Her Bad Mother

Monday, June 12, 2006

The gods must be crazy

**NOTE: Husband says that this post is evidence that my mind has snapped from lack of sleep. And, he is very alarmed by picture of carrot. For the record, I have gone only slightly insane. And will almost certainly not go Bobbit on anyone.


Normal fun blogging will resume once I have had some sleep.


In which I am going to babble nonsensically and to no interesting end about theology and mythology and the like. Yes, it is heretical. Yes, I am probably going to hell. You might too, if you laugh. You’ve been warned.

I'm probably going to hear crickets on this one. I understand. But I need this rant. I'm viewing it as a counter-balance to the Flickian enthusiasm that seems to pervade everything else that I write these days.

And, am tired to the point of disassociation. Cannot resist operating heavy machinery.

Last week, in writing about the challenges of caring for an irrepressibly ambitious baby, I invoked the gods. Accidentally. Sort of. In a nice way. I thought.

I said that it was a small mercy from some divine force – God, Nature, the gods, whomever, whatever – that WonderBaby, who no longer sleeps for any significant stretch of time during the day, sleeps through the night. (Mercy, divine forces! I said mercy! I was THANKFUL!)

Maybe it was that I didn’t single out the appropriate divine force (I know, Mr. God – I should have no other gods before thee), maybe it was that I referred to their mercy as small (size matters, I guess, among the divinities), maybe there is some obscure commandment against taking God’s name in blog. Whatever. Somehow, I pissed someone off, and now they’ve taken away my night-time sleeping privileges.

WonderBaby is busy during the day. WonderBaby is busy during the night. WonderBaby has commenced round-the-clock ass-kicking.

(And, chomping - CHOMPING - the boobies. To demonstrate her will to power. Which, WonderBaby, if you're reading this - and I know that you are, late at night, after you have sucked me dry and left me collapsed on the floor - I GET IT.)


(Now, am pissing the gods off more, no doubt, with the cursing.)

(But how much more challenging can they make this, really? FUCK.)

Now, I have my suspicions as to who’s behind this. God - Yahweh, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Israel and Judy Blume, Father of the Christ, etc, etc - is much too important and busy to have been bothered by my ungrateful bleatings about an over-functioning baby. So I’m pretty sure that the mercy of night-time sleep was neither extended nor withdrawn by God. The miracle of life, yes, I’m pretty sure that he’s behind that. But the sleep habits of infants, along with the outcomes of the Superbowl and FIFA games and deciding who gets to bear Brad Pitt’s children? Prolly not.

In any case, I suspect that God – and I’m sure that the old theologians, like Martin Luther and Augustine of Hippo , and the theistic and theosophic poets, like John Milton and Michael Landon, would agree with me, were they alive to see the 21st century – is off somewhere playing Texas Hold ‘Em with Mother Nature and the Holy Spirit and the prophets and their entourages. Leaving the world to spin and tilt and boggle and run askew.

And I think that they’ve left things in the hands of the Greek Gods. Who are bad mo-fos, yo. Bad. Not to be trusted with babysitting the world while the ‘rents get their game on. Was nothing learned from Homer? Please. It’s like leaving your children in the care of Courtney Love, Hunter S. Thomson and Jerry Springer. And then suggesting that they invite Tara Reid and Lizzie Grubman over for checkers. And maybe Ron Jeremy, too. You know, to pass the time.

Anyway. The chaotic state of the world as evidence of divine absenteeism is a topic for another day. My current concern is me, and how the gods are screwing me over. Or, at least, how some of the gods are screwing me over. Most of them are distracted at the moment by So You Think You Can Dance. (Which, Hephaestus, you can not. It's sad. Stop, before you become the William Hung of Olympus.)

It's tempting to point the finger at the goddess of goddesses, the goddess of marriage and motherhood: Hera, long-suffering wife of Zeus and reputed tormenter of mortal women. But I don’t think that Hera is behind my suffering. Hera gets a bum rap. You’d be a miserable old bitch too if your husband kept shape-shifting for the purposes of getting off on Greek women. And in any case, I think that Hera, aka old Bopis, has a soft spot for other big-eyed creatures, and WonderBaby has the whole cow-eyed thing down.

So, although Hera is the goddess of maternity and reputed to be something of a meanie, I don’t think that she’s to blame.

