tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post3096977181834494644..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: Rebel AngelHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-23901263589517261222009-01-08T18:11:00.000-05:002009-01-08T18:11:00.000-05:00I don't have kids (so discount this if you want) b...I don't have kids (so discount this if you want) but have babysat and taught religious school a lot. One thing that's worked for me when a kid's getting in trouble with an item (can't share a toy, can't stop stealing cookies, etc.) is to put the OBJECT in time-out, rather than the KID. (say "wow! it looks like you're having trouble using that properly!" and put it on top of the fridge or something). <BR/><BR/>I also agree with the idea of not buying cookies for a while.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04980588212969653827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-62809623730881122072009-01-07T00:00:00.000-05:002009-01-07T00:00:00.000-05:00I'm new here. But your Emelia is like my Emma....I'm new here. But your Emelia is like my Emma. I always said Emma's motto in life is run first, think later. She's fearless & can look deep into my eyes like I'm a piece of shit that she can live without. She once sat in time out for 45 min as a 2 yo because she refused to pick up the cheerios she dumped out of her bowl. (Yes, I know it's a minute per year old. but it wasn't working. I'd take her out of time out & try to even help her pick up the cereal and she'd refuse. So I'd put her back in.) I insisted she pick it up & put it in the bowl. Know what she did - she ate it off the floor when I was out of the room. Looking at me like "it's not in the bowl, take that you..." <BR/><BR/> I've used time outs and smacked hands and spanked butts. But the most effective thing for me has been to remove her from me. "You've lost your turn to be with mommy. It makes me sad when you do this. It hurts my feelings, etc. You can't be with me until you follow the rules." Then I'll make her sit somewhere she can't see me. It kills her. TIme out seemed to not be a big deal to her for quite some time. But losing time with me was key. Turned her behavior around very quickly. Good Luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-84384415246818810552009-01-06T14:43:00.000-05:002009-01-06T14:43:00.000-05:00Egg TimerLove & LogicHappiest Toddler on the B...Egg Timer<BR/>Love & Logic<BR/>Happiest Toddler on the Block<BR/>Counting<BR/>Choices<BR/>Timeouts in her room (taking away your company)<BR/><BR/>If you say no more cookies, throw them in the trash and don't buy/make more. Show her you are serious. Then catch her doing something good and say "Yay the cookies can home back to the house!"<BR/><BR/>"Pay attention to what you like, and ignore/discourage the rest."<BR/><BR/>Mine is only 2.5 but she does all this stuff too. I can't wait till 3.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-4383538622576846832009-01-05T03:39:00.000-05:002009-01-05T03:39:00.000-05:00I don't want to scare you but watching the videos ...I don't want to scare you but watching the videos reminds me that this child of yours is so much like my oldest. She was just too gifted and I believe had to create challenges in everything she did to amuse herself. Get ready for a rough ride. She could be quite charming and had all of her teachers enthralled with her giftedness, which allowed her to get by with many shenanigans she shouldn't have. BTW she is 34 now and mother of two beautiful children and a software engineer, still able to pull the wool over her boss' eyes. Your little Emelia is just one who is too smart to toe the line! love your blog.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582121829922680461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-6973194789851390282009-01-04T19:37:00.000-05:002009-01-04T19:37:00.000-05:00A lot of people resist establishing routines with ...A lot of people resist establishing routines with the first child, but when the second comes along, the value of routine and discipline becomes clear. <BR/><BR/>Let's face it, it's a lot easier to parent when you don't have to convince your child to bathe and go to bed. Trust me. It's a good thing when the answer to the question "Why do I go to bed at 8:00?" is "Because 8:00 is bed time!"<BR/><BR/>I have an 11 and 13 year old and your daughter is the perfect age to do 1-2-3 Magic. There is a book and a video--you should check them out. <BR/><BR/>You might look into it and think "it's like training a dog." And it is. But for her own safety's sake, you must establish a hierarchy. She must understand who is boss. <BR/><BR/>It's also a good thing for the sake of your sanity. Who needs to explain that 8:00 is bed time every single night?Poppy B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01532483657395207695noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-22964441959841365622009-01-03T11:49:00.000-05:002009-01-03T11:49:00.000-05:00Wow.The good thing is, that they finally get the i...Wow.