Her Bad Mother

Monday, February 26, 2007

Her Bad Hair

Because I've nothing to add to all of the post-Oscar commentary that is circulating the Internet (except, perhaps, this: what was up with all those puke tones? Mint green? Coral? SALMON? Almost made it possible to overlook the hideous bow on Nicole Kidman's mercifully non-puke-toned dress. Almost.)

And, because any discussion that I might offer about this today would rapidly deteriorate into cursing. (Not least, because it makes this joke now seem profoundly unfunny.)

And, because I am sick and snotty and cranky and - consequently - in the mood for a little self-flagellatory humiliation.

And - last but not least - because this fine lady threw down the gauntlet, and who am I to resist a good gauntlet?

For all of these reasons, and, possibly, a great many more that will only occur to me after I have swilled some more Nyquil, I offer you HER BAD HAIR, BANGS EDITION:

Late Eighties Goth Bangs. Hair dyed a distinctly unflattering shade of black; eyebrows carefully pencilled in with black pastel crayon smuggled out of art class because killjoy mother would not let me wear cosmetics beyond lip gloss (which, I needn't add, represented a serious hindrance to my goth aspirations.) Note teasing of bangs at crown: lower part of the bang is brushed down across forehead; upper part is brushed upward in spiky faux pompadour. Art.

Late, Late Eighties Bangs Of Desperation. Somebody saw Risky Business, seven years too late. So. Sad.

Early Nineties Bangs Of Despair. Short, heavy, blunt bangs never go with long hair. Which is likely why I look so miserable. That, or the hideous green dress. Or both. (Note, too, that this picture provides incontrovertible evidence that Bad Bangs compromise one's ability to appreciate things of beauty and/or adorableness. Possibly because they pull too forcefully and unevenly upon the frontal lobe, but that's just a guess.)

Mid-Nineties Bangs Of Ambiguity. AKA Her Bad Bob, First Prototype (Version Red). Early effort to work out the precise proportional relationship between length and heaviness of bang and length and degree of layering in bob, while taking into consideration variations on colour (experimenting with taking strawberry blonde into the deeper, more burnished reds) and angle of cut (angle forward along chin line).

Her Bad Bangs, 2007. Or, the iBob. Bangs now an artfully layered fringe that hangs neatly at point of eyebrow, thanks to skilled (and expensive) hairstylist and ceramic flat-iron technology. This will last until next hair-washing, at which point bangs will flip sideways and tidy bob layers will flip into strange Betty Boop-like wave, and I will resort to periodically pulling bangs and sides back with WonderBaby's toy tiara to keep them from flopping into my face while I am hunched over my laptop.

And no, you will not see a picture of that. I have my dignity.


On a more serious note, support is needed in the Basement. Please, when you have a sec, pay a visit...


Oh, and? Many, many thanks to OTJ, Mom-NOS and Kyla for the awesometasticness that is nominating (naming?) me for a Thinking Blogger Award. Which, well... me? Thinking? REALLY?

It's supposed to be a meme-ish kind of award, so I'm going to have to give some thought to how I'll pay this forward. Stay tuned.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG. I bow to you her badjesty.


9:18 PM  
Blogger S said...

Thank you for making me laugh.

So, HBM, what is your TRUE hair color? Or is that a rude question?

I'll dish: I am ALL GREY (really, almost white, not grey) now. At least underneath the dark blonde that I continue to dye it, on the theory that I used to be a true dark blonde, so it's at least marginally honest.

9:37 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

wow. those are some serious bangs. thank you so much for the laugh - needed it after the first bit of sheer ignorance you elude to. don't even get me started.

10:04 PM  
Blogger NotSoSage said...

oh, you make me wish that I had access to my old high school photos. it won't do it justice, but imagine a claw with short hair and braces. shudder never let your older sister style your hair.

i have that same problem with my hair. it's too thin (although yours doesn't look that way) to stay straight and flat. very irritating.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG, love the risky business comment. ha! My seven-years-too-late movie was 'Can't Buy Me Love', which sent me into at least a decade of intense hot-roller useage. I don't know if I could ever be so brave.. by 80s and 90s standards you actually had it going ON! Compared to me, anyway. Maybe that's saying something in itself. :)

10:19 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

We would have like soooo hung together in high school. We could have shared a tofutti while watching Thompson Twins video after school.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I know that this is your blog and it's gauche to talk about oneself on someone else's blog but...

Your bangs? In all of those pictures? Freaking gorgeous in comparison to what I did to my hair in the 80s and 90s. I bow to the majestic bangs.

