tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post5723107984628124653..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: What's In A Name?Her Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger252125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-56973938384302655102008-10-31T00:18:00.000-04:002008-10-31T00:18:00.000-04:00I hated my (very unusual, hard to pronounce when s...I hated my (very unusual, hard to pronounce when seen, hard to spell when heard) last name and am very happy to be a Miller now.Liz Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09469435277058701080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-60139684179750271722008-10-30T23:15:00.000-04:002008-10-30T23:15:00.000-04:00Wow I just stumbled across your blog and this post...Wow I just stumbled across your blog and this post hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept my name when my husband and I got married, This is my second marriage. When my first marriage ended I put great effort into choosing a name that represented me. It is important to me. <BR/><BR/>Yet I am scared of something like your situation.Fairionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12168703092479677513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-30047578646748196422008-10-25T21:05:00.000-04:002008-10-25T21:05:00.000-04:00Thousand Island Border Guards are total pricks. S...Thousand Island Border Guards are total pricks. Seriously, they're one of the prickiest border locations in Ontario. I work at the Queenston/Lewiston Bridge, so I know a little somethin' somethin' about that statement.<BR/>I passed through the 1000's 2 summers ago and they gave me EXACTLY the same hassle. And my kids were almost teenagers then and able to tell the damned guy that I was their Mother....and he STILL wanted to know if their father knew where they were.Sherendipityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15741942385232109853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-20216238944567744172008-10-23T00:31:00.000-04:002008-10-23T00:31:00.000-04:00Now you're got me really thinking about this issue...Now you're got me really thinking about this issue, Catherine. I kept my name, and Cordy and Mira have their dad's last name. I never thought about traveling without Aaron and dealing with the different names. <BR/><BR/>In my case, their passports have their full names on them, so it might not be a problem. Both girls have two middle names, with their second middle name being my maiden name. (I did that to give them a chance to use my family name with their own, if they wanted to when they're older.) I would hope that would be enough to convince a border guard that we're related. <BR/><BR/>Someday I may give in and change my name, but I really kinda like it. It's part of who I am.Christinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07345875955750219033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-86891795081396030742008-10-22T21:19:00.002-04:002008-10-22T21:19:00.002-04:00My maiden name is Lelivelt (say it like you're hoo...My maiden name is Lelivelt (say it like you're hooked on phoenics). We had a song about it, there is a castle somewhere in the Netherlands that bears it's name. It was always a unique part of me. A way that I was so unlike anyone else that I knew. If there was another Lelivelt, I was related to them, and could show you how.<BR/><BR/>That being said, it was always a pain in the ass to recite it over the phone. To have it called in a waiting room. Or a major auditorium during a graduation. <BR/><BR/>Though I loved the uniqueness, I changed it. Thought that it would be easier. The Husband liked it. Now I have to spell out each and every 'n' and 'm'. Still a pain in the ass. Though shorter, I will admit. <BR/><BR/>In the end, I am glad that I did it, would do it again, and don't regret removing the Lelivelt. It is always a part of me. Though now when I get called out in a waiting room, it is rare that they get it wrong. And for a last name, Inman is better that Lullabye. <BR/><BR/>(No joke. Happened ALL. THE. TIME.)Cook My Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02228980741426965623noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-34200676917264626022008-10-22T21:19:00.001-04:002008-10-22T21:19:00.001-04:00My maiden name is Lelivelt (say it like you're hoo...My maiden name is Lelivelt (say it like you're hooked on phoenics). We had a song about it, there is a castle somewhere in the Netherlands that bears it's name. It was always a unique part of me. A way that I was so unlike anyone else that I knew. If there was another Lelivelt, I was related to them, and could show you how.<BR/><BR/>That being said, it was always a pain in the ass to recite it over the phone. To have it called in a waiting room. Or a major auditorium during a graduation. <BR/><BR/>Though I loved the uniqueness, I changed it. Thought that it would be easier. The Husband liked it. Now I have to spell out each and every 'n' and 'm'. Still a pain in the ass. Though shorter, I will admit. <BR/><BR/>In the end, I am glad that I did it, would do it again, and don't regret removing the Lelivelt. It is always a part of me. Though now when I get called out in a waiting room, it is rare that they get it wrong. And for a last name, Inman is better that Lullabye. <BR/><BR/>(No joke. Happened ALL. THE. TIME.)Cook My Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02228980741426965623noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53206549805159978372008-10-22T21:19:00.000-04:002008-10-22T21:19:00.000-04:00My maiden name is Lelivelt (say it like you're hoo...My maiden name is Lelivelt (say it like you're hooked on phoenics). We had a song about it, there is a castle somewhere in the Netherlands that bears it's name. It was always a unique part of me. A way that I was so unlike anyone else that I knew. If there was another Lelivelt, I was related to them, and could show you how.