Her Bad Mother

Thursday, March 8, 2007

D is for Dirty, That's Good Enough for Me

Edited below! Lost passages from the verse-epic have been recovered!

So I had this crazy, dirty alphabet ditty all done up for you - inspired by you, you dirty dawgs - all nicely laid out on my Blogger screen with pictures and everything and then I go to save it and pfaff... "YOU ARE NOT LOGGED IN. PLEASE LOG IN AND TRY AGAIN."

And, just like that, it's gone. Apparently, my original post was created under conditions of intolerable subterfuge and Blogger - dear, sweet, protective Blogger, always looking out for me -took care to ensure that no HBM posts be created under false pretenses, and, so... zaaappp.

All that remains are those passages of verse that I was able to recall as I sat, fuming, for the duration of the bus-ride that is my long and lonely trip home from the suburban campus at which I have been sentenced to teach and scribbled what I could from memory. Much to the obvious discomfort of the older lady who was sitting next to me and reading over my shoulder... (p is for phallus that stands at attention!)

Herewith, then, all that is extant of the verse-epic, Now You Know Your ABCs...

A is for alphabet, propped against wall
B is for boob-sling, all crunched in a ball

C is for child, who puts bras on her head
D is for dirty, the things that you said

E is for eager, your stories to tell
F words were few, but that's just as well

G is for glee, as you dished out your smut
H is for hell, where we'll land on our butts

I's for the incident I had you describe
"Jumped out, did your boobs!" claimed many a scribe

"Knocked off your chest! The boob-sling did fly!"
"Liquored-up, you sure were - and don't try to lie!"

"Massages at noon - the real dirty kind!"
(Nooners, it seems, are much on your minds.)

Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders got lots of mention
As did things starting with P, that stand at attention.

Q (is lost in the gaping maw of the Bloggerburator. I have no recollection of what I did with Q, which means that it was probably brilliant. Future scholars will write great tomes about the lost passages of the HBM alphabet, perhaps using iconography from the HBM blog-scrolls - extant notwithstanding the Great Blogger Implosion of 2040 - to construct a hypothetical alphabet that can be used to decode the Secrets of the Great Cult of the Virtual Mother...)
R (ditto)

S is for sex - you all think I have lots
Truth is... um...

(Truth is what?! what's the truth? WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER DAMMIT?)

(Truth is... sex waits 'til I've washed all the pots? Sex makes me break out in spots? means connecting the dots? What what what was the truth about sex?)

Underwear in this house just gets tossed in the bin
Vampy bras see some action, but not very much sin

WonderBaby steals bras to wrap 'round her sweet head
X-rated undies are now chapeaux instead.

Yet shouldn't the bra be celebrated in play?
Z's pronounced ZED by Canadians, eh?

(OK, that last line was not in the original verse-epic but I am just too exhausted by my failure to remember the original couplet to do anything more than flame out in a blaze of total lameness.)

Yeah, that's right. Cover your ears. La Perla is best for muffling the sound of bad poetry.


Inspired by your comments, the Husband has come up with a plausible candidate for the missing Q/R couplet!

Q is for quickie, of which there are few;
R is for romp, a nice word for screw.

This is a tremendous contribution to the fragmented verse-epic, and I thank you all for your contribution. But we're still missing the conclusion to the second line of the S/T couplet, and I will not sleep until it is recovered. (I will not sleep in any case, but that's beside the point.)



Blogger S said...

OH.MY.GOD. I do not usually cackle so loudly when reading blogs (or cackle at all, come to think). I laughed so hard at this that my husband actually looked up from his reading to inquire about my mental status. And that, friends, that never happens, not even if the kitchen is going up in flames.

I loooooooooooove this. (And I am also pleased as punch at how close my guess was, although it was sadly lacking in raunchiness.)

You rock.

6:49 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Brilliant. I had to scroll right down to O to see if Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder made it - sweeeeet. I would have paid money to see that old lady reading over your shoulder.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Mouse said...

Should totally be working on my presentation. But I had to take a peep.

Of course I am very much amused by Q. As you remember things or like new suggestions, you'll have to start an app crit.

And zed. I now always think of Scooter's last birthday. Trillian, her parents, and I all went for afternoon snack to his class. He got to choose a song to sing and went with the ABCs. Get to the last letter and most of the room is saying "zed" while the dirty Americans on the far side of the room are sticking with "zee." I will refrain from taking more space explaining why that will always be correct.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hah that was great!

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even partly forgotten, this was AWESOME. Kudos to you, HBM!

(And I don't blame Wonder Baby. That bright blue La Perla bra is such a lovely color.)

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I friggin love it.
You are the best!

7:43 PM  
Blogger Jenni said...

I can't wait to use these to teach my 2 year old his alphabet!

7:48 PM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...


Very well done.

7:51 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I thought Zed was for Zillah, who drank too much gin ;-)

Love that photo of WB in mid bra-steal. Nice undies deserve to be seen, and she waves the lingerie banner proudly: "boobies boobies boobies!!!"

7:55 PM  
Blogger moplans said...

Go Wonderbaby!

damn pots.....

8:05 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Q is for Quality poetry and quality posting. thanks.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

DUDE! It just came to me. Q is for QUICKIE!!!

8:11 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

"Q is for quickie, they're now far too few;
R is for...?"

It's a start, Kate. It's a start!

8:22 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Hahaha! That's excellent! I tried to think of something for you along the lines of the Gashlycrumb alphabet, but it was late and I was tired and my creativity failed me.

8:24 PM  
Blogger flutter said...

La Perla is good FOR EVERYTHING.

8:24 PM  
Blogger OhTheJoys said...

va va va VOOM!

