tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post116311247631823273..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: What The Heart Doesn't KnowHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-27876433974199475202007-03-23T00:12:00.000-04:002007-03-23T00:12:00.000-04:00So since you're ALMOST at 100 comments, I'll share...So since you're ALMOST at 100 comments, I'll share my story.<BR/><BR/>Baby #1, no plan, I thought I had the flu<BR/>Baby #2, planned, 3 rounds of Clomid<BR/>Baby #3, Surprise! Super PPD after<BR/>Baby #4, Uhhh...<BR/><BR/>I also had a couple miscarriages in there, but am so glad we had all four kids. You really don't know that you are missing someone in the family until they come along. <BR/><BR/>I hope that you will feel the same thing and not worry too much about adding another child. Babyluv is magic and all inclusive. As much as you LOVE WonderBaby with everything that you are, baby2 (or more) will be just as loved as she. Count on it.The Estrogen Fileshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02995416882864545267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-10930473804344649142007-03-21T20:21:00.000-04:002007-03-21T20:21:00.000-04:00Wow, Lady, you totally mirror my own feelings on t...Wow, Lady, you totally mirror my own feelings on this topic.<BR/><BR/>I hear ya, I feel ya. I've angsted all over my blog on this topic, too.<BR/><BR/>I feel very ambivalent about baby #2, and very pressured to decide something soon (by whom, I've yet to figure out; basically, it's all in my head). <BR/><BR/>Our first months with our son were SO traumatizing (and he was a GOOD baby - the change and adjustment and lack of sleep were just too shocking for us), and based on that, we're REALLY hesitant to go through another pregnancy. <BR/><BR/>And like you, I have an incredible support system - which makes me feel like a piece of shit that I feel like I couldn't handle another baby.<BR/><BR/>Seriously, it's like you read my mind.Terehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15850314798468099658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-53136770890463786632007-03-14T00:32:00.000-04:002007-03-14T00:32:00.000-04:00I think most moms struggle with this. Even after t...I think most moms struggle with this. Even after they become pregnant with another child. I worried that I'd be cheating my daughter out of time with me. I worried that I'd be chancing the happy fact that I had one healthy kid. I worried that I couldn't handle 2 kids. <BR/><BR/>The truth is, you're not cheating your child by having another. They gain so much by having a sibling and learn so much about social interaction. Time? Well, they get time with a sibling. Just as valuable as parent time. The health thing, well, just blind faith on that I guess.<BR/><BR/>I tend to think of the future and when I'm gone. I want my kids to have family even when I'm gone.<BR/><BR/>We've been trying for #3 for more than a year (shhh, don't tell anyone!) I told my hubby when we were discussing adding another child "If I have to choose between a bigger house and another family member to love, I choose the family member." <BR/><BR/>unfortunately it is looking like I'll have to settle for the bigger house.<BR/><BR/>"You'll never regret the kids you have, just the ones you don't."Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01979925607834752536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-72682990200120774142007-03-14T00:31:00.000-04:002007-03-14T00:31:00.000-04:00I think most moms struggle with this. Even after t...I think most moms struggle with this. Even after they become pregnant with another child. I worried that I'd be cheating my daughter out of time with me. I worried that I'd be chancing the happy fact that I had one healthy kid. I worried that I couldn't handle 2 kids. <BR/><BR/>The truth is, you're not cheating your child by having another. They gain so much by having a sibling and learn so much about social interaction. Time? Well, they get time with a sibling. Just as valuable as parent time. The health thing, well, just blind faith on that I guess.<BR/><BR/>I tend to think of the future and when I'm gone. I want my kids to have family even when I'm gone.<BR/><BR/>We've been trying for #3 for more than a year (shhh, don't tell anyone!) I told my hubby when we were discussing adding another child "If I have to choose between a bigger house and another family member to love, I choose the family member." <BR/><BR/>unfortunately it is looking like I'll have to settle for the bigger house.<BR/><BR/>"You'll never regret the kids you have, just the ones you don't."Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01979925607834752536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-7373756500496199252007-03-14T00:29:00.000-04:002007-03-14T00:29:00.000-04:00I think most moms struggle with this. Even after t...I think most moms struggle with this. Even after they become pregnant with another child. I worried that I'd be cheating my daughter out of time with me. I worried that I'd be chancing the happy fact that I had one healthy kid. I worried that I couldn't handle 2 kids. <BR/><BR/>The truth is, you're not cheating your child by having another. They gain so much by having a sibling and learn so much about social interaction. Time? Well, they get time with a sibling. Just as valuable as parent time. The health thing, well, just blind faith on that I guess.<BR/><BR/>I tend to think of the future and when I'm gone. I want my kids to have family even when I'm gone.<BR/><BR/>We've been trying for #3 for more than a year (shhh, don't tell anyone!) I told my hubby when we were discussing adding another child "If I have to choose between a bigger house and another family member to love, I choose the family member." <BR/><BR/>unfortunately it is looking like I'll have to settle for the bigger house.