tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post4385705371563590162..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: HushHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-23095090647876166252008-12-13T14:34:00.000-05:002008-12-13T14:34:00.000-05:00each child is different. hardest and most importa...each child is different. hardest and most important lesson ever.<BR/><BR/>howabout hearing people say 'no baby ever died from crying' as i refused to let my 1st cry it out....and then with my 2nd, we went to an endocrinologist (for he was a mystery child) who said 'we have to do this cortisol test right now! if he has (insert potentially fatal illness) deficiency and he cries, he could die instantly!<BR/><BR/>needless to say, it took nearly 2 years before i could let #3 cry it out. that was 2 years without sleep.<BR/>i guess i am saying, if you have a non-sleeper, he's probably not going to change unless you really push the issue. <BR/>how many years would you like to be sleep-deprived?gwendomamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08439664476465264089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-30366079982203476472008-12-09T20:17:00.000-05:002008-12-09T20:17:00.000-05:00I'm late because I'm depressed and sad and angsty ...I'm late because I'm depressed and sad and angsty and unemployed, and whatever. But I just wanted to say, my daughter responded to a "Ferber lite" thing at 4 months and has been a champion sleeper since then. She's 8 now, and for all of the other challenges and insanities she presents, she is a Great Sleeper.<BR/><BR/>My son... not so much. He is 4 years younger than Emily, and did not sleep through the night (I'm sorry if this is depressing, but hang in there) until he was 18 months old. We tried e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, and nothing worked. He just couldn't sleep, he needed to be held more and more and more... exhausting. So, soooooo frustrating. The thoughts that would go through my head... not pretty. Not good.<BR/><BR/>But finally, we hit a wall and stopped trying to get him to sleep. We worked out a schedule so that we knew which parent would get up on any given night, so that we could stop the half-asleep nonsensical arguing, and things went smoothly for a week or so. Just long enough, I think, for our son to figure out that we weren't trying to make him sleep anymore - so he, immediately, started sleeping through the night.<BR/><BR/>He remains more of a lovebug than his sister, and still comes to snuggle me more nights than not, but he walks himself there and I can walk him back to his own room if I don't feel like having quite that much company on any given night.<BR/><BR/>So. It gets better. One size does not fit all with kids. Fish in the sea, bull by the horns, whatever cliche works.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-42577105192961558472008-12-05T09:02:00.000-05:002008-12-05T09:02:00.000-05:00I experienced the EXACT SAME THING with my two son...I experienced the EXACT SAME THING with my two sons. The first was Mr. Independent and there was NO cuddling, no swaddling, no hugs longer than a few seconds. My second son was Mr. Collic. (Shoot me.) All I could do was hold him. He cried and cried and cried for me and there was no 'cry it out little guy' like there had been with the first. None of that at all. <BR/><BR/>And you know what, at 5 and 2 1/2, they are the exact same way. "No Cuddles" and his brother "Snuggle Me Always" haven't had a change of heart yet!<BR/><BR/>Keep up the good work little mommy!Amohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05406745191755932850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-25642018861382939022008-12-04T14:16:00.000-05:002008-12-04T14:16:00.000-05:00We've been having the exact same problem and I've ...We've been having the exact same problem and I've discovered that my 6 mo. old sleeps more when he sleeps less during the day. That's not necessarily the right approach, but it seems to work for my guy. He was doing a lot of day sleep before and now we're having to transition him to different nap times. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-27889894365077996472008-12-04T00:57:00.000-05:002008-12-04T00:57:00.000-05:00My solution to this - and so far it seems to be wo...My solution to this - and so far it seems to be working - is the cosleeper. Pumpkinpie slept in the curve of my arm for a good six months, me not truly sleeping, and I remember feeling just DESPERATE. Even once in her own room, I often enough climbed into her crib with her or slept on a futon on the floor beside her. It sucked. What I'm loving with this new solution is that he is right beside me, but not in my bed exactly, so I sleep better, but when he fusses, I reach over and pat him, rest my warm hand on his belly, and that weight seems enough to settle him. It might work with Jasper, depending on how muhc ocntact he needs. That's all I can offer, because I could never stand to let my babies cry either, so I know well that feeling of being unable to let them be, no matter how much I might want to or think it's theoretically okay.kittenpiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05215443551546036909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-11869613723436365022008-12-03T22:06:00.000-05:002008-12-03T22:06:00.000-05:00I have a feeling you are doing the right thing, wh...I have a feeling you are doing the right thing, whatever you do, it