tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post8745618561107295248..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: The Amazing Survivor Race Challenge: Parenting EditionHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-22832733097753505822009-03-01T09:27:00.000-05:002009-03-01T09:27:00.000-05:00Good Heavens- YOU ARE ME. Well, me if I could stri...Good Heavens- YOU ARE ME. Well, me if I could string together enough coherent and well-thought-out sentences to create a post this perfect.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for saying what so many of us can't!MrsEmbershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06449087799858570731noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-19062554967440708302009-02-23T16:14:00.000-05:002009-02-23T16:14:00.000-05:00I hate kissing ass, but I'm afraid that's all I ha...I hate kissing ass, but I'm afraid that's all I have to do here. I couldn't have said this better and I have sorely wanted to verbalize exactly this. We decided to have only one child and while it is an adventure, I feel I am in the same place that you are. It is so, so much harder than I ever could have imagined. Do you ever feel that this is a sign of OUR times? Previous generations not being exposed to the idea that we don't just nurture but that we PARENT (make sure to raise unspoiled, happy, smart, engaged people). I don't want to write a novella, but it is something I think about a lot.<BR/><BR/>While I have yet to read the other comments, I did want to praise you again for some of your wonderfully thought provoking posts on this topic. They have truly resonated with me and I appreciate your honesty.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17802570053587669178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-15786413197887446112009-02-20T14:56:00.000-05:002009-02-20T14:56:00.000-05:00Miss Tessmacher and I just had this experience yes...Miss Tessmacher and I just had this experience yesterday morning, when Roslyn was on her umpteenth day of feeling crummy and out of sorts because of incoming molars and outgoing ear infections. First we sniped at The Rozzle, then we quickly switched gears and started sniping at each other. On our way to work - a wonderful semester long panacea - we apologized sincerely and admitted that razzing each other in classic passive/aggressive mode was no solution for the exhaustion and frustration we both felt. And in that moment, we were allies once again.<BR/><BR/>If your hubby is everything you say he is, trust me: he will never pause for a second before carrying you, he will always give you the last coconut (even as his own ribs poke holes through his grass shirt), and he will never, ever resent you for it.<BR/><BR/>;-)Animalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14011608269211715910noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-76892115436223426332009-02-20T01:16:00.000-05:002009-02-20T01:16:00.000-05:00What a great post. We're only on our first child, ...What a great post. We're only on our first child, but I have already felt that resentment. That I'm doing it all and that he gets it easy. And then he gets frustrated because I'm mad with him and he feels like he's doing enough... it's hard.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-12460506522112131532009-02-19T22:20:00.000-05:002009-02-19T22:20:00.000-05:00Hello,I want to thank Elizabeth 9:14 for sharing h...Hello,<BR/>I want to thank Elizabeth 9:14 for sharing her perspective in having tooooo much to do in a 24 hour day. That really is the problem isn't it? I wouldn't mind any of this if there were more hours in the day to truly rest i.e get an 8 hour shift of sleep in. Then I wouldn't even mind the work of parenting. I am the one with the three kids under the age 3 years, two and a half months. My hubs works 80+ hours a week. HE is a new GP, who is trying to set up a practice. He leaves us all in the middle of the night to deliver someone else's baby. Every one thinks I am so lucky and it must be easy, must be nice to be a doctor's wife. But my life is hard too. We all need to replenish our energy or we are no good for anyone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-562983019300610042009-02-19T13:36:00.000-05:002009-02-19T13:36:00.000-05:00My husband and I have one easy going 2-year-old an...My husband and I have one easy going 2-year-old and are contemplating having another. In my heart of hearts, I know that one is enough for me. However, everyone keeps telling me that my son needs a sibling. I'm so very torn about this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5983888207210379532009-02-19T12:50:00.000-05:002009-02-19T12:50:00.000-05:00It took me a little while to really condense my th...It took me a little while to really condense my thoughts on this, and they're still long and rambling, but here it goes.<BR/><BR/>I can never imagine turning on Mike, or him turning on me. Not as our past selves, or our present ones, or anyone I can imagine us being in the future. Whatever the jobs, one kid or ten, the idea that we'd turn on each other just seems impossible. Even ludicrous.