tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post5039309591318250470..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: A Brother By Any Other NameHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger138125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-45936892765973888402009-06-01T04:44:49.668-04:002009-06-01T04:44:49.668-04:00I have a half-sister I have never met. My father ...I have a half-sister I have never met. My father didn't meet her until she was 19. He'd left his country before she was born, and her birth mother disappeared. This half-sister I never met found him through the obituary he posted of his father. She never knew she herself had been searched for.<br /><br />I still haven't met her, as she is in a foreign country. I don't have a burning desire to meet her either, as I have many half-siblings and am not close to any of them. I grew up close to my full siblings, and they are my family.<br /><br />But I also didn't inherit my father's longing for her, since my parents divorced when I was young and he returned to his country. I learned to live without my father, and so missing a sibling I never met never was an issue when life becomes about missing your parent.<br /><br />I think that you should post his name. Unless he has an extremely unique name, it is likely that many people have his name (http://howmanyofme.com). You would not be disrupting his life because if he didn't want to be found, he could simply deny that he was the right "John Doe" you were searching for.<br /><br />On the other hand, like my half-sister, he may not know anyone is searching for him. If he sees his name, he can choose to contact you. He can choose to ignore you. He can choose to disrupt his life. The internet is the most powerful tool you have to find him, and whether you post his name or not, you will disrupt his life if you ever do contact him.<br /><br />If someone with the same name gets contacted about this, if it isn't him, it would only be a minor annoyance at worst, well wishes to find who you're looking for at best. If your true half-brother does get notified by your countless internet detectives, he has forewarning and won't be blindsided by a call one day. He can read the backstory, be moved, recognize himself in a story, decide he wants answers too. He can then choose to contact you first, what to say, or he can even prepare a statement for you saying he doesn't want to be contacted.<br /><br />No matter what you do, if you find him his life will be altered. The only difference in using the internet will be whether you find him at all and how quickly it will happen.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-48552245494022029212009-05-16T00:46:00.000-04:002009-05-16T00:46:00.000-04:00oh gosh, in a small way I can relate. I also have...oh gosh, in a small way I can relate. I also have a family member (let's just say a VERY close relative--or at least he was at one time). He too changed his name, his life. You are very fortunate you found out your brother's new name. <br /><br />I'd be lying if I said I didn't harbor a similar fantasy--throwing this person's birth name out there. Of course, I don't though. I don't wish to cause pain to my mother. And, I figure if he really really wants to find me, he will, I guess.<br /><br />Anyhow, you and your mother have my deepest sympathies. I would suggest, go for it. Go look for him. Good luckAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09271864194625919704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8180550708494124932009-05-07T13:46:00.000-04:002009-05-07T13:46:00.000-04:00Thank you for sharing your story! I was adopted wh...Thank you for sharing your story! I was adopted when I was born, and I'm very lucky to now know my biological mom and my half brothers. <br /><br />Adoption is a beautiful thing and deciding to find someone is a seriously personal choice. I weighed the pros and cons...what I would feel like if I never tried against how I would feel if I was rejected. I decided I had to try. Like I said, I was lucky.<br /><br />Good luck!!! We are all anxious to hear a happy ending to your story!<br /><br />(A link to my adoption story, which includes the adoption story of my friends: http://ok-state-kellys.blogspot.com/2008/10/when-its-just-meant-to-be.html)The Kellyshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01087189553147759933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-54185680212908427152009-05-07T11:24:00.000-04:002009-05-07T11:24:00.000-04:00I think you definitely should not publish the name...I think you definitely should not publish the name of the man who is your brother on your blog. You are right - it is your story, not his, not unless he chooses to claim it as part of his if you find him. I know too many people who are so private and would dislike having such a thing displayed too publicly. <br /><br />As for first contact, I think email/letter/even facebook are good choices if possible. People need time to absorb such news - and interestingly this happened to my DH recently. He was contacted on FB by someone who is likely his half-brother. He appreciated having the chance to respond in his own time, a phone call would have been difficult for him.<br /><br />Good luck in your search.Laurie/MobileMommyhttp://vamomof3boys.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70606266097085767952009-05-06T20:54:00.000-04:002009-05-06T20:54:00.000-04:00whaaaaaat? people were mean to you? why is it self...whaaaaaat? people were mean to you? why is it selfish to want to know your biology?