Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

(Not) In the Pink

Do you still call it a scare, if you’re not scared?

We had a pregnancy ‘alert’ this weekend. The whole late thing, the-past-that-time-of-the-month-thing, you know, the sort of thing that once upon a time had you kneeling on the cold white bathroom floor late at night, praying hard that the cramps would come and that your panties would stain and that you would know that everything was going to be okay.

The sort of thing that, last year, would have had you pacing in anticipation, if you had ever gotten to the missed-period stage. Which you did not, because you obsessively took First Response tests from the first opportunity (how many days-past-ovulation? How many days before expected period? When when when can I test?) The sort of thing that was cause for hope sweet hope. The sort of thing that ended in a WonderBaby.

This time, however... this time, you don’t pray. You don’t know what you want. You count the days off on your fingers in the dark, pricking your palms with your fingernails so that you don’t lose count and wonder how you really feel about this, about this being-late thing.

You know – you think that you know – that you want a Number Two. You just don’t know when, or how. Should siblings be close in age? Should you wait for your body to recover more fully from WonderBaby’s incubation? Can you handle pregnancy with a turbo-charged WonderBaby? Is waiting worth the increased risks that attend thirty-something pregnancies?

Is it possible to love any other being in the universe as much as you love your WonderBaby?

You take a test. Nothing. No line. Negative. You wish that you knew how to read the patter of your heart. Is that a twinge of relief, or of disappointment?

You wait. No period. Three days, four days. Five.

You test again. You wait. You stare into the clean white window of the stick, of your future. You notice that you are staring, hard. You notice that you are looking for it, that slash of pink, the faintest hint of a line that will tell you that, yes, WonderBaby’s sibling is on the way. The empty space of the test window stares back at you, the persistence of its stark whiteness taunting you. Where is the pink? Where is the pink?

A day later, today, the waiting ends with a streak of blood. A different kind of pink. And the sigh, yes, this time, the sigh is deep.

Because you know, now. You’re ready.

(GRATUITOUS WONDERBABY PHOTO will go here, with heart-tugging caption, whenever %*@^*# Blogger gets its photo-upload shit together)

(The good news? Unfettered drinking at BlogHer. Someone’s gotta pick up Kristen’s slack, right?)


Blogger Jezer said...

I would lay down and die. But that's just me. Which brings me to the point that hey, isn't it nice to *know* what you want? For some, I think the if/when wondering about siblings is tougher than deciding to have the first.

And I so wish I was joining you in sunny CA this weekend. Have a wonderful time!

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's nice to know what you want, isn't it?

1:50 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

OMG you would have been the 5th blogger in 2 weeks to out herself if that second line had been there. I don't know if my ready-for-the-second-child heart could have stood it knowing my waiting-for-the-better-financial-stability-of-next-year brain is putting the smack down. Off to blog about you (and the others) now. :)

Erm, congratulations? At least, on knowing now what you want anyway. Even if the bigger congratulations are in order in the future.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I look forward to the post announcing a name change for WonderBaby...to WonderSis.

1:56 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm not sure what I would do... as usual you've got me thinking about this. I think that I would be relieved regardless of what the thin blue line told me. Bumper needs a sib and I don't have too much more time to wait around. But I want space between them (and literally for them). Next summer perhaps...

I'm so glad you can drink at BlogHer - you'll get much better stories out of people if you disarm them with your drunkeness. Just stay coherent enough to remember. Ah screw it... get drunk enough to have to check everyone elses blogs for a record of what you did.

Congrats of every kind HBM ;)

1:58 PM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

It's good to know your heart. Congrats on clarity.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Lady M said...

Like others have said, glad you know what you want!

When we couldn't decide on something, SwingDaddy used to say, "Flip a coin and see if you're disappointed in the result."

See you Friday!

2:08 PM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

I think I might feel this way from now until menopause, to be honest. Being done seems so...final.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

So glad you know - but I'm sorry it wasn't the time. On the upside if you were pregnant it would mean no drinking at BlogHer which would suck :(
At this point I still have no clue what I want - I do want a sibling for my son, but I am so not ready - I am waiting till I'm at least 30 - maybe I will be ready then.
Or maybe not.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, drink up this weekend and see what you can do about making a baby next month.