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In that secpnd to last photo, you totally had the Dorothy Hamill thing going on. I dig it.

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

early nineties bangs of despair: you mean those weren't good? even at the time??

must go review some old high school year books now...

12:02 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Relieved to see you escaped the horrors of the spiral perm. No good can come of that hairdo.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Girlplustwo said...

Bad's bad hair years....it was a somewhat fattish curling iron, right...that got the curl in the bangs just so?

and the now is very hip. sexy bad.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Lena said...

I came here for some bangery and ended up crying in your basement. I hate it when that happens!

You're hot with the fringe bangs, btw.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

congrats on the thinking blogger award. you definitely deserve it, what with the think-causing posties you write. and see what you do for my articulation and eloquence? wow.

12:37 AM  
Blogger Lady M said...

I've given up trendy hair and gone straight to goofy wigs (already left this link at Kristen's but can't help sharing again).

Thanks again for hosting the Basement. It's good to know there's a safe place to share.

12:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mine shall go up tomorrow. When I am sober enough to regret it.

Don't ever change the platinum. I love it.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

This is classic. I wish I wasn't bolting tomorrow because I would have enjoyed doing this myself.

7:52 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

I smuggled black eyeliner into school too and FOR THE SAME REASONS! Stupid banny parents.
I wasn't allowed to use hair products also, and so I had the flattest hair of the 80s. You can just imagine how much fun that was.

8:34 AM  
Blogger moplans said...

Fab 'do HBM. The current one I mean.
The past bang teasers remind me some of my old attempts to have my bangs reach for the sky.
No I will not be posting photos. There were perms involved. All photo evidence has been destroyed.

8:52 AM  
Blogger mamatulip said...

"Early Nineties Bangs of Despair."

HBM, you crack me UP. *snort*

You've got GREAT hair now. Not that your past hair wasn't great, but...uh...er...okay. Clicking away now. ;)

9:08 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

What you all don't realize is that I've withheld the very worst photo for deployment at a later date, for when I really need to punish myself. These bangs are tame in comparison to the Great Blinding Platinum Bangs Of Doom (early-Nineties Edition).

Real hair colour? Well, I haven't coloured my hair since last summer, so what you see is some variation on current natural. My original natural colour was a sort of West Coast muddy strawberry blonde that went unmuddy if I ever got out of the rain. Then I decided that I wanted to be Molly Ringwald, and, later, goth, and so the Miss Clairol years commenced, and never really ended.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Run ANC said...

Love the hair photos. Love. Am a bob-lover myself (albeit bangless). I'm actually on the lookout for a new hairstylist in TO. Would you recommend yours (other than the fact that s/he obviously does great work!)?

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey catherine,while some of those bangs may have been a bit scary looking.....you do remind me of a very young SYLVIA PLATH wearing green dress and the long blonde hair.any how i can't make fun of anyones hair when my 6 year old daughter is telling me "mum you have purple hair with gray hi-lites.did you know that?"well no i didn't know my hair was purple....lol LAVENDULA

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your hair is SO thick! It does take a special (expensive) stylist to make the hair do anything it doesn't want to naturally.

I am in total envy of your "now" color.

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you, but if I had a scanner I would put your bangs to SHAME. Lucky for you I don't, so you win.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Her Bang Mother. Full of hottness.

Cracking up at your bang-stages of life.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


LOVE your hair now!

I'd contribute, but I haven't had bangs since I was 8 years old and I have no idea where those pics are.

12:23 PM  
Blogger BOSSY said...

To Bang or Not To Bang -- seems this is the question posed by more than just Howard Stern.

1:56 PM  
Blogger sc@vp said...

expensive hairstylists are always the key to feeling good about your locks. (lockes? is there an 'e' when we're not talking about the boaty-bridgy-things in canals? too lazy to look it up.)

1:58 PM  
Blogger sillychick said...

ugh, I work about 6 blocks from that Columbus day care...methinks I'm going to walk over there one day and get ahold of the owner!

I've got some mean pics of my mall bangs...can I borrow your Aqua Net?

3:03 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Oddly, the red bob creates some Dano Plato (the sober years) resemblance I had never noticed in any other picture...

I can't do bangs. Not only does my hair have an unfortunate penchant for curling and waving into weird contortions which make them, well, look rather like they are crashing on the shore of my forehead, but I also have a baby face with big chipmunky cheeks, so I am pretty well convinced that bangs would make me look about 6 years old. And not in a good way.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I second the Dana Plato thing--just the first one. Totally Diff'rent Strokes.

