Her Bad Mother

Monday, April 2, 2007

Bizarro World

Too many words. There are just too many words, more than I can manage right now, required to tell the story - stories - of the Magical MommyBlogger Mystery Tour, Kentucky Edition. It was wonderful, amazing, fascinating - all those good things that you love (or hate) to read about.

But I can't tell those stories right now, because I'm a little bit distracted, sitting in my office at school, waiting for my husband to come and pick me up and take me to the hospital to investigate some mysterious chest pain, having had a long and disturbing telephone call with an ER resident about my symptoms. I'm - what's the term? - wigging out, just a little bit.

All that I can do is wait, and nervously wring my hands. I'm anxious. Is it bizarre that I'm blogging right now, as I wait to be ferried to the hospital? I can't think what else to do.

Ironic, or perfectly fitting, that, after a weekend of analyzing mommyblogging and spinning fascinating theories about what is mommyblogging and why mommyblogging and what is writerly about mommyblogging, this mommyblogger is reduced to blithering and spewing stream-of-consciousness babble?

I'm anxious. I hate doctors. I'm a worrier. I've barely seen my baby since I returned home. I'm worried, and I don't want to go to the hospital, I want to go home to my baby.

I need you to tell me this: that I'll be fine. That it's fine for me worry. That I'm not crazy for writing through this immediate, impossible anxiety on a blog. That it's all just fine.

It's all fine, it will all be fine.

He'll be here soon; I need to pack up and go.

(breathe deeply, and hit publish...)


UPDATE: I have not, it seems, had a heart attack. I had a lot of the same symptoms, but they did all variety of unpleasant test - blood, heart traces, ECG - and there was no discernible damage to my heart (other, I suppose, than that wrought by my anxiety) and so no evidence of an attack. They don't know what happened; I'm going to the doctor again this afternoon. But at least the immediate worries have been allayed.

Thank you so, so, so much for your concern and your support, and your understanding. Friends, all of you.

90 Comments:

Blogger gingajoy said...

I think it was the shock of meeting me. Most definitely. These pains will soon be replaced by extreme nausea and a repulsion at the sight of all things orange. It should pass in about 48 hours.

(just joking as a diversion tactic. i'm worried about you.... but also know you are completely and utterly fine)

(have you tried belching?)

12:37 PM  
Blogger CPA Mom said...

I'll be praying for you. I'm sure all is well and the ER doctor is being cautious. You'll be home with WonderBaby in no time.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Crunchy Carpets said...

Reeeelaaaaxxxxxxx.....

all will be fine!

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Much More Than A Mom said...

Oh dear - I understand your worry, but it's probably just really bad gas. Try a beer, and then a big burp.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous FishyGirl said...

Remember that whenever you talk to a doctor about anything even remotely involving the words "chest pain" they are going to send you to the ER no matter what to make sure their butts are covered. Even if you are their friend. If you are withit enough to write, you'll be fine. If you are okay with internet hugs, I send you one, and if you aren't, forget I mentioned it, okay?

Feel better.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure you're fine. Did that help at all? Well, how about if I tell you I had a mysterious chest pain experience a few years ago and it turned out to be a pulled muscle in a very misleading place?

I hope everything's OK!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

A couple of years ago, I was convinced I was on the verge of a massive heart attack. After a lot of worrying which could have been circumvented if I had just taken my butt to the doctor, it was found that I had GERD, thanks to a nice little hiatal hernia, courtesy of my 9lb 5oz. Diminutive One. I got some Nexxium, and boy, did I feel better.

I'm sure it's nothing serious.

You have to be fine and come back because I need to ask you how you get in on all these fantastic blogging thinktank opportunities. :?)

1:11 PM  
Blogger Mouse said...

I can't imagine that this is too serious if you're still able to write coherently. No, it's not a clinical diagnosis, but it seems like something that should be in one of those diagnosis flow charts. Able to blog? Follow the arrow to a lesser problem.

