tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post2307905687140137758..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: Let Me Know When I Am DoneHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-42512988000303827632009-02-04T11:05:00.000-05:002009-02-04T11:05:00.000-05:00What a sweet picture. I don't know how you know w...What a sweet picture. I don't know how you know when you are done. I assume that I will have one more, but maybe I will feel complete and fulfilled with just my one. Ugh...weird to think about!Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17408462028112937758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-69074740623287378302009-01-14T22:55:00.000-05:002009-01-14T22:55:00.000-05:00Sometimes I am a little bitter that we feel we hav...Sometimes I am a little bitter that we feel we have to make decisions like this nowadays. I don't think that came out quite right and I am not sure exactly how to express it but I just mean... That "back in the day" people just had children when they had children. Now it's constantly on our minds (well mine anyway) as to whether or not more is a good idea or not. It's a tough one for our household. I'm on the fence, my husband says "no" and the debate continues... <BR/><BR/>Part of me always imagined my family with three and part of me wants my boys to have another sibling. But then I know I am lucky to have the two beautiful boys that are already in my life. It's a toughie I tell ya. Good luck with your decision making... : )Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01044279582701415786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-45734471547436385722009-01-14T22:31:00.000-05:002009-01-14T22:31:00.000-05:00I might be your only commenter without kids, but I...I might be your only commenter without kids, but I just want to say thank you for this post and all of them before. I'm 29, happily dating and hoping to have a few little ones in the next decade. Your amazingly well-written posts are lovely insights into all the ups and downs of mommyness. I admire you, I envy you; even the sleepless nights look good to me sometimes. I second a fellow commenter who suggested Daniel Gilbert's Stumbling on Happiness (Get it on Audible.com for your ipod and listen in the car, if need be) because it's truly insightful. And remember that life will bring you what you're supposed to have, and the skills to deal with all of it, so long as you remain open and trust yourself. Good luck figuring this one out!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-5782481269335062962009-01-14T20:16:00.000-05:002009-01-14T20:16:00.000-05:00this is such a wonderful post. I have 3 children (...this is such a wonderful post. I have 3 children (7, 2, and 1) and the last two where so UN-planned... lol <BR/><BR/>and even though I struggle with how active they are, I would love to have another one, maybe... I think, we'll see. <BR/><BR/>I say, whatever will be will be. Just know that when the times right, all you're going to be is blessed.<BR/><BR/>Cheers,<BR/><BR/>http://www.thecocktailcafe.com<BR/>A mix of mom talk with a splash of styleUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01986554879293615027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-39786876944918199242009-01-13T19:38:00.000-05:002009-01-13T19:38:00.000-05:00I kind of skimmed through the rest of the comments...I kind of skimmed through the rest of the comments, and want to say this: there's a big difference between a comment that "dissents" and a comment that attacks. A dissenter says, "No, I disagree with the point you made; I think this way instead." An attacker says, "I can't bear to listen to you; you are impossible; can't you get it together? What's wrong with you? STOP BEING WHO YOU ARE because I DON'T LIKE IT!" Attackers are almost 100% anonymous. This is why anonymous commenters get a poor reputation.<BR/><BR/>The problem with anonymous comments is that people tend to attack in a way they wouldn't if they were connected to any kind of identity at all. (It doesn't have to be a blog identity; a commenting identity is good too.) I think it's a good exercise to write an "Anonymous" comment with your information filled in, knowing you could accidentally post it, forgetting to change it to Anonymous. It definitely changes the tone of the comment, knowing your name might be connected to it.Swistlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13126937282657655091noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-8040787655344500002009-01-13T19:20:00.000-05:002009-01-13T19:20:00.000-05:00I am ALWAYS up for a talk about family planning (n...I am ALWAYS up for a talk about family planning (not the birth control method, though I can talk about that too, but about the whole "another baby or not?" question. I love it. I love the magic feeling of it---that this could be changed. That there's a totally unknown baby we could call into existence and then not be able to imagine being without! It's so interesting to think, "Are we happier here? Would we be happier there?"---in part because there's no way to answer it. I love thinking about it and wondering about it.<BR/><BR/>I had two babies, and then I had twins. Our basic plan had been to stop at four, and so then we were Done. And then we had an unexpected pregnancy, and I look at him all the time with joy and wonder, thinking, "We didn't plan you!! You wouldn't be here!!"---and it makes me so happy, but also gives me a feeling of horror about the wonderful baby we're NOT having.Swistlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13126937282657655091noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-44260012401194287072009-01-13T12:38:00.000-05:002009-01-13T12:38:00.000-05:00we are done.as much as i'd like to have a brother ...we are done.<BR/>as much as i'd like to have a brother for Josh, my family just FEELS complete. AND i don't think i could handle another pregnancy/delivery/recovery.<BR/>i'm excited to move on past the baby stage into the next stage!