Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Monday Miscellany - Wednesday Style!

Because Monday was a holiday and yesterday I had a bad case of the existential fuzzies.

1) Suri appears!

So, back in July, I (despite my best efforts to the contrary) was pondering the whereabouts of Baby Suri...

The obvious answer is (I said) that there is no baby. They may still be awaiting delivery of the black-market baby that will be passed off as the natural product of Mission Impossible Sperm...

However, it is equally likely that the TomKitten is the human vessel of a rare bloodline that can be traced back to Jesus Christ. Scientologists, then, are latter-day Templars charged with protecting this extraordinary legacy and that they are currently battling a vast Roman Catholic conspiracy to destroy all evidence of this legacy. This theory does not presuppose that Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes share such divine lineage (heavens forbid); rather, that Tom Cruise beat Bill Gates in a secret auction for genetic material stolen from the last of the Merovingians, and consulted with Michael Crichton and various genetic scientists on the best methods of creating a human child out of this material. The result of these efforts is Suri, the Holy Grail test-tube miracle baby, who is now being held in a top secret bunker near Rennes-le-Chateau in France, the better to protect her against Opus Dei-funded bounty hunters.

Well, the truth can now be told. It turns out that Graydon Carter has had Suri all this time, hidden away in a secret nursery in the New York offices of Vanity Fair.

Which means, of course, that the reason for her sequester likely has less to do with genetic experiments and religious conspiracies and more with such high-stakes projects as Humanizing Insane Celebrity Cultists for the Masses (or, HICC'M: aka Operation TomDad.)

I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed.

(She's cute, though. And clearly the product of two very hairy people, which leads me to believe that whatever Mr. Cruise might say about his heterosexuality, he's certainly been making heavy use of the body wax. I won't speculate about Mrs. Cruise.)

(Full disclosure: I am suspicious of babies with great quantities of hair. Where do these babies get this hair? Why does my baby have so little hair? I may be a little bitter about this. But I'm a wee bit tired of being asked whether I shave WonderBaby's head.)

(OK, I've only been asked that twice. But still. Please.)

WonderBaby Beauty Tip #73: Mohawks give the illusion of more hair.

(Mullets do not. Do not be sucked in by this evil myth.)

2) Actually, there is no #2. Nor is there a real #3, #4, or #5, but you probably guessed that seconds ago. Which means that today's post shouldn't really be referred to as a Miscellany. What this post is, in point of fact, is a post about Tom Cruise and Baby Suri, but I was trying to avoid admitting to myself that I have devoted the greater part of a post (when I am so backed up on my to-do list, for shame) to Tom Cruise.

3) I haven't devoted this post to Tom Cruise and his offspring because Tom Cruise interests me. Hell, no. I did it for the Google hits.

(collective gasp!)

OK, not really.

(collective sigh of relief!)

4) Actually, I did it because I am procrastinating on posting my piece on babies and eros. My two pieces on babies and eros (because although I claimed that I believed this topic to be unbloggable, I have actually found it difficult - nay, impossible - to stop writing about it) which are still messy in form and a touch on the raw side and I haven't quite come to terms with posting them as-is. Which means - yay! - more editing.

5) I also did it because I am completely preoccupied by three things: that I begin teaching again next week, that I will be heading to New York immediately after my first lecture next week, and that tomorrow I will be SPEAKING ON THE PHONE WITH GLORIA STEINEM.

And now I will leave you hanging for the details.

Because I'm bad that way, and because you all need to be punished for being so attentive to a post on Tom Cruise.


Blogger Dawn said...

Does that baby look like a wierd photoshop combo of their faces?

And GS? Do tell....

11:45 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Oooh, Dawnie - PHOTOSHOP baby?!?! Interesting theory...

And GS details will come, soonest.

12:07 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

My nephew had that much hair...it stuck straight up, we called it a faux-hawk....And Katie just looks sooo strained.
How exciting for you to be starting work next week, then travelling and to New York of all wonderful cities. And the great Gloria.S. So much excitement.
Best of new beginnings to you!

12:18 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Okay, Baby Suri, Eros and Gloria Steinem. Gah! Brain overload!

Must have details, my dear. Soon. Please don't keep me waiting too long.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Wow, that's a way to kick off working. Have a good chat with Ms. Steinem!

I've grown annoyed with Tom Cruise over the last years, but hope that the baby (if there is one) does well.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Suri is the most alert 3.5 month old baby. Must be something to do with that stolen genetic material.

Don't edit too much. I too sit patiently by my 'puter - all day and all night.

12:42 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Ooh, I thought when I saw Gloria Steinem and Baby Suri mentioned in the same blog post that the universe might explode.

But I waited a few seconds, and nothing happened. So it seems space-time took the hit with its usual aplomb

Hey, do you think you could get Gloria to call my mom? She used to be a professor of Women's Studies and English, before she had a mental breakdown, abandoned all belongings that wouldn't fit in a U-Haul trailer, and moved to a farm in rural Washington State. A call from Gloria would totally make her day.