I do remember thinking I was having heart problems when I was an undergraduate. Turned out to be too much caffeine.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Hope all is well. Anxiety can cause some very suspicious symptoms too...

1:32 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

Hope everything is ok.

1:55 PM  
Blogger Ms. B said...

You are too young to experience anything serious.

Don't worry. It's either anxiety, stress (being away from WonderBaby) or pulled muscle, cold or stomach ulcer.

You will be just fine.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Well, as scary as it is, it's likely nothing. I get SEVERE chest pain as part of my deelightful anxiety attacks, for example. Another friend has severe heartburn that causes her bad chest pain. There are all sorts of way more likely minor causes than it being something serious in an otherwise healthy woman in her 30s. But I'll keep you in my prayers, regardless.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

I meant "likely nothing" in an encouraging, loving way and not a dismissive sort of way, by the way.

2:01 PM  
Blogger julia said...

I like the beer and a big burp remedy.

I'll have one for you, while you're waiting to see the doctor. Here's hoping it's all just fine.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

You'll be fine. It is ok to worry, but don't over do it, because you'll be ok. :)

Also, to tag along with everyone else's chest pains that aren't a big deal stories, my mom was taken, by ambulance, to the hospital several years ago with chest pains so severe she couldn't breathe. The cause? She'd had leftover chinese AND mexican food for dinner the night before, giving her a hellish case of heartburn. The look on the doctor's face when she told him what she'd had for dinner is one I won't soon forget.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

Hope all checked out okay...
Glad you went to have it checked...

2:20 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Call me if you need anything.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

one more thing that mommy blogging may or may not be...a filler for all the moments when we're just waiting. Now you can add to your report card "makes good use of time." Don't forget, you're fine, very fine.

2:51 PM  
Blogger bubandpie said...

Oh, I hope I didn't pass the plague on to you. It started out with chest pain (heaviness in the chest), and then went from there to coughing, laryngitis, sinus pain, fever, runny nose, and finally debilitating headache (the fun part you got to witness). If you develop any of the above symptoms, I will feel VERY GUILTY!

2:57 PM  
Blogger merseydotes said...

One time I almost drove myself to the hospital in the middle of an all-day meeting for work. I was convinced that I had appendicitis and was going to need to make arrangements for someone to pick Petunia up from daycare, etc. I thought, 'God, I hope I make home to Virginia to go to the hospital because getting stuck in one in Maryland would suck.'

And then I started to fart and realized that I just had gas.

Here's hoping that you've got something really innocuous and funny happening inside you. Keep breathing...

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Oh dear. The worrier in me is well, worried.

I'm sure it's just heartburn or gas or something equally annoying but not as serious as you know, congestive heart failure or anything...

I'm going to stop.

You are going to be okay.

And when you get home and cuddle with the WB and the hubs is making you tea and rubbing your feet, you are going to log on to your laptop and come see me in my spanking new digs. (Which has a new addy as well.)

Much love.

3:06 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Beer plus burp. I join the chorus. Good luck! And snuggle both husband and WonderBaby to alleviate symptoms ...

3:17 PM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

Breathe deeply; and then come back and update this post ASAP!

3:23 PM  
Blogger kgirl said...

Good god!
I'm thinking very very positive thoughts for you.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Holy fuck. I'm thinking about you - please report back (and report back that this is stress related nothing).

3:56 PM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

sending you my best wishes....

3:57 PM  
Blogger Canuckedup mama said...

Sending positive thoughts. It will be ok!

4:13 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

OK. You are now officually scaring the crap out of me and making me eat my flippant first comment words. SEND US WORD! (wringing hands now)

4:48 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

yes, it will be totally fine. and yes, it is completely understandable to write your way through the anxiety. we've all written through some nasty sh- er, stuff, and we all get it. i'll send lots of good thoughts.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Okay. It will be fine. Do you hear me?! Fine!

