tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post546231129674507350..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: Another Story, Not My Own (Lost Boy, Part II)Her Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-84275723606102148572008-12-11T23:23:00.000-05:002008-12-11T23:23:00.000-05:00I am still unable to put into coherent words what ...I am still unable to put into coherent words what my daughter finding <I>me</I> has done to me. None of it is bad, all of it is powerful and relieving and glorious and I feel so lucky. <BR/><BR/>Can I offer you anything? <BR/><BR/>Whatever you ask of me I shall offer up. I love you that much.Mochahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07035442586293974560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-91365553212230953652008-12-09T21:28:00.000-05:002008-12-09T21:28:00.000-05:00I'd have to agree with O'Neal above - the heart kn...I'd have to agree with O'Neal above - the heart knows.Ernestahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03781480379290482311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-14527746611116174132008-12-09T15:30:00.000-05:002008-12-09T15:30:00.000-05:00I know I have two half sister siblings, I am also ...I know I have two half sister siblings, I am also adopted. I tired to contact my biological father and got no response, even though I know he received my letter. I don't think about that rejection ALL the time, but I think of it more in terms of take some responsibility for what you created fuckwad. Yes, anger issues. I wish my siblings would seek me out because i AM in the system, but they have to look for me, I cannot look for them because I have already registered with the post-adoption registry here in Alberta. I would want YOU to find me. Honestly, if I was where you are, I would hire a private investigator or some such person. I am still at odds about what to do about my lost paternal "family".jenBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05422055949931141453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8035324174882107092008-12-08T17:44:00.000-05:002008-12-08T17:44:00.000-05:00Okay, this post really got to me. About 5 1/2 year...Okay, this post really got to me. About 5 1/2 years ago the son my mom gave up for adoption found us. My brother and I had no idea he existed until he contacted my mom, and she told us about him. It hasn't exactly been smoothe sailing since then, mostly for my mom, giving him up all those years ago affected her in a way no one can truely understand until they have done it. And vice versa. We spend time together, we are actually spending Christmas together this year. It hasn't been a comfortable road, it has been worth it! We are all glad he found us.Cearleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17706732276269036977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-15111403161518282802008-12-08T10:21:00.000-05:002008-12-08T10:21:00.000-05:00I love life, so deliciously messy and complicated ...I love life, so deliciously messy and complicated and imperfect! I feel your tears and I know that being on the cusp of this new dicovery can be both painful and tantalizing all at once.<BR/><BR/>I am envious of you. Yes, it's painful and potentially dangerous to meet someone who shares similar DNA and who unlocks a code to your mother's heart you never knew existed, but it also means understanding! Real understanding. It means life just got richer, deeper, more complicated, more meaningful.<BR/><BR/>I have no advice to give, but were I given your shoes to walk in a mile or so, here is what I would do next: pursue. Maybe not even to communicate or break that barrier yet, but definitely pursue. You can always sniff the wrapper before you eat the candy. : )Sweet Cadeauxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16553245920124815660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-29220404047329137372008-12-05T20:11:00.000-05:002008-12-05T20:11:00.000-05:00I could hear your voice, reading this. my heart's ...I could hear your voice, reading this. my heart's all oof.<BR/>xosweetsalty katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15822876211091242851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61828861320006500872008-12-05T14:42:00.000-05:002008-12-05T14:42:00.000-05:00If it were me, I'd flatly refuse to decide. If yo...If it were me, I'd flatly refuse to decide. If you continue without her full buy-in, anything that goes wrong will be YOUR fault.<BR/><BR/>This is her project, too, and she needs to own it, or you'll be the fall-guy.<BR/><BR/>LamontAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-37554116354631580432008-12-05T13:42:00.000-05:002008-12-05T13:42:00.000-05:00Anon - I would be willing to bet significant sums ...Anon - I would be willing to bet significant sums of money that she'd sigh deeply and then tell me that she doesn't want me to stop, thereby communicating to me that she both wants and does not want this and that I need to decide.<BR/><BR/>But I'm going to ask her this weekend.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-6259220316295420802008-12-05T13:22:00.000-05:002008-12-05T13:22:00.000-05:00I don't have any answer to your specific (final) q...I don't have any answer to your specific (final) question : should you follow your own heart, or concern yourself first and only with protecting hers. But you could find out her answer by asking this:<BR/><BR/>I'm thinking of stopping the investigation (and don't provide your own or what you suspect might be her reason for not following through; don't say why) and seeing her response.<BR/>If she replies: Oh... please don't. Then I think you have your answer.<BR/>If she replies: I think that's a good idea, then you also have her answer.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-6522400467059362872008-12-05T01:03:00.000-05:002008-12-05T01:03:00.000-05:00I just know that I love you.And I know that I love...I just know that I love you.<BR/><BR/>And I know that I love your momma too because she helped make you into the woman you are today. My friend.<BR/><BR/>I wish you both peace. <BR/><BR/>And know that I've got broad shoulders and they can more than carry the weight of your fear and tears, love.