Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Joy, And Pain

I wrote a post last week that I now regret writing. Sort of. I suppose that it's more accurate to say that I now have reservations about having written it: regret is the wrong word, seeing as the writing of it (and the responses to it) proved immeasurably valuable to me. Writing about how painful and difficult breastfeeding has been in the first weeks of my baby's life was a necessary rant, a venting of my frustration with the seemingly infinite degrees of pain involved and with the near-total lack of resources for dealing with that pain, and the responses I received were invaluable in helping me overcome some of that frustration (advice on changing holds and being diligent about nipple creams was especially life-saving. I'm now at the stage where nursing feels less like having my bare nipples dragged over rough pavement and more like having them lightly sanded. Still painful, but tolerable.)

But when I wrote about that frustration - and the pain causing that frustration - the last thing that I wanted to do was discourage anyone from nursing their own babies. So when I read this comment - "Wow... I'm only 9 weeks preggers and a friend asked the other day if I'm planning to breastfeed... my answer was that I was planning to try... but holy shit - I think I'm now terrified by all the comments and your post itself..." - my heart broke a little bit. I don't want to cause anyone to not breastfeed. Not just because breast is best blah blah blah, but because - once you get past the pain - and you do get past the pain, you really do - nursing provides some of that post-partum bliss that everyone promised but that in reality seems in such short supply.

I haven't persevered with breastfeeding because it's the healthiest option for my baby - that's a bonus, of course, but having been a bottle-fed baby myself I know that formula-fed babies turn out just fine. Nor do I persevere because of some vague hope that breastmilk will magically confer extra IQ points or artistic genius or a scholarship to Harvard upon my child - I'd sacrifice one or two of my kid's IQ points and risk condemning him to community college or trade school in order to avoid having my nipples torn off, no question. I'm selfish like that. So, no, I haven't stuck with the nursing through all of the pain and frustration just because the medical establishment and La Leche League tell me that it's what good mothers do. I've tried being a conventionally good mother, and have found that it's much easier and nonetheless effective to just be a loving and devoted slacker mom, which is to say, I have no opposition in principle to formula and bottles.

I persevere in nursing, simply, because there is no sweeter joy than looking down upon my baby's tiny, perfect head as he bends over the nipple and nestles there, his wee arm curling 'round the outer curve of my breast, grazing my skin with his impossibly tiny, impossibly soft fingers. Even as the pain pierces my chest and my tears splash upon his brow, the joy is there, the love is there, keeping my hand pressed upon his back and under his cheek, pulling him to me, ever closer, his gurgles and sighs and the sweet smell of his skin a balm for the pain. The knowledge that I can do this for him, that I can nourish him, that I can comfort him, that I can be all the warmth and comfort of the womb and then some, is balm for the pain and sunlight against any encroaching dark. This is why I nurse.

I know that it will get easier. I know that we will reach a point, he and I, when the force of his suckle will be met by the toughened strength of my breast and we will nourish each other in comfort. And I know that when it ends, inevitably, I will look past the weeks of past and frustration and fix my heart upon the sweetness and joy and mourn the passing of this precious, precious time.

This is why I nurse. This is why I hope that every mother makes the effort to nurse, that every mother has the chance to hold her baby to her breast at least once and know how sweet that effort.

But it would be a lie to say that that effort is anything other than what it is - an effort, one that is often painful beyond imagining.* I wish that I'd understood that before I undertook that effort the first time. This time, I know, and that knowledge is carrying me through the pain. It's nonetheless painful, but it is a lot less emotionally draining this time around (the emotional drain comes from withstanding the boob pain while also struggling through the pain of shredded nethers and trying to wrangle a manic toddler on little food and even less sleep. That, nothing prepares you for.)

Painful beyond imagining, but oh so rewarding. That's not just breastfeeding; that's motherhood. It's so worth the effort. It really is.

*Often, not always. As a number of commenters have reminded me, it's not tough for everybody - some women cruise through breastfeeding with ease (the same is true of pregnancy, labor and childbirth - not everybody gets morning sickness, not everybody labors for hours and hours - or, as in my case, weeks - and not everybody delivers under extraordinary circumstances and sustains physical damage like I did). No two experiences of any aspect of motherhood are the same. Embrace your own, and do what you need to do to make the best of it, whatever it looks like. xo

Labels: , ,


Blogger Woman in a Window said...

Nice. How brave of you, too. I have to say, if I would have been a part of this community during the birth of my kids and been able to be home with my babies I would have persevered. As it was, I was disheartened, tired and lazy. I'll admit something here, months after I stopped breast feeding I yearned, REALLY YEARNED to have my daughter back at my breast. Of course, there was no milk. Of course, there was no interest. Put it was a pull that I couldn't resist, couldn't explain, and hated myself for leaving behind. You tough it out! You've got the right stuff! And if even then it's too much, then you gave it your all! This post was much appreciated...

