Her Bad Mother

Thursday, July 31, 2008

He Says It's His Birthday

This man? I love this man. He's a big ol' doofus, and sometimes a bit of an ass, but he's my hero, my heart, the love of my life. And it's his birthday.

And seeing as he's always asking me why he doesn't get more love on this here blog ("Why don't you write about me more?" I didn't think you'd want me to. "I wouldn't mind." Okay. ---silence--- "Are you going to?" Maybe. ---silence--- "You could explain to everyone that I'm really an ass." DONE.) I thought, why not make this all about him? Which is to say, why not ask you to make this all about him. I'm tired today, and besides, I need to go out and get him cake. You all should do the work. Leave him some love in the comments, and then I'll take all the credit. (See, honey? I got the intarwebs to make love to you on my blog! Happy now?)

He likes puns, dirty jokes, music and links to stupid things on the Internet. He's been known to laugh at pictures of meerkats. If you have any tips for making the perfect espresso, catching fish, or dealing with moody wives, then I'm sure he'd like to hear about that, too.

Dispense your gifts in the comments. I'll get the cake.


Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Dealing with moody wives: Bring home a freshly-caught fish and let her know that you've provided dinner and will gladly allow her to clean it for you.

4:07 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Hey HBF, you is one lucky dude with that sweet little family of your so Happy Birthday BadDad, and many happy returns.

Sorry, no advice on the moody wife tho' b/c I have issues with thinking outside the box.

4:12 PM  
Blogger TSM Oregon said...

Okay I can't just leave tips on catching fish without some details. What kind of fishing does he do? Ocean? Lakes? Rivers?

I think you should buy him the Mighty Lure system. I hear it totally R0XX0rs. I would know because mine hasn't arrived yet.

But happy birthday!!

4:14 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Our tip for catching fish: Put a piece of corn (from a can works just fine) at the end of the hook. No kidding. Every kid who tried (and we're talking at least 10) caught a fish within minutes.

And, Happy Birthday!

4:16 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger....
and then it hit me.

My favorite.

Happy birthday!

4:17 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

TSM - lakes. But recently, mostly in his imagination.

4:17 PM  
Blogger Steph(anie) said...

Happy Birthday HBF! Look, HBM got you a beautiful new baby :)

4:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy b-day HBF!! The perfect espresso starts with the perfect bean, so start roasting your own coffee. You can use this roaster http://www.sweetmarias.com/prod.freshroast.shtml to get started. It's quick and easy and probably won't burn the house down. ;-) Sweet Maria's ships to Canada but you can also get green beans in Canada here http://www.greenbeanery.ca/bean/catalog/index.php?cPath=21_26
We started roasting our own beans a few weeks ago and we won't ever go back to buying pre-roasted coffee-seriously, it's that good.
As for the moody wife, chocolate-the darker the better. And take the kids for a walk while she takes a nice hot bath. Seems to work for my moody wife. ;-)

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Their Bad Father! None of us even know your name, but we love you anyway, for your good fatherhood, good husbandness, and of course your handsome appearance. Enjoy this birthday, and many many more!

4:20 PM  
Blogger Vered said...

He's cute!

(It's OK to say it, right??)

Happy birthday. :)

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I said, "You should know that this is my fourth baby and I feel entitled to get mad at you." He said, "You should know that this is MY fourth baby and I feel entitled to fight back."

Happy Birthday, HBF. Feel entitled.

Also, funny links:

4:23 PM  
Blogger Liv said...

happy birthday!

fishing: on the last trip, we learned that cut, live bait worked substantially better than anything previously frozen.

the senor and i were rewarded with two (cough) prizes: a shark and a stingray.

4:26 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Happy birthday! This is the second Internet birthday wish I have extended today. I'm exhausted.

Someone sent me a link to 161 Condom Slogans. It's a bit of overkill but there are some funny ones:
- Especially in December, giftwrap your member
- Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
and, my personal favourite:
- Cover your pipe, you dumb ass wipe

Want to read more? No? Shocking.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday HBF!!

4:27 PM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

Likes puns? He's a keeper. (no really, I love puns)

4:40 PM  
Blogger moplans said...

Happy Birthday Mr Bad.

Moody wives respond well to chocolate and you taking the kids away.

just sayin...

4:41 PM  
Blogger MsPicketToYou said...

This is the current #1 joke in our house and I offer it up because I dig me some birthday cake:

What do you say when you see a brown chicken and a brown cow?

Brown chicken brown cow.

(Go ahead; say it. Out loud.)

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday HBF.

If you ever need a break from that wife of yours and your kids, send them my way.

I'd be more than happy to take them off your hands for a few days. Or weeks.

Consider it a standing invitation. My birthday gift to you.


4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Karen Bodkin said...