<BR/><BR/>xoxoxoxoxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-10535713209984647002008-12-04T23:47:00.000-05:002008-12-04T23:47:00.000-05:00It is really an amazing story. In a way, it's not...It is really an amazing story. In a way, it's not yours, but because it's YOUR mother, it is yours. I don't have any advice to give, but would like to wish you luck and peace in the whole thing.Rachaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00318376427752604367noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-15163884057856294542008-12-04T23:25:00.000-05:002008-12-04T23:25:00.000-05:00The Any Key - that's basically the arrangement tha...The Any Key - that's basically the arrangement that my mom and I have, but no, I haven't been as frank as I have been here about how emotionally invested I am. She and I need to talk about that, I think. Argh.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-77059142694934862922008-12-04T22:36:00.000-05:002008-12-04T22:36:00.000-05:00I can only imagine the extent of grief you are goi...I can only imagine the extent of grief you are going through, and though I have no experience personally with adoption, I feel compelled to offer my view.<BR/><BR/>I've read through the above comments, and agree that anniegirl's input may make all the difference to your Mom.<BR/><BR/>There's also this possibility: You can offer to your Mom, since you are obviously affected by this, too, to try to find your brother for you. And when/if you find him, you can meet him yourself, and if he wants to meet your Mother, and she wants to meet him, then it could happen on their terms.<BR/><BR/>It shows pretty clear through your words that you are emotionally committed, and I don't know if you've told your Mom that. I realize that such a revelation might put pressure on her, which you don't want to do, but you can still go through with it all for yourself, and tell her she can decide when to meet her son, when you find him.<BR/><BR/>There are probably other ways to go about this if you want to find him yourself, without adding to your Mother's heartache. <BR/><BR/>Maybe just expressing your desire to find him so that YOU can meet him, and that you understand her mixed feelings, along with the view that anniegirl presented above, could be enough to get a step closer.<BR/><BR/>I wish you all the best, and all the luck in the world. I hope that everything will work out beautifully for your family, and that you will look back on this and laugh. <BR/><BR/>:)The Any Keyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12055230452677094113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-37969326425273227362008-12-04T22:13:00.000-05:002008-12-04T22:13:00.000-05:00Agh.Agh.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-78453365278378134112008-12-04T22:04:00.000-05:002008-12-04T22:04:00.000-05:00C, I don't know. I just don't know.If I'm wafflin...C, I don't know. I just don't know.<BR/><BR/>If I'm waffling all over the place, I can only imagine how you're feeling.<BR/><BR/>But if there's anything I can do, just ask.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-18062119396893871632008-12-04T20:43:00.000-05:002008-12-04T20:43:00.000-05:00My hearts aches for you and your mother...and for ...My hearts aches for you and your mother...and for your brother. I can't even read all the comments, as I'm tearing up. I'd like to blame it on pregnancy hormones, but it's just such an emotional story. Thank you for sharing more about your search with us and I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-85536247419688236412008-12-04T20:23:00.000-05:002008-12-04T20:23:00.000-05:00My father is adopted. He searched for his biologic...My father is adopted. He searched for his biological parents for some time before I came along. He quit looking, quit thinking about it, quit searching when I was born. He held me in his arms and told himself- I have a family now. I don't need to find a family. I have one, right here in my arms.<BR/><BR/>As time went on, he became curious again. And he asked me to help. And I did. I did help, and I was working hard. Then my Aunt called. His adoptive sister. She asked me to stop. She begged me to stop. She gave me our medical history from that side. She told me that my father was born in a mental hospital and that his father was a bad, bad man, and that he had lots of brothers and sisters, but that she was afraid for him, for what he would find. His father used to come visit when he was a baby, and even as a baby, my father became so inconsolable in his father's presence that my grandparents forbid him from contacting my father ever again.<BR/><BR/>If I were you? I would go there and take the cert or make a copy of it and not tell your Mom until you know that telling her what you find, or even that you're looking will be safe for her heart.<BR/><BR/>I stopped helping my Dad because he was looking for his *father*, and any siblings, and I feared that the pain of it going poorly might crush him forever. He lost his adoptive father when he was 17, I didn't want him losing another father.<BR/><BR/>Because you're looking for her child, and not her parent, I say you can do both.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-73180629574220573442008-12-04T20:11:00.000-05:002008-12-04T20:11:00.000-05:00i very recently found my dad via internet after 28...i very recently found my dad via internet after 28 years. he has the most common name ever so i searched for his mother by her maiden name and found him that way. we talked through facebook (i know) for a month, until he said vile and vicious things about my mother that i couldn't reconcile with. so he disowned me. again. but before that i asked why he hadn't ever contacted me, he said he didn't want to disrupt my life. but really he didn't want to face me.<BR/><BR/>but now i'm not curious. and the rest of his family has welcomed me openly. all in all i think it was worth the long search. (as a child i called people with his name in the phone book to ask if they were my daddy.<BR/><BR/>i'd say do it if anything for closure. even if its painful its better than never knowing. i will help you if i can. just let me know.litanyofbritthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15680156235556309762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-67612697314314508572008-12-04T18:01:00.000-05:002008-12-04T18:01:00.000-05:00Mr.Lady rocks.Let me share our story. My MIL never...Mr.Lady rocks.