tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post4631459924908587530..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: No Matter WhatHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-71055465247350393472009-04-01T07:22:00.000-04:002009-04-01T07:22:00.000-04:00Wow. Fascinating and heavy stuff.I have a friend ...Wow. Fascinating and heavy stuff.<BR/><BR/>I have a friend who works with autistic kids and said one of the boys he worked with was the nicest person he'd ever met.<BR/><BR/>I'm guessing your baby turned out fine since I've not seen more on this topic! :P<BR/><BR/>Guess I'll have to take a peek at the archives. :DAl_Palhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10260615221471924302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-85849497578249265382007-12-05T22:09:00.000-05:002007-12-05T22:09:00.000-05:00I can't handle uncertainty. I haven't been in this...I can't handle uncertainty. I haven't been in this situation before. But if I was, I would get every test that was not an amnio, CVS or anything invasive. <BR/><BR/>I hope it will turn out OK. I agree with the person who said don't listen to people. They will project their own fears or desires or wishes or ideas upon you and nothing they say will be useful to you because they are not you. So I would stay away from experts and information until the baby comes and if you need stuff to help the baby, help the baby. <BR/><BR/>That's my projecting. When uncertain, I seek out information and then I just interpret everything as bad.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-25309965668732776642007-12-05T02:40:00.000-05:002007-12-05T02:40:00.000-05:00You sound just like me about two years ago. When w...You sound just like me about two years ago. When we were faced with the same choice, it was devastating. In the end, we also came to rely on the phrase "no matter what." We were going to love the baby and do our best by him no matter what. <BR/><BR/>For us, that meant not doing any further testing. We decided that if the baby had Downs, then we'd handle it. It was actually a load off of our minds to come to that conclusion, and I was relieved to be able to just sort of let go and let whatever was going to happen happen. <BR/><BR/>We definitely grappled (and still do) with the idea that maybe all of these tests aren't so helpful after all... would it have been better to just not know? Of course there is no answer to that one, and if I were pregnant again, I don't know... maybe I'd still have all the same tests. <BR/><BR/>Whatever the decision you make as far as testing goes, I know it will be the right thing for you. Hang in there... it's so hard!!!!<BR/><BR/>BTW, my son is fine after all that. That was a relief, but by the time he was born and we knew for sure, we were pretty comfortable with the idea that we might have a disabled child to love. We knew we could handle it... no matter what.Emily Clasperhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14838259985221983746noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-73157856501019213252007-12-04T17:43:00.000-05:002007-12-04T17:43:00.000-05:00Full disclaimer: I have a multiply disabled son w...Full disclaimer: I have a multiply disabled son who was born very prematurely (23 weeks). I did have an amnio, and I would have terminated if there had been an anomaly.<BR/><BR/>Now, my world is full of kids with disabilities, including Down syndrome. I agree with everyone who says, if you are not willing to terminate, don't do the amnio.<BR/><BR/>I also strongly suggest reading up on Down's. There are great blogs on the subject, those that talk about spirituality, but those that also talk about the challenges.<BR/><BR/>There is no right or wrong here. There is only you and your family.Leightongirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01995668005241526484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-40217610971303808782007-12-04T02:55:00.000-05:002007-12-04T02:55:00.000-05:00I have no advice. All I have for you are prayers....I have no advice. All I have for you are prayers. But you have those, and you will have those every day until Thursday and thereafter, because this IS hard. Even if you've already made the decision nomatterwhat.<BR/><BR/>My heart goes out to you, Catherine.whymommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07777338223585873289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-90132625944651562162007-12-03T19:44:00.000-05:002007-12-03T19:44:00.000-05:00First of all, the chance that something is wrong w...First of all, the chance that something is wrong with your baby is really small. So, hard as it is, keep the faith.<BR/><BR/>Second, I went through a similar thing. But my u/s had MANY findings and I had an amnio then and there because, like you, I HAD to know.<BR/><BR/>My daughter did have a rare chromosome disorder, but looking back, I wish I didn't know beforehand. If you aren't going to end the pregnancy, it can often make your pregnancy miserable. We were given so much doom and gloom (your baby will NEVER make it to term, she will definitely not live live long after birth, she will definitely need extensive heart surgery IF she survives, she will never EVER make it to one year. Well, they were right about the chromosome disorder, but wrong about a lot. She is 4 1/2. She has never had heart surgery. She is definitely severely disabled, but she is so sweet not even close to the "vegetable" they predicted she would be. I thought I could never ever handle such a child, but I did and I do. It can be hard, my other children can often be just as challenging.