6:19 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

I miss it so much. Sometimes, I can still feel the heavy ache of fullness and the tingle of letdown and that first little relieving stab of pain that never, ever went away, even after over a year of nursing.

Man, I miss that.

6:24 PM  
Blogger pacalaga said...

That was beautifully written.

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Delurking to say amen, amen, amen! Beautiful and true.

6:32 PM  
Blogger b*babbler said...

Sometimes I still miss that feeling, although we did everything possible to draw out my non-existant milk supply as long as possible, and towards the end I really was only acting as a soother several times a day, *and* in the end it was Peanut herself who drew to an end our breastfeeding days.

But the effort? You hit it right on - so very worth it.

6:40 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

I have to say, the pain I hear of makes me wonder, too, if I may give up for the pump again if it is that bad for me, but the knowledge that it should get better, that light at the end of the tunnel, gives me hope that I will tough it out. So thank you for that, friend, and I'm glad it's getting better.

6:48 PM  
Blogger The Estrogen Files said...

Abso-freaking-lootely. Beautiful post. I'm glad that the pain has lessened.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Rachael said...

Well said. Being someone who didn't have the option open - I couldn't breastfeed because my body simply didn't produce milk - I would have given a lot to have the chance. I would recommend that ANY woman having a baby at least try. If it doesn't work out, or it's too much, then don't feel bad about it. But if it does, it is a great priveledge to experience that.

7:05 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

A lovely post.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Great post. Thank you.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so right. I endured nursing my firstborn for six tortuous weeks. I had had a breast reduction 6 years prior so I had no way of knowing if the plumbing worked until I tried. It didn't. It turns out some ducts were severed so I could produce the milk but could not get it out. OUCH. My baby lost weight at an alarming rate, prompting even the lactation consultant to step in with feeding syringes and bottles. She red flagged rock bottom before I did. I was, however, a bloody, scabby, raw mess. Poor Bird sucked and sucked and starved. My boobs produced milk every time he cried in hunger and then ached because they were so dang full. Misery. It got to the point where I dreaded feeding him. Not good emotionally, for sure. Nonetheless, I am so glad I tried. I am so glad I felt the bond of him feeding (or trying) from me. Nothing captures motherhood better in my humble opinion. The biology and emotion of nursing are amazing. And you know what? He's a healthy, smart, precocious soon-to-be-5-year old now. Enfamil to the rescue!

Sorry my comment was as long as your post.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading this is not good for my ovaries. Most of the time I feel I am "done" now that I have two, but sometimes...having another pops into my head and reading this does not help.

Beautifully written, as always. Nursing can truly be a beautiful thing. I don't think it was until my baby (who is now almost 5!!!) was over 3 months old that I really began to appreciate nursing for its emotional and physical connection. I had a long, hard road to get to that point and along the way, I just couldn't understand the "bonding" aspect of it because it just seemed like so much work (NOT TO MEANT TO SCARE PEOPLE OFF!!!). But I remember nights nursing him to sleep, us laying down like in that picture (except I was clothed) and I would sometimes get teary looking down at him as we cuddled and drifted off to sleep. I knew that time that would come to end eventually and it was just so...perfect.

Must. stop. thinking. about. babies. :-)

7:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you rock. Glad you, your baby and your boobs are doing better!

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen, sister. Very well put.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post!! I believe I was one of the comments echoing your sentiments of pain and frustration.
But to any women approaching motherhood: despite the challenges, breastfeeding is one of the best things I did for them, for me and for us. And even with the sore, raw and scabby nips I think back and know I would do it- pain and all- over again... and again... and again....and again...etc.

8:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having been where you are only a few short months ago, I can personally attest to this same motivation for nursing.

To all the self-doubters: It's so worth it. I swear.

8:18 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm there with you, right now. In the pain, in the tiring period of adjustment.

Yes, it is so worth it.

8:27 PM  
Blogger Fran Loosen said...

And just like everything in motherhood, it rolls differently for different people and different one child to the next. I will always be grateful to the friend who said "six week, six weeks, girl...that's all you have to hold on". And six weeks and a day the discomfort ended and it worked. Not warming a bottle at night, never being stuck without food for the little one...totally selfish for me because I like convenience and nursing is surely that.

For me, the second time was easier, but again, it's different with every kid.

8:44 PM  
Blogger CaraBee said...

Oh my god, I cried reading your elegy post. I have been nursing my daughter for 8 months and I feel like every day brings us closer to the end and I know I will be heartbroken. She started solid foods recently and when I commented that it made me a little sad, my husband said, "you can't be her everything forever." Crueler words were never spoken.

8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That one paragraph. You totally captured it. Those moments of connection--nothing like it. Glad it's getting better bit by bit.