<BR/><BR/>We argue, nuts, we fight all the time. Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, life in general is hard, and we're both pigheaded individuals. So we fight, but they're usually flashes in the pan. It's rare that there's any lasting resentment between us. Having a kid just is one more thing life, the most <I>important</I>thing, so the resulting fights are an order of magnitude huge-er.<BR/><BR/>Mike adores his son, but won't give him baths (he's not flexible enough to hunker down by the tub), won't feed him dinner unless I ask, forgets to change his diaper again unless I ask. And this drives me up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other side. But he can get the baby to sleep without boobie, and will get up in the middle of the night to put GeekBaby back to sleep to spare my boobs pacifier duty, even when he has to get up at 4:45 am to leave by 5:30 for his hour long drive to the soul sucking horror of teaching HS spanish.<BR/><BR/>It's easy to forget this when all I want to do is write a blog post but the baby needs dinner and a bath and then he wants to nurse, and then by the time all this is done it's 8:30 already, and damn it I was at work all day too, why do I have to do all the baby tending when we get home from work? And did I mention the kid practically bit my nipple off last night and it hurts??<BR/><BR/>But while I'm baby wrangling, he's doing the dishes, or the laundry, or picking up, and maybe he's not doing these things to my standards, but he's <I>doing</I> them. And, thank God for small favors, he is not ALSO a baby that needs my constant tending and attention. He's my partner, my coworker, my fellow conspirator. I trust him without thinking about it. Ultimately, he has my back.<BR/><BR/>In turn that trust is supported by our closeness. Baby in tow or not, we spend time together. We talk, banter, pray together, we are noisy and silent together. We try to be open to each other. This is super hard, way harder than parenting in my opinion, because it really makes you vulnerable. With or without kids, it's so easy to get wrapped up and safe in your own little world and then you just drift apart. It's much harder to be open.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-42270324183306006772009-02-19T12:29:00.000-05:002009-02-19T12:29:00.000-05:00catherine you are so hard on yourself sometimes......catherine you are so hard on yourself sometimes...i'm sure we all at times resent our spouses the freedom they have. as for finding time me time spouse time children time its very hard.my children are vastly different in age 18,16,8 & 4.so trying to spend quality time with them is hard and my husband is often in bed before any of children as he has to be up at 3 a.m. so it is very hard to spend any time together.i just keeping telling myself that it will all work out for the best...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-87419857018157310232009-02-19T12:26:00.000-05:002009-02-19T12:26:00.000-05:00THANK YOU for writing this! I've been feeling alo...THANK YOU for writing this! I've been feeling alone in my parenting/marriage/me-time struggles, like there is something wrong with me and I can't handle it as well as other moms.<BR/><BR/>I'm going to print this and share it with my mom's group tomorrow. I know every woman there will be able to relate!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-74842766494733049362009-02-19T12:21:00.000-05:002009-02-19T12:21:00.000-05:00It really is the age, not the number. My sister's ...It really is the age, not the number. My sister's fourth and fifth kids (twin boys) are now almost five, and her marriage is going through a renaissance. She feels freed from the constraints of babyhood, and she and husband are cooing over each other, in love like college kids. My fourth baby is only 5 months old, and we have a long way to go till babyhood is over. But it matters a lot that I can trust him to be committed to me until this gets easier. And he remembers single life well enough to choose even a tired and cranky wife over no wife at all.Sharon L. Hollandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06387774344892567897noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-83827478022089156262009-02-19T11:27:00.000-05:002009-02-19T11:27:00.000-05:00or rather... that easy. :)or rather... that easy. :)Steph(anie)https://www.blogger.com/profile/01345590378662641435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-13755808826362860442009-02-19T11:26:00.000-05:002009-02-19T11:26:00.000-05:00My favorite quote ever about parenthood came from ...My favorite quote ever about parenthood came from a movie, and was something like: As hard as you think it is going to be, you end up wishing it were that easing.Steph(anie)https://www.blogger.com/profile/01345590378662641435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-69721872686424185632009-02-19T08:39:00.000-05:002009-02-19T08:39:00.000-05:00I kinda wanted to comment on the post right after ...I kinda wanted to comment on the post right after this- I get you. I understand. And lately I am in a dark period (I've not gotten much sleep this week and have thought about you and am hoping you're finally getting some) and so it is actually refreshing to see someone else write those things that we are all feeling. Sometimes we need the dark to see that there is a light!