8:27 PM  
Blogger Mad said...

"Q is for Quickie,
They're now far to few"

R is for rude bits
That I used to like to woo?

8:41 PM  
Blogger merseydotes said...

Blogger does suck sometimes, doesn't it?

But I think you did a good job on the spur of the moment.

And boy was the story of the bra on the shelf disappointing! I was really pulling for you to have had a nooner. 8-)

8:58 PM  
Blogger Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Great job.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You SO need to put this in book form and publish it with Lulu so we can all buy it, and then during the Great Blogger Implosion of 2040 (when I will be 73, btw), we will have a piece of alphabet blogging history.

P.S. My bras are sold in boxes at Wal-mart.

9:23 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

oh god, if you and kate are right, Q is the most used letter in my sex life. awesome!

and awesome poem. dennis lee would be proud.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

This is great! What's with toddlers and their fascination with lingerie?! Mine loves it...and he's a boy!

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somehow, I can just imagine you singing it that.


10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha! I applaud you!! That was wonderful!!! Stupid blogger!!! How can you write a post and not be signed in??? Again I say STUPID BLOGGER!!! LOL.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Tania said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:42 PM  
Blogger Tania said...

Wow, it was like I was reading banned Dr. Seuss or something.

"sex waits 'til I've washed all the pots? Sex makes me break out in spots? means connecting the dots? "

10:46 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

Great Blogger Implosion? Now you're making me nervous, Nostradamus.

11:10 PM  
Blogger tallulah said...

Tee hee...this is something I will be teaching my toddler when reciting the ABC's.
Is that bra padded? Dang girl, I could fit three of mine in one of yours!

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One more example of why we should NOT get our children together. Our undergarments would be on display for the WORLD.

It's really sad when I have to announce: "No more playing in my underwear drawer!"

12:24 AM  
Blogger Creative-Type Dad said...


1:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

S is for sex - you all think I have lots
T is for truth...because uhm, NOT.

tee hee hee...or

S is for sexy, I wish that I were
T stands for what I am totally insecure!

Theres a few for ya from my alphabet...

9:54 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

You're going to give Rebecca a run for her money in the clever modern verse dept. This is absolutely wonderful. And I think I love it more in its incomplete form!

10:05 AM  
Blogger the mad momma said...

LOL! Ironic that you should post something funny today.. i just dropped by to give you this..


10:12 AM  
Blogger the mad momma said...

LOL! Ironic that you should post something funny today.. i just dropped by to give you this..


10:12 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Hilarious! And it's good to hear from HBM-Husband, because those Q-R lines are mighty witty. You're a good match.

10:32 AM  
Blogger S said...

S is for sex - you all think I have lots
Truth is... um...

Truth is, we're not hot to trot once there are tots.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

you are a straaange lady, but i like you anyways.

11:45 AM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

...The Truth is it's more baby blues than red hots.

...The Truth is I no longer can bend into knots.

...The Truth is there's been no sex in the Aughts. (You know, the 00's!)

...The Truth is my lingerie in my drawer rots.

...The Truth is it's impossible when you've got tots.

...The Truth is my evergy's now low in watts.

Okay, I'm done. I'll shut up now.

11:56 AM  
Blogger joker the lurcher said...

fantastic! and a little tip: if you block in all your text and do control c (or apple on a mac), it will copy it all to some place deep in your computer. you can then click save and if it all goes pop you can paste it into either a text document with control v or apple v or into the post that you have resurrected.

how nerdy am i? but i do this every time with blogger now as i have lost so many gems of wisdom by not being logged in or something.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

My sides hurt. I knew it as soon as I saw the blue bra. I have pics of Fric dancing around with my bras on her head.

Sadly, unlike yours, they barely fit a top her blonde dome. She would have got lost in yours...

Now that I'm suffering boob envy I will leave.

Well done on the poem. You rock!!

12:11 PM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

Future scholars will likely comment on Her Bad Father's attempts at subverting the Cult of the Virtual Mother by imposing his own gender-normative perspective (oh wah, wah, not enough sex) on the HBM Alphabet.

No offense, HBF.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Kyla said...

Brilliantly funny. I can only imagine what the original was!! Friggin Blogger, robbing the world of joy. *lol*

12:28 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

cakling here too!
your husband is AWESOME. (and your sex life sounds much like mine. we're low on the romp-factor round here, you know?)

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Truth is, since baby, no energy is what I've gots"?

"Truth is, since baby, I spend more time washing pots"?

Have you and your husband read "Babyproofing Your Marriage" yet? I wrote a post about it today.

12:47 PM  
Blogger Run ANC said...

There is sex that doesn't fall under the heading QUICKIE??

12:49 PM  
Blogger MJ Tam said...

I just found your blog and I must say that I have not laughed out that hard in awhile after reading a blog posting!

You are definitely added in my Google Reader!

1:59 PM  
Blogger The Domesticator said...

I will NEVER think of the alphabet the same way again!

2:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahahaha....now that was funny!you,HBM really crack me up sometimes and nice to see that HBD is as funny and amusing as thee.(and i won't relate any of my naughty nooners as this is a nice mommy blog

4:29 PM  
Blogger Alex Elliot said...

My son went through a very long phase where he used to like to wear my bra on his head.

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I can't type anything else - I'm laughing too hard.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Mamacita Tina said...

Ok, see, you're not helping my insomnia at all. Just too entertaining. Love it, love it!

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

S is for sex - you all think I have lots
Truth is the contraceptive lies untouched and rots.

? Just killing time.

5:49 AM  
Blogger ewe are here said...

Freakin' brilliant.


8:02 AM  

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