Her Bad Mother

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Loose Ends

Dear Baboo,

You are not, despite all of your efforts to commence rule of the Universe at such an early age, yet able to read, but Mommy needs to pretend right now that she's able to leave a little note for you. Something for you to find tomorrow when you wake up and she's not there. A message to you, from your Ma, saying how much she loves you and how much she misses you already and how much she's going to miss kissing your chubby little legs and your apple cheeks and your sweet downy head. How she's going to ache for your sweet laugh, for your sweet smile.

How she misses you. How she will miss you every moment until the moment that she returns.

But she can't leave that message. You'll wake, and she won't be there, and you'll turn to Da, and your smile will be for him. He'll love you enough for two, this weekend, while Mommy's gone. You'll hardly notice that she's gone.

So I'm whispering these words to myself, really. This is for me. This is so that I can freeze you in time, right now, and hold onto this moment and carry it with me for the next four days and for ever after that.

Dear Babchi, my sweet little monkey, my petunia pie, my Miss Milly-Fo-Filly. You are eight and a half months old. You are the most beautiful creature on this earth.

You are just over 30 inches long, a tall girl already. When the man at the farmer's market insisted upon letting you sit on his vegetable scale a few weeks ago, you weighed in at nearly 19 pounds. More than a watermelon; not quite as much as a bushel of apples.

Your eyes are bright and blue and sparkle with the light of a million giggles. You are always smiling, even when your sweet lips are downturned. You make me smile, always.

Your first teeth came in just over a week ago, and now they peek out when you smile, two little pearls. You use them to munch on the cucumber that you so love: you bring the stick of cucumber to your mouth and nibble away like a bunny. Then you shove it all into your cheeks and grab for more.

You love cucumber. You also love watermelon, and wholewheat bread from Ace Bakery, lightly toasted, and avocado, and slices of tofu with melted cheddar cheese. The slices of tofu with cheese, we called them tofu soldiers, until your Da challenged the name. Now we call them peacekeepers. You love them. You grab a slice in each fist and lick the cheese and nibble and then, as with the cucumber, you stuff it all in your cheeks.

You can fit a lot in your cheeks.

You have the sweetest cheeks.

You love pressing your cheeks against mine when we hug. If I say 'kisses,' you purse your little lips and brush my nose and then pull your face back and look me in the eye and laugh out loud.

You love to steal my glasses. You love to take them off of my face and then try to put them back.

You love peek-a-boo. You love the cats. You love your little wooden castanets, and your blocks, and your books. You so love your books: you pull them out, one at a time, from the book carriage, and sit, patiently working the pages, turning the pages, before hooting at me or your Da to come read.

You love life. You greet each day with a hoot and a fart and a smile.

You love me. And you have taught me that love can not only fill one's whole heart, but that it can fill one's soul completely, and one's whole being, and make one feel such joy, such unrestrained joy, that it seems that one's own little heart and being cannot contain it.

You are love. You are my heart.

I will ache, missing you this weekend. But I'll be okay. You will too. Better than okay: you and your Da will play and laugh and love and each day will sparkle and shimmer and you will be happy.

And because you will be happy, I will be happy.

With so much love,



In case anyone is wondering, yes, I will miss the Husband, too. But we've endured times apart before, and we're big kids; we know how to finesse each other's absence, how to tuck that extra pillow behind our shouders just so, the better to imagine that the other still sleeps alongside us. We know how to do this.

I don't know how to 'do' the separation from WonderBaby, how to endure the absence that will surely press upon me, ache and echo like a gaping hole in the middle of my chest. This is entirely new. And scary.


Okay, well, one thing that I do know: I will fill that gaping hole with liquor.




I'll be posting from BlogHer. And, all of those Mupproustian interview links that y'all are sending me? I'll link a few with each BlogHer post (and into next week with the post-BlogHer posts), with select Muppet Guest Star profiles... (and, in the meantime, if you're looking for some Red! Hot! Blogger! Profiles! check here...)

And I'll be raising my glass to all of you, for sure.

Wish me good times (and lightness of heart)!

Um, this is me. Substitute martini glass for child.


Blogger Mom101 said...

Me likey you!

10:43 PM  
Blogger Devra said...

Find me, I'll get you thru the Mommy Guilt I promise! We can use the liquor modality if that is what you find works, but there are also others...

As I said on my own blog, if anyone at BlogHer experiences Mommy Guilt, leave word for me at the front desk and I will come to your emotional rescue.

11:37 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

...my kids will be there for you to cuddle if you just need a stand in.

...oh, and if you don't interview me I won't buy you a drink.

See how I use alcohol to bait you there? See that??

1:03 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

You know I'm not that big on kids. So me saying you have a cute kid...well I don't just say that about everyone. You have a darling kid!!!(and I have too many exclamation points).

1:23 AM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

so sweet, so beautiful.

love the line about how wonderbaby greets you every morning.

have a great, great time in cali, and think about how awesome it will be for your babe and her dad to hang on their own for a few days.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

You are going to have a fantastic time in California and Wonderbaby will miss you just enough, but not too much. And when you return you'll be greeted with the most beautiful smile ever.

Just keep reminding yourself of this and those martinis will taste better. Have fun!

8:54 AM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

That was really beautiful. Leaving is hard - I just got back from a week away from my son. I cried when I left and I cried when I came back. But in between it was okay.
I tried to remind myself that it was good to miss him - and it is. Because it reminded me of how much he is loved, and it reminded me of how much of me is dedicated to this child.
And, believe me, you'll be fine. Especially once you start drinking :)

9:07 AM  
Blogger Miguelita said...