<BR/><BR/>That's all.<BR/><BR/>StephStephanie Wilson she/her @babystephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02703122439142892617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-89810533313973316342009-02-19T01:35:00.000-05:002009-02-19T01:35:00.000-05:00I think as many different types of personalities a...I think as many different types of personalities and people there are in this world, that's how many different perspectives on being a mother there are. I hear so many say "This is so hard" and that is not my experience at all. But so what? We don't have to convince each other that we are right and they are wrong or too negative. It is what it is! Everyone is allowed their own opinion, their own experience. Being a mother is the EASIEST thing I have ever done- and my life has NOT been easy. If someone else's experience is different, I respect that....and ask if there is anything I can do to help. I directed a child care center for 17 years and that was my favorite part- helping other parents who may have been struggling at times. Peace and hope for all of us!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-15385331505956056712009-02-18T21:16:00.000-05:002009-02-18T21:16:00.000-05:00Annonymous 2:05, you should have followed your own...Annonymous 2:05, you should have followed your own advice "They say that if you dont like a particular blog or a bloggers style the simple solution is to just stop reading". But, not, you chose instead to drop your bomb. Shame on you, really. This shit is hard enough without having to deal with that oh so common judgement that talking about how difficult something is is unwelcome or wrong. Next time just stop reading, we won't miss you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-19220867677350698262009-02-18T21:15:00.000-05:002009-02-18T21:15:00.000-05:00I'm anonymous at 6:07, btw. I have no idea why it ...I'm anonymous at 6:07, btw. I have no idea why it put my name this time, I don't have a blog . . . hope I wasn't sleep-blogging!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02798424282365084311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70940238650470162412009-02-18T21:13:00.000-05:002009-02-18T21:13:00.000-05:00HBM-thanks for answering! It sounds like the hold-...HBM-thanks for answering! It sounds like the hold-up on more help is financial in origin, which is in equal measures understandable and completely frustrating. I must say that I would be sticking my neck out wayyy too far if I tried to give you any advice (therefore I won't), but you do have my sympathy.<BR/><BR/>Though I am not a mother/wife, I am a med student and a girlfriend (to another med student). Often we spend upwards of 80 hrs/week working in the hospital and then are expected to study at home, all the while being judged on every move we make. This life is exhausting and anxiety provoking (and sex-life killing). Many of my classmates (myself included) yo-yo in weight due to the stress and look worse for the wear after 4 years of this. Many of us are clinically depressed.<BR/>I write all of this to say that I neglect my relationship too because school takes up my time, physical energy and emotional energy. Just today, before I read this post, I was thinking that I would like to go on vacation to reconnect with my boyfriend, but that I would like to go by myself for a few days so that I could get to my happy place before he and I got back to ours.<BR/><BR/>So, I can relate to a feeling of loss of control of your own time and needing to reclaim it before sharing it with someone else. I don't have the money to go on vacation either, but I'm thinking that somehow I should try to go anyway.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for the great post.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02798424282365084311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-64975554466291459472009-02-18T21:07:00.000-05:002009-02-18T21:07:00.000-05:00Wow. Your post brings back so many memories and v...Wow. Your post brings back so many memories and visceral feelings that have (thankfully) ebbed away from my life. You are right to wonder and worry about all of this - it's complicated and deep and worthy of discussion, no matter what you might hear from people who don't want to think about stuff. <BR/><BR/>I went through this same "Daily-grind-with-small-children" phase 5 years ago, and I wish there had been more women writing blogs that I could have related to. It was <I>so dammed hard</I>, and your description of the process of having multiple kids is spot on.