Good Luck!

2:40 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

So I guess now you know that you want Wonder Baby to be a big sister. No times is ever perfect. I hop that if you want it to happen, that it does soon. :)

Have fun at BlogHEr.

2:41 PM  
Blogger ms blue said...

It's wonderful that an alert can help you discover the answer to a hard question.

I'm sure most woman can relate to not knowing how to feel about a potential unplanned pregnancy. Joy or relief. Spin the wheel. It lands on everything all at once. Being a woman means you get to experience every emotion at the same time to great heights.

I loved every word of this post.

2:43 PM  
Blogger toyfoto said...

I love every word of this post, too.

And as someone who has been pissing on $5
for nearly a year and ... well still (NOT) in the pink, I understand that emotion. Sometimes I think RELIEF sometimes I think WHEN?

2:49 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Good for you, girl. Does HAH agree?

2:58 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

I will be so, so excited the day the stick turns pink for you! (Or, I mean, maybe three months later, when you actually tell us the stick turned pink? What's your policy on piss and tell?)

We never do know our own minds. Maybe you've heard me mention how my family is officially done? That hasn't stopped me from developing a very strange set of psychosomatic pregnancy symptoms lately. The only catch is that I think you have to have sex to get pregnant... Right?

3:07 PM  
Blogger Devra said...

After I told one of our babysitters I once did an internship at Planned Parenthood, she thought for a moment and said,"Wow, do you realize how much money I will have spent on birth control by the time I am ready to have children?" I told her there are many paths to getting ready.

HBM, you've just added one. Excellent post! (I'll drink to it on Friday)

3:28 PM  
Blogger Silly Hily said...

That reminds me of the Friends episode when Phoebe told Rachel her test was negative and she was kind of sad about it only to tell her that she was kidding, it's positive.
Two good things:
1)Now you know you are ready.
2)Drink it up sister!
Very true.
Congratulations on knowing you are ready.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure you won't be alone in picking up my slack.

Just promise me you'll say "bulbousheaded lilliputians" with slurred speech at least once.

Hang in there.

3:35 PM  
Blogger metro mama said...

So happy for you that now you know what you want. What a huge relief.

3:48 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

i too sometimes wish that we'd have an 'accident' just so that we wouldn't have to think about the should we/shouldn't we question any more.
at least this way you can get your drunk on at blogher and we can get the tales of drunken mischief. and it really is all about us, isn't it?

3:58 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Well, two good things came out of this experience: you confirmed that you're ready, AND that you can drink without guilt at BlogHer! Wooo!

4:04 PM  
Blogger Piece of Work said...

Yay for siblings! Yay for drinking at Blogher!

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clarity is a thing of beauty. So is this post!

4:30 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

I got chills.....It will come.....Anne

4:40 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

Ack! You are?! I am glad for you that certainy came to settle, for this is one of those questions that one could ponder forever... I am awestruck because I am still not sure, and certainly not ready. I have a post about #2 in the works, actually, because it's a decision I feel that I have to make next year.

And like "silly" above, I was thinking of that Friends episode too - "Now you know how you really feel!"

5:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So EXCITING! Soon, soon. I feel like busting out in Chakka Kahn's "I feel for you...(deeer, nah!)"

5:52 PM  
Blogger Cristina said...

Oh, wow. I loved this post. I am getting that feeling too. The feeling of being ready for #2. Exciting and scary all at once. I hope there is a pink line in your future soon.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

I am aching as I read this. Excited that you know you are ready. Really, genuinely excited. But I can relate completely to the pink line dilemma. The same thing happened to me. Exactly. You could have written my thoughts exactly. And that's when I knew. I knew with every ounce of me that I was so ready. And still I wait. And now I wait for you too. The pink line will come when it is supposed to.

Now go drink your face off at BlogHer and celebrate in the "knowing of the ready!" Does that make sense? You know what I mean :)

6:00 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

It's funny, I could have written a nearly identical post two months ago. I'm pretty sure I'm ready for #2 as well.

Of course, I told the huz that we couldn't start trying until August. I have to be able to drink at BlogHer. :) Actually, it's because if I have morning sickness like I did with the first, I wouldn't have made it to BlogHer.