It's just anxiety, right? I get that sometimes. It will all be fine.

I'm thinking of you, hoping you're, in fact, fine.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Of course its normal to worry...and equally normal to be blogging while worrying. I'm hoping, hoping that is it absolutely nothing and you'll be back soon with an update and lots of stories! If you aren't back soon, then I'll have to start worrying!

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Mir said...

Um, ack? Please be okay, Catherine, and come back and let us know all is well. Thinking of you.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Please feel better soon! We're all worried.

5:36 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Catherine, I am sure you are going to be okay. I know with my anxiety, I get severe chest pains. Also had to do my stint in the er and found out I had a bruised sternum. NO idea how that happened. Just relax and remember there are a lot of reasons for chest pains that are NOT something to wig out about.

Be sure to let us know, hon.

5:57 PM  
Blogger Tania said...

It is Wonderbaby withdrawal or perhaps you have first-responsitis, where one experiences roaming cramps and random anxiety-induced episodes, cured only by peeing on a stick.

5:59 PM  
Blogger jen said...

oh baddy bad bad. thinking of you.

6:03 PM  
Blogger slouching mom said...

I am worried. Cuz that's what I DO. But you did just take an airplane, or two, or three, right? I worry about clots.

I'm glad you're getting this checked out.

But please, please update us!!

6:18 PM  
Blogger MotherBumper said...

I'm with Tania on this one. I'm telling you it's super fine to worry, that it's nothing and it's completely freakin' normal to feel/post this way. Seriously, it is.

That said, I called my mom and had her say a little prayer... she has s direct line (or so she tells me).

6:51 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I can see how being away from wonderbaby would cause heart troubles. Hope all's well.

6:58 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

You're fine. Do you hear me? YOU'RE FINE. Because you HAVE TO BE.

Seriously - please update when possible, if only to say "I'm fine".

7:43 PM  
Blogger Mary G said...

Adding a note (I think I'm #40) to the best wishes column. If it isn't serious, don't be embarassed -- the last heart attack I didn't have turned out to have been caused by lugging a heavy briefcase through too many terminals.
Hugs!

7:46 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chicken said...

You're fine. I'm certain of it! Indigestion from early pregnancy?

7:50 PM  
Blogger AnotherMomCreation said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:52 PM  
Blogger AnotherMomCreation said...

It's probably nothing serious. Maybe just a little inflamation of the lining of your rib cage, or just gas, or reflux. Dh just got diagnosed with reflux.
But getting it checked out is the best thing to do...
Let us know what happens.

7:54 PM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Thinking of you. Breathe in. Breathe out. It'll pass.

8:11 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

Keep breathing.

Thinking of you.

xo

8:16 PM  
Blogger something blue said...

Picture of health! Yes? I'm sure but can't wait for the confirmation.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

I have strange pains in the chest sometimes. I once even had an ultrasound of my heart for it - but no one has figured out what it is...

I understand the anxious feeling.

I hope you are feeling well soon.

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Yikes, oh yikes. Hoping you are really OK, and looking forward to your report that all is indeed fine.

In the meantime: yikes.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

You'll be fine.

It is fine for you worry.

You are not crazy for writing through this immediate, impossible anxiety on a blog.

It's all just fine.

Okay, sending loads of positive vibes and supportive virtual hugs over to you. If you need anything. At. All. You know where I am. Seriously.

But you won't, cause it's all gonna be fine.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

You haven't checked in, dear. I keep checking. Let us know you are okay. Because YOU ARE OKAY.

9:16 PM  
Blogger Amy Jo said...

I know you're ok. Since you haven't checked back in that means they made you wait forever at the ER, which means they didn't think it was serious. They always take the most dire people first, leaving the ones who maybe only need a little medicine to wait for hours on end! Right?

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Erika, Plain Jane Mom said...