8:56 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

I think that if more breastfeeding advocates said what you just wrote instead of some of the other pro breastfeeding rationale, there'd be more women who would be willing to try. Beautifully said.

9:05 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Don't regret the previous post. I find that women are unwilling to share their true breastfeeding stories with other women because they don't want to "scare them off." But the reality is the reality, and if a woman is pregnant, isn't it better for her to know what is coming and be prepared for it rather than being alone and bewildered, in pain and wondering why the experience is so painful that other women only sing the praises of? I wish more women would be as open as you. I chose not to breastfeed before I even got pregnant and thus endured many lectures from breastfeeding advocates extolling the joys of breastfeeding but none of the downsides. If I had given in and breastfed, I know very well that I probably would have had a nervous breakdown. I just don't have what it takes. If I had to go through what you went through with only the echoes of LLL members ringing in my ears, I would have lost it. Totally.

Anyways, my point is, never regret being honest. It really is the best policy.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...


I'll take the pain now to deal with the overwhelming joy of nursing. Our bodies can make, carry and maintain life inside and outside the womb and breastfeeding is hands down one of the best things I've ever done in my life.

The pain of giving it up, however, is what's difficult to go through. and there's no lotion or heating pad that can help that.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I liked your post…very well said...truly well said.

Having said this up front, I have to strongly disagree with the sentence that "the pain will pass":

That is a very generalize sentence while human is a very very individualized being.

I say this comment not only as a person in a medical profession with a medical degree but as a mother that did breastfed for 3 months full of pain and misery and then had to pump my milk for another 3 months because the psychological and physiological affect of the pain was too much on me and the baby.

After three months the pain DID NOT go away, in fact it was not only there full force but also got worse.

There are women with extra sensitive nerve endings on the nipples. There is no but and OR about it.

I fully plan to TRY again breastfeeding for the second baby, and the key word will be “TRY”. But this time I will not drag it on for three months if that will be the case.
The reality that all women forget is this: the baby will look up and not only see but worse than that FEEL the pain and misery in the mother. With every feeding and every suck, what will go into the body is not only the milk but also the pain and sadness and if not consciously but subconscious feeling of misery.
The last thing that any mother wants is for her baby to make a connection between "food" and "nurturing" with "sadness" and "pain".
There are things that are even more important to give to a baby than your milk...today more than any ever it is being proven with all the medical research in the field of child psychology.

So while I fully support the sentence of "at least try", I do not agree with the sentence that "it will pass, you can be sure of it"...both as a person with medical degree and as a mother that been there and done that!

9:48 PM  
Blogger Loralee Choate said...

I've had three children. After a five year gap we are going to try for one more and I have already determined that if everything goes as planned, we will not be breast feeding.

I loved nursing. I do think it is all kinds of awesome, best, blah, blah, blah, and my other kids were breast fed, but there are health issues and other issues that I have to make the decision to bottle feed.

And? I don't think it makes me a bad or lesser mother. So...I really loved this post. Thanks for it.

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I breastfeed not for the wonderful reasons you explain but because I'm cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap.

And forgetful. And once the pain of breastfeeding goes away, it's a lot easier to use the breast when I'm out with the baby than remembering to pack a bottle. I never forget to bring my breasts.

10:40 PM  
Blogger MoxieMamaKC said...

My heart aches (and my nipples hurt) for you. I too was a bottle fed babe and I turned out with a well above average IQ, but I understand the struggle.

I was only able to breast feed my baby for about 10 weeks before me, the pump and my darling girl gave up. Don't think you are a bad mother because of it. Give it your darndest...

I still feel bad compared to my mother in law and sister in law that made/make it look "Oh so easy" but some of us aren't made that way. Don't feel bad...just do what's right for your baby.

Yes, there is something about the feeling of when your breasts "let down" and the milk flows and you give (after you've given so much)...but your kid is going to love you even if your body can't continue. It's not a measure of your motherhood, no matter what ANYONE SAYS.

Thank you for being so real and so raw with your posts. I wish I would have read them 3.5 years ago when I was in your shoes...

Don't give up if that's what's right for you. If it's right for both of you to go to formula, don't be ashamed. You didn't fail and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Formula isn't like when we were kids. After the colostrum and the first antibodies that breast milk provides, it's all the same (if you have a PERFECT DIET) and that comes from THREE neo-natal nurses in my back pocket.

You've made it thru the hardest part...when you are done, it's still ok...

10:40 PM  
Blogger excavator said...

Yes, it is not ideology that makes me whole-heartedly support breastfeeding, but joy. It's an experience so lovely that I hate to think of anyone missing it.

10:40 PM  
Blogger the dragonfly said...

