tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post9107115592322359090..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: Abortion Means Never Having To Say You're SorryHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger179125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-69992045386115268862009-04-28T22:20:00.000-04:002009-04-28T22:20:00.000-04:00Your life story is increadably sad. Even though ...Your life story is increadably sad. Even though I'm pro choise I still very much believe in the womans right to chose. My sister was pregnant and had a wonderful baby girl and I love her with all my heart. I once asked my sister had abortion ever been an option she said no once she saw that sonagram she saw her baby it didn't matter to her. But i think if the circumstances were right I could get an abortion it may kill me everyday of my life but if I knew the baby's life would be painful or very short lived why put myself, that child and my family through that pain. Or rape how could I ever look a child who was made of nothing but hate in the eyes and honestly tell them I loved them, some women can and I think very highly of there capibility to love and look past that. I could never condem you or your mother for your choises I don't know your circumstances and sometimes some people just arnt ready to be parents or never will be. That's my view on things. thanks for sharing your story!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-11216623765838748582009-04-16T19:53:00.000-04:002009-04-16T19:53:00.000-04:00I am amazed -- blown away, really -- by your abili...I am amazed -- blown away, really -- by your ability to so eloquently put into words my own feelings about my abortion. Everything you wrote here, I have felt but been unable to pin down with words. And I had no idea anyone else out there had these same thoughts and experiences. Thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-30333322258365003372009-04-13T03:23:00.000-04:002009-04-13T03:23:00.000-04:00What a thought-provoking post. I am a mother of 4 ...What a thought-provoking post. I am a mother of 4 (kids 13, 5, 2, and 7 weeks) and had an abortion when I was 19. Although I'm very much pro-life, I'm glad to see that the comments have maintained a respectable debate. <BR/><BR/>I would never judge someone else because of their choice, but for ME, and me alone, the grief that that choice caused me has stayed with me every day, and will until I take my last breath. Adoption seems like an impossible choice for me, yet after reading your mothers post, and the comments by other readers, I'm glad people make that choice, and what selflessness and love allows them to do that. <BR/><BR/>I still *blame* the abortion I had on where I was at the time...in Los Angeles, with my then fiance (now my husband of 10 years) and mother-in-law, for a month-long visit. I *knew* had I been at home, with my family, I would've never made the same decision. Yet, how I can I blame my mother-in-law? She didn't force me, didn't make me sign my name, didn't push me in to that room at the clinic. <BR/><BR/>It was all me. And I will never be the same for it.Ashley H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13450910544133903313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-22402393312952780392009-04-09T06:34:00.000-04:002009-04-09T06:34:00.000-04:00I can't help but feel that some posters are missin...I can't help but feel that some posters are missing the point. If you're approaching from the pro-choice perspective, it's not that you actually think that a fetus gains personhood because it's wanted. Objectively, regardless of whether or not I want it, a first-trimester fetus is not a person as far as I'm concerned. But if I want the baby I'll embrace its personhood at conception anyway, because I'm sentimental in that way. It doesn't mean I think that wanting the fetus is the thing that makes the difference in personhood. Just saying, since the pro-life response to that sentiment always seems like a bit of a misunderstanding.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-81170343077041149762009-04-09T01:10:00.000-04:002009-04-09T01:10:00.000-04:00I've had an abortion, placed a child for adoption ...I've had an abortion, placed a child for adoption (not "gave up"--I HATE that term), and now I'm an adoptive mother. <BR/><BR/>The abortion was the choice of a scared teenager. The adoption plan for my son was the smart decision of a older college student. While it was hard, I do not grieve that loss every day. Some years I even forget his birthday. Life does go on, especially if you feel that you made the right decision. I also don't grieve the pain of my abortion much anymore. In some ways, the second pregnancy helped me feel like I was a good enough person to make the smarter choice the second time around. (Just for the record as long as I'm anonymous: first pregnancy, no birth control; second one, broken condom.)<BR/><BR/>As an adoptive parent, I know I wouldn't have had to wait three long years for my adopted son if more women chose adoption over abortion. <BR/><BR/>No judgments. Obviously a very complicated issue.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-43153535181483944642009-04-05T20:57:00.000-04:002009-04-05T20:57:00.000-04:00this post makes me so grateful for the open adopti...this post makes me so grateful for the open adoptions that we have with the birth parents of our boys.<BR/><BR/>they are still a part of their sons' stories. they don't wonder. <BR/><BR/>god bless those brave birth mothers and an extra blessing for those birth parents who placed before adoptions were open. i don't know how that was done. it's so very different now. so open. so hopeful. so healing to everyone in the triad.