Her Bad Mother

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Today's post brought to you by the letter P

So I was planning on blogging about the herd of buffalo that stampeded through our living room, knocking over all of my empty chardonnay bottles, in the early hours of this morning, until I found this on our doorstep:

Congratulations! You qualify for an instantly slimming, beautifully shaping, supremely comfortable, free sample pantyhose!

Which I found infinitely more disturbing.

Is there any other thing that is more matronly than pantyhose? No self-respecting girl-about-town wears pantyhose. You can’t even be sartorially ironic about pantyhose: downtown punk chicks wear shredded tights, Harajuku girls wear Hello Kitty knee socks and urban vintage cool hunters reference the 40’s in fishnet stockings. Pantyhose? Not even Chloe Sevigny wears pantyhose.

Prior to becoming a mother, I would occasionally wear tights (black, opaque Dim tights, worn with black skirts and black sweaters), weather depending. I have also been known, on dressier occasions, to don a pair of thigh-hi stay-ups or even – wink – gartered stockings. I have never worn Spanx, but I have it on good authority that they are not at all offensive. And, c’mon, spanx. Any product that refers to good ol’ S&M fun can’t be all that dowdy.

But pantyhose? Please.

The very term is disturbing. Panty. Hose. The word ‘panty’ may be titillating, insofar as it can conjure images of pajama parties full of college girls in baby-doll nighties pummeling each other with feather pillows (if you’re into that sort of thing), but pair it with the word ‘hose’ and it is drained of all eroticism. Pantyhose. You might as well call them gonch-tubes for all the feminine allure they evoke.

Throw in the words 'nude,' 'control top' and 'crotch' – as in nude control top pantyhose with reinforced crotch, size Extra Queen - and you’re done. Officially neutered and condemned to a sartorial existence that is defined by a-line skirts with elastic waistbands and polyester slacks. You are 70’s Mom. You might as well get the Carol Brady mullet and be done with it.

So why hasn’t anyone explained all of this to the makers of Enchantress Hosiery, makers of fine Enchantress Control Top Hosiery and the brains behind (I shit you not) the Control Top Pantyhose Club for Women, who sent me this invitation to join their Pantyhose of The Month Club (still not shitting you) with the promise to also send me a pair of Free! Cubic Zirconia! Earrings! (still with the not shitting) if I signed up immediately?

Why why why why why?

When did I become Control-Top Mom, and who told those people?

Don't do it, Mommy! Hold out for the L'eggs!

And while we’re entertaining questions: why do I get this shit in the mail, while Izzy gets personal lubricants? Where do I file my complaint?

And? How do I get myself reassigned to the Honey-Pass-The-Lube list?


Blogger Christina said...

I didn't get any freebies, although I don't know which is worse: getting no freebies, or getting pantyhose freebies.

I'm a hose hater as well. And who thought up calling the largest size Queen, anyway? Are they trying to convince us fat girls that we're special in some way?

I have it on good authority (as in, I'm wearing them for the first time today) that Spanx ROCK! Thanks to their undies (not hose - more like compression shorts, really) I'm wearing my slim capris today (that I normally can't fit into) and don't feel like stuffed sausage.

2:33 PM  
Blogger macboudica said...

Ugh, pantyhose. I'm a thigh high girl myself.

Well, you have something with what "panty" conjurs up, but "hose"? That is a euphanism for penis. Because the panty is just where every hose (penis) wants to be.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You manage to make me laugh yet again, spanx are not that bad, BUT you have to REMOVE and HIDE them before any romantic encounter. Used spanx to walk my dog once to substitute missing leash, amazing strenght and durability.

2:50 PM  
Blogger MrsEvilGenius said...

B-but Free! Cubic Zirconia! Earrings!

How could you resist?!

At 42 I'm stuck in some sort of post-punk/neo-hippy netherworld where it's either bare legs and wool clogs under shapeless skirts or black tights and Docs under ... erm ... shapeless skirts.

But they're BLACK shapeless skirts.


-Blue (whats never worn pantyhose)

3:06 PM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I can't believe you would turn down such an offer. Don't you know there are CZ-less mothers all over the world just starving for pantyhose to put between them and their polyester pantsuits?

Shame on you.


3:15 PM  
Blogger The Domesticator said...

I like "pantyhose" only in color black, or sometimes cream. I never got the "nude" thing.
Spanx? never heard of them...love the name, though.
I got a free tampon sample in the mail...does that count?

3:27 PM  
Blogger gingajoy said...

they could at least have the decency to throw in free douche kit too--something that is a bit more up front about the crotch stinking apparatus that are pantyhose. (not with me, you understand, but for many, many women...)

3:56 PM  
Blogger Cristina said...

When I saw the picture at the beginning of your post I figured it HAD to be the Sensual Mist that seems to be appearing on mommy blogger doorsteps these days. How disappointing to find pantyhose instead. :)

4:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pissed. I haven't gotten ONE THING. NOTHING. Bastards.