<BR/><BR/>"You'll never regret the kids you have, just the ones you don't."Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01979925607834752536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163860965450608262006-11-18T09:42:00.000-05:002006-11-18T09:42:00.000-05:00As a mother of four adopted, one biological and ad...As a mother of four adopted, one biological and adopting another child in the Spring, I would echo your comment on having an infinite amount of love to give. Even if I don't have enough time in the day for everything, I know that I love my children and they know, feel and experience the love that I have to give.<BR/>It's a unique experience for everyone. Wonderbaby will grow up fine as an only child and Wonderbaby will grow up great with a sibling. Either way, know that you are blessed.tallulahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02844399832417509801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163619382012869982006-11-15T14:36:00.000-05:002006-11-15T14:36:00.000-05:00My homeopath recommended having baby #2 so I don't...My homeopath recommended having baby #2 so I don't put all my effed up shit onto just one child. Plus, I'll be so tired after two that I won't be able to think about how shite I am at motehring. How's that for perspective?scarbie dollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15067032043776994982noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163465461024568572006-11-13T19:51:00.000-05:002006-11-13T19:51:00.000-05:00Here's a secret about me: I am a little bit reliev...Here's a secret about me: I am a little bit relieved that this probably won't ever be an issue for me. I'm 35 now and with the amount of time it took us to get pregnant the first time around, we are fairly sure that we won't have a second. <BR/>I've thought about how we might try in another few years, but I don't think we'll try that hard and I'm okay with that. It makes me feel like I'm off the hook from having to agonize over the decision.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163452645394779412006-11-13T16:17:00.000-05:002006-11-13T16:17:00.000-05:00Totally off topic, isn't that refreshing? Just an...Totally off topic, isn't that refreshing? Just an aberrant, no place to land comment. I read your list of blogs-to-be and noticed the one about weaning. I was asked about how I weaned my daughter years ago because most people didn't breast feed and there wasn't much in the way of resources out there. I felt stupid because I didn't do anything. My daughter just started eating more solid food and was eating less and less when nursing. I stopped offering until she indicated an interest and she never showed any interest on her own. Since that was such a brainless answer, I called up my daughter and asked her the same question. I had to laugh because she had the same answer. The only difference was that the grandson would put away enormous amounts of food. They had to start finger foods rapidly because anytime the spoon was not full of food and actually in his mouth he was yelling very loudly. He only has loud and off volume settings. His cup only held water until about the time he stopped nursing. They had sometimes offered him milk but he refused it. About the time he gave up nursing he accepted milk when offered and began to ask for it in his cup. He was then on dairy exclusively.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163441386051039322006-11-13T13:09:00.000-05:002006-11-13T13:09:00.000-05:00Since I am NINETIETH here, I doubt I'll have anyth...Since I am NINETIETH here, I doubt I'll have anything to add that hasn't been said more eloquently. But I will anyway:<BR/><BR/>1. Your husband is right<BR/>2. There's no right answer. There's also no right time. <BR/>3. I am freaking out about child #2 as we speak, which puts me in an interesting predicament, as it is already growing in my uterus. <BR/>4. You are loved, you are loving, you are worthy. <BR/><BR/>I cannot tell you what to do or what not to do. But I will so look at #2 hard.Mom101https://www.blogger.com/profile/15468524489744839899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163420972119533412006-11-13T07:29:00.000-05:002006-11-13T07:29:00.000-05:00Planned #2 - born almost exactly two years after t...Planned #2 - born almost exactly two years after the first.<BR/><BR/>Looking back, it was nothing short of a miracle.<BR/><BR/>You'll know when you know. Don't fret.Ruth Dynamitehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06161626814106717754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163302566230852012006-11-11T22:36:00.000-05:002006-11-11T22:36:00.000-05:00I too am struggling with the decision of having a ...I too am struggling with the decision of having a second child. While most of my worries are similar to yours-my biggest fear is somewhat different. Our first pregnancy ended with the birth of a beautiful boy, my near death and a hysterectomy. I am now debating having a second child via surrogacy. Your words echo in my ears and fill my eyes with tears..."having another child will give WonderBaby something that I certainly can never provide to her on my own: someone else to love, and be loved by. Someone, other than me, for her to play with, conspire with, imagine with, fight with. Someone to grow up with." Good luck in your decision, and remember the love for a child is so pure-I don't believe that you could look in the eyes of a second child and regret the decision to have him/her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163293588146456822006-11-11T20:06:00.000-05:002006-11-11T20:06:00.000-05:00I got the courage up to have another child only af...I got the courage up to have another child only after my first born turned four. Once I got pregnant again, I freaked. Then I miscarried and freaked harder. It was then I really felt I wanted to have another but also knew that whatever was meant to be was OK with me. I was undecided in my own way and I understand what you are saying here. I wrote the story of my experience and had an editor for a big magazine read through it and he (yes, a man) said I was too wishy washy in the end of the story and that people hate wishy washy in articles. Um HELLO I thought, of course I'm wishy wahsy and undecided...my god HAVE YOU EVER HAD A BABY MR EDITOR?? OR BETTER YET, A MISCARRIAGE?