Beautifully written...but made me a little sad, too. I tried and tried, but I never made enough milk, and my milk dried up completely (with no pain!) when my little one was just under three months old. I'm jealous of women who breastfeed successfully - even painfully! - and sad that I couldn't have that specialness with my son. But...he is healthy and beautiful and just turned one year old (!)...so I can't complain too much.

10:40 PM  
Blogger Marly said...

I didn't leave a comment before, because it seems I am an exception to the unspoken rule. I had an absolutely wonderful breast-feeding experience entirely. Aside from the fact that it took my son almost two days to latch on, I never experienced anything negative related to nursing. No pain. No discomfort. And after almost a year, my son weaned himself.

So while the subject is up, I just wanted to add, for anyone considering breast-feeding, that a negative beginning is not a certainty either. Thanks for opening the door, HBM - and good luck to you and your absolutely adorable little man! :)

11:07 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Delurking here. Your son is beautiful and I enjoy reading your posts.

Like Marly, I too had a wonderful experience with breast feeding - no pain. It was the most natural thing to do following the birth of my children. Nothing compares to the experience.

Since another reader voiced concern about it being painful, I just want to say it isn't like that for everyone.

HBM, I admire your choice to persevere in spite of your discomfort. He is adorable!

11:29 PM  
Blogger Candygirlflies said...

Oh, yes. It really is.

Congrats, HBM. You're doing GREAT.

xoxo CGF

12:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read through the comments and I have to agree with Veronica Mitchell, I never forgot to take my boobs anywhere (even on the days when I forgot clean clothes and nappies).

That said, I had such a dream time of breastfeeding my first, I am terribly nervous of breastfeeding the one I am pregnant with.

I know I will get there and that it all will be fine, but I feel like I'm tempting fate to expect such an easy time again.

1:14 AM  
Blogger Emily T said...

and exactly right.

8:00 AM  
Blogger tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

I just wanted to say that the post was lovely, hon.

I also wanted to add another voice to the crowd stating that nothing in parenting is guaranteed, including pain with breastfeeding. I breastfed 3 children for a year each and never had pain associated with it (aside from that second day engorgement!). For every mom considering nursing, know that there MAY be pain, and there may not. Neither is unusual.

Good luck to all the breastfeeding moms and moms to be. May it be as sweet and tender for you as it was for me...

8:04 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

This is gorgeous. You nailed it. All the bleeding boobies in the world can't outweigh the joy.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This whole topic is very dear to me, I just finished nursing last Thursday and I was surprised by how sad I was after sacrificing so much to do it for the last year. It is truly a beautiful experience once you get past those first few weeks. Thanks for making me smile.

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No regrets necessary. You were totally honest about your feelings and you shouldn't have to apologize for honesty.

My only attempt at nursing was with my first. I was 2 days short of 21 when she was born, and it didn't go well. She was a big girl who wanted a lot of food, and I was so jittery and excited about new motherhood that I could not eat and never produced enough milk for her. Breast feeding was not encouraged in those days, nobody helped teach me - in fact, in the hospital the nurses would feed her formula between nursing attempts. I never heard of such a thing as a lactation consultant - La Leche was a new, radical group - I lasted two weeks. She did great on the bottle. So did her sister, 18 months later. My third didn't come along for 7 more years. I was relaxed and calm with him (older motherhood is SO much better) and due to complications (excessive bleeding and strong drugs and bedrest needed to stop it) could not nurse him either. But I often thought... when the girls were small, every night feeding was a trauma for me, I was missing my sleep, I was tired, will they ever go back to sleep? With my son, he woke at night for weeks after he even wanted feeding, because that middle of the night thing was our time. We'd cuddle and rock and he'd take a few sips of milk, but mostly he'd lie in my arms and we'd look into each other's eyes and talk to each other, and I have often thought that would have been such a great experience if only I'd nursed him. If I had been so insane as to have a fourth child, I probably would have tried. I think we all know it's worth it.

Glad you're getting better! And Jasper is simply exquisite.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For those who are afraid to try breastfeeding: I was afraid that it wouldn't go well and I did not know anyone who stuck with it past a few weeks. I decided to give it a try anyway. My daughter just "got it" immediately. My milk was in before I left the hospital. My nipples did crack and bleed, but they were completely healed and toughened within 2 weeks.

Maybe my next one won't go so well, but I'm hopeful! Either way - it doesn't have to be a painful, difficult task. It may be, though. But it may also be the easiest thing you do in raising a child.

9:20 AM  
Blogger mamatulip said...



9:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sometimes i look at the wild toddler that my little baby has become and miss that little nursing monster that kept me up all night and day......there is nothing like it......reading this post i actually felt jealous of you....isn't that crazy? jealous of sore nipples!
ha ha

enjoy your new wee one

10:14 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I want to join the small chorus of commenters who had no pain in breastfeeding: not one cracked nipple, a great latch, kinda hyper letdown reflex, but really problem free. It was cheap, it was easy, and no, I never forgot to bring my boobs with me when I went out :-)

This is not to brag or taunt, but just to say, there are a range of experiences, and you don't know which one you're going to get. I'm sorry yours has been so painful, and I'm glad you're starting to feel better.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

breast feeding is wonderful for so many reasons one being that it releases happy hormones...and for any women who are preggy and afraid to breast feed one thing they can do now is to rub a dry washcloth on the nipples every day to toughen them up a bit and expose them daily to air. i am so glad that nursing is getting better and less painful for you catherine LAVANDULA

10:30 AM  
Blogger Bon said...

great post, Catherine. i had a hard time with it, and a hard time being patient with it...and yet, in the end, a hard time giving it up too. worth it, indeed, worth wading through.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Camels, mommy?" From my two year old daughter. Who is still nursing. I think she would get used to weaning fairly quickly, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that! There are few things as beautiful as holding your child in your arms to nurse.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Rusti said...

I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to break your heart - not even a little! And I promise - I'm still going to try breastfeeding. Blame my thoughtless words of terror on these crazy first trimester hormones which have me up and down and all around right now... feeling good one moment then rushing for the bathroom the next doesn't have me in the best frame of mind... so although at the time I read your post (and Chicky Chicky Baby's too) I might have been a little freaked out by the unknown - today I'm in a better frame of mind and really do appreciate your honesty and sharing - in both this post, and the previous one... and again - I am soo sorry for upsetting you at all! :( {HUGS}

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In case you were wondering, that was what my daughter said about the portrait of the nursing couple. That's just what they looked like to her I guess

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LAVANDULA here again.i have breast fed 4 children and each baby was unique.# 1 had problems latching on and there was lots of tears and frustration. # 2 was painful and i had to use nipple cream and air the poor girls out constantly.# 3 had problems latching on and it hurti stopped nursing her when she was 12.5 months and we went on vacation and i had to start breast feeding her again because she was getting so sick from the water supply where we were.my freind i was with had those small pills that produce more milk and gave them to me and miraculously i started producing enough milk to nurse her for the 3 weeks we were on vacation.# 4 was preemie and had to be both bottle fed with pumped milk, breast fed (very difficult and frustrating at first) and formula fed for the first 6 weeks of her life after which i was lucky and fortunate enough with the help of those milk producing pills to be able to breast feed her .sorry i know this was long and thati just commented .just wanted mums to know that there are lots of options. LAVANDULA

11:00 AM  
Blogger Lora said...

I think it's wonderful that you DO write about the not so good parts of breastfeeding. The media (and La Leche) portrays it as the most beautiful, natural, wonderful (insert your own superlatives here) experience when in reality, it's work, and oftentimes painful at that. I tried and tried to breastfeed my son and it was agony, for both of us. Can you imagine a newborn actually pushing himself away from your breast, the breast that is already ravaged? He couldn't tolerate any sort of side-lying position to nurse and my breasts just weren't up to the task. The only way that he could have nursed was if I was hanging over him like some freakish cow so that he could lie on his back to do it. So I pumped, and felt guilty, and my nipples cracked from our hourly failed attempts, and it was awful. So thank you for owning up to the fact that it isn't always easy.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is also important to say that it is not painful for everyone. I nursed my daughter until she was a year old, and I am thankful that I did not have your painful experience. I had a little pain for the first few days, but nothing intense. I hope that your breasts soon feel better, so that you can fully enjoy breastfeeding.

And thank you for this post. It will be encouraging to people who may have been discouraged by your post last week.

11:53 AM  
Blogger hschinske said...

Hey, Rusti, I just wanted to say that Catherine's experience *has* been unusually tough. Don't worry too much that yours is going to be like it, because the odds are in your favor that it will be easier. What I'd take away from it if I were you is the realization that we're social animals and need a lot of support pre- and postpartum. Even if you have an easy time, planning for an extra pair of hands and an extra sympathetic voice in the house can't hurt.

I also think a lot of breastfeeding problems (not all, obviously -- I'm not talking about the kind of thing C. has been through) seem small in retrospect, but that doesn't mean they didn't loom large at the time. It's like having a rock in your shoe: you just can't function until you get it out, and then when you do, it usually turns out to be so small that you can't believe it hurt you so much. But never make the mistake of saying "I'll just get over this hill before I stop to take the rock out ..." (hope that made sense!)


12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is a primeval notion to breastfeeding, an act that connects us to the natural world of mammals and primates, apes, for instance, nursing their young for a period of 4 to 6 years.

But unlike the natural world, we, in our human realm must content with the difficulties, frustrations, and ultimately, the choices so frequently fraught with guilt, and remorse.