<BR/><BR/>thanks for this post.EasyBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14858839664541846772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-31204943743568848552009-04-04T02:15:00.000-04:002009-04-04T02:15:00.000-04:00I have a son out there somewhere who turned 39 las...I have a son out there somewhere who turned 39 last month. There has not been a day in 39 years that I have not thought of him, and wondered where he might be, how he might be doing. <BR/><BR/>I want to search for him, but I don't. I want to know him, but I would also be embarassed for him to know the family who would not allow me to keep him.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11731276173410889180noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-43383711615402934392009-04-02T21:45:00.000-04:002009-04-02T21:45:00.000-04:00Your post has haunted me for a week. I've been th...Your post has haunted me for a week. I've been there, am there. My mother died a little over 10 years ago at the age of 47. Two years after she died I found out about the baby boy that she gave up for adoption when she was 16, the same age I was when I had an abortion. I wish I could have talked to her about her decision. I have some idea how much that choice must have haunted that poor, young, Catholic girl. I wish I could ask her, "If abortion had been legal at that time, would your choice have been different? Would your regret be different?" Now, I am married to a man adopted by his parents at the 3 months of age. I thank God every day for the choice that his mother made.GabbyGailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-79042153776392525392009-04-02T16:57:00.000-04:002009-04-02T16:57:00.000-04:00Fantastic and thought-provoking post!I remember my...Fantastic and thought-provoking post!<BR/><BR/>I remember my best friend from HS saying she was glad abortion was legal, because even though she was unplanned, she knew she wasn't unwanted.<BR/><BR/>My "SiL" [sweetie's brother's wife] is pro-life and said she loved [the fetus that became] her son from the moment her heard his heartbeat.<BR/>She was a bit surprised when I told her that I thought spirits pick their parents.<BR/><BR/>There are also so many stillborns, and infants who die - maybe that is the experience they chose this time around. Maybe they needed to have that experience, maybe the parent needed to have that experience.<BR/><BR/>Easy for me to say, having never been pregnant, but that is my take on buffet-style spirituality. ;p<BR/><BR/>Again, wonderful post.Al_Palhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10260615221471924302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-55813395424647239682009-03-31T23:41:00.000-04:002009-03-31T23:41:00.000-04:00This post was courageous and raw. Thank you for it...This post was courageous and raw. Thank you for it. All of it hard to speak of. Especially for those of us sharing similar stories.<BR/><BR/>Congrats on being BlogHer of the week. So deserving!JCKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04582581376724478366noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-79815021890941460092009-03-31T20:38:00.000-04:002009-03-31T20:38:00.000-04:00SK - nobody ever told me that abortion was good. T...SK - nobody ever told me that abortion was good. There was nothing seductive about it. It was a bleak option set against what I thought were impossible options. <BR/><BR/>I knew that it would be hard to live with. I did it anyway. And I was right.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-23328374328584869462009-03-31T18:54:00.000-04:002009-03-31T18:54:00.000-04:00And that is what I dislike most about the seductio...And that is what I dislike most about the seduction of abortion.<BR/><BR/>Abortion is just like any other quick-fix that sounds too good to be true. It IS too good to be true. One cannot abort a baby, then go on as if it never happened.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61448681360253921352009-03-31T13:42:00.000-04:002009-03-31T13:42:00.000-04:00My heart is heavy from your post. Amazing. True. I...My heart is heavy from your post. Amazing. True. I know the feeling you speak of, the hurt. I have one of my own. Maybe, you just might have inspired me to talk about my experiences, but I can't promise it will make it off of my notebook pages and into type. I'm scared that I can't express it as good as you. There aren't many words to express an experience like that, but yet you did it so well.<BR/><BR/>Thank you. Thank you.<BR/><BR/>KatKathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17634437675434992781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-82727217485446204432009-03-31T13:24:00.000-04:002009-03-31T13:24:00.000-04:00I am the child of the serial breeder, the neglectf...I am the child of the serial breeder, the neglectful mother who kept us all. Four children by different fathers, none of us wanted. We are all girls. It has not been an easy life, but three of us have managed to salvage happiness, two of us are even proud happy parents. But it's because we did have the choice to terminate pregnancies we weren't ready for. All of us were pregnant as teenagers, and because we had choice, the cycle of unwanted children did not continue. I feel very strongly that abortion is a painful yet necessary option. All birth control, especially birth control that *prevents* abortion, should be widely and readily available.<BR/><BR/>I thought I'd add yet another perspective to the discussion.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your brave post!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5428658558512915702009-03-31T11:23:00.000-04:002009-03-31T11:23:00.000-04:00Thank you for this post. I sometimes wonder what d...Thank you for this post. I sometimes wonder what did/does go through the mind of my birth mother. Although statistically speaking I'm more than likely not him, tell your mom it's okay, I've had a great life. Hopefully that will make her smile at least for a moment.Stevehttp://www.ultimatesteve.