<BR/><BR/>Take care, don't let the "experts" scare you too much (they know so much less than you think!) and keep the faith.Irenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01270545811471785078noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-10423759314911248362007-12-03T09:46:00.000-05:002007-12-03T09:46:00.000-05:00We were told with my last pregnancy that we had a ...We were told with my last pregnancy that we had a 1 in 36 chance of Down Syndrome. Like you, we came to the conclusion that we were having this baby no matter what, so we opted not to do the amnio, and instead find out what we could from the Level 2 ultrasound. They never did find any markers. After months of worry, when our little boy was finally delivered (by a doctor from our practice who had only seen me one other time) my frantic questions about his health were met with a blank stare and a baffled "What are you talking about? Was he supposed to have Down's? This baby is fine!" <BR/><BR/> Kind of anticlimactic.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53266796843043841662007-12-02T16:28:00.000-05:002007-12-02T16:28:00.000-05:00When we faced questions about CPC's (cysts) -- I h...When we faced questions about CPC's (cysts) -- I had the amnio.<BR/><BR/>It did not hurt... Was, I think, sort of akin to acupuncture sized needle.<BR/><BR/>It helped me a lot. Helped me go into my birth process without some programmed urge to inspect the baby for 'abnormality'. It helped me plan my maternity leave expectations and it helped me progress/process information about 'the baby' with my little girl soon to be big sister.<BR/><BR/>I needed the information. Pass/Fail.<BR/><BR/>We understood many of the things you've said in your posts. Ours sat in draft for so long but they faded away under the delete. You have an amazing readership, don't you think?mo-wohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10934156423936866994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-35072389653585835082007-12-02T15:43:00.000-05:002007-12-02T15:43:00.000-05:00Oh, HBM, your post was heart wrenching today! I w...Oh, HBM, your post was heart wrenching today! I was where you are 2 years ago when pregnant with my beautiful daughter (who does NOT have Down Syndrome). The tests ARE scary. I don't know what your numbers are, but DO try to remember that it is just a risk assessment. I hate when doctor's say that your test was positive - it only gives the odds that something will happen. Even if your risk of having a Down baby is 1 in 10, that still means you have a 90% chance of having a perfectly chromosomally normal child!<BR/><BR/>I chose to not have an amnio, and though I'm still happy with my decision I was uneasy the rest of my pregnancy. I couldn't handle the risk of miscarraige or harming the baby that inherently comes with an amnio, even though those risks are very small. It's a hard, personal decision, but if you will be miserable the rest of your pregnancy not knowing, you should consider having an amnio.<BR/><BR/>Good luck! I know it's hard, but you can handle whatever comes your way!Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02769808700273799849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-78983704761162816072007-12-02T14:43:00.000-05:002007-12-02T14:43:00.000-05:00Unless you're willing to have an abortion I wouldn...Unless you're willing to have an abortion I wouldn't have the amino, it is a test that has risks attached to it.<BR/><BR/>As for your baby, Down syndrome or not, you will love him or her, no matter what. A special needs child is not the end of the world, it does alter your world, forever, but I get so much from my daughter, I can't imagine my life without her. She opened my heart in a way my other two children never did.<BR/><BR/>What ever happens, I wish you well. Take care.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-436866678644381262007-12-02T14:20:00.000-05:002007-12-02T14:20:00.000-05:00Catherine, I am sending you a cyber hug and so muc...Catherine, I am sending you a cyber hug and so much love right now. Because I have no words for you, only tears and hope.the mystichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11536278508991059301noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-60184983536401665692007-12-02T13:16:00.000-05:002007-12-02T13:16:00.000-05:00I have no advice, just here to offer my support. ...I have no advice, just here to offer my support. I hope the writing proves cathartic.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-72408989800176791772007-12-02T11:42:00.000-05:002007-12-02T11:42:00.000-05:00I, too, am a person who has to KNOW. I have the ab...I, too, am a person who has to KNOW. I have the abnormal AFP. My u/s is Wednesday. I will have the amnio.<BR/>I need to know, to prepare, to mourn, if necessary and to celebrate (I pray).<BR/><BR/>I had an amnio with my son and he's just peachy keen! Did it hurt? yes. As bad as labor? Oh heavens no. Was my mind so put at ease that I could relax and enjoy the pregnancy? YES.