tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post5666758849184329806..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: The Mom in the MirrorHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger102125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-35840833842756710572007-03-26T13:58:00.000-04:002007-03-26T13:58:00.000-04:00I come to this a bit late, but felt the need to co...I come to this a bit late, but felt the need to comment. A number of people have commented about seeing no problem with judging the young mother in this story. Having been, many years ago, very much that mother in the story, I understand all too well how those judgements...spoken or silent....can sting. They can make a person question their own worth, their abilities, their decisions.... especially as a new, young, first-time mother. It seems as if the entire world is filled with women who "know better" and want to make certain that you are aware of it. I was barely 18 and single when my baby was born. My brand-new umbrella stroller was the ONLY baby item that was not borrowed or donated from a charity. As sad as it sounds now ( 23 years later), I was proud of that stupid stroller because it was mine. it was the first thing i bought on my own for my baby, knowing that I would be walking and/ or using public transportation to get anywhere I needed to go. I wanted the best for my baby, and that stroller was the best I could afford. It took she and I to her pediatrician's visits so that I could assure myself that her donated formula was, in fact, nourishing her, to the free public library to read to her, to the local green to expose her to free concerts and art fairs. It took us to the local YWCA for free mommy-n-me classes. It carried her and I around our neighborhood to the local park where we would feed the ducks and watch the older kids play. It gave us a freedom that we might not have had otherwise. it saved my sanity on many days when I was lonely and alone because it gave us a path into the outside world. So yes, it may have been a cheap little umbrella stroller, but to me and my baby, it was a treasure. Had someone judged me based on the stroller, it might have been enough to push me and my daughter back into the recesses of our little apartment. She would have missed out on so many formative experiences.....all because someone felt it was their right to judge me and my decisions.Avalonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12717171111059212946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-35465340994305621552007-03-19T16:40:00.000-04:002007-03-19T16:40:00.000-04:00Holy Mack. I wish I had more time to read everyone...Holy Mack. I wish I had more time to read everyone's amazing comments! This was a great post.<BR/><BR/>I just want to toss out two things I'm thinking about:<BR/><BR/>- How we we really know she was the mother? Just because of the dark circles under her eyes? She may have been the teenage babysitter who spent too much time partying the night before and had no clue that she grabbed the wrong stroller on her way out the door to MacDonald's.<BR/><BR/>- as a lot of people have pointed out, a short, polite conversation would have probably cleared up a lot of your questions. :)<BR/><BR/>- I think judgement - or lack thereof - is very much a cultural thing. My mother is Eastern European. She, along with every other mother I've known who comes from this part of the word will lay down her opinions straight: no holds barred. My mother has opined loudly about everything including the colour of our shower curtain and the placement of our kitchen garbage. I'm supposed to listen, acknowledge, and never feel bad about she. She says she's just being a mom! And trying to help! <BR/><BR/>*ahem*<BR/><BR/>So where along the line did we lose the skill of "judging" politely and being able to accept the "judgement" ? I know I find it incredibly difficult, especially when I feel like I'm the one being criticized.<BR/><BR/>Just something to think about!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-11479162838902229082007-03-19T00:38:00.000-04:002007-03-19T00:38:00.000-04:0099 comments. Shall I make it an even hundred.Than...99 comments. Shall I make it an even hundred.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for this you have spurred me to finish a thought hassling me in draftsville for a month or so...<BR/><BR/>I wouldn't speak. I tend to transfer my thoughts like these... project. And, I made a big donation to a downtown eastside children's centre in our move and that sort of thing is really all I can do.mo-wohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10934156423936866994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-35866367982129520772007-03-18T12:20:00.000-04:002007-03-18T12:20:00.000-04:00I never worry what people will think or say about ...I never worry what people will think or say about me, just like now, you could be thinking, oh, here it comes, an uber santimommy and look, watch me not caring!