<br /><br />as an adoptive mother, i love that you are on a quest to find him to offer him more people to love him.<br /><br />this is exactly why i love open adoption so much. so grateful. i know that my oldest (2 yrs old) has 4 siblings out there and that they are all about the same age--give or take a few months. (holy fertile 6 months for his birth father. we wish we had that kind of sperm power at r house. lol.)<br /><br />because we write to my 2 year old's birth father in prison, we have learned their names and where they live and their mothers' names. they each have a different mother. he doesn't have a relationship with any of them, but he has shared what he knows because he knows that my (our) son will want to know. bless him. (under that gansta' attitude, he really is a sweetheart that loves "one tree hill." darling, right?)<br /><br />i want to have a relationship with these people--all of them, especially with these children. <br /><br />why? because were i in your shoes, or in my oldest son's shoes, i would desperately want to know my siblings, half siblings, biology, family ...whatever you want to call them. <br /><br />i think you feel a craving to do this because IT IS RIGHT. it's not like you are forcing him to have a relationship, he can say no ...but i doubt he will. it's natural to want to seek out your family.<br /><br />can't wait to watch this journey unfold.<br /><br />besos and suerte.<br /><br />kudos to the adoption world for moving towards open adoption 10ish years ago. i don't know if i could have closed adoptions. much, much love and repsect to the members of the adoption triad who did/do.Lindsey from The R Househttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16487077462904179112noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-69328854741526153092009-05-06T20:38:00.000-04:002009-05-06T20:38:00.000-04:00For what it's worth, I don't think you are wrong i...For what it's worth, I don't think you are wrong in searching him out. Two of my brother-in-laws are adopted...one knows his birth family and sees him regularly. The other doesn't, but I think if they ever searched him out (once he was an adult - he's only 5 right now) no one would be offended, especially not if it was a sibling.<br /><br />It's a natural curiosity, to want to know your siblings. I would tread carefully in case he didn't *know* he was adopted but I can tell you, if I was adopted and my birth siblings found me, I'd want to know it.<br /><br />Besides...maybe he IS making the search but can't find you, or doesn't know enough TO find you.<br /><br />I also disagree that you are taking away from your mother by looking for him. Why can't this be "your thing" too?Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13170593056215538073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-77497345985670085712009-05-06T15:21:00.000-04:002009-05-06T15:21:00.000-04:00Elisabeth - I appreciate you sharing your angst. I...Elisabeth - I appreciate you sharing your angst. It helps me to work through my own ;)Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-75711592649188399012009-05-06T15:09:00.001-04:002009-05-06T15:09:00.001-04:00"Some might believe that the only reasonable choic..."Some might believe that the only reasonable choice is to write nothing that touches upon the lives of others. I happen to not believe that."<br /><br />I don't believe that either, I promise (despite my own recent 'to blog or not to blog angst' :-)). I think we just draw the lines between our stories and other people's stories in slightly different places and define risky categories of people to blog about somewhat differently. I suppose all I was saying was I hope your brother shares your views.<br /><br />By way of background, I considered adopting (am still considering it actually) and so I've spent a lot of time lurking on the blogs of adult adoptees - and some birth parents too. Their blogs often contain intense emotion and lots of confusion and don't make for comfortable reading - particularly for a potential adopter.<br /><br />Consequently, whilst intimate potraits of children's lives on the internet give me some pause for thought, I think any aspect of an adoption reunion story on the internet not written by the adoptee gives me even greater pause for thought. <br /><br />It sounds like you've thought about your decision on this issue very carefully though and I wish you the best of luck with it.<br /><br />(BTW, lurking in your comments box and angsting about the nature of blogging in general is really a back handed compliment to you. Well written blogs create this angst for me because of the conflict between liking the intimate potrait painted by the writer and my personal worry over privacy issues. Whilst the solution to the privacy issues seem simple re the mediocre blogger (ie *please* just hit delete! ;-)), it doesn't in your case. Hope that makes sense...:-))<br /><br />Take care.Elisabethnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-83251948283753615752009-05-06T15:09:00.000-04:002009-05-06T15:09:00.000-04:00"Some might believe that the only reasonable choic..."Some might believe that the only reasonable choice is to write nothing that touches upon the lives of others. I happen to not believe that."