<BR/><BR/>I spent any lucid time I had thinking things like, "Aaaargh! EVERYBODY STOP TOUCHING ME! How come nobody warned me how sensual this would be?!? I'm so damn physically overstimulated that I don't want to have sex until the kids are in college!" <BR/><BR/>It's small comfort, but if you can gut your way through the early years, it really <I>does</I> get easier. Is there any way you could up your mother's helper hours? Maybe barter with some grad students who need critiquing or editing? Find a 14 year old who would work cheap during the witching hours each evening? I say this because I was very lucky to be financially able to afford part-time daycare, and I am so grateful, because it saved my sanity... and bolstered my marriage as well. <BR/><BR/>(Speaking of which, in the TMI department, I also highly recommend occasionally yanking your husband into the bathroom, locking the door, and giving him a quick blow job. Doing this changes your perspective from "resentful" to "bountiful" and his from "resentful" to "I am married to a superhuman goddess.") <BR/><BR/>And last, but not least? Could I please get some info on the kick-ass course in "Analogy Writing 101" that you and Mr. Lady have obviously taken? ;)Velmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06425566563311066790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-16070132336654506042009-02-18T20:33:00.000-05:002009-02-18T20:33:00.000-05:00HBM, THANK YOU once again for putting into words t...HBM, THANK YOU once again for putting into words these simple truths such as "parenting is hard and it's okay to say so". God, why has it been so hard to say so. Why is one made to feel like such a loser because they think parenting is hard!!! It doesn't make you a bad or weak person because you are having a difficult time managing it all. Did I mention running the household as well? And, by parenting I don't mean just all the shopping, cooking, feeding, cleaning up, laundry, bathing, taking to the dentist, remembering the vaccinations, figuring out the disintegrating moods from true illness (is the little person sick, and if so is it just the cold or flu, or do we need to go to the hospital). Parenting is hard and the consequence of that is that it has an affect on the spousal relationship. I think you are fabulous. Thank you for being willing to put into words the realities of the world. I knew having 3 babies in 3 years, two and a half months, was hard. The husband works 80 hours a week. The grandparents, both sets, and all the aunties and uncles lived on another continent. It is hard. The mother was not a bad person because she doesn't always handle it well, because she doesn't always feel like handling. You continue to do it because they are here, and they are yours, and you love them. But dammit, how do you keep track of your spousal relationship along with all this other hard work when you are exhausted all the time? I am sorry for saying this but...I think if the husband stayed home for one week with the three of them (ages 3 year, two and half months, age 23 months and newborn) and the wife disappeared for 80 hours a week, he would get it. He might work 80 hours a week but she work 168..always on! It is all consuming. I love those little people. I want to do right by them. I love my husband. But, if he even looks like he is irritated with me because three kids are screaming at once and the pasta is boiling over and my hair is sticking out all over the place, it is pretty darn hard for me to rise above it and be the better person and win for the couple and all that jazz. If he looks irritated with me I will resent him in that moment and that is when it starts to spiral down hill. I need to pause in that moment and not assume he is irritated with me. I need to offer him a kind tone so that he can in turn offer me a kind tone so that it spirals up hill. I know what I need to do...it is just do darn hard when I am so darn exhausted with no me time. And, I have the type of personality that needs me time more than his type of personality does so I think he doesn't get it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-55201826279668059812009-02-18T18:39:00.000-05:002009-02-18T18:39:00.000-05:00ANonymous 6:07 - no apologies for extra long comme...ANonymous 6:07 - no apologies for extra long comments (have you seen the length of my posts? ;))<BR/><BR/>I do what I can to get time for myself, but I'm limited in that Jasper will take nothing but boob - so I can't leave him for much longer than four or five hours here or there. We have a mother's helper to come in once a week so that I can catch up on work (or sleep ;)), and we've talked about hiring a sleep doula, but money is tight right now. So my 'me' time is dictated largely by when my husband is home to take over with the kids - which he does readily, but if he's working long hours, he can't.<BR/><BR/>So, yeah - I do what I can. Every little bit helps. But I'm limited, and that's a tad frustrating.