<BR/><BR/>The good thing is, that they finally get the idea about rules by the second or third time they get arrested.Gunfighterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05762432006297768871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-33014840293267010672009-01-03T02:05:00.000-05:002009-01-03T02:05:00.000-05:00OMG, I stumbled across your blog and LMAO right no...OMG, I stumbled across your blog and LMAO right now at this post. It's as if I could have written it myself. I too have a fiesty 3 yo by the name of Emilia, who is by the sounds of it, your Emilia's twin. Just want you to know, you are not alone, and perhaps the name is the problem? LOLCrystlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07035504240551321348noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8448604029959562902009-01-02T20:34:00.000-05:002009-01-02T20:34:00.000-05:00Piling on:favorite toys banished to the penalty bo...Piling on:<BR/><BR/>favorite toys banished to the penalty box [top of the wardrobe or attic] for various amounts of time depending on infraction, but you have to announce the time up front and follow through;<BR/><BR/>my sitter used to punish us by having us stand on one foot, no hands with our nose touching the wall - it takes about 2 seconds for an active kid to become compliant - and you can use it anywhere! [bonus!]<BR/><BR/>we've found the counting method effective, too.<BR/><BR/>Hang in there . . .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-76553541202325935612009-01-01T21:16:00.000-05:002009-01-01T21:16:00.000-05:00Are you still reading these comments? LOL. There...Are you still reading these comments? LOL. There is a lot of info here.<BR/><BR/>1-2-3 Magic is great. Hitting = automatic time out. Consistency is the absolute key (along with non-emotion.) Choice giving between two favorable (to you) options and I agree with Bea re: the environmental solutions.<BR/><BR/>Often times, too, kids who are able to 'hold it together' outside the home or in school do so because there is increased structure in those places...adding some consistent structure, schedule, etc. can also be helpful.the new girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02947910641549198688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-80707396137554738362008-12-30T22:14:00.000-05:002008-12-30T22:14:00.000-05:00I have a long winded story to tell that ends with ...I have a long winded story to tell that ends with the fact that my MIL, who definitely believed in spanking as a parent, decided after earning a degree in pyschology, that spanking was bad. After watching several of her friends that earned those degrees with her raise their now teenage children with only timeouts as discipline, she has re-thought her stance on spanking. <BR/><BR/>My children only earned swats for very bad behavior and only after at least one warning. <BR/><BR/>But I will also advise you, that you have to find the right "reward" to remove. No cookies isn't working...it takes time, but you have to find that item. For my oldest, as a school age child, it was making her go to soccer practice, dressed for school, and watch practice. Just missing practice wasn't enough...she would have just entertained herself some other way. She was required to participate whenever the coach talked to team, but she was not allowed to actually participate in the running and kicking. And when someone asked why, she had to explain. I'm sure that someone will talk about how we demoralized and embarassed her, but after the third time of her getting into some pretty serious trouble at school, we had to find what worked. TV, Treats, etc didn't work, but this did. <BR/><BR/>Good luck. And while it probaby isn't that comforting, most children do act much worse at home, where they feel more secure. The fact that she is willing to be so willful speaks to how secure she feels in your love.Mamalanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00200657325831762553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5339665291127989202008-12-30T13:25:00.000-05:002008-12-30T13:25:00.000-05:00Talked to a friend of mine, a mother of a 3 year o...Talked to a friend of mine, a mother of a 3 year old, about this. Immediate and final consequences. "If you do not stop X rotten behaviour, that toy right there is going in the garbage." Behaviour doesn't stop. Toy gets picked up, marched to bin, goes in garbage. "Nooooo Mommy nooooooo I'm sorry Mommy noooooooo!" doesn't matter. Toy/book/whatever in garbage. Permanently. And it works. Behaviour stops and generally doesn't recur.zchamuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00267244891500316634noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-64341432872424067322008-12-29T20:24:00.000-05:002008-12-29T20:24:00.000-05:00Interesting reading you've got here. I notice tha...Interesting reading you've got here. I notice that there are two schools of thought: <BR/><BR/>(1) the Discipline Boot Camp approach of stripping all privileges and starting a new regime using any one of a variety of methods (the most popular of which seems to be the one-warning-only rule)<BR/><BR/>(2) the Pick Your Battles approach of letting the unimportant things slide and focusing your energy on one problem at a time.