Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Now The Party's Over. I'm So Tired.

Here's the thing: I am so exhausted that I can't even see straight, and also? I can barely even remember most of the past weekend, apart from the memories of having a minor breakdown in Guy Kawasaki's backyard, sobbing at least two dozen times in two days, and breastfeeding my baby in front of a roomful of people while speaking at my panel on Saturday (the related memory of the moment of realizing, after leaving the stage, that my nursing pads were no longer tucked in their usual place in the gargantuan cups of my hideous nursing bra and so very probably somewhere on the floor of the California East conference room of the Westin St. Francis, that memory? Is also burned into my psyche. Forever. That, and meeting Grover. It was a complicated weekend.) The combination of adrenaline, hormones, emotion and exhaustion fogged my brain. I'm not even one hundred percent certain that I was actually in San Francisco. Maybe it was all a dream. Full of babies and vaginas and Muppets and too many moments where I felt like there was somewhere I was supposed to be and couldn't quite get there and also my boobs were exposed and I was standing in front of a crowd and my shirt was open. And, also, the two-foot tall men in evening wear. And the unicorns. That had to have been a dream.

Anyway. I'm still just flat-out knocked on my ass by the emotional sucker-punch of a weekend filled with rich love and deep anxiety and messy pain and did I mention the love? There was too much, and not nearly enough, and I am relieved and happy and heartbroken to be home, wishing I was still there and yet so glad to be back here and wanting everything all at once and so, so tired.

Did I mention the little men in tuxedos? No? Well. Like I said, I'm tired.

41 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

He is so adorable in the tux!

Sounds like a good time, emotional but good.

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Forever In School said...

He looks so cute in that tuxedo! Like a little serious man.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

How looks so cute! Sorry you had a rough time but glad you had fun for the rest of it!

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Shamelessly Sassy said...

That little tuxedo is swoon worthy. Also, I wish I had made it to BlogHer. I would've loved to have met you.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous lavandula said...

oh catherine jasper is so adorable!

12:39 PM  
Blogger Jozet at Halushki said...

LURVE the little tux! Tres stylin'!

And leprechauns?

Oh honey. You are so asking for it. ;-)

12:41 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

That right there is one handsome fellow. Seriously.

Speaking and loving and nursing and mommying and socializing and packing and unpacking and flying and and everything else, all in one weekend? I'm in awe. Tired? I'd be dead. But then, I'm lazy.

Ha--how's that for an excuse for not making it to BlogHer? Laziness!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Assertagirl said...

That little tuxedo t-shirt really isn't helping with the keeping of my uterus empty...WANT.

(Don't even get me started on Grover. I'm still trying to work out my reaction to that.)

1:28 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

That kid is sooooooo Joey Jeramiah that you are fucked, totally fucked. Wait... am I allowed to swear in this space? Ah screw it, I'm swearing like a sailor and I'm still doubting I was actually in Cali either.

1:29 PM  
Blogger ALI said...

well lady, you did the unthinkable...you traveled, on a plane, with an infant you are breastfeeding, to not only attend but speak at a huge conference where everyone knows who you are and undoubtedly would like some of your attention, which of course makes you braver than me...and exhausted!

1:33 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Glad you made it home safe. He is soooo adorable.

I think I talked to an entire convention of people about my boobs and their state, engorged or not. Once I would have been really embarrassed about this.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I know Mom-101 just said something yesterday about people commenting on the end of what a blogger said..but I can't help it, I NEED to know where you got that tiny cute outfit. In my own defense, I wasn't there. But I hope you are able to rest and I hope you had fun, despite the weeping. Hugs.

And wait, you met Grover? As in Grover? I am so jealous. I heart Grover.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Miss Grace said...

It was an exhausting weekend. I didn't meet you as in face to face meet you, because I was tired and overwhelmed and at moments intensely missing my son, but I did admire you and your adorable baby, and I didn't notice any nursing pads on the floor of that conference. I did admire the fact that you COULD breast feed in front of that crowd of people. It's not that I would be unwilling, it's that when my son was that age, I pretty much had to lock myself in a darkened room, alone, if I wanted him to eat. It was pretty rough on my social life.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

so i never found you again to pay you back the $10 i borrowed. so i guess my, "can i borrow ten bucks?" turned into, "can i steal ten bucks from your purse and then disappear into the night?" so sorry about that, lady.

also, the little man in the tux? so dapper.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

That boy is just gorgeous. In a manly way, of course.

Great seeing you again, Catherine.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Vered said...

All those high emotions... and you write best about them because you are the best writer I've ever come across on the blogosphere... and of course you have the unique challenges of trying to look professional while breastfeeding (I do NOT envy you)... but there were others who documented the conference as an emotional roller coaster.

It makes me curious: is it a woman thing? I mean, most conferences - even blogging or web 2.0 conferences - don't cause so much raw emotion. I'm not saying it's bad. It's not. But it's interesting that while BlogherCon is an amazing demonstration of the POWER of women, it is also a demonstration of how emotional women are.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

He is gorgeous!! I am in total awe of you right now. I would NEVER have had the balls to get up and speak to a room full of people while breastfeeding. You are officially my hero. I mean honestly, how did you do it? You are an amazing woman, HBM. I am just so awed/amazed/starstuck by you more and more every time I come to your blog. Truly.