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-31194970854189387362009-03-31T10:25:00.000-04:002009-03-31T10:25:00.000-04:00Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting to wor...Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting to words what has been in my heart, soul, body and mind for many years.<BR/><BR/><I>"Which is not to say, of course, that we don't consider the question. I've been considering the question - of whether or not I'm sorry, of whether or not I should be sorry, of whether or not sorry matters - since I first set foot in that abortion clinic. I have agonized over this. As I've explained in these virtual pages before, I can't say that I regret having had an abortion, but I also can't say that I don't. It's complicated. Its complicatedness sometimes hurts my heart. Which is precisely why people talk about the emotional consequences of abortion. Because many women find, like I did, that their hearts hurt. Because many women struggle to figure out how to reconcile the complicated tension between regret and not-regret and find that they're unable, and because many women do so while bearing their children, their wanted children, in arms.<BR/><BR/>But that struggle - that is, my personal experience of that struggle - is one that can, most of the time, be compartmentalized, tucked away on some back shelf of the psyche and forgotten until some event - pregnancy, say, or miscarriage, or one's own mother's admission of having given one's brother up for adoption - prompts one to go rummaging around on the shelves of Buried Hurts and Ambivalent Regrets and Things That I'd Rather Not Think About Unless My Sanity And/Or Moral Stability Depends Upon It."</I><BR/><BR/><I>(And yet. Even as I say that - "I did not have a child; I had a pregnancy" - I want to take it back. I'm a mother. I've had a very early term miscarriage. I very nearly lost Emilia to miscarriage. I know the terror of losing or fearing to lose that embryo, that not-quite-fetus, that not-child who is loved none the less for his or her unformedness. I would never have said - could never have said - of the embryo-that-became-Emilia, this is just a pregnancy, there is no child here. For even though she was not yet child, she was the cellular embodiment of my wish that she become a child, that she become my child. In the absence of that wish... is it just cells that remain? I don't know. I do not know. I have not yet sorted this out. It is painful, trying to sort this out, this which might be, simply, unsortable. All I know is that these experiences are different, despite their similarities, and that I remain firmly committed to the rightness of having the ability - the choice - to distinguish between them. Ah, me.)</I><BR/><BR/><BR/>Thank you, Catherine. This is a keeper for me and my journal.<BR/><BR/>Namasté.<BR/>MitziMitzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12656575663691784770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-58426799879063955482009-03-31T00:00:00.000-04:002009-03-31T00:00:00.000-04:00This was a very amazing post. Thank you for your h...This was a very amazing post. Thank you for your honesty and your transparency. I must admit that I am pro-life, and my best friend was almost aborted by her mom. Her mom has always carried a measure of guilt even knowing that she sat in a doctor's office and almost killed her daughter. Their relationship has gone through many trials b/c of the mother's guilt. My friend is an awesome person....I'm so glad her mom wasn't able to go through with it and she's here with me now.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02415638543648865249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-82342907976510505972009-03-30T23:22:00.000-04:002009-03-30T23:22:00.000-04:00Catherine, you so often demonstrate your gift for ...Catherine, you so often demonstrate your gift for articulating what many women feel, and have not yet been able to articulate themselves. Truly, that is remarkable. <BR/><BR/>I stand on the "other side" of this issue, as a pro-lifer, but I'll tell you that I hear you, and I respect your wrestling with this and your courage to share it. I wish you much grace and peace.Shannonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06484177007795693660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-31019109943826105542009-03-30T11:41:00.000-04:002009-03-30T11:41:00.000-04:00Abortion is not "selfish". On the contrary, selfis...Abortion is not "selfish". On the contrary, selfish would be not to consider the feelings of a child who has to live with having been given away to strangers - or the child who is brought into the world unwanted by unready parents. As women we need to embrace and celebrate the fact that we are able to chose this option legally. More of us have done it than those who speak of it openly. Becoming stronger, more educated, and more capable women before we bring children into the world is not selfish. It impacts our own lives, but also generations to come.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61792732399289032042009-03-30T10:00:00.000-04:002009-03-30T10:00:00.000-04:00Wanted to let you know that Lisa, Jory and I were ...Wanted to let you know that Lisa, Jory and I were blown away by this post (and the post from Shakesville that you reference above). Those two posts (and all the amazing conversation to flow out of them) are this week's BlogHer of the Week:<BR/>http://www.blogher.com/blogher-week-our-first-double-header-her-bad-mother-and-shaker-anonymous<BR/><BR/>Thank you for sharing your story.ElisaChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06089769928274740436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-17541800709486706052009-03-30T08:40:00.000-04:002009-03-30T08:40:00.000-04:00Thank you for sharing your story. It was so power...Thank you for sharing your story. It was so powerful.SWMamahttp://adjustmentdisorder.