<BR/><BR/>I prefer the second approach - it was the one I was taught at a behaviour management seminar I attended last summer. As much as possible, look for environmental solutions (locks on cupboards, no cookies in the house, etc.). That done, address one behaviour at a time. The behaviour analysts were (unsurprisingly) really interested in documentation: keep track of exactly when and how often the behaviour occurs and then look for patterns. If the hitting always occurs at mealtime, try the scrambled eggs approach. Once you've decided on your strategy, all that record-keeping can also show you if your strategy is working. <BR/><BR/>Personally, I've never actually done the record-keeping because it seemed like a lot of effort. But I like the idea in theory - and I like the idea of becoming more lax in as many areas as possible and focusing all your disciplinary energy on one thing so that you're not suddenly turning your house into a police state.Beahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15957626443087438904noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-77665966928786103862008-12-29T16:41:00.001-05:002008-12-29T16:41:00.001-05:00I'm behind, but had to comment.This post completel...I'm behind, but had to comment.<BR/><BR/>This post completely freaks me out, because it really sounds like BooBaaa, our now 21 month old, in soooo many ways. We're already struggling with Mr Spirited Plus, and I can't even imagine what he's going to be like by the time he hits three. Heck, he already thinks he's three like his brother!ewe are herehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13339650361453626546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-56431843226977203322008-12-29T16:41:00.000-05:002008-12-29T16:41:00.000-05:00I'm behind, but had to comment.This post completel...I'm behind, but had to comment.<BR/><BR/>This post completely freaks me out, because it really sounds like BooBaaa, our now 21 month old, in soooo many ways. We're already struggling with Mr Spirited Plus, and I can't even imagine what he's going to be like by the time he hits three. Heck, he already thinks he's three like his brother!ewe are herehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13339650361453626546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-37700994319806964302008-12-29T16:38:00.000-05:002008-12-29T16:38:00.000-05:00Wonderfully written, despite how absolutely madden...Wonderfully written, despite how absolutely maddening this must be.<BR/><BR/>I'm no expert. Far, far from it. I've only just managed to figure out how to deal with my own little darling; and all children are their own people with their own issues and wants and needs.<BR/><BR/>But if I found you in my situation, I might decide to spend every single bit of my energy for several weeks, knowing it would be hard and horrible and that I would cry nearly every night, making sure she understood that Mommy and Daddy are to be listened to. And I would probably do this by instituting a policy of one warning, then time out. Three minutes, since she is three years old. Three minutes at every time out, and if she gets out of that chair and goes right back to it, another three minutes. I would require an apology after time out. I would make sure that the little time that she wasn't in time out she would have hugs and kisses and love, love love.... but that if she broke the rules? Time out.<BR/><BR/>I would also spend every moment that she wasn't in time out making sure to tell her what I DID like about what she was doing. Sitting and playing quietly? I'd tell her that Mommy is proud that she is sitting and playing quietly like a big girl. Holding hands in the parking lot? I'd praise it. And I'd try to show her, with every fiber of my being, that if she wants Mommy and Daddy's attention and approval at home, that means following rules. <BR/><BR/>Oh, so much easier said than done. So, so much easier to type here, where there is no screaming in my ear (at the moment)... but that's my advice. Know that it will be hard, but you and your husband could resolve to dedicate yourself to this one task. Forget laundry and housework and fun activities... just this one thing. <BR/><BR/>If you get desperate enough, it might be worth a try. And it might work. <BR/><BR/>Most of all... know deep in your heart that for how stubborn she seems.. you can win! You can prevail! you are older, wiser, more stubborn than she! If you believe it, she'll feel it... and she'll respond.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16649638235083533810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-46975262291786912682008-12-28T22:18:00.000-05:002008-12-28T22:18:00.000-05:00I have two boys who are older, and when they start...I have two boys who are older, and when they start acting all crazy we make them do pushups until they cant push anymore. I just read on Twitter that someone said your buckle chair was violent or whatever, so I am sure my option sounds like Gitmo. That being said, it works on older boys. They really hate pushups. And the bonus is if anyone messes with them on the playground I am quite sure they can hit harder.<BR/><BR/>Parenting at its finest.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-39513908970604419072008-12-28T21:05:00.000-05:002008-12-28T21:05:00.000-05:00First of all let me say, you have made my year. F...First of all let me say, you have made my year. Finding your blog, and being able to read about you and your world, have let me know that I am not alone, that at least in one spot on this world, there is another little three year old girl, so much like my own, that I am sure they must be twins.