<BR/><BR/>There are no guarantees in life. Even an amnio can't promise a healthy baby. But it can give you many (not all) answers. And that worked for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-33255591841767356902007-12-01T22:49:00.000-05:002007-12-01T22:49:00.000-05:00C., I haven't read all 125 comments ahead of me, s...C., I haven't read all 125 comments ahead of me, so forgive me if this is repetitive; but here's my experience. With my 1st pregnancy, I was 31. I had nuchal translucency and two blood tests, all of which showed no increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities. I also had one blood test which DID show an elevated risk. The doctor advised an amnio. I didn't want to do it, since I felt the other "good" tests outweighed the "bad" one. <BR/><BR/>But my husband was paralyzed with fear. He very much needed to know what was going on. So we went ahead with the amnio. And yeah, it sucked, but I promise you it didn't actually hurt. It just felt extremely weird. The wait was not difficult because I knew everything was OK -- obviously not the same as your situation.<BR/><BR/>If I were you? I'd do the amnio. The risk of miscarriage is slight, and the ability to prepare as much as you can for whatever lies ahead is important. <BR/><BR/>Still: remember that these tests are OFTEN wrong.<BR/><BR/>Wishing you lots of love & peace.Mayberryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14342826784650208124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-6790991527939745412007-12-01T12:52:00.000-05:002007-12-01T12:52:00.000-05:00I don't have advice. I do have some thoughts.Firs...I don't have advice. I do have some thoughts.<BR/><BR/>First, I don't think you make the decision, I think it makes itself. Follow your heart, as it were.<BR/><BR/>I had my first baby at 35. Did the ultrasound/blood test, all was fine, so I never did have an amnio. 35 is the borderline, anyway.<BR/><BR/>My second was born when i was 37. Again, no amnio. But this time I thought about it. Again, the ultrasound/blood test was fine (but I was nervous, I will tell you).<BR/><BR/>The risk of amnio does exist, but it is quite low. And it does absolutely depend on the technician who performs the test, and I believe there are some very good ones in TOronto. I do have a friend who had one, and she did tell me it was not a big deal.<BR/><BR/>I wish you luck and strength. I agree, knowledge is power. And the best thing, I think, is that you've made your decision before you know what you are dealing with. Which should give you some peace, or strength at least.naomicatgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03205480086347230719noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-13229004043103874992007-12-01T12:03:00.000-05:002007-12-01T12:03:00.000-05:00With our first we had ultrasound that lead to a ma...With our first we had ultrasound that lead to a marker for Cystic Fibrosis. We had the amnio (the worst 10 days spendt waiting) and everything was fine. With #'s 2, 3 and 4 we had the ultra sound, but nothing else (I was 39 when #4 was born). Our thinking was... what would we do with the information gained? Would we use that information to change the course of my pregnancy? We would not, so we didn't have any further tests. You need to do what is right for you and your family. I wish you God's peace and confidence.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61312212577544104172007-11-30T23:38:00.000-05:002007-11-30T23:38:00.000-05:00I have no advice, just prayers & good thoughts to ...I have no advice, just prayers & good thoughts to send your way and hope that you find peace whatever you decide!FENICLEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03933260775407897696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-26523429580845657072007-11-30T23:03:00.000-05:002007-11-30T23:03:00.000-05:00Oh, HBM! You'll be in my thoughts & prayers. I don...Oh, HBM! You'll be in my thoughts & prayers. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. I had the quad screen done, but would not have had an amnio (it briefly looked like my doctor would be recommending one, the lab processed my bloodwork with the wrong LMP date and came back with a number in the range of concern). I know it's not an easy decision to make. Hang in there.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12283006110065833711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-84109326586545022142007-11-30T21:19:00.000-05:002007-11-30T21:19:00.000-05:00Because I was 42 when I got pregnant for the first...Because I was 42 when I got pregnant for the first and only time, I had a CVS at 11 weeks. It was like falling off a log - we didn't think to not do it.<BR/><BR/>It really didn't hurt.Magpiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15460136246441367993noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-13448258094098159702007-11-30T20:52:00.000-05:002007-11-30T20:52:00.000-05:00My heart goes out to you.When I was in your situat...My heart goes out to you.<BR/><BR/>When I was in your situation, I was pregnant with my third daughter (first was a healthy baby, I lost my second through miscarriage due to a trisomy).<BR/><BR/>Since I already had the trisomy issue before, the news that I had an elevated risk for Downs was terribly upsetting and scary. My doctor scheduled an ultrasound specifically to scan for Downs markers first. I decided to wait for the results of the ultrasound before worrying about the amnio, which I was opposed to having because of the risk of miscarriage. And I knew I would have my baby, no matter what.<BR/><BR/>I am glad I didn't have to make the amnio decision. I do have a friend who had one with each pregnancy, and she shared with me that neither was difficult.<BR/><BR/>See if you can't have a detailed ultrasound first. You may have good news as a result and you will be able to breathe a little easier. I continued to be concerned for the duration of my pregnancy, and I think that is a normal reaction. When my daughter was born, the first thing I asked my husband was "Does she look OK?" I asked the same question of the doctor, each nurse, and even my mother who is a labor and delivery nurse. I just wanted to be sure.