We'll have a TTC good-luck toast this weekend, OK?

6:28 PM  
Blogger Blog said...

I vacillate totally, too....Sometimes I'm ready, sometimes I'm not....This post definitely hit home for me.

Great blog, by the way. Your writing is wonderful.

8:27 PM  
Blogger Kel said...

I had my experience with this about 2 weeks ago. It ended up showing me that I'm not quite ready for that 3rd child. LOL

I'm glad that because of it your mind is more clear on having a 2nd child.

Have fun boozing it up and blogher!

8:41 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

great post. doesn't it feel good to know something, to really feel like you're ready?

9:25 PM  
Blogger BabyMakes4 said...

I feel like I could have written this post too! Except that I don't have that clarity...just that tiny little twinge of disappointment at the lack of a pink line (and how is that EVEN possible? A is only 6 months old!!).

Have fun at blogher!

9:41 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Knowing is half the battle now you just have to get busy!

You know, biz-zay.


10:20 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Pick up the slack, you say?

Oh, that's right...we all haven't actually MET in person yet.

Sarah and I are on it.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No offence, but you will feel this same way when you are waiting for grandchildren. Every month you will hope and pray for this good news of a snuggley new grandbaby! The waiting and feeling just never goes away. So sit back and get comfy, and please enjoy the ride.

12:23 AM  
Blogger Angel Baby said...

Wow, you said it all so perfectly!!

Dave and I just had our first talk considering that we want a second one... but not sure when. This year? No. Next year? No. The year after that? I don't know. How do you put the two together- the wanting another one and not wanting to plan it?

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being forced to think about it ... really changes how we think about it eh? hehe!

2:51 AM  
Blogger IMMomsDaughter said...

Hi, glad to hear that you're ready. Congrates on the decision.

5:16 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

C, I could have written this this week. Word for word (although maybe with fewer perfect sentences). Even down to the part about being able to drink this weekend. We'll have much to talk about in person tomorrow. Great post!

10:01 AM  
Blogger Miguelita said...

I just want to say I understand.

(sigh, and awkward but genuine hug)

And oh the fun you have ahead of you making that decision real!

1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know EXACTLY what was going on here!

Your body was just preparing itself to cycle with the other Bloggers at BlogHer!!!

1:27 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

Wow. I had that same feeling last month, and maybe ten times since Archer was born. Keep us posted. Beauutiful post.

1:59 PM  
Blogger GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...


1:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When my #1 was 12 months old I felt a little "funny" (long before mp was due), so I found an unused stick in the archives (from previous life of trying & testing)and to my surprise I got the thickest, darkest blue line I'd ever seen announcing that #2 was on the way. I started crying for #1 who would no longer be my only baby. Hubby spent the night throwing up in the bathroom. The truth is I prayed for a miscarriage.

2 years later (exactly) and we are all in LOVE with #2 - my gift from God. Best decision I never made. I was thinking the other day that if it weren't for our "surprise" we probably would still only have One - and now that breaks my heart. We needed #2 more than we knew.

3:34 PM  
Blogger macboudica said...

Well, now that you know what you want, time for the fun to begin in making it happen! Good luck! By the way, having a playmate for Baby is actually really nice, especially when said playmate is of walking/playing age. The kids will actually entertain (and fight, but that is another story) each other for some time during the day and give you some, er, well not really *peace*--more like down time -- kind of.

5:52 PM  
Blogger MrsFortune said...

What a nice description. Funny how that thing works. Dread turns into elation turns into... who knows, but I'm glad you'll be boozing it up at blogher. :0)

6:54 PM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

ready is such an abstract. may I suggest able. you are as looney as I am.

good trip, and safe home.

1:23 AM  
Blogger Occidental Girl said...

Um, this happened to me. Last week. I took my test in the bathroom of the public library while my daughter was at camp.

I thought I wanted it to be negative. It was. I was wrong.

2:49 AM  
Blogger Village Mama said...

Were you in my bathroom last week? It's amazing how our mind works - how we can be willing it to turn pink, to display that one little line without even realizing it. But the re-test game, that's the most fun!
Have fun - it will happen!

10:53 PM  

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