Her Bad Mother

Monday, February 4, 2008

If Your Child Farts In A Forest, And You Laugh, Will Anybody Hear It And Judge You?

So, you are at a cafe with your two-year old - who is sitting, quietly and sweetly, sipping the warm milk that she refers to as "coffee' - when she blows a loud, ripply fart.

Oh! she exclaims. I make a noise out my bum!

And you laugh.

And she asks, quite reasonably, under the circumstances: that funny?

And you say, no, sweetie. Just say 'excuse me,' please, when you make noises from your bottom.

But she persists. THAT FUNNY?

At the next table, two older ladies are watching and listening closely.

What are you supposed to say? It IS funny. But you're juvenile, and you don't want your daughter to grow up to be juvenile, and you certainly don't want her going to daycare and announcing that she can make noises out her bum and then doing her best Jim Carrey imitation. You don't want that at all.

So you contain your giggle, and lie. No, it's not meant to be funny. Mommy's being silly.

And then she farts again and exclaims S'CUSE ME MAKE NOISE OUT MY BUM. And you laugh out loud, spitting a little latte onto the table as you do.

You're not going to be very good at this whole 'raising cultured children' thing, are you?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would it be improved by using a foreign translation?

Botty burp


2:28 PM  
Blogger b*babbler said...

Count me amongst the juvenile then too!

Culture is for cheese. :)

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There would have to be something seriously wrong with you if you DIDN'T laugh at that. :P

2:49 PM  
Blogger KG said...

I have given up all pretense of raising cultured children . .. and my kid is only 6 months old.

You should have ripped one for the old ladies to add to the overall ambiance.

3:06 PM  
Blogger ALI said...

ok so i have often said.. i may have two little boys, but it's ok because i have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

oh-and i guess i should say scuse me, i might have made noise out of my bum while i was laughing so hard my eyes were tearing-that kid is funny!

3:13 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Farting IS funny. It's one of the reasons that it's rude. The Baby knows full well that it's hilarious when she farts.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Minnesota Matron said...

Wonder Baby has a rich world of opportunity ahead. With proper tutelage, she can fart entire songs. It is possible to burp the ABC's. She can say, loudly and in a very public place any of the following:

Show me your penis, Mama. I know you're hiding one in there.

Give me that cookie, Cheese Butt.

I'm making my vagina press in my pee. Wanna try that, Mama?

3:44 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Minnesota Matron: LMFAO. Thank god I'm not in public right this minute.

3:46 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

All I have to say is "drunk monkey?" - juvenile is highly underrated. I need my juvenile-behaviour support team... move back pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG...I am dying over here!!! First you and then Minnesota Matron! I thought I'd heard them all really. That is effing HI-larious!!!!!!!


3:58 PM  
Blogger Cursing Mama said...

so how do I explain the soup on my desk if this isn't supposed to be funny?

3:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

3:58 PM  
Blogger Brandy said...

You are not alone. My almost 11-month-old already gets a great big smile on his face when he farts. Wonder where he gets that from??

4:06 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Juvenile is more fun. Heck, it's possible to enjoy both high and low brow, and many of my favourite people do. Roll with it, mama. And next time, tell her you thought it was funny that she was surprised by her own bum, which shouldn't be able to sneak up on you like that.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Heather said...


We're very cultured in my family too. We discuss farts and poop. It's highly intellectual.

4:18 PM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Culture is clearly overrated.

heh heh

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd have to fart on anyone who didn't think that was funny.

5:22 PM  
Blogger Maman said...

Eh... if WB can't be juvenile when she is an juvenile, what is the point?

5:41 PM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

I love this post. It's so...real. :)

6:11 PM  
Blogger Julie Pippert said...

Don't come to my blog, wherein you might see your future which could possibly include your child saying, "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our poop."


In Mass.

To the Priest, whom she might address as Your Poopiness.

And those ladies were probably trying really hard to not spoil your parenting moment by cracking up.

Because seriously, we're all 5th grade boys at heart, aren't we?

Even if we're just 3 (or under).

6:32 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Farts are funny until they are coming from a 12 yr old and reak so badly that the wallpaper is starting to peel off the walls.

6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would've been laughing louder than her 'bum noise'. And isn't that one of the reasons we have kids? To remind us not to take life so seriously? If the two ladies were frowning, they completely missed the point.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Niksmom said...

OMG! This is one of the funniest things I've read in a LOOOONG time! Of course, this comes from a household in which Niksdad sings "I love to fart!" to Nik (to the tune of "I love to laugh" from Mary Poppins") and Nik squeals with glee! Yeah, we're so totally classy around here! LOL

7:28 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

I don't care what anyone says. There is absolutely nothing funnier than a good fart. Nothing.

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That funny? Yes, yes it is :)

7:56 PM  
Blogger S said...

Now THIS is funny.

8:40 PM  
Blogger theotherbear said...

Hahaha. I snorted at your post. By the time I'd read the comments I was almost choking. Thanks for the laugh!

8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too funny! I would have laughed too. I love the pic of your sweetie sipping her drink and the picture of the mokey in tha back taking a swig of something!

9:11 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

Ok, I would have laughed too!

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, Once you have trained them to say "excuse me" after they have farted they'll send you into laughter all over again with comments such as this exclamation from a 5 year old in our family "When I say excuse me people think I have something to say...but it's just that I burped or farted!" Golly, you just can't win. Sometimes you just have to LAUGH!

9:23 PM  
Blogger Doodaddy said...

I've just trained Boo to say "Mommy farted" whenever she toots. I figure, why not spread the love?