I'm sure you're still waiting to be seen in the ER -- if it is anything like the US you won't be seen for 12 hours. I KNOW you'll be fine. Please update when you can.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Feel better. You will be fine. You are fine. Just worried. Don't worry.

Go hug your baby and schnuggle all night long.

And keep us posted on your visit.

10:08 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I bet - and of course hope - that you will be fine. But I also know the panic that chest pain can cause because this summer, after two days of chest pain, I was seriously debating heading out to an ER when the next day, a serious chest cold hit me. It was clogged-up bronchi, and a week of disgusting hacking later, all was well. I hope that's all you've got - a chesty version of the change-of-season cold. Yes, I'm an optimist, but I believe this to be true, too. Please let us know, though, okay? Fingers crossed, despite the pink glasses...

10:37 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Hon. You are going to be fine. You are a self described anxiety bundle and you are having some sort of physical manifestation of worry.

They will put you in the clear with a recommendation for excercise and stress management.

Thinking of you as I now all to well what it is like to have some freaky physical occurence.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Ms. B said...

I hate to say this, but we haven't heard from HBM and this is not good!

She has been gone for more than 12 hours...

Now I am worrying too!

11:23 PM  
Anonymous the bad husband said...

I thought I should give you guys an update. They could find nothing wrong at the hospital. They did an exam, blood tests, ECG etc. Her health is apparently fine. We are wondering if it was just muscular cramping of some kind. It was an exhausting day and the Bad One sleeps, which is good. I'm sure she'll have a more comprehensive update for you tomorrow, along with details of our most excellent ER adventure.
Good night, all.
K

11:26 PM  
Blogger nomotherearth said...

Try to relax. Why does everyone say that? Whenever someone says that, I spin out of control. I'm a worrier too. How about this -- why don't you let ME worry for YOU? That way you can relax.

You'll be fine. If you need anything let me know.

11:37 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I can't believe you are that coherent while waiting to be picked up to go to the hospital!

Sending you good wishes - hopefully it's nothing. One time I was certain I was having a stroke, and was googling stroke symptoms during a meeting, when my boss diagnosed me with my first migraine.

11:49 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

HBHusband - thanks for the update. I saw it just as I hit post . . .

11:50 PM  
Blogger Girl con Queso said...

Okay, so glad that you're okay. And now I'm positive that it means you need more chocolate and coffee.

11:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh gosh catherine i hope everythings ok?!when i was in hospital with my little one i had a severe panic/anxiety attack.having never had one i thought it was my heart.anyways the nurses came running and had to give me oxygen as i couldn't breathe and was sure i was a goner...any how i'm nervous and blabbing so sorry.sure hope you are alright.LAVENDULA

12:04 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Thanks for the update. So glad she is well.

12:49 AM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

Bad Husband, thanks for the update. I hope your fine. Good thoughts for good rest.

1:30 AM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

you're fine.

sorry

1:30 AM  
Blogger flutter said...

I good thwack on the back, a good burp and you'll be fine, yeah? I'm worried for you.

1:35 AM  
Blogger Mary G said...

Oh, phew! Updates! Thanks, hb's. Be well, we are all wishing you! Long weekend in the offing -- I hope it helps.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Lisa b said...

Oh good. Glad to hear you are ok.

8:57 AM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

I'm so glad you are immediately fine but sorry you don't have any answers yet.

At least the trip was great.

I went through a similar thing in my early 20s and finally got a costochondritis diagnosis (http://www.emedicinehealth.com/costochondritis/article_em.htm) Felt like I was having a heart attack and couldn't lift my rib cage to breathe. I'll never forget that feeling. ARGH

Hope you are doing better!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Damselfly said...

Whoa! So glad you are checking it out. So glad you didn't have a heart attack! I had chest pain after my baby was born, but no one could find anything wrong despite hours of grueling tests. (And that awful nitro cream. Did they put that on your chest?) Hope you can spend some time with Wonderbaby soon.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

So glad it was not a heart attack...
and am anxious to hear what there findings are...