<BR/><BR/>The point is you recognized you had something that you were willing to share something that was both information and material, and you had the heart and the means to share it and you had no idea how to start that conversation. Instead of just saying anything, you let your idea of what someone else's idea of you might be, change who you thought you were. <BR/><BR/>So unnecessary. What's the worst that could have happened? Here's what I would have said: <BR/><BR/>Hi! What a beautiful baby? I was wondering, would you have any use at all for a bit larger stroller? Not too big but maybe more comfortable for longer walks? Those umbrella stroller handles are never long enough and I find my back hurting if I go more than a block with them. Anyway, I was lucky enough to get two (name of designer stroller here) at my shower and have no idea what to do with the other. Let me give you my phone number in case you decide you can use it. Here you go. Oops, there's my train. Call me! Bye! <BR/><BR/>See, not so hard. One little fib instead of making a judgment either way, either about her means or parenting, and the end result is the possibility that perhaps at least some of the time, the kid will be in a better, safer, more comfortable stroller if/when she calls.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-63487968469794145172007-03-18T07:59:00.000-04:002007-03-18T07:59:00.000-04:00Amazing post. Amazing comments.We all judge. We ...Amazing post. Amazing comments.<BR/><BR/>We all judge. We have to, to some degree, otherwise we'd never get to the point of whatever it is we're focused on at the moment. It's the basis of our starting points, however right or wrong they may be. Being open to being wrong, and being able to forgive and be forgiven, is what's important in such situations I think. <BR/><BR/>As for advice, truthfully, I probably would have done what you did in the same situation. Especially as an American living over here in the UK. People do react to me in 'interesting' ways sometimes, so I tread lightly and don't offer too much unsolicited advice. ;-)<BR/><BR/>OTOH, when I was waiting to go home with our new wee one from the hospital last Sunday, a somewhat younger mother whom I'd been chatting with off and on all morning, was also waiting to go home with her first wee one. She was 'struggling' a tad more, probably because it was her first, like we all did. Anyways, she asked me if I had any advice for her seeing as I was on my second baby. I thought about it for a minute and said yes. I told her that my best piece of advice, or assvice, was to not beat herself up or get down on herself when everything wasn't going perfectly and she felt like she was screwing up. Because she was going to feel that way at times. All new moms did. And guess what? In the long run, it would mean nothing. SHe and the baby were going to be perfectly fine. Keep that in mind and be happy.<BR/><BR/>I wish someone had said that to me when MF was born... now I see why subsequent babes are so much more laid back: it's because WE are!ewe are herehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13339650361453626546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61717676741510864472007-03-17T19:17:00.000-04:002007-03-17T19:17:00.000-04:00don't feel bad. i think you have to think about a...don't feel bad. i think you have to think about all the kids around the world who don't have prams or strollers and who get carried in all sorts of ways but still survive. kids are born in war zones and in famines and all sorts. what is important is her care for the baby and her tucking it in and looking out for it. that is what matters in the long run. if she gets enough encouragement she will hopefully feel confident in what she does. babies are strong little people when all is said and done.joker the lurcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17260629209872897792noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-42019353842473281472007-03-17T17:41:00.000-04:002007-03-17T17:41:00.000-04:00Great post. Great comments. I especially loved mar...Great post. Great comments. I especially loved margalit's whole spiel about offering info on an organization that might be helpful. And julie's "southern US" approach.<BR/><BR/>That said, however, I'm a master of the great things that could have/would have/should have been said - after the fact! But, I ride the subway every day, and because DD is now 18, and DS is 13 and goes to boarding school in India, and I miss them both like mad (DD because she's all grown up - I love her totally, but miss the "little" her...), I always try to catch the eye of moms on the train and smile, perhaps chat a bit, admire their little ones, and so on. Maybe I'd have thought of something useful to say in the moment... maybe not. My heart goes out to them all.<BR/><BR/>Thanks, HBM.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-66980872876965520342007-03-16T23:28:00.000-04:002007-03-16T23:28:00.000-04:00As Redneck said, I'm comfortable with the taste of...As Redneck said, I'm comfortable with the taste of my own feet. Working in a public place where there are a lot of children, I see all kinds of situations in which maybe the mom doesn't need help...but then again, maybe she does. Yes, I've found that just connecting first as another mom and noting the beautifu child it the biggest bridge. I've found that saying things like, "Yeah, I had one of those days yesterday when my toddler kept throwing herself out of the stroller while I was running errands" does a lot to calm a mom who is about to lose it and start wailing on her kid. And I've had other moms do the same for me.<BR/><BR/>With the stroller...yeah, I would have made conversation, said that my baby looked like a little lima bean too, and then my friend gave me some hand-me-down neck holder thingies, that a friend had given to her, etc. and they really worked to keep her head up, etc.