<BR/><BR/>i have an iud, though...because you NEVER know ;)Alihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11127692699186571544noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-12640565234936248102009-01-13T11:36:00.000-05:002009-01-13T11:36:00.000-05:00Sorry, can't read all the comments cause I'm at wo...Sorry, can't read all the comments cause I'm at work (albeit not for long..). While I think that the anonymous commenter had some valid points - about children, not about you - I thought he/she could have toned down on the nasty just a bit. It's your blog. If he/she doesn't like it, DON'T READ IT. And play nice. It's possible to be constructive without belittling. Sorry, I'm on a soapbox today.<BR/><BR/>What I really wanted to say was, man - you write the blog posts that are in my head. Only you do it much better than I ever could. I wonder why I have a blog sometimes. Maybe my blog should just link to yours and say "What she said."<BR/><BR/>And seriously? Call the Sleep Doula. She helps. Best money we ever spent.Run ANChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06088821030860597465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-45928570311956486462009-01-12T17:34:00.000-05:002009-01-12T17:34:00.000-05:00I want another, possibly two more if I am honest w...I want another, possibly two more if I am honest with myself. My husband is done at 2, and only then if it happens in the next 3 years. We do want to actually TRY for number 2, though. It sounds like fun!<BR/><BR/>If the whole money thing doesn't work out though, in the next 3 years, we will just have the one. We can't responsibly have another on our income.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-39689030653061542752009-01-12T16:10:00.000-05:002009-01-12T16:10:00.000-05:00Oh, sorry. Fertility Awareness Method. AKA Sympto-...Oh, sorry. Fertility Awareness Method. AKA Sympto-Thermal Method AKA NFP (Natural Family Planning)MOmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06064918097253620269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-31999505147358514482009-01-12T16:06:00.000-05:002009-01-12T16:06:00.000-05:00MOm - waiting for the yearning is good advice. But...MOm - waiting for the yearning is good advice. But, what's FAM?<BR/><BR/>(Also, you'd be surprised by how many of us here are on the shady side of 35. It's part of the issue for me - if we were to have another one, we couldn't really wait all that long)Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-4761848659587147982009-01-12T15:55:00.000-05:002009-01-12T15:55:00.000-05:00I am guessing that most of the commenters here are...I am guessing that most of the commenters here are on the sunny-side of 35. <BR/>Well, speaking from the other side of 50 I can tell you that almost everyone who hears that I have six, says "OMG you're so lucky!" They go on to explain that i) they wanted more but spouse didn't or ii) they thought they were sure but as time went on and kids grew they re-considered, but had taken permanent measures. Measures that they came to regret.<BR/>It was very hard at the time, esp. with the CDN tax system the way it is, but I do think that siblings is the best gift we gave, or could ever give, our children. My kids are 30 to 19 (had my first at 20 and my last at 32). They are good friends, stay in touch - far more than I do with my two sisters - and are good people (even tho' I still want to wring their necks at times!) No regrets.<BR/>But, after the last was born, I waited and waited for that yearning for another baby to come back. It never did. When R was about three, I discovered a serious medical condition that with another pregnancy would probably have cost me my right leg. We decided that our 6 needed a two legged mommy more than they needed another sibling, so we stopped at that point. No regrets. We always kept the door open a bit though, using a FAM instead of a medical method. FAMs allowed us to ask ourselves "Is this a good time to have another child?" and if the answer was Yes, act on it. Unlike having to clean the Pill hormones out of your body before conceiving, for example. <BR/>I don't know if this contribution is of any use to you, but I wanted to add a different perspective on a very common and important decision. I think it's just like knowing that "he's the one" - when it's time to stop, you'll be sure. If you're not sure, then you shouldn't do anything decisive.MOmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06064918097253620269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-81231217774232804012009-01-12T12:59:00.000-05:002009-01-12T12:59:00.000-05:00It's better to stop wishing you'd had more, than t...It's better to stop wishing you'd had more, than to keep going and regret it, in my opinion....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-12380831116641239212009-01-12T02:36:00.000-05:002009-01-12T02:36:00.000-05:00I'm pretty sure we're done now. Or done FOR now. T...I'm pretty sure we're done now. Or done FOR now. There's a lot of stuff I want to do over the next few years. Maybe in the future, who knows? Unless husband runs off and has a secret vasectomy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-24586704173649140682009-01-11T19:44:00.000-05:002009-01-11T19:44:00.000-05:00Wow. I generally don't read all the comments on a ...Wow. I generally don't read all the comments on a blog, but man. <BR/><BR/>Anonymous, I owe you an apology as I was one who called you an 'asshat'. I am sorry. I spoke out of turn in defense of a woman with whom I can relate. <BR/><BR/>Scott, your family was wrong to abuse you and I pray that your sharing your story will help another.Amohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05406745191755932850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-48164885826206123602009-01-11T19:10:00.000-05:002009-01-11T19:10:00.000-05:00I'm done. Knew I was done after the second pregnan...I'm done. Knew I was done after the second pregnancy, still know it now. <BR/><BR/>But the good thing is - you can always change your mind. You don't have to know now. Or...you could know now and know differently in a year or two. <BR/><BR/>I like that approach, personally. Today I can only worry about today.Mom101https://www.blogger.com/profile/15468524489744839899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-77686251066968746642009-01-11T18:25:00.000-05:002009-01-11T18:25:00.000-05:00Um, Scott, I'm trying to be delicate here, but it ...Um, Scott, I'm trying to be delicate here, but it wasn't having 4 kids that led your family and your sibs down this path.