(Eh, okay. It was worth a shot).

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who cares about Suri - teaching, NY? What is this you speak of?

She does have a ton of hair for 6 months or whatever...

Too bad she hasn't seen the light of day for that long.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Sharon L. Holland said...

Both my babies were born with full heads of hair. Which is a very weird thing to see protruding from your birth canal. And it still made me say, "Awwwww."

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly Dawn, I thought the same thing and also her hair looks dyed. Who would DO that?

I cannot wait to hear the details of your conversation with Ms. Steinem. Holy crap.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In retrospect, I should have known Frances would be hairy b/c the ultrasound tech could see her hair on the 7 month ultrasound. Yes. Born one month early with dark, thick hair two inches long. (And before anyone asks, no heartburn.)

I've been cutting it since she was four months old. It never fell out, but it did get progressively blonder for a long time.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

Sadly I was trying to google pictures of baby Suri all morning. So, a post on the conspiracy theories. Genius.
And as for the hair issue - my baby was bald for the first year. And, people also asked me if I shaved his head. Weird. Who does shave their baby's head. And what baby would sit still for that???

1:24 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Is Wonderbaby going with you to NYC? If so, there is a great storytime at the Uptown/Downtown Cafe on 2nd Ave between 84th & 85th. Was there with Monkeygirl in June.

NYC with a baby was great - lots to do and people were friendly.

When you speak with Gloria Steinem, if you have a moment, tell her that I saw her interview in the Sunday NYTimes mag this past Sunday and was telling 9 month old Monkeygirl how lucky she is that all these women like Ms. Steinem paved the way for her to have a wonderful life. That second wave went through a lot of s*** for us.

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Little Man came out with super curly, thick hair. The nurse had to wash it four times to get the stuff out after delivery. After the 3rd wash, and as I watched petrified, she sighed and just held the top of his head under the faucet for the fourth wash! So babies do come out with lots of hair sometimes. He never lost his hair and would have needed a haircut within a few months of birth if it hadn't been so very curly that it stayed out of his face. That said, there is definitely some sort of photoshop quality to that picture.....

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

they washed a baby's hair at the hospital?? Dear g-d! I had my nose buried in my daughter's head for three days before I consented to wash it and then we found out it was curly and two inches long but she's mixed so that explains that...
Ask Ms. Steinem if she blogs please and then ask her what we third and fourth wave "feminists" are supposed to call ourselves because we think that the term needs to be re-examined as it has evolved.

1:44 PM  
Blogger MM said...

Dittos to lala's question for Steinham. Don't worry, jupiter girl was bald until two years old..

I'm so sorry to have missed the memo on cruise...going without television does have drawbacks..but then, if I hadn't missed it, I probably wouldn't be over here reading you (which I find to be much more entertaining.)

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry - did you write something about Tom Cruise? I skipped through all that bullshit just so I could get to the part about teaching, New York, and Gloria Steinem. And this is how you reward me - with false accusations. Harrumph.

2:31 PM  
Blogger moplans said...

NYC? Gloria Steinem?
You are a Rock Star of Mommies.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Wait...you're teaching again? Is it at the same university?

And New York! How exciting, and mysterious! Can't wait to find out why.

Good luck with your chat with Gloria. I'd clam up and say something stupid for sure.

And dude, Suri still doesn't look real. I've seen babies with lots of hair, but hers looks like someone put a toupe on her head! The color looks dyed as well - you can see light brown wisps near the temples.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

there's still something a little "off" about Suri Cruise...

3:42 PM  
Blogger Vikki said...

1)There is something unsettling about her hair.

2)As a mother to bald babies, I can say from experience that lots of sunscreen gives the illusion of more hair.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Virtualsprite said...

Wow... Gloria Steinem. I'm so jealous. You are soooo lucky!!!

And the Ubergoober, too, had an immense amount of hair. Never fell out, but went from dark brown to red to blonde.

5:36 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I had a ton of hair when I was a kid. So did my brothers. My kids....not so much. But Nata was still pretty bald until 16 months or so. Wonderbaby will grow hair.

I think the Suri thing is weird. But I do remember it was like three years before anyone had a clue that his kids connor and bella even were real. It's just that back then, no one cared. Not that I like him at all, but....she does look real.

Oh and good luck on the Gloria thing. I am sure you'll do fine.

5:40 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

What? You're teaching again? What? You don't tell us anything...

But, god, that baby looks like a copy of her mother, so at least the pregnancy must have been real, whatever else might have gone on!

5:59 PM  
Blogger the mystic said...

Well at least the baby is cute (and Suri is not bad either!). I'm relieved that her face looks as if they are NOT feeding her the L.Ron Hubbard baby formula of... Barley Water is it? I can't remember now...