<BR/><BR/>I don't know...I think as I "mother" longer, I become more humble in the face of just how much I don't know, and I think...I hope...that comes through when I talk to other moms. That's we're all still learning no matter how much is in our bank account or how many kids we have. <BR/><BR/>Anyway, yes, a place to tread lightly. I've had plenty of people turn me on to some new (to me) parenting idea without turning it into a drive-by; but, if I do step on a toe, I just turn it back on myself: "I'm so sorry. You know, this is really one of my own hang-ups with my own kids. I need to remember that it's not everyone elses' problem too. Please forgive me." And that is truthful, too.josetteplank.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16790825543155685363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-10770198666424326772007-03-16T23:14:00.000-04:002007-03-16T23:14:00.000-04:00thanks tania, i was afraid i was all alone in my t...thanks tania, i was afraid i was all alone in my thoughts here (still not wavering from them, yet all on my lonesome!)<BR/>I am definitely not casting blame for anyone having reservations about saying anything, that's human nature and even moreso because it was out of respect and wanting to honor this young woman and not insult her, that was not my point and i hope it didn't come accross that way.<BR/>my inclination would have been to speak to her and I was only explaining my reasoning behind why I would have done that.<BR/>Take care!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70643791029270653942007-03-16T12:32:00.000-04:002007-03-16T12:32:00.000-04:00Pascale! Please get a blog. I'm with you 100%Pascale! Please get a blog. I'm with you 100%Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16343973432341578483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-86023542298682627712007-03-15T15:21:00.000-04:002007-03-15T15:21:00.000-04:00What a great conversation. Applause to everyone!No...What a great conversation. Applause to everyone!<BR/><BR/>Now after all of the coulda-shoulda-woulda, HBM, what are you going to do next time?Emily Clasperhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14838259985221983746noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-28338040176712865592007-03-15T14:42:00.000-04:002007-03-15T14:42:00.000-04:00I would have thought of the perfect thing to say t...I would have thought of the perfect thing to say to her, to educate without being offensive, to help this baby and clear my conscience, AFTER she got off the subway. So I would essentially have done what you did. Drat. But I take heart that it appears this young mother otherwise loved and cared for her baby. And wasn't feeding it a Shamrock Shake and fries from that McDonald's bag...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70533007958934855132007-03-15T12:36:00.000-04:002007-03-15T12:36:00.000-04:00hmmm, well i don't see this as assuming any of us ...hmmm, well i don't see this as assuming any of us KNOW more or CARE more... and I object to the idea that we shouldn't say anything because we "assume" ten other people will or have already mentioned to her the safety issues at hand. As mothers we were all new mothers at one time, and we all *knew* different things based on what we read, whom we talked to, and how much *advice* we were given. What one new mom has learned another may not have had the opportunity to find out about yet. As mothers, all in this thing together, shouldn't it be our duty to help each other out and share what we know? AFTER ALL, one day we are on the giving end where we are sharing information and the next day we could be on the receiving end of the information. It's not ok to assume that someone has already addressed this with her and that she has "heard all about it" 100 times. Most likely everyone else has had the same reservations about saying anything at all and has thus said nothing at all to her. And so we continue to say nothing? I still fail to see the harm in having a light (non condescening, non judgmental, non threatening) conversation with the mother, relate with her on the level that those of us who are mothers are ALL on teh same level as women who love their children, regardless of class or status or education or priviledge. If you happen to know something that is going to benefit another mom, share it. What is different about letting her know that umbrella strollers are better suited for toddlers (versus newborns) than, say, letting your mommy friend know that a certain toy she has in her home was recalled last month for saftey issues? what's the difference? Sharing valuable information can be, really, as simple as that. Why put so much behind it, why clutter it with issues. If your intent is honorable and your approach is genuine, i still fail to see the problem. By not talking to her due to class concerns, we actually increase the divide between the classes even more. If you would have no reluctance to have discussed this with a friend "at your same level" but feel awkward speaking to her about it because she is "lower class" and you are afraid of hurtng her feeelings/ego/pride then you are assuming she cares more about her pride than she does about her baby. Clearly that wasn't the case as she was attending to her baby and cooing to her baby and loving her baby just as much as we all love ours. All mothers want the best for their children, regardless of the