I’m calling out Hestia here. Sure, everybody loves Hestia, all sweetness and light, keeping the homefires lit and all that. But that girl’s got issues. Issues with penises. And here I’ve been chattering all over the place about penises and carrots (which may have also pissed off Demeter, but I’m reserving judgment*), penises and dolphins and penises and camels. And invoking Priapus, with whom she has a traumatic past. So I don’t think that it’s beyond the realm of possibility that she decided that she’d had enough of the penis talk and priapic invocation and got together with her buddie Hypnos to pull the curtain on HBM sleep by making WonderBaby even more wakeful. Thereby, presumably, putting a stop to all of the penis talk

*(I’m thinking, however, that Demeter, she of the wet-nursing gone horribly wrong, might be responsible for the nipple-chomping. So whatever I did to piss you off, Demmie, I’m deeply and profoundly sorry for. Now please make it stop.)

So, I concede defeat. I am helpless before the gods. I will cease all penis-talk immediately. And will make the necessary sacrifices.

Now, can I get some sleep? Please?

Cue music: The Sound of Silence...

Rest, Mommy...

... for I have need of PLAYTIME.

So, um, gods? Are you there, gods? It's me, Bad Mother...


Blogger Tearfree said...

Too much Mummy Blogging.

You need a little fun.

Stop by for a softwood lumber update and the Soccer Mom award.


10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay. My eyes are hurting from doll-like cuteness. I know. Total gratuitous baby complimenting. But, it must be done.

All I can say is I FEEL YOUR PAIN. It will pass. Somehow. Email me if you need to. Not sure if I can offer you any advice - particularly with the sleeping (Q is the leader of the "anti-sleep" campaign)... but I can try.

However, I'm pretty sure I've never seen so many names of Gods together in one place. EVER.

10:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never felt DUMBER in my entire life. Dumb dumb dumb.

At least you KNOW the names of all those gods. I'm going to hell because I don't even know who I don't believe in.

Despite the insane levels of cuteness, I can completely understand the need for sleep. I just wish I could help you get WB to understand too.

11:15 PM  
Blogger Granny said...


11:32 PM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

I am in awe that you can write like that on so little sleep. I really have not heard so many gods mentioned in one place since my humanities 101 class my first year (homer to the bible in one long year). Your awesomeness knows no bounds. Maybe that's it; maybe WonderBaby just wants to knock you down a peg. I mean, she can't even talk yet and here you are with all the brilliant analysis and shit. (I love your brilliance, mind you, but I have been talking and walking for a number of years now.) Maybe drool a bit, babble in her direction and see if she cuts you some slack. Good luck.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Heh heh. That was insanely entertaining.

And I have no advice. My Liz ruled our home completely for her first 2 years.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clearly, lack of sleep turns on some part of your brain, and allows you to think and spout oodles of knowledge.

For me, all it does is make me forget things, including my cat's name, where anything is, and what to call that piece of furniture by my bed (cedar chest).

That being said, I can certainly commisserate with the lack of sleep. They tell me it passes. I just keep repeating that to myself over and over...it will pass...it will pass...

I wish you sleep!

7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow- Aidan's obsessive fascination with Greek Mythology has finally paid off. I actually got every single reference and damn you're funny.

Goerge was up all night last night too. Once every hour. TORTURE.

Today in my sleepy crankiness- I think Artemis had it right, preserving her freedom, shunning marriage and chidren of her own.

7:05 AM  
Blogger metro mama said...

Hilarious! Sleep deprivation agrees with you.

I hope she starts sleeping again soon.

8:36 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

The nipple chomping, I think, can be attributed to a lesser-known Native American deity... The Rabid Badger.

I agree with MotherGooseMouse. I've never felt more stupider in all my life. And yet somehow smarter after clicking through the 2000 links to Greek Gods that you provided. I have no advice for the sleep since I am also sleep deprived at the moment. But you've got a friend in exhaustion.

Pass the caffeine.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

I am not worthy! (Forehead touching floor in what may be a blasphemous invocation of YET ANOTHER deity.) This has to be one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read. (And what’s even funnier is how, when I got to the part about Hera, I said to myself, "Really, it has to be Hestia who’s behind all this…")

It’s one of the biggest things no one ever tells you: that babies can STOP sleeping through the night. Here’s hoping that WonderBaby returns to her former nightsleeping ways soon. (For your sake though not for ours: if sleep-deprivation leads you to spout such erudite and yet entertaining posts, I say keep it coming!)