P.S. Seriously, though, I learned that a fart is a "social non-event." You don't call attention, and you don't excuse yourself.

9:47 PM  
Blogger Someone Being Me said...

I would have to laugh. She will be comfortable with herself so I think thats a good thing. As long as she says excuse me I don't see any harm in laughing.

10:28 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

Cultured children? I have two boys, what does that mean exactly?! I couldn't stop laughing at this - I would have been laughing in the cafe with you!

10:46 PM  
Blogger Lara said...

well, jitta and i are sitting here laughing our asses off. the cats are looking at us like we're crazy.

2:06 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

S'cuse me indeed! What a polite little fart.

2:26 AM  
Blogger Run ANC said...

The Boy calls it a
'bum burp' anf thrn I laugh. Count me in as not mature enough to raise children.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Hannah said...

Farts are funny. If you want culture, try pronouncing it with a British accent - "fahts".

7:26 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

My 5 year old STILL feels compelled to say "Excuse me, I farted." each and every time he farts, even if it is silent. Ahhh, potty humor.

9:49 AM  
Blogger furiousBall said...

rule number one of fart club

farts are funny.

10:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. In our enlightened attempt to raise "cultured," sophisticated children, seizing each opportunity as teachable moments, we might be losing the silly spontaneity of childhood.

Sadly, they grow too quickly. These moments, with all their public flatulence, are to be treasured and simply enjoyed.

10:37 AM  
Blogger caramama said...

This was indeed very funny. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it!

And I thought what julie pippert shared was extremely funny as well! Ha!

3:31 PM  
Blogger clueless but hopeful mama said...

Oh my. This had me laughing out loud.

Thanks to you and WonderBaby for the giggles!

4:13 PM  
Blogger Phoenix said...

The problem is that it is funny. I'm cracking up over here.

Love the picture by the way.

6:51 PM  
Blogger MultiplesMommy said...

If it helps any, my 5 year old came up with the term "tushy burps" when she was about 2-1/2. It made me giggle then, and now that she's taught it to the 2 year old twins, it makes me laugh even harder. I was proud that we were cultured enough to not teach her "fart"!

8:55 PM  
Blogger Ms. Huis Herself said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Ms. Huis Herself said...

My 3 year old daughter farted the other day, loudly, and so we told her to say "excuse me." She looked at us with a puzzled expression and said, "But it was on-yee my butt."

Because apparently "excuse me" is only for burps... not your butt. :)

10:52 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

that picture is way too hilarious with the ape!

my 3 year old son enters a room, farts, and says "excuse me!" at the top of his lungs before exiting

Running on empty

7:43 AM  
Blogger Karla Zamora, Digital Analyst said...

Too too funny...just loved it. I don't think it would be possible not to laugh. I know that coffee would have come out of my nose had this happened to me.

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh damn thats funny!thanks HBM for the laughs...and i'm sure that the old ladies at the next table were trying their hardest not to laugh also...farts are very funny around here.especially when you are out and 3 year old says loudly mommy that wasn't me!that was you being a farty butt! and people look....LAVANDULA

9:50 AM  
Blogger Julie Marsh said...

Believe me, you are the height of sophistication compared to us. I may have to provide video evidence.

(and thanks for helping me bounce the baby - laughing is a great way to bounce!)

12:15 PM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

Bossy's sister-in-law was in a bathroom stall with her daughter and the daughter heard farting from an adjacent stall and began, "Mommy - you farted! You farted Mommy!" -- wasn't as funny with the tables turned. Not to mention the whole False Identity thing.

1:07 PM  
Blogger TSintheC said...

Oh sure you can. Just make sure she raises her pinky finger when she's drinking coffee. It makes up for the farting. ;-)

1:52 PM  
Blogger Animal said...

*sigh* She might as well learn right away that farts? ALWAYS funny. Especially in public.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Jennifer P said...

I constantly make noises out my bum and we all find it funny. I am juvenile and cultured children are lame. WB rocks. You do too. Hope you got the latte stain out of your clothes.

9:57 PM  
Blogger The Super Bongo said...

I have that exact poster over my computer.

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Farts are funny! We have been teaching our son to laugh at toots since he was born. We's classy folk...

1:05 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

oh my god.. I'm still laughing. Hilarious.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Balcony Gal said...

Let there be farts...it's true that the only time they aren't funny is when they truly smell. I, of course, don't fart (excuse me, hmm, hmm) but the rest of the Balcony Family does and, well, there's no stopping the giggles. I love how people are either truly mortified by their own gas or they just shrug. Great post.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No shame in that. I laugh at farts/fart jokes/etc., too. If we all grew up cultures, nobody would be funny.

9:39 AM  
Blogger MJ said...


Love it!

1:51 PM  
Blogger Suburban Gorgon said...

Oh, I hear you. My husband has taught the Kraken to shout "Sayonara SUCKAS!" instead of "good night" when we have people over on Sunday evenings. I laugh out loud. Every time. Even though I know I shouldn't encourage either one of them.

8:23 PM  
Blogger Liz Miller said...

I'm laughing.

12:47 AM  
Blogger Mrs. T said...

Once when I was subbing at a high school, the class was supposed to be quietly reading, which they were, and toward the end of the class period, one kid ripped one and of course they all laughed. My inner priss reared her ugly head, chastising them with "Oh, come on! What are you guys in like 3rd grade?" The farter just looked at me and shook his head, saying "No, but that's ALWAYS going to be funny." And he was right. It always will. And it's even funnier when a sweet, toddler voice says "I make a noise out my bum!"

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never knew how I would revert back to juvinile giggles whenever my son makes noises like that!!

4:06 PM  

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