different opportunities to provide various levels of care based on varied levels of privilege. I would never assume that a young, poor, new mom would be more offended by my comments than grateful that someone cared enough about her and her baby to let her in on something she had not yet learned. If someone hadn't been around to inform me about certain things (ie: grapes should be quartered not just cut in halves to prevent choking) I would never have known. I'm gratfeul to all the people who shared the knowledge they had, regardless of whom it came from (strangers or family) It was then my choice whether or not I wanted to follow the suggestions or not. I never was personally affronted by it when the intent was clearly and genuinely designed to be helpful. regardless of whether i agreed with that particular piece of advice or not. I'm not sure i'm getting my point accross since no one seems to have understood the point i was trying to make in my last post but i figured i'd at least *try* to explain my reasoning further. thanks HBM for a very, very thought provoking and interesting post. pascaleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-46931184484881941112007-03-15T11:59:00.000-04:002007-03-15T11:59:00.000-04:00Re: the Mcdonalds bag... I thought so! That's why ...Re: the Mcdonalds bag... I thought so! That's why I admire this post, you are being very honest about your/our assumptions, and addressing those assumptions. <BR/><BR/>I have to confess that I was "guilty" of making my own judgements as soon as I started reading your post. As a woman who doesn't (yet) have children, who is not (that much) older than the girl you saw, I felt my hackles rise the moment I added together the judgements I had made about you (mother+intelligent+middle-class+"older") and the judgements I perceived you to be making about the girl. Oh god, this is going to be holier-than-thou and pitying, I thought. I assumed, as you are a mother of a certain level of education and a certain class status, that I knew what I was about to read. <BR/><BR/>I was wrong. The post turned out to be enlightening and really, really interesting. In a way, this post is actually about blogging itself, I would say.<BR/><BR/>Speaking of judgements, is it a surprise that the unknowing object of all of this debate is a WOMAN?<BR/>Would an unknown boy/man be scrutinised by strangers to such an extent? Would their body/parenting/behaviour be as likely to become such a passive interface for discussion, become "owned" by so many strangers? Interesting, I think.<BR/><BR/>Wow, I've had more than my tuppence worth now. Will stop.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-27293751626486099682007-03-15T11:55:00.001-04:002007-03-15T11:55:00.001-04:00A bit more on what I said about not presuming to k...A bit more on what I said about not presuming to know more....and to attempt to tie it back to the discussion about the community of moms who blog....<BR/><BR/>As bloggers, don't we all presume that we know more? And as moms who blog, don't we presume that sharing our mothering experience via blogging is going to be meaningful or valuable or instructive to others? <BR/><BR/>I'm having a big "a-ha" moment here. When I chose the name for my blog "The LMD Tells You What to Think" it was to poke fun at that very attitude, which was my view of bloggers (not mom bloggers, necessarily) at the time. Yet it is exactly what I do, and what so many of us do -- presume to know more and care more than others.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04068133445052565116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-87742151461931439862007-03-15T11:55:00.000-04:002007-03-15T11:55:00.000-04:00A bit more on what I said about not presuming to k...A bit more on what I said about not presuming to know more....and to attempt to tie it back to the discussion about the community of moms who blog....<BR/><BR/>As bloggers, don't we all presume that we know more? And as moms who blog, don't we presume that sharing our mothering experience via blogging is going to be meaningful or valuable or instructive to others? <BR/><BR/>I'm having a big "a-ha" moment here. When I chose the name for my blog "The LMD Tells You What to Think" it was to poke fun at that very attitude, which was my view of bloggers (not mom bloggers, necessarily) at the time. Yet it is exactly what I do, and what so many of us do -- presume to know more and care more than others.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04068133445052565116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70721047778685793422007-03-15T11:14:00.000-04:002007-03-15T11:14:00.000-04:00I would have probably just made some friendly chit...I would have probably just made some friendly chit-chat, letting her know that I was also a mom, but not said anything about the stroller. I might have asked her in a roundabout way if she had any help/support, to see if she was open to accepting help or advice.<BR/><BR/>I like to think I would not have presumed to know more than she (or to care more about safety), based on the difference in our age/class status. That, I think, is the key to finding common ground with other mothers across the socio-economic spectrum. But it is much easier said than done.