I also sported pompadour bangs and early nineties heavy death bang.

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The iBob! BRILLIANT!!!!!!

My parents almost never took photos of us unless it was a holiday, so I may have to resort to badly scanned Yearbook photos to show just how bad my early-80s bangs really were. Especially the spiral-permed ones.

4:43 PM  
Blogger tallulah said...

At least you have hair. Mine is all gone. Britney and I will forever be soul sisters because we shaved our heads on the same day.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

I may, in fact, have had the exact same set of Early Nineties Bangs of Despair.

May have had. May have had.

All photographic evidence of my possession, or lack thereof, of such bangs has been tragically lost.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too had all those bangs, and am now bang scarred and bangless forever.

Isn't it funny that we actually looked younger in the 90s than the 80s?

10:18 PM  
Blogger Jenifer said...

Bangs. A love/hate for me too. One day I will scan and post mine. Not today though, no energy for that.

We will see who has the worst bangs and lived to tell.

Think all one length hair permed then cutting bangs...so scary.

11:12 PM  
Blogger Maddy said...

I shall be attempting a very similar hair cut tomorrow [to your current one] The fringe disguises the furrowed brow and avoids the nightmare of eye brow plucking. The tips to the chin is supposed to deceive the eye into believing that my neck does still exist, you just can't see it as it slithers to my chest.
Best wishes

11:44 PM  
Blogger Alex Elliot said...

I have issues with bangs too. I like the idea of them, but I have curly hair so I always end up looking like one of Charlie's Angels (and no not from the movie with Cameron Diaz). Then I end up growing them out only to repeat the cycle a couple years later. Right now I have long "wisps".

11:45 PM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

I'm hung up on the dress thing. When I was graduating high school I used to go out with my friends every Saturday night. I drank a lot of gin then.

Every Sunday morning from -- like fer sure -- Feb to May my Mom took me grad dress shopping. I was desparate to get a great vintage number. The closest thing my mother and I could agree upon (no mean feat mother daughter agreement) ... was a unique gown at a consignment store in Kerrisdale, reported to be the erstwhile property of some Senator's wife a stunner from the 50's. But it was the colour of Glinda's dress from the Wizard of Oz, you know. And, when you are puke toned yourself it doesn't matter how many Sundays you stand there 'thinkin' it looks nice it's no sale.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

Your hair certainly has evolved into a lovely specimen of bob, if I do say so myself. I rocked the bob for several years, until I finally came to terms with my non-bob face shape, and went for a more layered look. I. Love. Your. Bob. So perfect.

As for the breastfeeding news you brought to my attention, I am appalled. As a former central Ohio resident I'm shocked. I always felt that central OH was very hip to forward thinking. Hopefully the huge response by readers and mothers will bring some justice to the situation.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Kyla said...

I've never had bangs! I think I basically have the same hair I've had my entire life...with the addition of a flat iron in the last few years.

These were lots of fun, and I can't wait for Platinum Bangs of Doom!

11:07 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Wow. Those were some thick bangs. And you know what? I had 'em too. Thick, with a large feather of hair sticking up to accompany the thick bangs. I really wish I had a scanner so I could share in this hair-ography, because it is delightfully fun!

(And oh yeah, your hair right now is killer. Love it. And it's why it is perfectly acceptable to spend so much damn money on a good stylist!)

11:28 AM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

You have forced me to remember my mutant hair do's of yonder.

I wasn't always the hot redneck I am now. But I am not brave enough to share with you my painful past of frightening do's.

Good for you. I am now crushing on you Catherine. Harder than before!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Scribbit said...

Yes, though of us who lived through the "Bangs to Heaven" era aren't usually brave enough to show pictures, but you had me laughing at the crayon smuggling.

Though I have to say, the 2007 edition hair looked fabulous from what I could see. Chic and sophisticated.

2:09 PM  
Blogger wayabetty said...

I take those bangs over some hideous hairdos that I sported, like a punk mullet back in the 90's. Need I say more?!

8:10 AM  
Blogger Debbie said...

dude, Catherine, you're such the hotness.

12:57 PM  
Blogger the mad momma said...

do i have terrible taste if i say i loved the dark haired gothic look? i think you look awesome!

3:30 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

"Her bad bangs" - you know what HBM? You're just bad (as in so darn good). No, scratch that. You're bangin'! (That means very cool, but in this case I suppose it could mean "rocking cool bangs.") Congratulations on the award!

9:25 PM  

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