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-63142228097767685902009-02-18T18:07:00.000-05:002009-02-18T18:07:00.000-05:00I am happy to read this post and the replies that ...I am happy to read this post and the replies that follow it, because it reminds me of why i read mommyblogs in the first place. I'm not married, don't have kids. I came from a highly dysfunctional family (and extended family), so I have very little example to go by. I want desperately to have kids one day, but I want to raise them very differently than I was raised, and I like to read about others' experiences.<BR/><BR/>Chief among the things I've gotten from this post and the responses is that one must 1) put the marriage first, for the sake of everyone involved, 2)continue to actively take care of yourself, so as not to resent others for doing the same 3) go with the flow, assume the best of your partner, and allow for give and take.<BR/><BR/>Catherine: I enjoy reading you blog a lot. You are a very analytical, heavy thoughts kind of person. Though it is very much my cup of tea, it's not everyone's, and that's okay. Hopefully that person will find another blog that better resonates with her (with no hard feelings from this reader), and the rest of us will stay right here.<BR/><BR/>Also, I was wondering: Many people continue to recommend you find some time for yourself, and suggested many means of doing it (ie babysitters, etc.). Is this something you have considered or tried? Is there a difficulty in your life that does not allow you to do this, as at least one commenter above has in her life? I may have missed it somewhere (I do not scrutinize carefully), but mostly I see that you do not respond (at least publicly) to these recommendations. I wonder, if you have not been able to do this, if talking about it here may help you get from A to B.<BR/><BR/>Are you worried the little ones will not be okay without you? Are you having trouble asking for help? Finding help even though you've asked? As I've stated I know next to nothing about this parenting thing, but I do know that sometimes getting to the root of the rate-limiting-step (sorry, the scientist in me) can lead to improvement.<BR/><BR/>Sorry for the extra long post. I blame it on the caffeine.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-83592320110855280792009-02-18T17:38:00.000-05:002009-02-18T17:38:00.000-05:00I feel the EXACT same way. I can't even tell you. ...I feel the EXACT same way. I can't even tell you. EXACT. <BR/><BR/>I have figured out, though -- since a Valentine's date with my husband this weekend -- that, no matter how tired and spent you are, get out with your husband. Because it's rejuvenating. It's escape. Even just going to a movie. In your lulus (I didn't dress up). Does wonders. <BR/><BR/>I have to make a point to do that more....Bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07516203764767040649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-76938993203686325212009-02-18T17:34:00.000-05:002009-02-18T17:34:00.000-05:00I enjoy a little negativity. Oh, except I call it...I enjoy a little negativity. Oh, except I call it reality. Because for me, what you write about is real *right now* and if even one other person is enduring it (let alone 70) then I can take a breath and realize I am probably going to be OK. <BR/><BR/>...and thank you to the people who say it gets better. <BR/><BR/>...and also I recommend massage therapy. The good touching, without sex pressure, AND time alone but not a whole baby's meal time away. Winsies!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-90694367187564115062009-02-18T15:42:00.000-05:002009-02-18T15:42:00.000-05:00"And then I worry us about turning on each other. ..."And then I worry us about turning on each other. I worry about even considering the possibility that we might turn on each other, because once upon a time - in the carefree days before we embarked upon this strange and wonderful and impossibly challenging journey - I would not have imagined for a second that we could turn on each other," <BR/><BR/>I think this is one of the best comments on marriage after children that I've ever read.Mom O Matichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00663817788501199975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-50613640280851365132009-02-18T15:39:00.001-05:002009-02-18T15:39:00.001-05:00I don't know that I'd take anything that you've wr...I don't know that I'd take anything that you've written as negative - it's the truth based in your reality. <BR/><BR/>The joys of writing a blog involve having words posted on the InterWeb. The readers are the ones who ultimately apply the emotion to your words. <BR/><BR/>Life is hard. I can't imagine being a mom on top of everything that I'm dealing with. It's okay to bitch about it. Everyone is aloud to bitch. And seeing that it's your blog - I think you out of everyone should express your opinions because we want to hear what you have to say otherwise we wouldn't keep coming back for more. :)Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00644756255179564555noreply@blogger.com