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04068133445052565116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-19182160783750276942007-03-15T10:25:00.000-04:002007-03-15T10:25:00.000-04:00I was wondering when someone would bring up the Mc...I was wondering when someone would bring up the McDonald's bag. That detail was very intentionally included - because a) she *was* carrying a McDonald's bag, and b) I was very conscious of the McDonald's bag being some sort of marker of class. It doesn't say anything about her as a person - other than she likes her fries, and hell, I like my fries too and have carried my share of McD's bags - but it's a convenient (lazy?) shorthand for a writer, because it speaks to the readers' assumptions. So I took a writer's shortcut, intentionally, and left the (factual) detail in. I fully expected to get called on it.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-86499072776032819742007-03-15T10:11:00.000-04:002007-03-15T10:11:00.000-04:00RE: JudgementCatherine, I love your post---this re...RE: Judgement<BR/><BR/>Catherine, I love your post---this reflection and discussion---and I really love this question, "I *don't* think that judgment is bad. But I'm still a bit fuzzy on where the line is drawn. Is it intention? The way that it's communicated?"<BR/><BR/>Is this a language thing? Here's how *I* think of it:<BR/><BR/>Liking Her Bad Mother's Blog...that's an opinion. A good one, a sound one, but an opinion. :)<BR/><BR/>"I wouldn't ever put a baby that small in an umbrella stroller for any length of time for any reason," is still basically an opinion, although it does carry some judgment. Still, not a bad thing, especially when it leads to, "I wonder if I could or should help." That's all good.<BR/><BR/>Here's when it becomes judgment IMO, and how taking one course of action from that judgment isn't terribly constructive or helpful:<BR/><BR/>Deciding the mom is doing a bad job. Deciding you know better. Deciding she doesn't know better. Deciding she needs to do it like you do. Deciding she needs your help and stepping forward to tell her how she's doing it wrong, without knowing anything beyond just seeing her in that moment, with the baby in the stroller that way.<BR/><BR/>Of course we all have opinions. Of course we all judge at times, ourselves and others.<BR/><BR/>I just get all icky feeling when we decide someone *is* lesser by comparison.<BR/><BR/>I think the line for me is whether it is internal, about yourself, or external, how another person should change to accomodate how we think things ought to be. KWIM?<BR/><BR/>Even if we're RIGHT, LOL, such as it's not safe for a newborn in an umbrella stroller.Julie Pipperthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03169574697104642479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-41949587320288310462007-03-15T09:40:00.000-04:002007-03-15T09:40:00.000-04:00Interesting post.For me, the judgement is implicit...Interesting post.<BR/><BR/>For me, the judgement is implicit in the first paragraph: "she clutched a Mcdonals take-out bag in one hand".<BR/><BR/>All writing is subjective- especially blogs- and therefore contains judgements. You chose to include the detail about the Mcdonalds bag, which *to me* (as an equally subjective, judgement-forming reader) speaks more about your judgements to do with class and possibly mothering skills than anything else you chose to write. By including this detail, to me you linked a to b, Mcdonalds bag to umbrella pushchair, whether consciously or not. <BR/><BR/>That's just my impression- perhaps wrong. But well done for opening your own actions and thoughts up for debate/criticism.<BR/><BR/>ps I'm not a mother but every parent I know regards criticism of their parenting skills as the most personal and hurtful slight there is. So I think it is usually best to keep one's mouth shut! Unless there is abuse of any sort involved, of course.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-38559466127458210782007-03-15T09:34:00.000-04:002007-03-15T09:34:00.000-04:00I wouldn't talk to a young mom over her stroller c...I wouldn't talk to a young mom over her stroller choice. My kids are 9 and 11 now, and I've come far enough along in the parenting process now to see that a lot of the approaches and choices I disagree end up yielding children who are just fine.<BR/><BR/>I used to freak out when my babies heads would flop forward or to the side at uncomfortable angles while I was driving. I talked to my chiropractor about it and he said as horrible as it looks, it's generally not a big deal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-24286515286852019582007-03-15T01:58:00.000-04:002007-03-15T01:58:00.000-04:00my goodness this brought up ALOT of stuff for me.....my goodness this brought up ALOT of stuff for me..i agree quite a bit with adventuredad and julie pippert... there is certainly a fine line when it comes to "getting involved/helping/safety issues" versus "simply passing judgement"...<BR/><BR/>however, when it comes to saftey issues, like a child about to fall into a pool due to lack of supervision or a newborn infant in an umbrella stroller (undeniably unsafe), i believe it to be my obligation to step in and do/say *something*... otherwise I'm the one who can't sleep at night because i *could* have helped or prevented a death by drowning or injury or whatever the case may be. If i had had the courage to say or do something, I coudl have prevented a potentially really bad situation.