<BR/><BR/>That being said, it was always a pain in the ass to recite it over the phone. To have it called in a waiting room. Or a major auditorium during a graduation. <BR/><BR/>Though I loved the uniqueness, I changed it. Thought that it would be easier. The Husband liked it. Now I have to spell out each and every 'n' and 'm'. Still a pain in the ass. Though shorter, I will admit. <BR/><BR/>In the end, I am glad that I did it, would do it again, and don't regret removing the Lelivelt. It is always a part of me. Though now when I get called out in a waiting room, it is rare that they get it wrong. And for a last name, Inman is better that Lullabye. <BR/><BR/>(No joke. Happened ALL. THE. TIME.)Cook My Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02228980741426965623noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1316090623327422632008-10-22T16:51:00.000-04:002008-10-22T16:51:00.000-04:00I am really moved by this post. My daughter is 3 a...I am really moved by this post. My daughter is 3 and very aware of her last name, even the cat gets proudly called by this last name. A name I do not share, just like you I never took my husband's name. I married when I was 38 and my name is very much a part of me and all my history. I wasn't bothered over it at all until recently when my daughter started proudly pulling us together under the family name. I feel your dilemma and am struggling with the same thing. In the end, I know I probably won't change my name for all the practical and emotional reasons I haven't done so yet.<BR/><BR/>But now I know it comes with a price. If it starts to get too steep, I can always change it later on. It's not like there is an expiration date on these types of things. Good luck with your decision, however it goes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-27527599440921060522008-10-22T15:08:00.000-04:002008-10-22T15:08:00.000-04:00i took my husband's name. i didn't really even thi...i took my husband's name. i didn't really even think about it. his name is nicer. hahah.Alihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11127692699186571544noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-43670089166593831202008-10-22T15:00:00.000-04:002008-10-22T15:00:00.000-04:00I took my husband's name and took my maiden name a...I took my husband's name and took my maiden name as my middle name. We also named our daughter my maiden name, so it all averages out for us.Staceyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04479989870980718086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70329501599142005252008-10-22T13:12:00.000-04:002008-10-22T13:12:00.000-04:00I took my husband's name and moved my maiden name ...I took my husband's name and moved my maiden name to the middle. Then dropped my former middle name. This was very, VERY hard because my former middle name "Courtney" IS a family name, my mother's own maiden name. However, as a CPA and former professional going by the moniker "Kelli Oliver George" has allowed me to keep some of my identity but also gives me the flexibility to just go by "Kelli George" when it is simpler (like at my son's school). It was really, really important to me to have the same last name as my children. My parents are divorced and I HATED it when my mom changed her last name. <BR/><BR/>Also? I was marrying a guy a from India and feared that if our kids did not look like me, that it could be a problem if our names were different. Much like you encountered at the border.<BR/><BR/>Interestingly, my husband did not care either way. George is his father's FIRST name (some Indians, particularly Catholics go by that method), so there is no "family" thing going on there. Furthermore, all the Indian gals I know kept their maiden names simply because they did not want to mess with their passports, visas and other important docs after marriage.Cagey (Kelli Oliver George)https://www.blogger.com/profile/13691589813815058981noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53617859957500400012008-10-22T12:34:00.000-04:002008-10-22T12:34:00.000-04:00I took Sean's last name without qualm. I was, at t...I took Sean's last name without qualm. I was, at the time, estranged from my dad, but that wasn't the motivator. I realized as our wedding day drew closer that I wanted that, wanted to mark the next chapter of my life. I suppose I also wanted to avoid the issues my mom had after divorcing my dad of having a different last name from her kids. I completely relate to both sides and found myself seething and feeling a suffocating weight on my chest imagining how you must have felt.trampoline designhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01905547550479889165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-11788337529539742842008-10-22T10:23:00.000-04:002008-10-22T10:23:00.000-04:00my DH and I were getting married in the Catholic c...my DH and I were getting married in the Catholic church, and we had to attend something called Engaged Encounters, basically a retreat for couples getting married in the church.<BR/><BR/>I was well known by my "maiden" name (hate that term) in my city, as a writer and poet. I was reluctant to change for that reason -- and other reasons cited here by others reluctant to change.<BR/><BR/>But my husband-to-be was very traditional, and came from a traditional family, and it was very important to him. In the middle of our EE weekend, I took him aside.<BR/><BR/>"I've decided I would like to take your last name," I told him. He lit up like the Rockerfeller Christmas tree. That right there made it worth it. It was the best gift (aside from our children) that I ever gave him.<BR/><BR/>I still use my dad's name; changed my middle name, and I use it professionally and in by-lines and the like. As far as I am concerned, we both win. If we ever have another boy, I would like to use it as his first or middle name.