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-91112723419865072962009-03-29T19:23:00.000-04:002009-03-29T19:23:00.000-04:00This is the most thought provoking and haunting en...This is the most thought provoking and haunting entry I have read on any blog anywhere.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.Another Suburban Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16120153702254735445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-41171821638114759912009-03-29T15:08:00.000-04:002009-03-29T15:08:00.000-04:00I'm going to come at this subject from the opposit...I'm going to come at this subject from the opposite angle. I've never had an abortion, I've always been pro-choice, my parents put my sister up for adoption when she was born, my mother had a lot of abortions and I've had a substantial amount of miscarriages. <BR/><BR/>I'm pro-choice, but abortion is something that I will never choose.<BR/><BR/>What does that mean? For me, choosing to have a baby when the first through fifth pee sticks showed double lines was completely selfish. <BR/><BR/>After my 8th accidental (I'm unwaveringly fertile. Seriously, doubling up on birth control still let one past.) pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage, I was told that being a mother was a pipe dream.<BR/><BR/>I did what any other normal wreck of a human being would do: bought some fake boobs and ended my relationships after I had a nervous breakdown.<BR/><BR/>Then, we came back together as friends, more than, and I got pregnant with my daughter. We weren't planning on being together, we weren't interested in getting married. Yet, it never, for a moment, occurred to me to have an abortion. Even when her father was badgering me toward it, even when my father told me to, even when I was on bed rest and suicidal. <BR/><BR/>I was completely selfish to choose <B>not</B> to have one. I wasn't ready to be a mom, I wasn't financially secure, my daughter's first year was filled with my PPD and sometimes violent fights with her father (our re-unified relationship ended before her 1st birthday). <BR/><BR/>Not only that, but given my familial history, own issues, her father's? Having a child could be considered by some (like it was, my father) to be wrong - the genetic susceptibility that my daughter faces for several mood disorders, conditions and addictions is staggering. <BR/><BR/>In the face of all of that, I don't regret having her. Bringing her up in a tiny one-bedroom apartment on little money. Even if there have been days when I've thought "I cannot handle this. I can't do it. What the fuck is wrong with me?"<BR/><BR/>Even still, her being the love of my life, I see having her, keeping her as completely selfish. I didn't have her because I thought I would be a good mother, raise a happy child and improve upon the planet. I had her simply because I was told I wouldn't be able to have a child, and then, I could, maybe. <BR/><BR/>When I got pregnant again last spring, before I went on to have a nearly-fatal miscarriage, it was the exact same scenario and same decision. If it happened again? I doubt I'd choose differently.<BR/><BR/>I think...from reading a lot of the comments here, people who've been there, debated selfish vs un, I can see something that I don't have - growth. Those of you that made the choice to have an abortion, whether you consider(ed) it selfish or not, have grown from it.<BR/><BR/>(sorry for the novel, Catherine)Zoeyjanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03950221418031765810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-36351732450363819082009-03-29T11:22:00.000-04:002009-03-29T11:22:00.000-04:00There are so many things I want to say but can't f...There are so many things I want to say but can't find the words. This is a wonderful post and touches very deeply.<BR/>My husband is adopted. I know how much adoption enriches lives.<BR/>We chose to have an abortion 12 years ago for many reasons, of which I'm not cataloging. It was a hard decision considering how adoption affected our lives.<BR/>I don't regret this choice, maybe one more mine than his, but there are heart hurting emotions still inside each of us. We hold them together and know we're stronger for the decision. <BR/>I also know that we would not have gotten pregnant again 2 years after, had we not made that choice, and have this beautiful wonderful child now. And how could I possibly want to change the course of events that brought her to us?Catooteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18243965613106099628noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-50635663697718771762009-03-29T02:19:00.000-04:002009-03-29T02:19:00.000-04:00I do not find abortion selfish, but in saying that...I do not find abortion selfish, but in saying that, I do not dispute your feelings and why you feel it is selfish.<BR/><BR/>There are many, many reasons why a woman chooses to terminate her pregnancy, and I think I've heard just about all of them. I've watched their faces, seen them weep, walk out of that clinic with deep grief in their hearts. To me, and many would dispute the way I feel, I think that the women/girls who terminate their pregnancies are thinking more about their babies than the serial breeders who get knocked up annually and have a brood of neglected children.<BR/><BR/>But these are just my views.Anjahttp://ratinacage.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com