7:54 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

Hey, nuthin wrong with a baby mullet.
Good luck with going back to work, and have fun in nyc.

9:24 PM  
Blogger MM said...

After much deliberation and deep thought on the subject, I have determined that Dawn's theory is a worthy of attention.

12:06 AM  
Blogger L. said...

I gave birth to three little very hairy monkeys, even though when I was a newborn I was as smooth as a ping-pong ball.

And I just want to say you are SO CRUEL, to make those of us who don`t give a rat`s ass about TC slog through this post, only to find the GS tease at the end...

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Suri's hair has made me wonder, too. I am still a believer in the "she's not thiers" theory.

1:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My son was born with a full head of hair. I was born bald (and apparently didn't grow hair for a year or two). And yes, I had heartburn.

NYC? Lucky you! I love NYC! Have fun...looking forward to the posts!

8:50 AM  
Blogger Baby in the City said...

The hair does not look real. But you know that if it was fake they would've done a better job. I think they intentionally did wierd photos to fuel chatter. No such thing as bad publicity and all that.

NYC, Gloria, teaching, blogging.. you are indeed the rock star mommy. If you are still competing with yourself, I'd say you won.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi all,

This is Bahar (the politician to be) from the depth of the campaign!

Here are some thoughts:
- I was born with blonde hair
- my parents thought I was bald
- they shaved my head twice
- I grew lots of hair immediately
- now I have dark brown hair

So: shaving definitely helps. Trust me. But she might grow brown hair instead!

10:27 AM  
Blogger Nichole said...

First of all, I am way jealous of Suri's luscious locks. Baby E is almost 13 months and still has baby fine, light brownish blonde hair. Her daddy and I both have chocolate hair and I keep praying her hair will darken and grow...

maybe shaving is worth it?

And I met a mom on the playground a week ago who shaves her 10MO daughter's head. You could tell she did by the texture of the poor little girl's hair! She did it so her hair would grow back thicker and I don't understand that at all. Why not just let nature take it's course?

Suri is cute, but Sasquatch's baby would look cute if photographed by Annie Leibovitz.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Dudes, I had vicious heartburn with WonderBaby, and she still came out sparsely haired (very clearly blond fuzz, but still.) It remained fuzz for, like, forever, and is only now turning into wispy sprouts of blondness.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

i came here from google!

ok, kidding... but, i think that child, cute as she is, may have on a teeny wig.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Waaaaaaaaaah! Don't punish me. I actually skipped ahead to the personal stuff. Screw Cruise.

Mohawks do give the illustion of more hair!

2:03 PM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

The problem with the hairless baby is that once she starts to get hair, you never want to cut it. Even when it starts to look kind of mullet-y. Just a little. Maybe. Not that this would be something I would know about personally.

2:13 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

I like Dawn's take on it. I feel the same way about the whole babies with hair thing, though my son had tons of hair when he was born, it was BABY hair, fine and fickle, not all thick and punk like Suri's. It's definitely fake. They've been consulting with Jonathan Anton (of Bravo/Blow Out fame). I look forward to the baby/eros post, when it does get edited down.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Gidge Uriza said...

Okay i'm glad I'm not the only peson on earth who thought the baby looked like some bizarro world photoshop job.
I mean, I'm sure she's a real baby and I'm a jerk..........OR AM I?
(okay I am a jerk but not for this reason).

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would love to speak on the phone with Gloria Steinem.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Did you talk to Gloria Steinem TODAY??? I'm dying to hear more. Did she ask about me?

Wow, wow, wow.

And oh, Suri Cruise is a puppet. A very realistic, lifelike puppet. That hair of hers is the same hair that you'll find on Ernie and Bert.

10:10 PM  
Blogger nancy said...

My baby girl also sports the Mohawk! None of the kids in my family had hair for a LONG time. I was in college when my brother had kids and they didn’t get hair FOREVER. I had a picture of my nephew in my room, and someone asked if he was going through CHEMOTHERAPY because he was so old and so bald! E-gads!

Oh, and in case Tom reads your blog: Tom, you can pry my Z*loft out of my cold, dead hands. Vitamins my ass.

10:57 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Okay, seriously. This really gave me the laugh I needed today. Thanks!


11:11 PM  
Blogger Creative-Type Dad said...

I'm seeing Suri everywhere!

I may have to go out and buy the same wig .

2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're suspicious of hairy babies. I'm suspicious of bald ones.

Husband, in fact, was very concerned our second child would be bald. "What if she's bald? We can't have a bald baby. We've never had a BALD baby. Why are those babies bald?"

But, of course, being born to somewhat hairy parents, Bah-bie was born with a fair amount of hair. But not as much as the Tod-lar.

It's all about one's personal experience, I suppose.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that Suri looks like Elvis Presley. Spooky.


11:21 AM  

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