<br /><br />I don't believe that either, I promise (despite my own recent 'to blog or not to blog angst' :-)). I think we just draw the lines between our stories and other people's stories in slightly different places and define risky categories of people to blog about somewhat differently. I suppose all I was saying was I hope your brother shares your views.<br /><br />By way of background, I considered adopting (am still considering it actually) and so I've spent a lot of time lurking on the blogs of adult adoptees - and some birth parents too. Their blogs often contain intense emotion and lots of confusion and don't make for comfortable reading - particularly for a potential adopter.<br /><br />Consequently, whilst intimate potraits of children's lives on the internet give me some pause for thought, I think any aspect of an adoption reunion story on the internet not written by the adoptee gives me even greater pause for thought. <br /><br />It sounds like you've thought about your decision on this issue very carefully though and I wish you the best of luck with it.<br /><br />(BTW, lurking in your comments box and angsting about the nature of blogging in general is really a back handed compliment to you. Well written blogs create this angst for me because of the conflict between liking the intimate potrait painted by the writer and my personal worry over privacy issues. Whilst the solution to the privacy issues seem simple re the mediocre blogger (ie *please* just hit delete! ;-)), it doesn't in your case. Hope that makes sense...:-))<br /><br />Take care.Elisabethnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-88650282150589823712009-05-06T13:29:00.000-04:002009-05-06T13:29:00.000-04:00Miss Grace - There is a distinction between unethi...Miss Grace - There is a distinction between unethical intrusion into a person's life, and contacting a person, for any reason. Any form of contact with anyone else, for any reason, is an invitation to discourse, which said person may or may not reciprocate. It is not unethical to initiate contact - it would be unethical to pester and bother and browbeat and attempt to emotionally blackmail a person into a response not of their choosing.<br /><br />Just because adoption is fraught with so many strong emotions, does not mean that the ADULT adoptees should not ever be contacted. I completely agree that minor adopted children should not be contacted except through their guardians, but I do not believe that we have the same strict burden of care with adults. I think that regular social mores should apply, in that people should be respectful of the others wishes, feelings, etc. It should be safe to assume that as a person grows a couple decades into adulthood, that that person is fully capable of saying no, or not now, or I am so glad you took the time to check on me, but I'll get back to you when I am ready. And it is safe to assume that the adult initiating the contact will accept the stated wishes.<br /><br />(I also don't think that older adults are in the same category as 21 year old children. At 21, many of us were still in that precarious blend of adult responsibilities, and mulch of childlike and adult emotional reactions to the adult world, all at once.)<br /><br />To say that searching for an adopted family member is unethical seems far too strong, and very harsh. I am curious as to why you make such a strong statement... In my family, the fact that my grandfather's two oldest children were adopted out was due to a very sad set of circumstances. There was nothing black or white about the choice, indeed there was not a real choice, to give these girls to other homes. They have always been acknowledged as family, even when they were not present, even when we didn't know if they were alive or not. If they hadn't found us, we would have indeed found them. Even if just to know that they were well, or where their graves were.Joyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09695354700835113117noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-14218031180005763592009-05-06T12:28:00.000-04:002009-05-06T12:28:00.000-04:00Catherine I've been keeping up with the comments o...Catherine I've been keeping up with the comments on this post, because I find your journey fascinating, and because I am genuinely interested in hearing all sides of this debate. <br /><br />The more I think about it, the more strongly I feel that it is no one's right but your half brother's to initiate contact or to search out his biological family, and that at most, you and your mother should leave letters at agencies designed to initiate this contact. <br /><br />And yes, despite what I genuinely believe to be your very best intentions and desires, I believe it is unethical to violate your half-brother's privacy by way of direct contact. <br /><br />I disagree with the notion that you are your mother's third party, as you are also a member of his biological family, and also emotionally invested in the outcome. If you do end up at a point where you are able to contact your half-brother, I strongly suggest that you do so by way of an unrelated third party, perhaps even a lawyer. <br /><br />I know you're in Canada, and adoption laws are different, but in the U.S., unless it is a case of open adoption, contact with the biological family is designed to be strictly at the discretion of the adopted party. <br /><br />And Catherine, I just want to reiterate that your motivations and desires are not suspect to me. I believe that even if we disagree on this (and I believe we do), and you go forward with making contact with your brother, you will do so with sensitivity and caution.<br /><br />I wish your family the very best in this process.Jenny Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12943823729806115657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-73289295716277709572009-05-06T10:30:00.000-04:002009-05-06T10:30:00.000-04:00Elisabeth,