"I've never seen a wild thing feel sorry for itself."
-D.H. Lawrence

12:09 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

I have many friends who nursed well past the one year mark with no pain at all. In my case, and it seems with many of us it was horribly painful - to the point where I nearly fainted. I think it is unique for everyone and for those of us who have such pain an added challenge that we have to face in those early days. I expected sunshine and rainbows, no one prepared me for what I experienced and I think your post would have made me feel a million times better knowing I was not alone.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Steph(anie) said...

Beautiful post.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

I think many women who nurse decline to talk about how challenging (anmd painful!) it can be precisely because they fear they will turn first-time expectant mothers off from the notion of nursing at all. I think that's also why so many lactation consultants outright lie to women, saying "It won't hurt unless you do it wrong."

But the problem with this approach is that so many women give up nursing in the first few weeks, convinced that they are inadequate or broken in some way, that they ARE doing something wrong, because they had no idea that nursing would be such a challenge. And then they feel guilty for failing.

I think you did the right thing by telling the truth about your situation. And I think you're doing the right thing now, too, by pointing out the reasons not to give up on nursing.

I nursed my son for two years. I nursed even though my breasts became painfully, ridiculously engorged during the first couple of weeks (which of course I was told by a lactation consultant meant I must be "doing something wrong," until I came in and she saw my son was gaining wait beautifully and had a perfect latch). I nursed even though my nipples cracked repeatedly through the first month. I nursed even though my job made it almost impossible to pump-- in fact, I eventually quit that job so that I could stay home nursing. I nursed even after my son got teeth and started biting me.

This was not because I am a masochist. It is because there is absolutely nothing like nursing. Aside from the health benefits I knew I was conveying on my son and myself, nursing made me feel more connected to my son. It made me feel like I still had a hand in creating and sustaining his body, even after his birth. It forced me to stop whatever I was doing every few hours and focus solely on him. And while that in and of itself was frustrating at times, I believe it made me a stronger, more focused mother in many ways.

Of course sometimes bottle feeding makes one a less-stressed, happier mother. It all just depends on the situation.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a horrible time starting nursing with all 3 of my daughters, just miserable, painful, frustrating. I loved every minute of it once we got it down tho', because you're right, there is nothing in the world like looking down at that sweet little body nestled up to you. My last one broke my heart, she only nursed until she was 9 months old, and then kicked me to the curb. 7 years later, I'm still mad at her for that :).

1:10 PM  
Blogger TZT said...

Thank you for this - it's lovely and brought tears to my eyes. It's true that every experience is different. I had a mostly happy pregnancy, a scary and difficult birth and surprising ease with breastfeeding.

I would add that anyone giving birth in a hospital where there are lactation consultants should use them, because they can help even if you've read and read and prepared. My son and seemed to be doing okay on our own, but I called for reenforcement coaching before I went home - I think that the Lactation consultants being able to see what I was doing, and giving me pointers about position switching, adjusting my hold, using the lanolin, etc. helped me to avoid pain before it happened.

1:17 PM  
Blogger jenB said...

hugs and loves and you are doing just fines. xoxoxoxoxoxo

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are many like us. Many who had a hard time nursing, but upon reflection, would not take back our decision to breastfeed. There are many reasons that we feel this way. There are times when I look back and think that perhaps I would have been healthier mentally if I had switched to bottles at the time. I was very stressed out. But I am so glad I got the chance to be close to my kids in that way.

I think the best thing a new mother can do is be informed. Read, take classes, talk to other mothers who have breastfed, and make sure you know what resources are available to you in your community. Although the lactation consultants never had anything of significant value for me in terms of nursing positions or latch techniques, it helped SO MUCH just to have someone who knows about nursing tell me what a champ I was for hanging in there and promising me it would get better.

1:48 PM  
Blogger justmylife said...

Beautifully written! And totally true. Glad everything is going smoother.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Well said. I can identify with your reasoning, and with being a loving and devoted slacker mom. So many things about motherhood fit the bill of being "so worth the pain". Thanks for your honesty!

2:20 PM  
Blogger ScientistMother said...

Please don't ever regret being honest. It so important for the different realities to be know. Especially for those like me. I was meant to nurse, milk came in no problem, monkey latched no problem. It was easy and I loved it. I do not say this to make you feel bad, but to say that until I read your posts, I never understood why women said they hate it. You have given me perspective, shown me the other side and I understand, I empathize and I can say to other women I KNOW you are not alone in your pain and that you can do it, it does get better.
And nursing is so worth it. I lost so much weight and energy making the year, and if I could physically have continued I would've. Its been 6 months since I weaned monkey and every night lying before he goes to sleep I yearn to nurse him again

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoyed your post very much. Mostly because it was real. You said your opinion and at the same time you did not take any side what so ever. I think that is one of the reasons that your blog has good number of readers.