<BR/><BR/>Let me share our story. My MIL never told anyone that the year before she married my FIL she gave up a baby at birth. She never knew if it was a boy or a girl. 30 years later she received a phone call, it was her daughter Cindy. She told everyone in the family and a wonderful reunion and meeting came to. The brothers had a sister, and she brothers and SIL's. It was wonderful. Not all the questions were answered though. 1 1/2 years after they met, my MIL passed away. 8 months later, Cindy passed away. We have that time, we and her family have those memories. It wasn't always easy, but it was a blessing and remains a blessing. It isn't always easy but good things and good stories can come from this. Relationships, joy, love and blessings.<BR/><BR/>Best of luck. I just wanted to share some good experiences from such a situation.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03395575647647856801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-71949599876753091382008-12-04T15:21:00.000-05:002008-12-04T15:21:00.000-05:00I'd follow your mom's lead. If she sends the infor...I'd follow your mom's lead. If she sends the information then proceed ahead and do your best to protect from any pain. If she doesn't, then let it rest. She may not be ready to deal with this even if she says she is; her actions are speaking loudly.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8747046617437868932008-12-04T14:56:00.000-05:002008-12-04T14:56:00.000-05:00No comment, just hugs.No comment, just hugs.Liz Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09469435277058701080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-23250976316067481572008-12-04T14:36:00.000-05:002008-12-04T14:36:00.000-05:00I don't know you nor your mother and so I could be...I don't know you nor your mother and so I could be very wrong with this, but....a theory.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Wouldn't it make sense that she wants you to find him and filter the situation in such a way that you can lie, if it's bad? So if you search on the internet and it turns out he's a mass murderer or dead or hates her, you say nothing, she never knows and it remains a mystery.<BR/><BR/>If she gives you that paperwork? Then she knows you found something out. Now you can't hide it from her if it's bad.<BR/><BR/>That's what I would do - set things up in such a way that you can protect me from ever finding out something bad, so that the worst case scenario was that I stayed in exactly the state I was in, not knowing. If I know you know... well, then I have to ask. So I would never, ever, give you that piece of paper that has a guaranteed answer. At that point, I may as well do it myself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5622027488073718762008-12-04T14:15:00.000-05:002008-12-04T14:15:00.000-05:00Since your mother is so very ambivalent, maybe it ...Since your mother is so very ambivalent, maybe it is better to let it rest for now and not put you own longings first, but think of your mother's feelings and worries. The timing may be totally wrong for this to happen now and you must not let it become an obsession for you. Just back away from it for now and let your mother's desires be your guide. It is her story first and foremost. You can't walk in and just take it out of her hands. It is possible that your brother does not want to be found, keep that in mind too.Irenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05043376053971475659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-69434459045198578742008-12-04T13:41:00.000-05:002008-12-04T13:41:00.000-05:00I have been thinking about this since yesterday. I...I have been thinking about this since yesterday. I can't put it out of my mind. My situation is different, but I see a lot of emotional similarities. My father, an undocumented immigrant, was deported two weeks before I was born. My mom once said that she always expected him to come back, but he never did (as far as I know). <BR/><BR/>I was angry with him for a long time. I always felt like if I was somehow better he would come back.<BR/><BR/>But then I had children and for the first time ever, I understood what he lost. It was sort of a life-changing moment for me. <BR/><BR/>I can't know what your brother feels, of course, but I do know that I would do absolutely anything to know my father, to know anyone at all from that part of my family. I wish so much that he would have looked for me. And, although I have never looked for him, it doesn't mean I don't want to know him. <BR/><BR/>I hope you find peace in your situation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-24589575945639955222008-12-04T13:33:00.000-05:002008-12-04T13:33:00.000-05:00My grandmother shared a very similar story with me...My grandmother shared a very similar story with me a few years ago. Her decision to give up her daughter hurt her deeply, though it was the right thing to do, for her, at the time. When that daughter came looking for her, she was elated but also scared to death to tell her family the secret she had been carrying for 35 years and asking our permission to allow this person into our lives. I remember her crying and apologizing for her mistakes and I remember bursting with more love for her than I can remember feeling ever and letting her know that I wanted nothing more for her than to know this daughter and new grandchildren.<BR/><BR/>She was lucky that she didn't have to be the one to search. She had been too afraid, too afraid of what her family would think, of us rejecting her or her lost daughter, of losing our love. Her daughter had just wanted to know her story, her past, the reasons why and, in the end, she wanted to know her family. We were very lucky.<BR/><BR/>In some ways, your own mother could be feeling the same fears that my grandmother had. I don't like to give advice, but honestly, do what your heart wants and respect hers, as well. She shared this lost son of hers with you for a reason.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17203423345794783943noreply@blogger.com