is the right thing. Mothers just know how to do right by their babies. My son was more like your daughter, (thanks to hubby) we him cry a little and fuss alot. He just needed to work out his busy day and unwind by fussing before he fell asleep in his very own bed (crib). Now that he's 8, I can look at him and know I did what was right for him.Becky SIlkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10134791768227598358noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-69485943215317757042008-12-03T20:15:00.000-05:002008-12-03T20:15:00.000-05:00I agree with so many comments here, but most impor...I agree with so many comments here, but most importantly, please go with your gut. <BR/><BR/>Your mama instinct - whatever that is telling you - is right on. Now, that's not to say that it may not be hard (either way!). <BR/><BR/>Crying it out didn't work for my daughter, now 14 months. She would cry endlessly, crying herself into a hunger and exhaustion after hours of battling. But as she got older, she got better - day by day - and now she, too, goes to sleep on her own in her crib at 7:30 pm! (Of course, NAPS are NOT that simple.)<BR/><BR/>We gradually started putting her down in her crib when she was drowsy, and I can't remember what day it all fell together. It didn't continue that smoothly, and we still have hiccups - but if you do recognize your role as a parent to teach, and balance that with your role as nurturer, you will make the right decision at the right time.Jessica B. Howellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17532264912202942444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5884066971864574322008-12-03T17:44:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:44:00.000-05:00OK, so I say, as much as possible, to let him fall...OK, so I say, as much as possible, to let him fall asleep in the crib, on his own, a little drowsy after the big booby. <BR/><BR/>It has taken me to the FOURTH kid to not feel like my heart was being torn out when I heard my baby cry. But kids are like pancakes...you ruin the first one, and the rest get better.<BR/><BR/>Here is something I was told that helped me: while our babies DO need us, they also need us to TEACH them how to sleep. YOU need to sleep, and JASPER needs to sleep.It is your job as his mommy to help him.<BR/><BR/>I agree with anony way up above..this will NOT harm him in any way. It will not hurt HIM. It hurts YOU. I often wonder... perhaps we moms are the ones NEEDING in these situations.<BR/><BR/>All I can say is first night of crying lasted an hour.<BR/>Second night, 10 minutes.<BR/>Third night, no crying at all.<BR/><BR/>And this baby that NEVER slept is now 9 yrs old, and he is the first one down every night, at 7:30pm!!!!!!!!!!!<BR/><BR/>Let him cry. He needs to learn how to do this. And you will be there for him, for all of his needs, when he wakes up. And you will be rested.<BR/><BR/>xoLaurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15985522830610197074noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-40654438699551645302008-12-03T17:22:00.000-05:002008-12-03T17:22:00.000-05:00She cried. I cried. I covered my head with a pillo...She cried. I cried. I covered my head with a pillow and sobbed. We lived in a half-built cabin without doors. There was nothing to block her desperate wailing from piercing my ears at night. Her dad had to physically restrain me from getting up and going to her.<BR/><BR/>It was hard. ReALLY Hard. But so is not sleeping. One day your body will just give out and you will finally sleep while he cries.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-21978372947875219982008-12-03T14:52:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:52:00.000-05:00I'm not sure that this helps, but you still write ...I'm not sure that this helps, but you still write beautifully when you're exhausted.zipbagofboneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02845215266169983575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-62235889288223373372008-12-03T14:49:00.000-05:002008-12-03T14:49:00.000-05:00I say give it a shot!! Try and let him cry it out ...I say give it a shot!! Try and let him cry it out a little. My son had that same desperate cry and still does some times at night, but within a couple of minutes, he is out again.<BR/><BR/>I like the phrase,"...the need for a hush to be wrapped in love." That is sweet and beautiful.<BR/><BR/>And I'm a sappy turd.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-9940348828960895162008-12-03T13:00:00.000-05:002008-12-03T13:00:00.000-05:00my daughter was such an angel baby. my son would ...my daughter was such an angel baby. my son would crawl back in through my c-section scar if he could. he is currently gasping and sobbing from the pack n play 3 feet away while i have the nerve to eat a tuna sandwich without him on my lap. child looses his mind if i am not holding him.<BR/>great. here come the dry heave of baby cry exhaustion.<BR/>good times.<BR/><BR/>p.s. if you learn how do un-co-sleep please share.litanyofbritthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15680156235556309762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61327348306501806442008-12-03T12:42:00.000-05:002008-12-03T12:42:00.000-05:00Laura - our night-time routine is pretty straighfo...Laura - our night-time routine is pretty straighforward. Dinner (he isn't taking much solid food yet, but we try), bath, jammies, booby. He doesn't (ordinarily) fall asleep at the breast, and usually goes down in his crib drowsy but awake. We sometimes still swaddle him if he's flail-y; recent nights while he's been congested we've had to put him down in his swing, because being on his back is uncomfortable due to congestion.