And I have to say Mr.Pendullum would never know how to post an update for me...
How truly kind of him topost the update so we could all breath a bit easier...

10:12 AM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

I am so glad that it was nothing and I hope that it continues to be nothing.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

I missed all the excitement, but I'm glad nothing was wrong. Be sure to take some time to relax this week!

1:15 PM  
Blogger tracy thompson said...

This happened to me once. I was 35. Ish. (Don't remember exactly.) It turned out to be costochondritis, which is (get this) an inflammation of the cartilage that joins your sternum to your rib cage. Cause unknown. The shooting pain down my left arm that happened at the same time, and scared me batshit witless? Caused by driving a stick-shift car in rural Great Britain, where the steering wheels are on the WRONG SIDE OF THE VEHICLE. I challenge you to come up with a story any weirder.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

So glad to read that all appears to be ok. Take care and go and hug that little girl a whole bunch.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Carmen said...

I'm glad to hear that it wasn't a heart attack. You had me worried!

6:51 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh super glad to hear that it wasn't a heart attack! I hope you get lots of downtime and cuddles with WB to recover.

8:42 PM  
Anonymous s@m said...

WOW. I didn't see this until now, I'm glad that you're alright! I hope you're able to get some conclusions as to what's causing the pains! You're in my thoughts.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Thanks for the update. Hope you are feeling better. Thinking of you.

9:27 PM  
Blogger MamaLee said...

Sending you good wishes as well. And I had costochondritis as well (same as Tracy). It's scary.

I thought I was having a heart attack last spring. I ended up in the ER and after lots of tests, more trips to docs, mammograms and ultrasounds, we found out that I just pulled a muscle in my chest from carrying my baby on the left side all the time.

Again, scary. Hope all goes well. Keep us posted!

9:38 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

You all - you all rock - all yur words help so much. HEART SO TIRED. Figuratively. You're helping hold it up.

(To those of you who suggested this - I asked docs about costochond today. There's no tenderness, so it's doubtful it's that. The symptoms were dead on heart attack - textbook - but it wasn't that, because my heart tests healthy. Mystery. Hurts my head. WonderBaby hugs help. So do bloggy friend hugs.)

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Pgoodness said...

Glad you're ok and that heart tests came back ok, too. Take care of you!

10:49 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

good to hear you are well.

now relax and take a break. A well deserved down time.

10:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh catherine my mommy blogging friend so glad you are all right.wow did you ever scare us .good to know you have a healthy heart.well take it easy and feel better soon LAVENDULA

11:00 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

The only thing worse than a false alarm is a real one. So I'm glad you didn't have the worst.

But still. Crappy day, eh?

Here's to feeling better, no more chest pains, and big baby hugs and chocolate. They make everything better.

10:15 AM  
Blogger theflyingmum said...

Hi, delurking to offer support:
A wise person once told me, "When the heart speaks, listen." And I think blogging through anxiety is perfectly acceptable here. Hope you feel better soon.
-Becky

11:06 AM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Oh goodness- I can't believe I missed this! I am glad to hear that you did not have a heart attack.

I had chest pains similar to what you describe about a year ago-- very intense, very scary-- and I wound up being diagnosed with costochondritis, which is an inflammation of the cartilage around the sternum; it's a stress injury that is apparently very common in mothers of small children-- ESPECIALLY mothers of small children who like to flail around a lot, and especially mothers who have really poor posture when they are sitting in front of their computer reading blogs with a squirming child on their laps . . . Not that you or I would fit that description, of course . . .

(Did they check you out for that?)

I hope you are all better soon!

12:14 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Oh wait-- silly me-- I should have read all of the comments. Okay, so, not costo, but, I do hope it's something similarly non-serious!

12:15 PM  
Blogger Multi-tasking Mommy said...

I can't even begin to imagine how scared you must have been.

2:12 PM  

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