That's potentially true of any relatio...Elisabeth,<br /><br />That's potentially true of any relationship for a writer - children, spouses, parents, co-workers, neighbors, passers-by. I absolutely adhere to the principle that permission is needed before I tell anyone else's story. But I need to draw the line somewhere, I need to be able to say, here is where someone else's story ends and mine begins, otherwise I have no room to move. Of course it's not clear cut. But I have to make a choice. Some might believe that the only reasonable choice is to write nothing that touches upon the lives of others. I happen to not believe that. <br /><br />I'm a memoirist of sorts. Whether I write here or in a magazine or in a book, it makes no difference: it's what I do. That carries risks, obviously, which is why I proceed carefully when I write about things that involve other people. But carefully is the best that I can do. To stop writing stories that involve other people would mean that I would have to stop writing entirely.<br /><br />So, I've made my call, and my call is this: that it's reasonable to regard my mother's experience as *her* story, and my feelings and ideas about it, as well as my feelings and ideas about the process of searching - the person being searched for here remains only a spectre, not even a name - are my own. I would hope that if he and I ever connect, he would understand that. The possibility that he might not is a risk that I've decided to take - it's a risk that I take with writing about my children (which is miles and away more transgressive of the boundaries between 'owned' stories) and so I've already made my peace with it.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-55028003794278307682009-05-06T10:11:00.000-04:002009-05-06T10:11:00.000-04:00"The search itself is private. I have no intention..."The search itself is private. I have no intention of revealing anything about this man, if I do indeed ever learn anything other than his name. My own experience of the search itself, however, and how it bears upon my relationship with my mother and my understanding of family - this is my own story (and my mother's, for which I have permission) to tell."<br /><br />I don't think the above distinction is at all as clear cut<br />as you seem to think it is. Your search for him (how you feel about it, how your mother feels about it) is also something he might well regard as 'his story' I am afraid. Consequently, I am worried for you and what blogging will do for your potential future relationship with your brother. <br /><br />I hope this doesn't fall into the category of a 'mean comment' - I love to write and I do understand the way it can be used to process feelings and to work through something. It's just that the longer I read blogs, the more I think the potential consequences of writing about real life events in a public forum can be very serious indeed.Elisabethnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-16519115229294555322009-05-06T00:57:00.000-04:002009-05-06T00:57:00.000-04:00I would contact him in writing. I'd suggest making...I would contact him in writing. I'd suggest making sure the letter is more factual and less emotional - just in case he's not ready. Share with him that he has two half sisters, perhaps some general information about his birth mom, and let him know how to reach you.<br /><br />And as some of the other comments have indicated, not all of these meetings have happy endings so I would only caution you to make sure your expectations aren't set too high so as to keep from disappointment.Signora Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11355875304781787017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-60753875869805315972009-05-05T15:40:00.000-04:002009-05-05T15:40:00.000-04:00I think that you are making a well thought out cho...I think that you are making a well thought out choice. There is no way to know his reaction, but your path seems well intentioned and well thought out. <br /><br />Best of luck to you, your mom and the unnamed, unknown brother. I hope that he has been wondering about the mother you share, and if he has siblings. <br /><br />Life is not always Hallmark moments, but they do happen. I hope they happen to your family.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09188733653627326208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-6281269633977931252009-05-05T14:32:00.000-04:002009-05-05T14:32:00.000-04:00Alice - I considered publishing his name briefly, ...Alice - I considered publishing his name briefly, fleetingly. And decided against it, for all the reasons that everyone has reviewed here. <br /><br />The search itself is private. I have no intention of revealing anything about this man, if I do indeed ever learn anything other than his name. My own experience of the search itself, however, and how it bears upon my relationship with my mother and my understanding of family - this is my own story (and my mother's, for which I have permission) to tell.