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-37734850981046112552008-12-03T12:04:00.000-05:002008-12-03T12:04:00.000-05:00OK, so I am NO expert...HOWEVER, I do have FOUR ki...OK, so I am NO expert...HOWEVER, I do have FOUR kids, all different, and I have done it all. SO, my question for you is this:<BR/><BR/>how does he go to sleep at night? I know he goes down well, but HOW? DO you nurse him to sleep? Does he fall asleep on his own?Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15985522830610197074noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-55365707167366911422008-12-03T11:59:00.000-05:002008-12-03T11:59:00.000-05:00I haven't read all the comments, but I have to say...I haven't read all the comments, but I have to say that your post summed up my 9 month old son to a T. He sleeps wonderfully with either my husband or I, and will even go into the crib for awhile, but will not stay there the night. He wakes up and cries desperately, just like you say. I have no other children to compare him to, but every cell in my body says it's wrong to leave him there to whip himself into a frenzy. It's worse now that he can pull himself up because he stands in the crib, screaming, with this horrible look of terror and fear on his face. We've tried letting him cry and he just won't settle. It just gets worse. What we've been doing lately is starting him in his crib, then my husband sleeps on a mattress next to the crib, often with our son in his arms. At least he's getting used to his room, he's not nursing during the night anymore (which he will still do if he's next to me), and I'm getting more sleep than I have in a year. <BR/><BR/>I think what you say about your daughter and son, and this body of comments in general really highlights that there are a lot of individual differences in what babies need. And really, at 6 months, babies pretty much just have needs. Not all babies are "wired" the same. And if Jasper turns 10 years old and still can't sleep, it's just as likely because he's wired differently as it because you couldn't let him CIO. And your daughter might always sleep well because that's how she's made, not because you could let her cry. I think we need to trust ourselves as mothers to respond to our children and not worry as much about what other people think of our parenting. <BR/><BR/>Which doesn't really get you any more sleep. Could he sleep with your husband for awhile? Good luck to you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-22589334728637081562008-12-03T00:24:00.000-05:002008-12-03T00:24:00.000-05:00I can't answer this for you, just like I can't ans...I can't answer this for you, just like I can't answer how I let my tiny boy sleep with us, when I never, EVER let the girls.<BR/><BR/>All I know is you'll know when you can let him cry for a bit. But Catherine, you need some sleep. maybe, just maybe you could let your husband try it? Go to a movie, take a walk, sleep in the car for a while and see if your husband being there with Jasper crying makes a difference? Maybe you don't have to be the one to help him learn to self sooth to sleep.<BR/><BR/>I can't seem to figure it out myself, but this baby of mine is different. Maybe it's because he's a boy, maybe I'm different. No idea really. But I already find myself doing things with him that I never did before.Issahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11309906249557761472noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-77694388322238089182008-12-03T00:11:00.000-05:002008-12-03T00:11:00.000-05:00I'm sorry that I can't take the time tonight to re...I'm sorry that I can't take the time tonight to read all of the posts above, but I did want to add a little thought... something that worked really well to help our daughter learn to self-soothe was her "lovey" or "comfort object" (whatever you want to call it!)<BR/><BR/>Hers is a stuffed cow that, starting at about 6 months, I laid it on the pillow with her while she was breastfeeding at bedtime and then I would put her into her bed with the cow. She loves that thing still (she's almost 3) and it is definitely still a help to her when she's calming down to go to sleep. Maybe having that with him might be something with your scent, and might help him stay a little calmer?<BR/><BR/>P.S. I never sleep when our girl is/was in our bed (except when she was tiny). Once she learned to kick, and spread-eagle herself to take up the most room possible, I knew she had to learn to stay in her own bed!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-70886835598750599542008-12-02T22:55:00.000-05:002008-12-02T22:55:00.000-05:00coolteamblt - that *is* a little spirit lifter ;)coolteamblt - that *is* a little spirit lifter ;)Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-212806522033122022008-12-02T22:50:00.000-05:002008-12-02T22:50:00.000-05:00My first son cried to be loosed, my second cries t...My first son cried to be loosed, my second cries to be held, even now, he is 4 and the older one is 5.5 and honestly, nothing has changed. I was sick for 3 or 4 days last week and when I emerged from the bed of illness, all he wanted to do was sit on me, hold me, wallow on me, be with me.....so I say, you will recover, seek help so you can get some sleep and hold that little guy!