Her Bad Mother

Thursday, August 16, 2007

No Port In The Storm

Today has been a bad day. A very bad day. And I cannot write about it. And it sucks.

I flatter myself that this space is not a diary. That it's a space for writing. No, wait - that it's a space for Writing. With a capital W.

Then I have a bad day, a very bad day in which very bad words are spoken and very bad feelings are provoked and, just, bad. But it's a bad day involving persons whose stories I have no license to tell. And so I feel the constraints of this "space." I am bursting, busting, to work through the bad feelings by writing about them, but. But. I can't. I can flirt with those words in the Basement, but even that space remains unprivate, for me.

And here's the thing (sweet Flutter advised writing on paper and then burning that paper) - I don't want it to be private - the effectiveness of the therapy that is this blog resides in large part in the openness of this blog. In the fact of the audience. In you, who would tell me if I were crazy, or unjustified in my frustration. I don't want to scratch my feelings out in ink, and then burn them into oblivion. I want to tell my story, and hear it echoed back, and hear the responses, the reactions, of friends.

But I can't. So I'm having a martini, and hoping that my heart won't hurt so much tomorrow, or the next day.

Bah. Sorry for the blithering rant.

Too stormy. Far too stormy. And no rudder for the storm.

53 Comments:

Blogger LD said...

I know how you feel. Writing about many things could be so cathartic if this blogging world were truly anonymous--or even if you could bring yourself to make them public. But there are others to consider, even if those others often make you want to do things that healthy, rational people don't usually think about.
Good luck getting through...and good luck healing your heart.

10:10 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Come on over and we'll uncork a bottle of wine (or two).

((hugs))

10:11 PM  
Blogger Mouse said...

Whatever it is, I'm hoping the martini does the trick.

10:20 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Martinis work wonders, but friends with rudders work much much better (and friends who are also holding martinis).

10:24 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

Whatever it is, I'm truly sorry. It really sucks not be able to use your tried and true method of working through things. Martinis are a good alternative though.

10:24 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Some days are genuinely awful.
Good days WILL come back again.
And I can't write about ANYTHING on my blog - even my grandma reads it!

10:33 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Fuck.

I hope our rudderless boats don't crash in the storm.

waiting it out with you Bad.

xoxo

10:47 PM  
Anonymous MonkeysMama said...

I wish you could write about it. I'm sorry for whatever it is your are going through (((((hugs)))))

10:51 PM  
Blogger JaniceNW said...

I'm sorry you've had a nasty day. May the storm clear soon!

10:54 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

I wish you could share it with us. Do you need to borrow a blog? Home away from home? I'd let you anonymously house sit at my place, I'm sure others would too. Just a thought. It is difficult to have words churning inside you and not feel able to share them. I hope you find the release and support you need.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Is there another site you could write anonymously at? There are sites like gather.com that let you write just articles...

Just a thought.

Hope your martini is helping.

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Unfit Mother said...

Sending you many virtual big-eyed puppies, 23 squirming fuzzy kittens and clinking my Mike's hard to your martini. It is commendable to know when but more importantly, what to speak in your forum. It sucks to be big, but I admire you for it.

11:10 PM  
Blogger slouching mom said...

I'm sorry! Maybe you can at least talk to those fantastic Toronto blogging mamas?

11:10 PM  
Blogger Two Shews said...

So sorry you've had a rough one. Hope you find a martini so wide and deep that you actually need a rudder to navigate across it...

11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anna M. said...

you write the words you need to get out, I'll post it on my blog and quote you as being my "mystery friend"

How does that sound?

11:25 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

Aw, that sucks. I'm going to echo the others and offer a place to crash if you need one, and also encourage you to take metro mama up on her offer to uncork and *ahem* uncork.

No matter what you do, I hope things smooth out for you very, very soon.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I know what you mean a bit. My blog is not really "my" blog since everyone in my family/friends/work knows the address. Sigh. Makes me wish I could have an anonymous spot sometimes. I do have a mommy board I can vent a bit on and that's nice.

It will get better. You've got Wonderbaby.

11:42 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

((you))

I have one of those things, too. One of those things I want to write about with such fury, and I can't.

Pisses my shit right off. I'm just so sorry.

11:42 PM  
Anonymous my minivan is faster than yours said...

You're such a talented writer I can only imagine how cathartic it would be for you to be able to get it all out on paper.

I respect your decision, though. When I made the decision to let my family and friends in on my blog, I was simultaneously making the decision that certain things would be off limits. My motto is, "Never to embarrass." Except my husband, of course, but you know what I mean :)

11:51 PM  
Anonymous dorothy said...

If you need a personal reader, you know my e-mail.

12:02 AM  
Blogger margalit said...

Can you write it and post it on someeone else's blog as a 'guest post?" I would be happy to host guest posts for anyone that wants or needs to post something that just can't be in the basement or on your own blog. I know plenty of us would be more than happy to accomodate you. The thing is, we have different audiences with different viewpoints, so it might be really helpful to do an anon blog exchange every once in a while.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Tracey said...

I was thinking the same thing as Margalit. Give someone a ring, er email, and see...