<BR/><BR/>My daughter was perfect.Bellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07985421877018254146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-71497867619299219982007-11-30T20:14:00.000-05:002007-11-30T20:14:00.000-05:00Oh my God. My thoughts, prayers, and tears are wi...Oh my God. My thoughts, prayers, and tears are with you. I go for my screening in a week and a half and haven't had the balls to blog about it. My husband is not in for the lovenomatterwhat and I don't know how to deal with that. Just the fact that that's the place you and your husband are will mean no matter what, your decisions will be the ones needed to be made. Thank you for your strength in sharing your experience and know you are in our hearts.Krishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02168915306406009598noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163714674327414652007-11-30T19:02:00.000-05:002007-11-30T19:02:00.000-05:00I had those tests because of my *AMA* status. The...I had those tests because of my *AMA* status. They came back "negative" and so I didn't go for the amnio. I think that if I had been in your situation, and I got a possible "positive" I'd probably go ahead and get the amnio, just to be sure.<BR/><BR/>For me, there would be no going back to relaxation at this point and I'd probably want to be as prepared as possible. Because I would imagine that no-matter-what I would keep the baby.<BR/><BR/>Know, though, that I think this qualifies as one of those things that you never really know how you'll act/react until it happens to you.the new girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02947910641549198688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-31255707830741282942007-11-30T16:19:00.000-05:002007-11-30T16:19:00.000-05:00Me, I am a big believer in knowing what you are de...Me, I am a big believer in knowing what you are dealing with, regardless of what decision you will make about it. For me, it means you can prepare. Find out about supports and get on waiting lists and figure out what special things you might need to get in place around your house. <BR/><BR/>I would also find that for me, having had the seed of worry planted, I would need to know. Otherwise I would spend the whole pregnancy too worried and fixated to relax and enjoy it. If I didn't know at all, or if I knew for sure, it would be okay, but the in between would kill me. I don't know if you are that way, too, but if you are, it would at least let you either relax or start to come to terms and prepare. <BR/><BR/>Whatever the case, I hope you have happy endings, whatever that might mean for you and your heart.kittenpiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05215443551546036909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-58413456083959171742007-11-30T15:55:00.000-05:002007-11-30T15:55:00.000-05:00HBM, I havent checked in for a while and I am so, ...HBM, I havent checked in for a while and I am so, so sorry you are going through this right now.<BR/><BR/>I didnt have the tests. I was 37, and high risk, and we did have alot of ultrasounds because they were breech twins. But I declined anything further because I knew that I would obsess and over-analyse way beyond what was healthy. So we "winged it" and we were very lucky. <BR/><BR/>FWIW, and not having read the comments above I am sure this has been said many times, I know two women who were told they were carrying Down's babies who then went on to have Amnio's, and in both cases the amnio revealed the baby did not, in fact, have Down's. But both also ended up with complications fron the amnio.Miguelitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10134489935342720776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-25255592850112115872007-11-30T12:48:00.000-05:002007-11-30T12:48:00.000-05:00I have a nephew with Down's Syndrome. I don't wri...I have a nephew with Down's Syndrome. I don't write about him because it's not my story to tell, but he is why I had an amnio.<BR/><BR/>I got the same "positive" result you did on the prenatal screenings. A 1 in 31 chance of Downs. T and I came to the same conclusion you did. The pregnancy, the baby, was so wanted, that we did not care. Perhaps the decision was a bit easier for us because we knew Sean and we knew how wonderful he was and what a blessing he was and is.<BR/><BR/>I had the amnio anyway because, as we discovered with Sean, there are some very scary health complications that can accompany Down Syndrome. Sean had to be airlifted to a hospital 200 miles away right after birth. His mother was still in the hospital.<BR/><BR/>It was terrifying.<BR/><BR/>We wanted to be prepared, both for the health implications, and in our expectations. Having a child with Down Syndrome changes your hopes and dreams for a child's future. T and I, like you, both do best with information and planning. We also wanted our families to adjust themselves to a different reality and basically get the hell over themselves *before* the baby was born.<BR/><BR/>Well, that's a lot of explanation for a test (amnio) that ultimately revealed a perfect normal genetic make-up. But it's also how we found out that Hollis was a boy.<BR/><BR/>If you'd like to talk, please email me Catherine. I know what you're going through and I'm here to listen.<BR/><BR/>StephLawyer Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06819273107327846943noreply@blogger.com