4:33 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

All I did was go camping for nine days and I feel exactly the same way . . . exhausted.

That boy, too cute! :)

4:58 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I once went grocery shopping with one breast entirely exposed. I thought I just looked really cute that day, because every male employee was above and beyond helpful!
I think you should speak with your breast out more often.

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

My heart aches with missing you.

And my uterus is cursing Jasper for being so damned adorable.

Needless to say, I love you.

6:56 PM  
Anonymous mandy said...

It was wonderful that you were able to make it all the way there with a teeny (cutie-pie) infant in tow. That alone takes incredible strength.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

When I woke up Sunday morning I couldn't believe how sore my wings were. Like someone had punched me right between my shoulder blades all night.

Amazing how much I didn't notice it while he was looking at me.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Mommy Melee said...

Aw. I have been enjoying everyone's recaps so much. This one made me all woobly.

Also, Jasper is adorable. That would be my name-of-choice for boy #2 but my husband vetoed it. SIGH.

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Sandra said...

Hugs to you. I wish I could've been there to pick those nursing pads up for you. Looking forward to seeing you soon. So soon,

10:02 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

It was wonderful to meet you and Jasper is simply beautiful, so tiny and perfect.

Meeting Grover was pretty awesome, huh?

11:00 PM  
Anonymous heather said...

Oh, so handsome.

I'm very glad I got to meet you that last night in the bar, even if it was only for a moment and I totally interrupted your moment with Stefanie Taylor (I was the one who has an 8 month old smaller than Jasper). You are just as awesome as I'd hoped you'd be!

2:11 AM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

My whole secret goal while at BlogHer was to hold Jasper just once and I failed. FAILED!

Still at least I got to say hi to you. Which was pretty nice.

3:07 AM  
Blogger Avalon said...

OH HBM~~~~ You used my Blog title for your post! I think I might feel honored.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

It sounds like an intense, but ultimately lovely, experience. And that is a dapper infant!

8:43 AM  
Blogger The Queen of Hyperbole said...

Babies and vaginas and Muppets: this is why I keep coming back.

8:53 AM  
Blogger 'That Girl' said...

Where did you get the little tux outfit? Too sweet. BlogHer sounds like such an awesome experience - hope I get to come one day.

10:06 AM  
Blogger sam said...

You're my idol! I can't believe what you accomplished over that weekend!

Tears or not, you're an inspiration. I love you!

And Motherbumper: Joey Jeremiah? Oy. Remember the hat? LOL

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Angella said...

Ack! The tuxedo! It slays me!

5:42 PM  
Blogger Suburban Gorgon said...

Oh good grief. There has never been anything cuter than that.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Bobita~ said...

Here's the thing: I was at your panel. And, I was so, so proud to be a mother, a woman, when you brought your baby to the front.

I know what it feels like to be torn, ripped into a thousand pieces, and yet somehow held together by love's strong bond or sometimes by a single thread. It is never easy, but it is most certainly real. You were, you are, Real.

You are also magnificent, especially with your heart in your sling.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Velma said...

I didn't get the chance to say it to you in person, but I'll say it now: you are FIERCE. I was blown away by your brilliance in the face of your obvious (hello? polka dots!) exhaustion. It's time for you to rest, I think. :)

9:18 PM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

Obviously, you are hormonal. So what's my excuse? Okay my twins are only 7 months so do I get to be hormonal too? I'm definitely still sleep deprived. Why do I feel like it's taken me 4 days to recover from 2? I'm glad we chatted. I wished I'd talked to you a lot more. But I will be reading and reading and reading...

11:42 PM  
Blogger LetterB said...

Swooning at that picture of Jasper.

Two years running I am in awe of what an acute mind you have. So many times you stood up and eloquently and incisively put into words what many in the room were thinking. It would have been a poorer conference without you, Catherine, and I am so glad that you were there.

1:17 AM  
Anonymous Nina said...

I do seriously admire you. I met you in the elevator during BlogHer and mentioned our sons were about the same age. He was there with me, but so was my husband. Even with him helping me, taking our son for some of the sessions, running off to get food when the darn conference-provided food ran out...I was exhausted and felt conflicted about having brought him. Not that I could have not brought him. But, being naturally shy, it was hard enough for me as it is just to interact with people, much less having to have my energy so divided.

Anyway. Very much admire you. He's an adorable little boy.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

I hope it wasn't self-fulfilling to have mentioned that when you look back at the weekend in a year, you'll realize you were in a complete baby haze the entire time. You have no idea who you met, who you talked to, who you thought you had smiled at but didn't...it's nutty. Fortunately, we've all had kids too. We get it.

Get some sleep mama. Then take that boy of yours to the prom. He's ready.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

We have to know -- where'd that fab tux come from??

5:23 PM  

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