I left my kids for the first time when they were 10 months old. It was so hard, and I cried, even though they were being left with Daddy, who is as good as Mommy.

It took a full 24 hours to stop feeling so guilty. That was without liquid "medication". Then I got my sea legs back and had a blast. Went back home to my boys refreshed, renewed and more in love with them than ever.

Wonderbaby is just scrumptious.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We'll distract you with shiny things and liquor. You'll forget all about missing the baby. Mostly.

Or we'll all end up crying together.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

awwww that post was so sweet!!! I hope you have a wonderful time at Blogher this weekend!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Don't worry-- of course you'll miss her terribly-- but you need these few days of freedom. You'll come back a much-refreshed mom.

10:18 AM  
Blogger The Domesticator said...

Wonderbaby is so lucky to have such a loving mom! :)

Have a fun time at Blogher...oh, and drink a martini for me...make it a Cosmo!

10:42 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Am jealous. Have a good time! Can't wait to read all about it!

11:18 AM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

First - have a great time.

Second - 30 inches! Wow. Miss A was 30 at her 12 month and that was 90-somethingth percentile. She will be super-amazon-baby.

Third - have a great time.

11:27 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...


Have a great weekend, and have a martini for me.

11:29 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

wow. you're a sexy wench.

as long as the pangs of missing the baby are not tinged with destructive guilt, i am down with it. remember, you deserve this time for yourself! and wonderbaby deserves awesome and liberated mommy, so she too can become awesome and liberated.


11:48 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

OK, I'm sitting here in the airport waiting for my first plane, after composing myself after saying goodbye to Cordy, and now you've got me crying again.

It's OK, we can sit in our room together and cry and show off pictures of our daughters.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the beautiful ode to Wonderbaby and thanks for the photo. Now I'll know who I'm looking at when I see you at BlogHer. See you soon!

12:38 PM  
Blogger Jezer said...

You are SO CUTE!!!

Glad to hear that you'll be blogging from BlogHer. Otherwise, *I* would miss you too.

It'll be OK. It'll be better than OK. Have a blast!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Gabriella said...

OMG too beautifully written. You are an amazing writer.
Have a super time in Cali!!!!

1:33 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

So beautiful! And you, OMG! Also so beautiful! You said once that you were a Velma type. I disagree - you are much to slender and blonde and fabulous to be considered a Velma.

Have a great time at Blogher!

2:28 PM  
Blogger Major Bedhead said...

That was such a great post. I'm all teary-eyed. And that baby is too. freakin'. cute.

Have fun at BlogHer.

2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mmm I those peacekeepers sound delish

3:36 PM  
Blogger Silly Hily said...

What a beautiful post. It's so hard to put into words the love you have for your children. You did a fine job of it though. I can tell what a proud mom you are (as you should be b/c that little girl of yours is A-dorable). Oh, and my little girl kisses each day goodbye with a fart (or 10).
Have fun at BlogHer.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have a great time...without me! *sniff*

4:14 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

are you there yet? are you there yet? are you there yet?

Sorry... I'm just soooo excited (for you) that I can't wait until you get there.

This post is beautiful. You are going to have such a blast. BTW - I never thought I'd say this, but WB is so much better looking than a martini glass.

Have fun and see you soon because I.WANT.TO.HEAR.ALL.ABOUT.IT!

4:17 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Enjoy your time to yourself without guilt or regret. You don't love your family less. You're just being kind to yourself in ways you can't necessarily be when your at home.

You hit upon another thing that's good about business trips - your feelings for your children well up and overcome any feelings of being overwhelmed, etc.

Enjoy yourself and have a drink for me!

5:42 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

This is that much sweeter having met your darling WonderBaby and knowing that downy head!

I hope you have a great time - I thought of you today in Winners, when I spied a sweet and sassy laptop bag, and wished I swomehow had time to deliver it to you for your trip, but knew I didn't. You'll be so busy and tired, you'll be back with her in your arms before you know it.

And btw - I love that pic of you.

7:31 PM  
Blogger crazymumma said...

Have a great time. Gorgeous moving lyric to your daughter.
PS inappropriate comment perhaps...but your man is yummy....
Ciao, Anne

10:47 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Wonderbaby is lucky to have a mom who loves her so fiercely. Yes, you will miss her. Of course you will miss her. But the snuggles you'll get upon your return will be so much sweeter.

And in the meantime...you'll be having some well deserved fun and a chance to recharge before heading back to supermom, sleep deprived-dom.

This post was stunning. Gorgeously written. Loved it. Sending big hugs of reassurance.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Kel said...

Awww! That was so wonderful!

(In case you don't remember...Awww can count as a meaingful comment)

Yay for teeth! Bean (My 8 1/2 month old) just got one of his lower ones and the other is right behind it. Thank goodness.

Have lots of fun (which I know you will) and don't mommy fret too much.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I'm going away friday night and leaving my little one with grandma for the first time EVER....and I'm freakin out a little about it too. Just think at least she will have daddy there, right?

12:08 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

I was just thinking how I'm not really a fan of the whole second-person letter-to-my-baby, and now this. I'll have to rethink my whole view.

My favourite line: "More than a watermelon; not quite as much as a bushel of apples." Love. It.

3:16 PM  
Blogger cara said...

Such a thoughful post...and then you made me laugh out loud with the comment about alcohol. Enjoy!

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post! And a beautiful baby girl!

1:02 PM  
Blogger Angel Baby said...

Wow, your baby is a total cutie!! She's gorgeous... and I love your hair!

Thanks for writing such a beautiful post. I'm new here, but really enjoying reading...

12:08 AM  

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