Happy Birthday Ass. Hope you get lots of love like this: http://www.cuteaddict.com/images/2007/04/19/meercats.jpg

4:55 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

Happy Birthday HBF!!!!

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Her(Their) Bad Father!

This is the cutest picture ever, with you and those two little creatures. You are very lucky, just for that moment, if nothing else.

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!!

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, your hubby is HAWT!

happy birthday!

5:36 PM  
Blogger Shania said...

Here'a a link to silly stuffs on the interwebs: http://noiamnotclairemartin.blogspot.com/ and Happy Birthday!

5:39 PM  
Blogger Overflowing Brain said...

Happy Birthday!

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.


5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, HBF. I share our best joke with you, which has been passed down from generation to generation. It was my father's (RIP) and now I've given it to my son. (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).


6:11 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

My husband swears by green (although they look yellow to me) Power Bait. The worms. Also spinner bait for casting. Keep switching lures with different colors and blades until you find the one that works.

My husband does all the lure switching. I just throw out the casts and catch the fish.

Happy birthday HBF!

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dumb internet trick that everyone probably knows already:

Go to google, type in "find chuck norris" end.

Also entertaining and kind of frightening? Google your landline phone number. OOOOOOH! Scary.

Happy Birthday to His/Her Bad Father, and Her Bad Husband:)

6:21 PM  
Blogger Mouse said...

Happy Birthday, HBF!

Trillian mentioned she'd left a comment on coffee, but left out the dealing-with-a-moody-wife bit. All I can say is that I was the last one to buy the dark chocolate!

I'd leave you with a joke, but the only ones I can think of right now are my son's, and they lack a little something, i.e. a punchline that makes sense.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Happy Birthday!

No help on the distractions (either for moody women or catching fish), but I've always found the best espresso is found on a Saturday morning alone in a coffee shop with comfy chairs, the newspaper and a scone on the side.

6:36 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Aw! Happy Birthday HBF! As far as moody wives go, just do the dishes (with a smile) and clean the poopy butts and all w/out a single grumble and all should be pretty dang good.

Or, at least just a little!

Enjoy your day. :)

6:39 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

Happy Birthday!

Here's your horoscope for today:

Happy Birthday: Keep things a little secretive this year and you will prosper. You will have some unique, profitable ideas. A relationship may need some fixing and a choice must be made. Don't give in or sell out because you are afraid to go it alone. Believe in yourself, your abilities and your future. Your numbers are 10, 14, 23, 35, 40, 47.

Birthday Baby: You are exciting, dynamic and a born leader. You are sensitive, changeable and always ready to take action. You demand loyalty and freedom and need to follow your own path.

BORN ON THIS DAY: Eric Lively, 27; Dean Cain, 42; J.K.Rowling, 43; Wesley Snipes, 46

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll publish this anonymously because my favorite joke is not always everyone else's favorite joke. But it shows, as my therapist says, my "dark humor." Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Briya said...

Happy HBF!

Here's my joke:
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

I'm sure this is old news to you, but my husband and I love Flight of the Conchords' "Business Time".


7:05 PM  
Blogger Mantramine said...

Well, I don't know either of you, but I do write about my husband at great length.

Just found your blog, thought I would say hi, and, well, I guess... Happy Brithday.

Here's a joke for you hubby that I'm sure (at least I hope) both of you can appreciate:

Q:How do you get the Canadians out of the pool?

A: Say, "Will the Canadians please get out of the pool..."


7:06 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Aw happy birthday bad guy. I mean...big guy.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Smithers said...

Dirty Joke:

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month!!


7:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a link to some manly candles, for those times when you want to enhance the ambience of the house without incurring the scorn of the guys:


And now, a joke.
A rancher goes into a tiny cafe, where there is nobody seated and nobody around. He sits at the counter waiting for someone to wait on him. Looking at the menu board, he sees only two items. "Cheese Sandwich: $5. Hand Job: $4." While pondering this, he sees a sleazy waitress come out of the kitchen, hair piled on her head, an order pad in her hand.

"You the ol' gal that gives the handjobs?" he aska her.

"Yep," she says.

"Alright then," he replied. "Go wash yer hands and make me a cheese sandwich."

7:42 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

happy birthday, her bad father! (heh)

i hope to meet you someday very very soon... your wife may have informed you of the nascent joint family vacation planning (or not) (don't feel bad, my husband doesn't know yet either).

8:12 PM  
Blogger María said...

Happy Birthday!

I came unprepared. I apologize. I think your wife is hot. Does that count as a compliment to you too? I mean you great taste. And your kids are adorable - so you've got great genes too.

Sufficient? No?


8:51 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Tip: the best pizza in the whole world can be found in Leadville, CO at High Mountain Pies. www.highmountainpies.com

If you ever get to Colorado, it's worth the 2-2.5 hours to Leadville. I'm on vacation there now and don't think I'll ever be able to leave because there is no pizza this good anywhere else.

