written, I don't even think I can come up with a good enough response for it.

My heart aches for your family and what you're going through. I hope you sister has a great run.

I'm thinking of you all.

xoxo

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Judith Shakespeare said...

I love those moments when I'm holding them close, my nose pressed against their heads... Thank you for reminding me of how much so.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Ginger said...

Thanks for the reminder. I'm a relatively new mother in that we adopted an older child. I often think of those things I won't experience, first words, first steps and I mourn them. But I am thankful for those first that I did experience and look forward to others. I hope I always remember not to let life get in the way.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I hug the moments so close sometimes I find the next several minutes pressing down upon me with a ferocity that startles me. I accept that I won't treasure each moment as it happens, rather I'll embrace the swell of many moments. This post, and your family's courageous Tanner, give me pause. I'll use it wisely. Thank you and bless you.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I hug the moments so close sometimes I find the next several minutes pressing down upon me with a ferocity that startles me. I accept that I won't treasure each moment as it happens, rather I'll embrace the swell of many moments. This post, and your family's courageous Tanner, give me pause. I'll use it wisely. Thank you and bless you.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Dori said...

Wow. Thank you.

4:34 PM  
OpenID livinginagirlsworld said...

Thank you for the reminder. I try my hardest to live mindfully.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Absolutely beautifully written. As a Mother who has lost a child, it hits very close to home. Mine was a sudden loss -- I think they are both equally as painful.
May we all be grateful for the babes that we have in the time we have them.
Much love to your family.

6:38 PM  
OpenID sandwiched said...

I am a better mother for hving read this tonight.

Thank you...

9:18 PM  
Blogger Mommato2 said...

Sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. Everything you said is so very true....we get caught up in the "routine" ... do the laundry, clean up, check the list. Thanks for the reminder to STOP and enjoy every single second with our darlings. We are so very blessed. Huge hugs to your sister. She walks the road which we all fear.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Parent Club said...

Thank You!

10:10 AM  
Blogger April said...

i think about the shadow often. probably more so than is healthy. how sad is it that life is so fleeting.

best wishes to your family. always.

8:38 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

You should be published. Your writing touches the very meaning of being human. You humble me and the blessings I take for granted...daily. Thank you for such an eloquint blog. Tanner will receive prayers from Dallas.
Hoping it's a Happy New Year,
Stephanie

3:03 PM  
Blogger moosh in indy. said...

I love my kid.
If she ever went anywhere but here I'd be lost. She is part of my heart on the outside of my body.
Tanner's getting prayers from Indy too.

3:52 PM  
Anonymous WhyMommy said...

All true, Catherine, very true. In many ways, I live and mark the days obsessively ... not because my children's future is short, but because of mine own. It does help me remember to cherish every day ... but it doesn't help me relax.

Relax, stop, enjoy ... these are all important pieces, and, as always, you say it so well.

4:09 PM  
Blogger lorrielink said...

so painful.
im glad you wrote it, i dont know what to say, i just wanted to say..something. i just cant comprehend what this must be like for you. and im glad i cant. and scared. and i need to find my heart again and i thank you for pointing that out.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Adie said...

Until maybe a year ago, I had never heard of Duchenne's, but then a family from my hometown had a child diagnosed with it. His mother works with my good friend, my aunt and my cousin, so I see her darling son at many birthday parties throughout the year. My heart breaks for the fear I know they face, but they seem to do it rather bravely. In fact, they are even expecting another child, praying he doesn't face the same illness Sam does, but going forward none the less.
I am going to forward this to all of them.

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Roberta said...

I just found you, and the first two posts I have read (this and thinking you are done having children) hit so close to home for me. I come from a family that has had more than its share of loss - 2 siblings when I was a child, and a 3 year old nephew as an adult. Your writing is so evocative of the raw grief, the shadow that follows you and unexpectedly darkens the sweetest of times. Thank you.

2:43 PM  
Blogger The Preschool Teacher said...

I found your blog thru Motherhood unCensored. I'd like for my daughter to be able to send him some letters and little things. Is there an address I can send these to?

11:40 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Preschool Teacher - how lovely. e-mail me at herbadmother at gmail dot com.

9:39 AM  

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