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-32042742429865116942009-01-11T18:13:00.000-05:002009-01-11T18:13:00.000-05:00Scott, dude? I don't know you or your family but I...Scott, dude? I don't know you or your family but I can be pretty confident in saying that your family had some massive issues long before #4 came along. I hesitate to say your parents shouldn't have had kids because then you wouldn't be here, but seriously..zchamuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00267244891500316634noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-61990255503976945572009-01-11T18:05:00.000-05:002009-01-11T18:05:00.000-05:00So, Scott, should I tell my fourth child the bad n...So, Scott, should I tell my fourth child the bad news now or wait until my fifth is born in March? I just can't tell, based on your logic. <BR/><BR/>Catherine, I was unsure if I was done at 2, and #3 was a most ill-timed surprise. But he ended up being the best thing for our little family...SUCH an easy transition, and he actually opened me up to the idea of having even more kids because I realized that you really do start to get the hang of it after two (or else maybe you lose the part of yourself that cares that you don't have the hang of it?)<BR/><BR/>I would never tell somebody to have another child unless they really wanted to, but if you don't feel done, I'd tell you that you just can't know how much you can handle, what a great mom you really can be to three (even if going from 1-2 was hard--as it was for me), and how much it might enrich your life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-51361518590706989502009-01-11T17:33:00.000-05:002009-01-11T17:33:00.000-05:00Scott - um, whoa.Scott - um, whoa.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-66477733544669962212009-01-11T16:50:00.000-05:002009-01-11T16:50:00.000-05:00Oh Catherine...I get this too, on so many differen...Oh Catherine...<BR/><BR/>I get this too, on so many different levels. With three, the youngest being 5, I long for those newborn days, the smell of baby hair and the feeling of life growing inside of me. But I am done, physically, and even though the years fade the birth of my daughter, my last, and quite a traumatic birth it was, I still would do it all again, if you asked me, and put my health at risk because no pull has ever been greater in my life than the pull to be a mom.<BR/><BR/>Sigh.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for this.carriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04038972194323564240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-693208334261455892009-01-11T11:58:00.000-05:002009-01-11T11:58:00.000-05:00We made it surgically official that we were/are d...We made it surgically official that we were/are done. Funny, I still get butterflies every time we do that thing that before might have gotten me pregnant. Even though the decision has been made, a part of me will always long.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06785403140233495009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-40662002190675145762009-01-11T04:58:00.000-05:002009-01-11T04:58:00.000-05:00I am 42, and the last of four children--two girls,...I am 42, and the last of four children--two girls, two boys. Both parents are still living. The first child, Cathy, is a typical first-born--take charge, make decisions for the youngest, etc. The second-born, Mike, was homosexual, and died of AIDS at age 33. The third-born, Elaine, is very apathetic, and the least intelligent. And I suffer from mental illness, and have to take medication for it. <BR/><BR/>Mental illness is inherent, and it is clear that both our parents have it, also. In fact, the only one of us who didn't have mental illness was Mike, but he had a psychosexual disorder that ultimately killed him. I am the most intelligent child, but also the one most mentally-ill. My parents claim that I was a pleasant surprise--though my dad got a vasectomy right after I was born. <BR/><BR/>Maybe I was a pleasant surprise, but that didn't last. My dad beat me, mercilessly, with the support of my mom. I am the only child who was abused (to my knowledge). My mom and dad abused me physically until I had grown bigger and stronger than either of them. But they still abuse me emotionally. And the older they get (he is 75, she is 74), the more emotionally-abusive they get. <BR/><BR/>Furthermore, my parents have always favored the daughters over the sons. As one of my past psychiatrists pointed out to me--it was never okay to be male, in my family. My mom, in particular, constantly talks on the phone with my sisters (who each live in another city, just as I do). She has call-waiting, but will not answer when I call. But if I'm talking to her, and one of my sisters calls, she hangs up on me and takes Elaine's or Cathy's call.<BR/><BR/>I have never been married (although definitely heterosexual, I've always been very unlucky with the opposite sex), and have sired no children.<BR/><BR/>I cannot advise you as to whether or not to have a third child. But coming from a family of four children, and knowing the possible consequences--especially how the last-born can inadvertently bring out the worst in his/her parents--I would definitely consider this paradigm, if I were you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-72213922129779374582009-01-11T04:33:00.000-05:002009-01-11T04:33:00.000-05:00sorry to break it to you but if you aren't sure th...sorry to break it to you but <BR/>if you aren't sure then you are NOT doneStampingBettyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06209018381719147892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-78617788303518299892009-01-10T19:05:00.000-05:002009-01-10T19:05:00.000-05:00You don't ever know. And you don't ever stop being...You don't ever know. And you don't ever stop being a mommy, no matter how old they get and you are. Your identity as "a woman without children" is largely gone. PART of your new identity is "woman with children" but that's not all you are or will be. Your comments about balance were so interesting to me because those of us who had intentional third children didn't feel that balance and when we had our third felt completion. So there's my two cents.Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03313726816776097840noreply@blogger.com