I want a pic of the nude pantyhosen - maybe you could show us the myriad of "other" things you could do with them.

And, my pet peeve? Pantyhose and open toed shoes. Bad. Very Very bad.

4:40 PM  
Blogger Not Hannah said...

Run...run away from people offering free pantyhose by mail. I said, "Sure, send me some free pantyhose" when I was young and just married and therefore ignorant of the evils of the free-pantyhose people. What followed was a TWO YEAR battle in which I tried to cancel the pantyhose order I didn't know I ordered and which culminated with a creditor sending me a collection notice for $9.92. All for a pair of pantyhose that made me feel...well...kind of like a dork.

Also, any DOOL fans out there who find it strange that Marlena ALWAYS has on pantyhose under her pjs? Even when she's possessed by Satan?

6:04 PM  
Blogger Redneck Mommy said...

If you figure out how to get on the Lube List, let me know. I wonder if they deliver to the North??

6:04 PM  
Blogger city dweller said...

I think it's time to "rename" the pantyhose for those that do wear them. That name is so old.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On a related note to the personal lubricant thing (and tangential to Spanx), I hear (ahem) that pantyhose are good when used to tie someone to the bedpost. A willing participant, of course.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

I remember when pantyhose first came out and how wonderful it felt to lose the garterbelt. How times have changed.

If you liked the post you linked to, you'll love this one (if you haven't already seen it)


8:04 PM  
Blogger petite gourmand said...

sooo funny.
I checked my mailbox twice today in hopes of discovering some free, preferably spice coloured, reinforced toe, double seemed crotch pantyhose..
alas, just bills and junk mail.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

I refuse to use the P word. I call them stockings. That way I can retain some of my hip dignity.

And I am with Kristen. I want to hit the women who walk into the office in sandals with the P. Bad juju, people, bad juju.

8:46 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

I want a free sample of Chardonnay!

10:57 PM  
Blogger ninepounddictator said...

I agree about pantyhose...I can barely say the word.

I've gone bare legged for more than fifteen years - even if I go to a formal event and it's -30 outside...

Anyone try on the spray-on pantyhose?

11:04 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

No no no Panty Hose. Stupid word. Only good for a mask to smush up your face when you are robbing a bank. (not that I rob banks that terribly often).

Never ever wear them.

But some fish net stockings would have been a fun freebie.

I do feel a little left out..all I get is bills and take out menus.

11:21 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm not a pantyhose kind of gal myself. Plus, living in Florida it really becomes obosolte, thank God.

And I totally HATE the word panty. Or panties. Yuck. LOL. I don't think slumber parties when I hear it- I think pervert old man. I don't know why. Just do. LOL.

And if you find out how to get that free lube, let me in on that secret, LOL!d

1:14 AM  
Blogger mo-wo said...

My best friend and I used to put everything possible in an acronym to magnify our disdain... top of the heap were the PBN's.. puke brown nylons. We just could not stand that lcd, basic browny panty hosiery out there.

2:35 AM  
Blogger ms blue said...

I'm feeling the need for some muffin control top action. The weather's been nice but I'm afraid that I might blind you with my bare legs. I refuse to wear pantyhose. Some new capris would be nice.

I think I better stop visiting blogs and start signing up for some free samples.

2:39 AM  
Blogger Mom on the Run said...

Someone probably read your wonderful blog and thought you could re-revolutionize the pantyhose. You and your blog and all your loyal followers!

3:02 AM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

For me it's the word more than anything else. So degrading.

Spray on pantyhose, as Kristen mentioned? Now that might be interesting for folks like me whose legs are a spectacular, glaring white.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Kristi said...

The pantyhose club must be struggling for membership these days. It's a sad day people, when you have to resort to mailed solicitations.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with Kristen. No samples gracing my door. The only packages I get are the ones where I have to give out my debit card number before they'll consider sending me anything. Bastards. I have tried to get on the lists that send cool samples (Lube list??? Sign me up!) but I guess you have to know someone to get the good stuff. All I get are bills and those missing persons flyers. I want better junk mail.

Andrea (www.littlebalddoctors.blogspot.com) Freaking blogger messing up in the comments again.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I GOT THE SAME THING!!! And, I found out later, it's a subscription service, not just a random freebie. Subscribing. For custom pantyhouse.

Are you shitting me?

Yeah. Like I have time to wear pantyhouse. Or Gonch-tubes, a term I do like even better.

12:19 PM  
Blogger kittenpie said...

yeah, it's mostly tights or bare legs for me too, though I admit to wearing sheer black hose on rare occasions when I need to look especially grownup or fancy. But I just call them hose. Sounds better to me. Closer to hosiery.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude...I don't know how the KY people found me. But I think I'd rather get a Swiffer next time :)

4:14 AM  

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