Before saying my comment (which will be very much different from almost everyone up there), I have to say that I am a mother of two and both of my children were breastfed for one year, successfully with little pain and discomfort at the beginning.

But I STRONGLY OPPOSE to this notion of "breastfeeding" is amazing and good and natural for EVERYONE...this whole movement makes so many women absolutely in the bottom of a self created hell if they CHOOSE - yes CHOOSE- not to breastfed.

The breastfeeding should be a choice for the mother, no and or but.

There is NOTHING wrong if the woman CHOOSES not to do that for personal reasons, and she should not be obliged to have a more “acceptable” reason for it. I mean in my profession I deal with a very good number of mothers that feel a bad mother if they choose not breastfed or if they really do NOT get the same pleasure as the rest of the blissful population gets.

In the comments above all these wonderful mothers talk about the fact that now they can not breastfed because of the medical reasons or because of other FORCES. There is NOTHING wrong with a woman who decided to become a mother and who CHOOSES to bottle fed her baby not because of a medical reason but for totally personal reason.

The same way that there is nothing wrong with a totally healthy woman decides not to become a mother…

Let's face it, it is true that we are mammals, and it is true that we are women…. but not necessarily all the females mammal HAS TO BECOME A MOTHER and not necessarily ALL the FEMLES MAMMELS THAT CHOOSE TO BECOME MOTHERS, HAVE TO BREASTFED. After all we are the only mammals that have the CHOICE in life...in everything in life.

As a psychologist - with the specialty in the children filed I may add- who spends her time both in practice and research, I can not say that the fact of a women breastfeeding, makes the bonding more strong or less.

The relation between a mother and a child is built on so many verities and not necessarily one makes it more important than the other.

What we, all of us, has to start question is that why there is so much "guilt" in the psyche of women and more than that in the psyche of mothers?
Personally and professionally I think a major part of it comes from the society and surprisingly a good percentage of it comes form other women and other mothers.

Thank you "Her Bad Mother" for allowing all of us voice our differnt opinions in your post.

3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Even as the pain pierces my chest and my tears splash upon his brow, the joy is there, the love is there, keeping my hand pressed upon his back and under his cheek, pulling him to me, ever closer, his gurgles and sighs and the sweet smell of his skin a balm for the pain. The knowledge that I can do this for him, that I can nourish him, that I can comfort him, that I can be all the warmth and comfort of the womb and then some...this is why I nurse" I wish I had written this - and I am so glad that you did, so perfectly, as it expresses so well what I always felt. I never left a message here before, but I love your blog, I love your writing and I love how you nail such difficult emotions and feelings related to motherhood. I sit here reading you and I often cry because you and what you write move me so deeply. Nobody told me that breastfeeding was going to be such a powerful thing in my life - I stopped a year ago when my son turned 19 months, and I feel it's one of those things that made my life sweeter and the memory of it always make me smile - and I also remember the pain at the beginning, which you describe so well and that I had forgotten....I never really thought of stopping nursing, not even when I had mastitis after 8 months, because despite the pain I loved those moments, that were only ours, how I could have my son all to myself, and in the end when he was already a year and a half I would joke with him while he was nursing and he would laugh while at it and we would laugh together so much, it is just the sweetest memory, I hope I can do it again with another baby soon enough. Thanks for putting it all out in writing.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Candace April said...

I think in writing about breastfeeding, at all, you are being far more encouraging than discouraging.

Online, you get the feeling that breastfeeding is more popular than the numbers show...and it is especially nice for those who live in areas where breastfeeding is even rarer to see it discussed openly.

And I think a lot of women are SHOCKED by the initial challenges. So maybe a realistic look, sans rose colored glasses, will help them through those early days.

Hope you are feeling better!!!

5:48 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Beautiful post: writing and image are magic together. Being a visual person, I had to track down the source and found it fitting that the artist, Paula Modersohn-Becker, was a strong, smart and beautiful woman - fitting accompaniment for HBM!

5:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What you do here is not just a record but a public service.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

well said.
When I read the comments, what stood out to me was not whether or not you should breastfeed but that there were a whole lot of women saying that you are a good mother no matter what choice you make.
I think that's the message that should be sent out - and unfortunately it gets lost behind the breast/bottle debate.
Good for you for persevering though. With my son I never really loved breastfeeding - I did it because I felt the pressure, but with my daughter the choice has been solely mine and I'm finding it far more manageable (and also the only time that is hers alone).

7:41 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I think everyone is faced with difficulties somewhere. There is only one woman that I know who had a blissful pregnancy, easy delivery, and took to breastfeeding with no troubles. She was hospitalized for post-partum depression. So we all pay somewhere, and some of us in more than one place.

Yesterday, I wrote about wondering why new mothers aren't told there are many options besides exclusive breast feeding and exclusive bottle feeding. I've seen too many ladies suffering so much pain and not realizing it isn't all or nothing.