<br /><br />And I am well, well aware the risks. I think about this constantly. I don't share all of my thoughts about it, but I think about it *constantly*, from every angle. To say that I am proceeding with caution is an understatement.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5790819671627251322009-05-05T14:27:00.000-04:002009-05-05T14:27:00.000-04:00Avalon - she asked me to look for her. Please trus...Avalon - she asked me to look for her. Please trust that there are hours and hours of conversation that go on between my mom and I about this issue, and that there is much to this story that I don't lay bare on the blog.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-81579002315884114072009-05-05T14:15:00.000-04:002009-05-05T14:15:00.000-04:00I just wanted to chime in - I am completely dismay...I just wanted to chime in - I am completely dismayed that you were even considering publishing this man's name on your blog. <br /><br />From what I understand, you have his name - you haven't located him through a mutual adoption find. This means there is a very very very real possibility that this man does not even know he was adopted, or has absolutely zero desire to 'connect' with you, your mother, or anyone in your family.<br /><br />You could be opening up a festering can of worms here. I am assuming that you have read stories of adoption reunions that have not gone well at all. <br /><br />Publishing his name would be an incredible invasion of his privacy (not to mention anyone else who shares his name). I understand that you use your blog to be very open and honest about what is going on your life, but this is someone else's life. Someone you have never met, don't know, and are only connected by biology.<br /><br />I think that this search you are doing is intensely private, and it has the potential to cause serious damage in not only your life, but his life, your family's life....I'm not so sure if discussing this in such a public way is such a good idea, at all. Sometimes it is way better to write about something after the proverbial dust has settled. <br /><br />And yes, my life has been negatively affected by a "well-meaning" adoption search.... some mysteries are better left unsolved, and telling the tale of this story unfolding (though gripping, I'm sure, to regular readers) is incredibly disrespectful to this man who is biologically related to you, but is certainly not your brother, yet. (It may turn out very well, but I implore you to please consider the privacy of this man. Not everyone wants to live their life in blogland!)alicenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-24358117154772089342009-05-05T13:33:00.000-04:002009-05-05T13:33:00.000-04:00Catherine,
The biggest difference between the com...Catherine,<br /><br />The biggest difference between the comparison to my story and yours? <br />I don't have another interested party in my family who has a greater stake in find vs leave alone. If I go about searching for my brother, it would be because I chose to, not because I am doing it for someone else. <br /><br />If you were to follow that same train of thinking, then, in fact, you are finding your brother for you. Not your mother. And that takes a bit of her story, her control, away from her.<br /><br />If it was my Mom who was searching, I would help as best I could to find the pertinent info, and then back away and allow her to decide what to do with it. If she trusts me, she knows that I will be there to support her in whatever she decides to do, or not do with that information.<br /><br /><br />I don't fault you for having an interest in finding your brother. That is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. And I do respect the fact that you are trying to help your Mom in any way you can. But ultimately, this was your Mom's story with her baby for many years before it ever became intertwined with your story.<br /><br />I honestly don't mean to appear dismissive of what you feel is important. I just worry that the story has somehow been morphed from " my Mom has sometimes thought about finding him, but never decided to pursue it" <br />to <br />" I will find him for her". <br /><br />To me, there is a vast difference.Avalonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12717171111059212946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-88125350629817702042009-05-05T12:10:00.000-04:002009-05-05T12:10:00.000-04:00My cousins found their younger brother who was put...My cousins found their younger brother who was put up for adoption many, many years ago. They have argued ever since over whether to approach him or not, whether to let him know who they are. One really wants to. The other wants to let him have his own life, thinking it's better he not know how different theirs was from his. Adoption is indeed a strange thing. I don't know what to tell you.Katiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00438572073263291065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-30060509691179237622009-05-05T11:51:00.000-04:002009-05-05T11:51:00.000-04:00Oh, Catharine, I'm so glad you're one step closer ...Oh, Catharine, I'm so glad you're one step closer in your journey!<br /><br />Now is the tricky part. What to say and how to say it? No clue. It will be much harder to talk to the one who actually is HIM rather than the ones who aren't.<br /><br />Maybe for the ones on facebook you could do a generalized letter or something like "I'm looking for a man by this name who could have possibly been adopted in (insert date here)." and so on.