Sorry, pizza advice wasn't on the list, but that's all I'm thinking about right now. Oh yeah, and they make a pizza with shrimp (similar to fish) and bacon and cream cheese chunks. You have to try it to believe it.

9:12 PM  
Blogger Julie Marsh said...

Happy birthday, HBF!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...




Happy birthday!

9:35 PM  
Blogger Major Bedhead said...


Open this one first:

And then, this one:

You said he liked puns....

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, HBF.

I wish you lots of unbroken sleep, much like the last fairy in Sleeping Beauty. Because, meerkat madness aside, with a new baby I'm sure that's all you and HBM really want right now?

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meercats? Seriously?
I took this picture last month at the Pittsburgh Zoo.
(Note: Not G-rated)


10:05 PM  
Blogger Life said...

Happy Birthday HBF. Best way to deal with a moody wife? Hand her the keys and tell her to go do whatever she wants for a few hours while you watch the kids. Oh, and chocolate.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Everyone who is recommending birthday chocolate for wife: THANK YOU. You get extra cake.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday.

Such an occasion calls for nothing less than crazy rogue helicopter pilot guy, which never fails to make me laugh out loud, but maybe that's because I'm also insane.:


Also, http://elbo.ws is my favorite site for links to mp3s. Have fun and a lovely birthday!

10:19 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

okay, fine. for HBF:


[gives The Goat]

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the cutest ass if I ever saw one. Well that's not true, I wipe one every day and despite what comes out of it, it's still cute.

SO! Have ya tried fly fishing? Truly an art form that I only have patience to do for 1 hr then I break out the standard rod... (oh where to go with THAT one).

Happy Freakin' birthday. And yes, chocolate is a great sacrificial offering to keep the peace.

10:25 PM  
Blogger Amelia Sprout said...

Happy Birthday! Espresso is about the time it takes for the steam to make it through the grounds. Adjusting that, if you can, is the key to getting a good crema, and a smooth shot. Also, don't let it sit. If you're going to do something with it (like steamed milk) don't let it sit for more than 10 minutes after it finishes pulling. Any Barista that does should be shot.
I personally like the Italian stovetop makers. Not a "shot" per say, but best at home coffee ever.
Now, if you want to know how steam milk for the perfect cappuccino, it is going to cost you.

10:35 PM  
Blogger caramama said...

Happy Birthday, HBF! Love that pic of you and the kiddos!

To deal with moody wives, do more housework. Even more than you are doing. It's (almost) better than sex for the moody wife. And could possibly lead to sex!

Since someone mentioned Chuck Norris, here's a fun link: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
(By the way, for the google search for "find chuck norris" you are supposed to click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button after you enter the search term.)

10:43 PM  
Blogger Velma said...

Happy Birthday, HBF. All I can say is it must take a very special man to partner the magnificent HBM and produce such lovely children. (I got no puns tonight, unfortunately, only quiet encouragement.)

11:14 PM  
Blogger VDog said...

Happy Birthday!!

Hope it was a good one.

11:17 PM  
Blogger Don Mills Diva said...

Happy birthday Her Bad Father!

11:25 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

Happy Birthday, Her Bad Dad.

He MUST be cool if he married you.

11:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For you birthday, click on this link and play a slide show of pictures of your sweet wonderful family in your head starting with the fabulous photo posted today by your lovely wife. And hey, Happy Birthday.


12:11 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Happy Birthday, HBF!

Meerkat and pimped squirrel (separate pictures, unfortunately):

12:20 AM  
Blogger josetteplank.com said...

Also born on July 31: Harry Potter and my youngest child.

A great day, indeed!

12:23 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Jozet! Noble company indeed! (happy b-day to your Terzo!)

12:34 AM  
Blogger Amy Urquhart said...

Happy Birthday, HBF! In addition to being awesome just for being you, you are also awesome because:

a) You agreed to move to this little town, thereby securing more than one blogger's residence here.
b) You procured central air conditioning for HBM and kids (and self) in the midst of the first heat wave of the season.
c) You wield a chain saw with near expert precision.
d) You trust me to hang out with your equally awesome kiddos, occasionally even without your or HBM's presence.
e) You answered the door (before procuring said air conditioning) in nothing but a pair of jeans once.

Happy Birthday!

Your friend and neighbour,


12:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
The seat of his ass
was all covered in grass
and his balls were a jungle of weeds!

Get your GP to draw that!

Hope you can tolerate a little rudery on your birthday.

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm, he sounds strangely like my Homer. Are you sure he's not going double duty? Put him in a belly dancer outfit and see if he looks like this.


Call me if he does. We'll get Lorena Bobbit on his ass in no time.