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That gave me goose bumps... My daughter drank 'pink milk' more than once during the first 8 weeks of her life and there were moments when I cried and flinched when I could see her getting hungry. I remember one day, sitting on the sofa, nursing her, tears streaming, looking over her across the room into my husbands eyes, my pain reflected in his eyes, he told me silently 'You can do this'. And I knew I could, and I did, for many many months to come and I persevered exactly for the reasons you describe: Because it's beyond beautiful. To me, nursing my baby has been the essence of it all. To know that the milk my body produces to readily for her keeps her alive and well and comfortable, and, once the pain subsides and the two of you have figured it out, to sink into that space of comfort and connection - it is truly magical. I still miss it.

4:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As with all things in mommyhood you just do the best you can all the time. Some people can nurse, some can't. Some people can babywise their kids to sleep, some can't (maybe I'm jealous but I never understood how that worked.) Some mommy's don't use a pacifier, some (like me) relied on it. We're all just dong the best we can.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My twins were 10 weeks early. I pumped from the time shortly after birth until 10 weeks later when I could no longer stand the pain. My babies could not latch, my nipples bled and cracked, but I pumped enough milk to feed both of them until they were 14 weeks old. I ached to feed them but couldn't because of breathing machines and the like.

I ended up quiting pumping because I found out that I was taking too much calcium (drinking milk, taking a multivitamin, and taking a calcium supplement) and it was causing me to have calcium crystals in my milk ducts which was stopping them up. After I quit taking the supplements (except the multivitamin) it was too late. The damage was done and one of my breasts would no longer produce milk. You can't feed twins with one breast not working at all.

I think what you are doing is brave, HBM, because you tell it like it is. You don't sugar coat it for anyone but you do explain that you support anyone in their decisions. I'm proud of you and I'm glad that I found your blog. You truly are an angels' voice in a sometimes dark world. Thank you.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Maman said...

Why should you regret posting something that you actually felt at the time you were posting it?

Because it is perpetuating the myth that motherhood is all sunshine, flowers and babies farting perfume?

Some days it sucks and it is hard. But we do what we do because we think it is important and worthwhile.

The end.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I am so glad you are feeling better.

And I loved the Rilke post. One of my favourite writers.

All the best.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

It will truly get easier. Really. And there is nothing sweeter in the whole world than a sweet baby breastfeeding, nothing at all.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Des said...

I am one of those moms who sailed through breastfeeding, so there is hope out there! But I also got incredibly fat and swollen with horrible morning sickness and 15 hours of labor. So I think I deserved one thing easy :)

12:34 PM  
Blogger Zellmer said...

I had a hard time with my first baby, and like you, saw blood in my pumped milk due to cracked nipples. But the soreness went away after six weeks and when I tried to wean her at six months, I was such an emotional wreck that I had to continue. She could have weaned just fine, but I couldn't. What you describe, so very well, is one of the greatest joys of motherhood. (Once they heal, of course.)
I miss the nursing more than anything.

9:50 PM  
Blogger followthatdog said...

I can identify with both the rough starts and the ecstasy of success. For something so natural and healthy, it can be pretty hard to figure out at first. But I am firmly in the camp that if you can get it going right, it is very much worth it, for both people involved.

Hop things continue to go better for you.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think expectant moms need to hear about the dificulties some go through with nursing, healing, etc. I was very lucky when it came to nursing my 2 daughters. I was hesitant to try with my first and even let the nursery give her a bottle a couple of hours after she arrived because the c-section was horrible and I was exhausted. I half-heartedly tickled her cheek with my nipple and was surprised how well she caught on.
If expectant moms took all "horror stories" to heart, the human race would have died out a long time ago ;)
A warning I do pass on to others: make darn sure you are numb before a c-section. I had an epidural and thought it was "natural" that I was regaining some feeling before surgery. I suggest women give themselves a mighty pinch on the tummy before the start of a c-section. If I had done that, it would have saved me alot of screaming and some nurses the trouble of restraining my husband to prevent him from entering the OR.

5:30 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Beautiful and heartfelt. Simply put, I've done both: bottle and breastfed. Though both were intimate acts, I can say with certainty which one stays with me as something intense and primal. The first 5 weeks were a desperate struggle of pain and breastfeeding complications. Once we were past that, good Lord, the beauty of that relationship still floors me to this day.

8:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was really glad you posted the now regretted post. It made me feel a bit more human as a mom for my experience. Because no one ever told me about breastfeeding as honestly as you did in that post.

Give yourself a pat on the back for perservering. I didn't, and I'm still not quite at peace with it.

Chin up! (that's to both of us, and all moms).

9:10 AM  
Blogger tiarastantrums said...

Beautiful POST!!!

12:02 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home