<BR/>In all honesty, I'm not sure I understand the reluctance to get involved when safety is at stake. I'm not talking about people butting in to bash a formula feeding mother or berate someone for letting their child CIO... there are things that are quite simply a matter of opinon and parenting style and have nothing to do with real SAFETY issues. when it comes to "style", it's quite simply NONE OF YOUR F-ING BUSINESS. Safety though is a whole other matter. Maybe my former career as a cop makes me the kind of person who feels the need to intervene when safety is a factor, or maybe my type of personality to intervene when safety is involved is what led me to being a cop.. who knows? but I do know that we, as a society, owe it to each other to look out for one another. and especially for those little ones unable to look out for themselves.<BR/> She may have simply not known better and would have really appreciated being given some valuable information to help keep her newborn safe, or safer at the very least. Your approach with regard to her would certainly have been critical to how the information was received but HBM, i have a hard time picturing you being rude or condescending to this young woman. "Intent" is a factor and IS discernable to others. And in the end, even if she did take it the wrong way and got all huffy with you and told you that it was none of your business, what harm has really come from that? Is she not an adult? Is she not going to get over it and get on with her life? Do we not ALL eventually move on and get over a personal affront or judgment that pissed us off? What's more important? her pride or her baby's safety? With whom do our priorities reside?<BR/>I have found that there is a really bad trend in our society NOT to get involved these days...everybody wants to just mind their own business..blah blah blah and because of this stupid trend, we have the situation where a kidnapped boy (shawn hornbeck) was kept in PLAIN SIGHT in a small apartment housing complex where people instinctively KNEW something was weird, thought he LOOKED ALOT LIKE the kidnapped missing boy, heard "weird sounds" and "pleading" and "abuse" coming frm the apartment in question but no one, NO ONE, called the cops to report it. NO ONE wanted to pass judgment on this man and accuse him of being a bad parent EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A SEXUAL PREDATOR who was, for years mind you, abusing this poor kid in the worst ways possible... no one wante dto "get involved" despite everything pointing to something being very, very wrong. i'm sorry but i'd rather be the person who made someone feel judged than the person who didn't do anything and could have prevented a bad situation (i'm not referring to you HBM in yoru scenario which is clearly nothing compared to the kidnap situation)... if i feel something isn't "right", i do something about it. i sleep better at night that way. being reluctant to get involved for fear of hurting someone's fragile ego to me, is a whole lot less important than potentially doing something that coudl really benefit someone, especially when that someone is an innocent child who has no ability to look out for or speak up for himself/herself...<BR/>sorry for the ramble but you hit a nerve with this one.<BR/>pascaleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8846411725869212062007-03-15T00:40:00.000-04:002007-03-15T00:40:00.000-04:00I agree with Dutch. We're all that girl in some (...I agree with Dutch. We're all that girl in some (or many) ways. Great post.Girl con Quesohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18185883042219064363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-51049287170450447092007-03-14T21:18:00.000-04:002007-03-14T21:18:00.000-04:00Holy comments, Batman! *lol* I keep coming back to...Holy comments, Batman! *lol* I keep coming back to read them. :)Kylahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03311014761113076785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-80895118582727519672007-03-14T21:13:00.000-04:002007-03-14T21:13:00.000-04:00You're totally right, Tan, that this was the post ...You're totally right, Tan, that this was the post on judgment. Intentionally so. Because the experience *so* brought home for me my ambivalence about judgment. I *don't* think that judgment is bad. But I'm still a bit fuzzy on where the line is drawn. Is it intention? The way that it's communicated? I'm pretty sure that *my* judgment v.v. this young woman was well-founded and well-intentioned, and had I had the nerve and more time, I might have found the right words. But when someone says to me, shouldn't your baby be wearing a hat? or *if* someone asked me why I was bottle-feeding, I'd be put out, no matter how well-intentioned that someone might be. Because *I* feel like I know better, and feel that others shouldn't interfere in my parenting. My discomfort here has more to do with being sensitive to the possibility of hypocrisy than with anything else, except, maybe, guilt.<BR/><BR/>I should have spoken to that young woman. But I also want to keep all of this in mind the next time that I get all pissy about judgment.<BR/><BR/>And, Jeff, the thing about the umbrella stroller? It wasn't that I felt that she needed an expensive stroller - just one that reclines. It's well-established that newborns should be on their backs as much as possible - umbrella strollers are meant for toddlers.<BR/><BR/>Oh, and <A HREF="http://www.babyinthecity.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPPER!!!</A>Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.com