<BR/><BR/>So that being said, I do not have any answers for you. I too have tried the cycle of EVERYTHING! I have tried just to remind myself that I believe that God put some wonderful traits in my daughter, and someday, with his help, she will grow into a beautiful woman, one who is strong, and will do a great many wonderful things. And in the mean time, I try to see, and enjoy those moments when she is peacefull, and happy. I treasure those moments and try to bring them back to mind when my little tyrant is waling against the injustace that I impose upon her. :-)Booba Juicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02893124919568283507noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-67900847668983974272008-12-28T10:50:00.000-05:002008-12-28T10:50:00.000-05:00My mom says that the best way to calm a kid down i...My mom says that the best way to calm a kid down is to catch them being good and reward them for it, and the best way to stop them being bad, unless it is a physical emergency (they are running out in front of a car), is to turn your back on them. It may have worked - I'm extremely well behaved : ). I'm sure it isn't going to fix everything, but it might be a tool for your arsenal. My heart goes out to you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-7546219834185127092008-12-27T20:02:00.000-05:002008-12-27T20:02:00.000-05:00Sorry, I'm late to the party because I've been bus...Sorry, I'm late to the party because I've been busy salving the wounds inflicted by my spirited 2.5 year old. She's not so physically wily as Emilia, but she's STRONG and has that same will.<BR/><BR/>Hon, we're going through exactly the same thing, and reacting in the same ways. I won't give you advice. I'll just say, hell, me too and pass the egg nog.Mimihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10812707312289852258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-87428770997011652552008-12-27T14:50:00.000-05:002008-12-27T14:50:00.000-05:00I'm with Jan above me. Delurking to say that yes, ...I'm with Jan above me. Delurking to say that yes, there is such a world as a place with no more cookies or other treats. Just don't buy them, and when the people in cafes or other places offer them, say no thank you. If you have to have treats in the house, lock them up. If she sees you stay up, tell her too bad, different rules for grown ups.<BR/><BR/>I have three very willful boys, 12, 8 and a new baby just about the same age as your son. Your daughter sounds the same as my sons at that age, so we got rid of everything in the house that was a treat, took all the stuff out of his room, and if he hit or threw a tantrum, he lost all fun and privileges. <BR/><BR/>ALL of them.<BR/><BR/>It was very very hard, but we never allowed him to win, because we knew we'd be dead meat if he ever did. You are going to have to go right back to the start, and just make some rules and enforce them, no mercy, no nothing. And why is there any kind of stash in her room? Children do not have the right to privacy when it comes to health and safety. Search her room, regularly. Start now and you won't have to figure out how when she becomes a teen, cause trust me, you'll be searching it when she turns 13.<BR/><BR/>This may sound harsh but I got my parenting philosophies from Barbara Coloroso. You should get her books. Then follow the advice.<BR/><BR/>If you let this go on like it is, you are in for a nightmare later on. If she thinks she is in charge, she will run roughshod over you for her entire life. It killed me when the first kid cried and wept and demanded their own way, but I steeled myself and now he asks politely. I laughed when the second kid threw a tantrum. Puh-lease. Much easier to say no when you are used to it.<BR/><BR/>And now they are both incredibly polite, nice kids. They have their moments and I blog about it, but those really are the only times they misbehave.<BR/><BR/>On a separate note, I meant to email you, because I am adopted and found my birth mother, and I know you are going through some issues like this. If you would like some help, or just want to chat, please email me. (I promise not to be so bossy on that subject!)Aureliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13691032415028867902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-2683446414120658552008-12-26T23:18:00.000-05:002008-12-26T23:18:00.000-05:00Some thoughts from someone who has worked for more...Some thoughts from someone who has worked for more than 25 years in the field of child development with kids from birth - school-age: You say you are helpless a couple times in this post. Your child may be picking up on this and using it to her advantage. You are not helpless- you are bigger than her. Keep it simple. Pick a few important rules and stick to them. Don't ask Please or tell her she "must" do something- kids don't feel they "must" do anything and they have all the time in the world to resist you. Don't beg her to behave. It should be "if/then: if you do this, then this will happen. This applies to good and bad behavior. Don't buy any more cookies, then there will be no need for her to drag a chair over and get them. She can have them at parties and from Santa, because there will always be cookies. I know I am making this sound simple but it is not. I struggle with my own boy at times and I had been working with kids for 20 years before I had him. Some kids are tougher than others and it may always be hard for your girl to accept limits. But don't give up. Good Luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-41743419470105124722008-12-26T21:29:00.000-05:002008-12-26T21:29:00.000-05:00Oh wow, do I ever relate to this post. The "discip...Oh wow, do I ever relate to this post. The "disciplining" is constant, and I don't have a solid game plan. We do the threats, the bribes, the "time out." One thing that tends to work well -- that a friend of mine insists on -- is the "1 - 2 - 3." This gives them a little time to act out, and then they know that when "3" comes 'round, we mean business. It usually works. All I have to do, if she doesn't behave by "3" is shut her door if we're in her room (even if I'm there, she hates it), or I put her on her time out chair.... The threat of time out seems to work well for us. <BR/><BR/>But, it is exhausting. I feel like I'm constantly chasing her....Bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07516203764767040649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-73785942084883816442008-12-26T13:20:00.000-05:002008-12-26T13:20:00.000-05:00Ditto what April said. Humor can diffuse a bad sit...Ditto what April said. Humor can diffuse a bad situation pretty quick, and now, all of a sudden, they WANT to pay attention to what you are saying and doing.<BR/><BR/>The only problem is sometimes we just don't have it in us to be funny. We just want the kids to straighten up and OBEY, darn it!<BR/><BR/>My husband is better at this than I am... but I am so glad he is able to do it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-67090246165824566822008-12-26T10:41:00.000-05:002008-12-26T10:41:00.000-05:00My now five year old daughter was a nightmare! The...My now five year old daughter was a nightmare! The ages of 2 to 4 are a blur of tears, yelling, and time-outs. Do you know what worked? Age...she's grown up and everything is clicking into place. She now instructs my youngest on the proper social behavior and offers gentle reminders of the expectations. I can't believe it, but I find her downright edible now!!!<BR/><BR/>What did work, at least for my husband, was to act like a total incompetent dote. He would pretend he didn't know how to put his pants on and throw himself in the floor. He would pretend the pants were flying in circles all around the floor and told my daughter there was no way she could tame the pants and jump into them. He killed her with humor and it TOTALLY WORKED! But, alas, when I do all the preparation and have 15 minutes to get out the door with three kids...Let's just say I can't call on the spirit of Steve Martin in the jerk to get us there faster. I bet you guys are doing an excellent job with your child. If you just keep hammering away, letting her know the expectations, behaving reasonably yourselves, the rest will fall into place. As I said I have three kids and my middle just took a while longer for things to *CLicK*!<BR/><BR/>Dinner time was the only thing she actually was good at. Our rule at home is we say a blessing (it DOES NOT have to be of christian origin) just the out loud proclamation that the meal is before you and you are thankful). This signified the start of the meal. Then all bets were off. Their food was left there and they could choose to run around or eat. Most kids aren't able to sit still, they eat when they are hungry. Sometimes they'd only take a few bites and run around, never to finish the meal. BUT we never fought them on it. When we went out they always behave. They know that the rules are different for a public place and it's easy to communicate that when we're so lenient in this one area in the privacy of our home. IF they decide they want to act up. I take them in the bathroom stall and sit on the toilet holding them as they kick and scream while I repeatedly use my jedi mind trick of repeating the sentence "we will sit in here until you are able to sit at our table and behave" on a continual loop. They don't like that much and straighten out quick. <BR/><BR/>My grandfather used to say...there's nothing wrong with that child that growing up won't fix! You lay the foundation through modeling and reminders and it will work out! Keep on trucking, many of us know your pain!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-82840106341042366832008-12-26T09:20:00.000-05:002008-12-26T09:20:00.000-05:00Catherine - I didn't have time to read all the...Catherine - I didn't have time to read all the other commentors, so sorry if you are getting duplicate assvice here. Our Henry (4 now) is extremely strong willed - had to be to survive some early health issues - like you we know it is a gift of sorts, but it is a gift that regularly kicks our ass as parents. We have two other much less strong willed children. It is like a bad comedy routine around here. With him, we feel incompetent often. He rages against the machine at home & complies fairly easily at school. <BR/><BR/>One book did help - Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Harvey Karp - it may sound too young for Emilia, but it goes through age 4. <BR/><BR/>Like you we avoid what battles we can, but still end up standing on our heads to get him to eat dinner, but we have a few tricks that work - a timer for dinner, so we don't have talk about it every night. If the timer beeps & dinner is uneaten, there is no bedtime story. It is now a fact of life, not a mommy & daddy idea...does that makes sense? <BR/>The book is clearer than I am on the day after the Christmas frenzy & joy, but email me if you want to about it. It saved our but when we couldn't potty train him or get him to eat anything but a cereal bar for two months....oh and also when he kept climbing the window casings...good times, as the old ladies at church remind me "treasure these years." We are trying.Karenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09390898429089863816noreply@blogger.com