10:17 AM  
Blogger Kristi said...

Wishing you lots and lots of good sleep, for Christ's sake!

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sleep woman Sleep!!!
I will be sending positive sleep vibes to you and your sweetie pie!

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. That last picture just sealed the whole thing perfectly...and even dripping with adorable cuteness, it may give me constant nightmares of nipple-chomping, cow-eyed babies.

I'm so glad you commented on my blog - I've found another brilliant writer to add to my leg-humping line at BlogHer.

Thank you, blogging gods.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

Nipple chomping and carrot chopping.

I hope you get some serious sleep soon, darling.

Sending sleepy thoughts to Wonderbaby...zzz...

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! I just snorted my diet coke up my nose.
Love the baby pics. Too cute!

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you be so brilliant when you are so tierd? This is sheer genious..

12:22 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...


1:45 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

I swear it gets better at some point. Cordy used to be a night-waker, and slowly we've had fewer and fewer night wakings.

Shit. I just cursed myself by saying that, didn't I? Off to find a goat to sacrifice...

2:23 PM  
Blogger Laural Dawn said...

I have no idea how you managed to make that so interesting When you are so sleep deprived.
At 6 months my doctor told me to try Ferberizing my son (crying it out) and I tried but it sucked and then it made his wakefulness seem less horrible than the crying.
I still have no idea about sleep.
I hear it gets better.
But as for the chomping ... Ouch.
I nursed till Matt was 18 months (not by choice for that long)and could not deal with the chomping. Have you tried sticking your finger in her mouth and pulling her off? I don't think they fully understand what they are doing.
Poor you.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

as always, wonderbaby is gorgeous with those big eyes of hers! and you momma, get some rest!

2:29 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

How can you write such a damn funny post on such little sleep!?! You astound me. But what astounds me more is the insane cuteness of wonderbaby!!!

Wishing you some good sleep soon my friend. Vodka. Vodka does the trick...

8:01 PM  
Blogger Baby in the City said...

Wish I had some good advice. A secret, harmless potion. Hang in there - something's gotta stick, you'll find an answer.
For what its worth, I've found that an extra long bath - long enough to cool the babe's body temperature slightly - helps the sleep. I remembered this from when I was a kid: my mom would make my sister and I go swimming before bed. We'd always get quite cold, then when we were bundled in fresh jammies and lots of blankets, we slept so so well. That, of course, was the plan and it worked. A milder version seems to work for my little guy too.

10:12 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

The only thing I can say is what my mother always tells me ... this too shall pass!!

10:18 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

Oh, now I feel like I've cursed you by oh-so-casually mentioning that my son was like a whirling dervish by day and still didn't sleep at night . . .

The very, very sad thing to me is that I used to know enough Greek mythology to understand this post without straining my brain, but I've recently forgotten almost all of it . . . because of the lack of sleep, I am convinced. My entire high school and college education is leaking out through my ears while my changeling-child cackles wickedly . . .

11:26 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

Ummmmm, not to scare you, or anything....but it sounds like you might have a spirited child on your hands. I have one. He makes life....interesting.

Read this:

and tell me if this sounds like your incredibly adorable daughter. If so, you have not been cursed, you have been chosen.

The Gods know that not every mortal can raise a Wonderbaby. :?)

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WonderBaby's black and white outfit with the CHERRIES! The HAT!! Good gods that baby is ADORABLE!!!

Congrats also on MOTW-you deserve it!

12:14 AM  
Blogger ms blue said...

My children are anti-day time sleep. (Well except when they are at daycare! What the hell is up with that? Could life be so exciting with me that they wouldn't want to close their eyes for even a quick nap? Hey maybe that's our problem!)

They also pick the occasion night to get their groove on so that I don't get used to a sleep routine. I think I may need to set up a shrine to some of the Gods that you mentioned.

Now did Sunshine Scribe recommend vodka for you or Wonderbaby?

2:09 PM  
Blogger MM said...

Holy MOther Frick!!!

That was the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time.

4:38 PM  

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