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-63260291809444186462008-12-02T22:17:00.000-05:002008-12-02T22:17:00.000-05:00hi! two weeks ago my husband and i, after many man...hi! two weeks ago my husband and i, after many many nights without sleep, made the decision to let our six month old CIO. it was the worst few days of my life. i felt like my heart was being ripped out nerve by nerve. it was awful. but we got through it. and our baby girl now sleeps!! we made a commitment before we started that if we were going to do it - we had to be consistent and persistent -- otherwise there would be no sense in putting our baby girl or ourselves through it. well, all in all it was one of the worst things i've ever done, but it actually worked out well for us. like someone already said - it's probably not for every mom or every baby. <BR/>needless to say, i feel your desire for sleep and wish you the best in getting at least a little bit of rest.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-60162544356704550702008-12-02T21:17:00.000-05:002008-12-02T21:17:00.000-05:00Dear friend, I take it night by blessed night. Som...Dear friend, I take it night by blessed night. Some nights I feel like an abject failure, others I feel delirious with can-do'ness. Seems like the best we can do is cling tight and try and stay in the game.<BR/><BR/>I saw you holding that sweet boy with the name I had reserved if Fin had been a boy, you love. You are doing it all as right as you can, which is perfect. <BR/><BR/>Believe.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05864631532886681402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-82584848067776745152008-12-02T20:57:00.000-05:002008-12-02T20:57:00.000-05:00I don't know what to tell you. I am in a similar ...I don't know what to tell you. I am in a similar situation and all I can say is hang in there. Things have to get better....right?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-20726297610129386802008-12-02T19:32:00.000-05:002008-12-02T19:32:00.000-05:00Christie D, my sister and I sound a lot like your ...Christie D, my sister and I sound a lot like your kids, in that order, too. However, neither of us were CIO. We're just different. <BR/><BR/>I slept through the night at six weeks, I would put myself to bed, and I still sleep like a champion. My sister is five years younger than me, and she still doesn't sleep well. She slept all the way through the night for the first time at five years old. She's always needed someone there. If my mother couldn't be there when she fell asleep, she would beg me to sit with her, or she would crawl into bed with me. She's a few months shy of eighteen, and she still sleeps in my parents' bed if my dad is on a business trip. She also keeps her baby blanket in her pillow case, and she sleeps with her teddy bear, too. I think it's just different personalities. <BR/><BR/>Catherine, something that makes me smile that might help just a teeeeeny bit: I'm Katherine, my sister is Amelia, and when my mother was pregnant with me, she called me Jasper. Amelia was called Tonto until she was born.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-55704397939964479612008-12-02T19:28:00.000-05:002008-12-02T19:28:00.000-05:00two more things... i just saw in the comments that...two more things... <BR/><BR/>i just saw in the comments that he's not so into the solids... my 2nd wasn't at first either. it took a good two weeks before he started liking cereal. not sure how long you've been doing it, but i thought that was worth mentioning. also, he NEVER liked rice cereal - we ended up switching to oatmeal made with breastmilk.<BR/><BR/>ALSO - i second the white noise thing for him AND you. i have a mini clip-on fan in baby's room about three feet from the crib (facing away from it) and he sleeps SO much better when it's on.<BR/><BR/>ok, i know you're inundated, so i'll stop now :-)Aprilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15915351322324269632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-38981526900571508282008-12-02T19:15:00.000-05:002008-12-02T19:15:00.000-05:00i can't tell you what you SHOULD do, but i can tel...i can't tell you what you SHOULD do, but i can tell you what has worked for us. sort of. <BR/><BR/>my second child too is much more needy in the night-time sleeping department. he never slept in the bed with me, but always close and i would tend to him as soon as he cried. at 6 months he was still getting up every 2 hours throughout the night to nurse (and not napping during the day) - i was sleeping in his room and was an absolute walking zombie. not the best thing when you've got two under two to contend with all day (did i say two too many times???).<BR/><BR/>anybutt, finally at six months, hubby took over and let him CIO. (i hid on the other end of the house with LOTS of white noise) it took about 4 days and many hours of crying, but he finally started sleeping through the night. he's still NOT an amazing sleeper like my 2yo, but he's getting better. he cries at night about once a week now and rarely for more than ten minutes (he's 8mo now). <BR/><BR/>the cio saved my sanity. seriously. like i said, i'm not telling you what to do, bc it's a totally personal decision - but this is what worked for us.<BR/><BR/>best of luck :-)Aprilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15915351322324269632noreply@blogger.com