<BR/><BR/>ciao,<BR/>rpmAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-88047719132138466852008-10-22T00:31:00.000-04:002008-10-22T00:31:00.000-04:00It's customary in the Netherlands to hyphenate the...It's customary in the Netherlands to hyphenate the names and place the husbands name first followed by the wife's surname, so that is still always her last name, On all legal papers, she is identified by her maiden name and never by her husband's name, unless it is in the hyphenated form with her surname last. A Dutch woman doesn't stop having her identity so much. She is never referred to as Mrs John Somebody. When we speak of a married couple, we say John and Mary His last name-Her last name.Irenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05043376053971475659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-4015670107153142992008-10-21T18:29:00.000-04:002008-10-21T18:29:00.000-04:00I changed my name. It didn't matter to me whether...I changed my name. It didn't matter to me whether it was mine or his... Although it did matter to him. So I took his. My point was, though, that I wanted it to be the same. When we married, he and I, we created our own little family - and I wanted that sameness. I've never regretted it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-3922969840496095052008-10-21T18:03:00.000-04:002008-10-21T18:03:00.000-04:00My mum changed her name when she married my dad, a...My mum changed her name when she married my dad, and then when I was about 7, she changed it back. Back in those days, when I came to school with a cheque from mum to pay for an excursion, the office ladies treated me like I was from a broken home. <BR/><BR/>So my name never really felt like a "family" name - and I got on better with my mums extended family better than my dads.<BR/><BR/>So when it came to making the decision about changing my name, I decided to move forward to a new family name, rather than dwelling on the patriarchy.<BR/><BR/>Strangely, the only person who gave me any crap about changing my name was my mother.Larahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02360034185798990926noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-37981532059232684162008-10-21T13:56:00.000-04:002008-10-21T13:56:00.000-04:00I kept my own name, and I'm alright with that. My...I kept my own name, and I'm alright with that. My daughter (5) knows my last name, and she knows that it is different from the name that she and her brother and their daddy share. As far as I'm concerned, my children are a part of my body, and of my heart, and of my soul, and I don't need to change my name to prove that I am a part of them. That said, the day my MIL said (and I quote) "You're a Carruthers, and Daddy is a Carruthers, and I am a Carruthers, but your MOMMY is not - she's not one of US" I just about punched her in the teeth. But then, my MIL is 5 years of therapy I can't afford....Badness Joneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05660823596302637985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-18529548183091591042008-10-21T09:10:00.000-04:002008-10-21T09:10:00.000-04:00I changed my name to my husbands, even though I lo...I changed my name to my husbands, even though I loved my name and even got compliments on it. Imagine that? Airline employees checking me on on flights would say,"What a great name!" Now I have one that no one can pronounce or spell. But... I use my maiden name professionally; it's now my middle name; and boy #1 has it as his middle name, too. I'm glad we are "the C. family" but I still get the benefit of a professional life with my beloved name.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-49600590102084872682008-10-21T08:44:00.000-04:002008-10-21T08:44:00.000-04:00I kept my name when I married and only changed it ...I kept my name when I married and only changed it when we adopted our son. My thinking at that time was that he'd have enough to deal with being adopted without having just one more thing, a mom with a different last name, to deal with.Trueselfhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04376379968984585345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-80980742240134098262008-10-20T18:19:00.000-04:002008-10-20T18:19:00.000-04:00I'm new to this blog, found it from a link on a si...I'm new to this blog, found it from a link on a site I read regularly. A couple of people on the first page of comments were curious about how kids felt about hyphenated names, so I thought I'd jump in. My father died while my mom was pregnant, before they'd actually had the conversation about which last name to give me, so my mom decided to hyphenate (and to give me the one last name that they'd agreed upon before his untimely demise...a longish "boys name"). When I was in pre-school she got into a relationship with her current partner. I didn't want to make that person feel left out, particularly after they adopted me, so I added on their last name (with my mothers) to school forms. Nobody ever stopped me, and it never occured to my mom that she might want to just pick one of the last names, for legal purposes, and go with it. Now I have three last names that sometimes appear on government documents, one of them I use for school and banking, and a middle name that is a last name in some other countries. Its pretty confusing, because none of my identification cards match up. I am hispanic, and she wanted me to keep my most hispanic sounding name on forms for school. In my wallet I carry various forms of ID with all my various last names on them. I explain my weird last name situation to people a minimum of 5 times a year. <BR/><BR/>When I was very, very, young I decided that should I ever marry I would take the guy's last name, because adding one more last name (or the perception of one more last name...is this