2:43 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Ha, Amy - at first glance I thought your comment read 'answered the door in no jeans' and I thought, wow, I really do NOT know my husband. Then I saw, 'nothing BUT' and thought, yeah, he didn't do laundry again. That would be him.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

What a hottie! Happy birthday HBF!

9:24 AM  
Blogger the new girl said...

Here's a happy belated birthday, HBF. I'm sorry that I'm late.

Here's a link that still makes me laugh.


And also, how about a dirty limerick?

*hem hem*

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to live belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

Happy Belated!

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy birthday HBF.now thats showing daddy some love digging out his boogers with her sweet little fingers.hahaha!lets see espresso tips.use one of those italian screw the top and bottom pot together pots.bottled or filtered water and perk at low setting on burner.perfecto cuppo of espresso.and umm a friend of mine send me a link w of pics of vegies and fruit that look like body parts.think HBF would be interested?

11:12 AM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Happy Birthday. Moody wives are an urban myth!

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HBF Happy Birthday!

Best cure for a moody wife is a well placed slap on the ass, ask for that cold on that's been on hold in the back of the fridge and pop in some of that smooth-loving German bootleg porn you've been saving for a rainy day.

She'll love it.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO. That last one was a doozy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HBF!! *sorry I'm late but that's the way the cookie crumbles...

I hope you had a good one. And everyone's right, you are pretty easy on the eyes.

HBM, I hope you have him some extra lovin in some other ways besides sex because I saw the post about the Frankenvulva and I wouldn't let him near it with an icepack...forget with anything else. Eat more chocolate!

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Circa 1970's Weight Watchers Recipe Cards:


You will never be the same - laughed so hard I cried real tears, seriously.

Happy Birthday Bad Dad.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the sounds of life around your house, you should win husband of the year award!!!

Happy Birthday!

2:11 PM  
Blogger The Herrells said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2:25 PM  
Blogger The Herrells said...

Adult humor - How do you a make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

Kiddie humor - When driving down a country road on vacation, we passed a bunch of cows. My daughter saw a brown one. And she asked, "Is that where chocolate milk comes from?"

Stuff to look forward to. :)

Happy Birthday, HBF!

2:27 PM  
Blogger ScientistMother said...

didn't get to the internets yesterday so happy belated birthday HBF, hope you had a great day. Not sure if you're into geeky science things but this funny http://www.eppendorf.com/int/hawkpopup.php?contentid=13

4:31 PM  
Blogger Carolyn Margaret said...

Sounds like my husband! He loves the web site college humor so if you haven't already seen it I'm sure you can find something to watch that will entertain.
Happy birthday!

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meerkats? Has he seen this one?

6:33 PM  
Blogger Rachael said...

Happy Birthday HBF! My advice is that surprise DQ Blizzards can never be wrong.

7:05 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Schmitty said...

Happy Birthday to your hubby!

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy birthday to your husband.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Happy birthday, HBF!

11:32 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Happy birthday, HBF!

For moody wives, chocolate and some time alone are great healers.

for your amusement, knowing your love of all things Sesame Street, I offer a couple of youtube vids of recent musicalhighlights I enjoyed...

Who knew Doogie could sing?

And, well, I guess we KNEW Feist could count...

And who doesn't love a good meerkat pic? After all, Meerkats rock.

Hope you like your cake!

11:46 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Happy Birthday HBF (I know it's a little late but hopefully you're still celebrating!)

My tip for dealing with a moody wife...

Apologize and stop acting like an ass. Oh and chocolate!

Seriously, though...a b-day present for you.


You've probably seen it already, but it makes me laugh every time!

4:35 PM  
Blogger Suburban Gorgon said...

That picture tells the whole story. He's a keeper. Happy birthday, HBF!

6:03 PM  
Blogger Kaza said...

Happy birthday! Great photo. I can't think of any good dirty jokes, so I'll go for the moody wife advice. Given the new baby situation, it's all about giving her two things: sleep and time (either alone or out with girlfriends).

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only have groaners:

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was a salted.

Two guys walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

Also, if you're feeling holy, check out www.jesusoftheweek.com (complete with 'select a jesus' drop down list) or if you're looking for a new 'do, check out www.mulletsgalore.com.

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He and my husband should get together. He likes to watch really dumb things on the internet and really really bad jokes.

happy belated

9:42 AM  
Blogger Homemom3 said...

Happy Belated Birthday to the hubby. Mine has asked me a time or two why I don't mention him much but always chat about the kids and household products. lol.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Her Bad Father. Sorry I'm a day late and a dollar short, but Happy Birthday!!!

9:26 PM  
Blogger Teena in Toronto said...

Happy birthday! Mine was last Saturday.

Now gimme some cake!

10:38 PM  
Blogger Issa said...

I know you turned off comments and probably for good reason, but HBM I heart your baby. He's just beautiful and I just wanted to tell you that.

1:48 AM  

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