<br /><br />It will be hard, but I love hearing about it, because as you know I just finished a journey almost the same.<br /><br />But yes, keeping his name off is a good idea. Letting close friends in on it isn't.<br /><br />KatKathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17634437675434992781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-37903410447353724632009-05-05T11:32:00.000-04:002009-05-05T11:32:00.000-04:00You mentioned on twitter that some of the comments...You mentioned on twitter that some of the comments have been difficult and I wanted to come here to support you and just to say, that you should search for him and make contact, because he may not have access to the info to find you and it may be very difficult for him. And although many adoptees tell their families that they don't want to know who their birth parents are--all of those same people privately say that they do want to search. <br /><br />That said, once you do make contact, you have to respect his boundaries. He may have some issues and need some time to process them. I care about my birth mom, but she has overwhelmed me with her disrespect for my feelings. She literally just wants to run me over and consume me....which is very sad. But I'm still glad I met her because one way or the other at least I know what happened.<br /><br />But it is never unethical to contact a birth parent or a child given up and i have no idea why anyone would ever say that! Insecurity perhaps? Frankly, he is an adult, and can make his own choices.<br /><br />Anyway, please know that there are lots and lots of adoption trolls out in the blogosphere, some so vicious that many adoptees I know, never ever blog about how they really feel. They have just been attacked too many times. Same for birth moms. So it's very important that keep a thick skin on this issues if you intend on blogging about it.<br /><br />Take care, and if you ever need anything, just email or dm me on twitter.Aureliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13691032415028867902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-56869881788674668332009-05-05T11:23:00.000-04:002009-05-05T11:23:00.000-04:00oh catherine that is wonderful that you have a nam...oh catherine that is wonderful that you have a name to find your brother.and you are right not to publish it here as it is a sensitive and private issue.good luck and hopefully he will be open to meeting and having a relationship with you.LAVANDULAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-86589806874804828542009-05-05T10:51:00.000-04:002009-05-05T10:51:00.000-04:00Catherine, I've been a lurker of your blog for a f...Catherine, I've been a lurker of your blog for a few months now. I find your blog interesting, funny, sad, and, sometimes annoying (my honesty here). However, I think what you're trying to do to find your brother is wonderful. I think that families/people need to know where they came from, even if the end result isn't what everyone wants.<br /><br />I don't think you're being unethical. I don't think you should post your brother's name and I think you've already agreed with that. But I do think you should continue your search and try to contact your brother, in one way or another.<br /><br />Everyone commenting has their stories and everyone's history and personality are different. I think that you need to do what you feel in your heart is right.<br /><br />You know, some people have commented on whether or not your brother even knows he's adopted and how this contact will affect him if he's not. Maybe I'm harsh, but I believe that he SHOULD know - that everyone should know their history. And if you're the one to tell him, so be it. He has the right to know and decide if he wants to know his family. So, as long as you're willing to let him make that decision once contact has been made, I think you should go for it.<br /><br />Yes, this is long-winded, but I've been reading the comments for the last few days and finally decided I needed to post.<br /><br />Good luck with your search!anotherJasper'smommynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-23829442079434941682009-05-05T09:02:00.000-04:002009-05-05T09:02:00.000-04:00Avalon - it's much more complicated than just, if ...Avalon - it's much more complicated than just, if my mom wanted this search she'd do it herself. So many people here have talked about the benefit of third parties doing the searching, making contact, to lessen the emotional burden - I'm her third party. The only person she trusts to do this thing that carries such emotional weight for her.<br /><br />You say that your brother is uniquely yours, and that no-one else has the right to search for him. Why, then, is not my brother uniquely mine, to search for, to wonder about? Families are more than just parents and children; there are more relationships at stake than just mother and child, or father and child. Is it wrong for me to wonder about my brother? If so, why so? If this has become more about me - and that's not something that anyone can know for certain, I think, just through my writing - is there necessarily anything wrong with that?<br /><br />There would be no genealogy, no full family histories, no true biography, if families didn't seek each other out, seek out their histories, their stories.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.com