I'm sorry you're having a Bad Day. May the storms pass and the morning bring healing sunshine.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I post anonymously on a couple of friends' blogs when I really need to get something out in a way that is not hurtful to the friends and family who read my blog. And I find that the feedback on such anonymous writings is even more helpful because no one knows it's me -- so no one feels they HAVE to reply in a certain fashion because of our relationship.

It looks like you have a million, gazillion bloggers who would be happy to give you space on their sites to vent your spleen. Consider me one of those, too.

Bad days suck. They just do. I hope your tomorrow is better.

12:38 AM  
Blogger liv said...

I have to say that most people who've read me for a while know that there is a lot that I cannot, but cannot write about, and it is at the heart of my life. It stifles me. It sucks because there's a community here who supports. Really, though, sometimes I think it helps me to take myself to blog-free days: What would I have done then? Called a girlfriend, vented, etc... Do something to lighten your load. Bad days do indeed suck.

1:07 AM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

Martini.

Good call.
Good luck.

2:06 AM  
Anonymous mel from freak parade said...

So sorry that you had such a rough day. I'm hoping that it gets better for you very, very soon.

2:45 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I feel for you. My writing style isn't even recognizable the way yours is, and I've longed to write about things that aren't mine to share, but haven't felt comfortable doing it. I hope that things get better for you soon.

5:27 AM  
Blogger karla said...

I hope that martini helped some.

I can relate to not always being able to write about the things that are truly gripping my heart in the one place where I feel validated in pouring it.

Hope you find that rudder to weather the storm.

6:34 AM  
Anonymous Assertagirl said...

I know how you feel...the one thing I want and need to write about the most is the one thing I can't. It sucks, because I know it would be therapeutic.

8:01 AM  
Blogger ~JJ! said...

Oh I'm sorry.

I know how you feel though...

If that helps any.

hugs.

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Another Angela said...

I know what you mean. I think writing...and sharing...helps me, though. I was actually inspired by another blogger who did the same. And it's funny, but I couldn't write for years and years...and once I started "telling"...I could again. It untied the knots I'd woven myself into. I was afraid to post stuff on my blog, but I've had nothing but positive responses. I've only been reading you for a bit, but I love your work..and I wish you well with this struggle. I don't come from happy places either....and the writing makes that much better.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Call a friend! Even one commiserating friend might make all the difference. It will be someone to offer hugs and opinions, just on a smaller scale.

I hate days like this. I hope by morning it has faded a bit.

8:46 AM  
Blogger PunditMom said...

You're in my heart, but I know the martini will help faster.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

A giant (HUG) and ear (by which I mean eye).

Julie
Ravin' Picture Maven

10:39 AM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

Totally totally get that.
Some of my worst moments, in fact most of my worst moments, are not shared on my blog.
Hang in there - whatever it is.

10:46 AM  
Blogger nomotherearth said...

I know how you feel about those constraints. Sometimes I can't think of anything to write, because what I REALLY want to write, can't be written on my blog. Hope you find a way to work it out.

11:15 AM  
Blogger The City Gal said...

HBM! I hope you are feeling better today.

I think I understand how you feel. I love my mom. She is educated, modern, able to do anything she wants and has always supported me throughout life. But every now and then we have a collision (like when she told me last month that "not being married is a failure")

You will get through it.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I had the EXACT SAME DAY.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous whoorl said...

I hope things are on the up and up today. Maybe additional martinis are in order?

12:06 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

So sorry you're feeling raw with no place to let it out.

I understand somewhat. There are often things I would like to say about my relationship with my bi-polar sister in law or with my mother in law that I censor because I know Jeff's mom has been secretly reading.

Wishing you a quick trip through whatever it is.

12:17 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I'm sorry, love. I hope today is a much brighter day.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Whose *ss can I kick for you? Heh.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I hope your journey through the bad lands you square in the good. STAT.

In the meanwhile: sending hugs.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Jordan said...

Yep, I've got one I can't do, too, and it does suck. Enjoy your martini, hope it takes the edge off!

2:16 PM  
Anonymous AdventureDad said...

Shit Happens. Every day. Best of luck working through your problems.

Nice weekend

AD

Oh, have an extra martini, that usually helps....

4:12 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

mwah.

love you.

5:12 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Ah, honey, I'm sorry I missed this in my own sickly blithering state. I hope that drink helped. otherwise, feel free to blither in email, or in person over a glass of wine (or more martini) if you like!

8:23 PM  
Blogger Alley Cat said...

Even when you are writing about not writing, your writing is beautiful.

I hope things improve soon.

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

oh, deep breath... and that martini.

12:26 AM  
Blogger Tabba said...

I'm just reading over here...I have been here before periodically. But I finally got up off my arse and added you to my blogroll.
This post and the links associated with it really struck a chord with me....as my mother and I have a volatile relationship & I haven't really been able to write about it. I've touched on it, but not in full form.

My thoughts are with you.
And as I sit down in the cool evening tonight & crack open a cold one, I will be toasting and thinking of you.

8:16 AM  
Blogger kgirl said...

I hope your heart hurts a little less today. xo

10:54 PM  
Blogger bitemycookie said...

bring that RV to Camp Cookie. I'll straighten your ass right out.

in the mean time, big love.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I know what you mean. There are many things I can't discuss on my blog these days...

I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope the martini, the rv trip and some wine in a box help you to feel better. Or at least put somethings into a better perspective for you.

My heart is with you.

3:36 PM  

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