mrs. such and so...etc) would just be too much for my poor brain to handle. <BR/><BR/>It probably helps that I'm sort of neutral about my name, I like it because its mine, but other then that, eh. My family isn't super close, and I've never really understood the attachment that people have to their "family name"...unless its something super fun or unusual, or proves that they have important ancestors. <BR/><BR/>I give it another five years before I legally change my last name to something a lot simpler then the concoction that I've got going right now, and see how many of my records I can alter, if I don't get married between now and then (which I probably won't, because I'm 20, and thats a little young for such things). Amusingly enough, I have a serious boyfriend, with an awesome last name, who thinks the idea of women changing their names is unspeakably retro. <BR/><BR/>-firstname middlename momsname-dadsname-stepnameAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-81658293177943843012008-10-20T17:41:00.000-04:002008-10-20T17:41:00.000-04:00I'm so greatful for this post and all of the comme...I'm so greatful for this post and all of the comments. I'm engaged and am one of the most stuborn and independent people in the world. <BR/>I do not want to change my last name.<BR/>I don't like my last name and I have nothing against my soon to be husbands last name, but my name is mine and why doesn't he have to change his name?<BR/><BR/>He was not pleased - at first. He grew up in a very traditional household and had never considered the idea of his wife not having his last name. But after huffing and puffing he finally admitted that he would be conserned if I willingly exchanged names with out a fight.<BR/><BR/>So a few days later he came to me with an extremely excited idea - that we would each change our middle names to each others last names. This idea made even greater because it was his idea! Not only did I not have to fight to keep my name, it's actually something he is thrilled about.<BR/><BR/>But now I wonder if I'm really making the right choice and well...I'll probably keep my last name...it's nice to know that it's not an easy decision to make and I appreciate all of the different takes on this extrememly irrelivant yet immensely important decision.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00503064089781352165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-25974645293288603172008-10-20T17:26:00.000-04:002008-10-20T17:26:00.000-04:00Wow- you got a lot of comments about this!!!So I h...Wow- you got a lot of comments about this!!!<BR/><BR/>So I hyphenated (sp?) my last name after I got married. My husband wasnt happy about it, but I felt that by changing my name, I was changing my identity. When we marry, you dont lose yourself- you gain another part. <BR/><BR/>My daughter's have my husband's name, and mine is legally hyph. At work, I am only known by my maiden name. It works better. It does bother my husband, but I think* that I am whole with my decision.Gemini Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10814946729788376692noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53020169532165142622008-10-20T16:22:00.000-04:002008-10-20T16:22:00.000-04:00Okay, I changed my name, but we have tons of frien...Okay, I changed my name, but we have tons of friends who like us are Canadian-US couples where the wife did NOT change her name. In fact, my husband was sort of appalled that I wanted to. Also my brother's wife has kept her name.<BR/><BR/>The immediate solution, as I understand it, is to take along the birth certificate with your full name and the baby's full name on it. Problem of border guard solved.<BR/><BR/>The longer term issue is more thought provoking, but I would argue you should keep your last name. You are "a Connors" and you like it. When your kids are older, you can explain it, but don't sweat it now. There are tons of families that do this these days - you are not unique and it in no way indicates that you think less of your family or your husband. So remember to bring a copy of the birth certificate and maybe have a conversation with your daughter in a year or two.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-56126950013195587512008-10-20T14:48:00.000-04:002008-10-20T14:48:00.000-04:00I'm a few days late and a couple of dollars short ...I'm a few days late and a couple of dollars short on commenting, but I'll comment anyway. I changed my name when I got married. I was proud to be a ******. <BR/><BR/>I have two boys and I'm sure they'd be fine if I had kept my maiden name, but I wanted to have the same last name because I'm part of this family.<BR/><BR/>Lastly, I do the student phone directory for my son's school, and I can't tell you what a ballbuster it is to keep the kids straight with their mothers because half the moms keep their maiden names. I never know whose child is whose anymore. So spare the future school directory-doer of your children's school and change your name...please!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-83848562721185525962008-10-20T13:42:00.000-04:002008-10-20T13:42:00.000-04:00I decided to keep my name when I got married, my h...I decided to keep my name when I got married, my husband was fine with my decision. We have two kids who legally have both our last names (documents, school records), but they use my husband's last name in day to day life. I have to say that there has been no confusion caused by the fact that my last name is different than theirs, nor does it mean that I am any less committed to my family as some people seem to be suggesting. On the rare occasions that my husband or I have taken the children out of the country without the other parent we always bring a notarized letter from the other parent. I think that it's a personal decision, good luck in making yours!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com