<BR/>Duh. Anyway, all that to say, I hear you loud and clear and not knowing is OK my friend. It's OK.tracey clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17137351051366653697noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163289176705730612006-11-11T18:52:00.000-05:002006-11-11T18:52:00.000-05:00i decided i couldn't go through the difficulties a...i decided i couldn't go through the difficulties again (i had a miscarriage before my son and then huge problems with his birth and him being prem and all sorts of other stuff) so we decided not to have more. <BR/><BR/>as he turned out to be autistic and have adhd it became a bit of a relief as a second one would either be another whirlwind like him or be a victim of his rages. so having only the one was ok for us. <BR/><BR/>you need to work out what is right for you. it is not compulsory to have more than one if you think it would be tough.joker the lurcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17260629209872897792noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163283740746407602006-11-11T17:22:00.000-05:002006-11-11T17:22:00.000-05:00Every day I redecide. Sometimes more than once a ...Every day I redecide. Sometimes more than once a day.nonlineargirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05414675024101618604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163278783619663462006-11-11T15:59:00.000-05:002006-11-11T15:59:00.000-05:00I've landed myself three. My first is a sensitive ...I've landed myself three. My first is a sensitive thinker. After 5 years (which included one pregnancy loss) we gave him a gift of a younger brother. It settled and soothed him in amazing ways. He grew up in those first months from preschooler to older brother and drank it up like cool water on a hot day. It was a planned event, though it had taken longer than I had hoped it would, so there was some relief. The brother we gave him is just a little Puppy at heart who now follows him around making attempts to imitate, play, wrestle, and even helps himself to a juice box while grabbing one for his big brother in the same moment. It's beautiful. At age 22 months our litte puppy became a big brother (bringing the boy total to 3 in 7 years!). This was a surprise, a big one, as my middle child is well, spirited, sweet, but very spirited and hugely energetic, as well as also having health complaints (GERD, chronic ear infections,etc) Having to do toddlerhood with an energetic, strong-willed puppy dog of a boy while pregnant was well, a source of great misery to me. My whole body ached. The nursery he goes to for two days a week is an oasis in the dessert for the two of us. He had friends, toys, no frustrations because it was completely child-proofed, unlike home, which is well, a home with computers and dvds and potties which are "no-no touches." Everything at the nursery is centered around toddlers, whereas at home, I work here, I have to clean, there are competing agendas. I say no to the guilt, it is a gift to any toddler to have other people to care for them and make life happy and carefree even if just for the afternoon. And now my newest is the youngest and is delight to both boys. My 2 year old longs for the baby to be able to run and play and it really will be in just a few short months (we have to make it through winter). He is learning to give of himself, even offering up the beloved passy to the crying baby, trying to pick him up to play with him (saying I carry you, I carry you) and soothe him during diaper changes ("I know, I know".) I never thought my high-demand, always sick toddler would learn so young to give, to cherish, to nurture. It is having a profound effect on how I view him. He takes (and takes and takes) but he gives as well to all of us and it is beautiful. My big kid gets to escape baby world at school every day and my toddler gets to escape sharing mommy at the nursery. It's lovely for me and them and everyday I say no to the guilt! Have fun with your one and when you are ready number two (or three) will give you and even fuller experience of your older child - it's great to get to know other parts of our own kids that weren't visible to us before! And as always, thanks for your post!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163275290693041892006-11-11T15:01:00.000-05:002006-11-11T15:01:00.000-05:00I noticed that there are very few, if any, parents...I noticed that there are very few, if any, parents of onlies here. I too wrestled with the same questions that you are, an ultimately ended up staying with one child. <BR/><BR/>My response is over on my blog at http://www.cookienotes.blogspot.comScatteredmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07605640876979580340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163267899303921632006-11-11T12:58:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:58:00.000-05:00Hoo, boy. Sometimes when I read your blog I wonde...Hoo, boy. Sometimes when I read your blog I wonder if I am in fact a somnabublogger, and actually typing Her Bad Mother in my sleep. And then I remember how much more articulately you convey this stuff than I do, and think, rats, that would have been kind of cool.<BR/><BR/>I too am struggling with the whole idea of a second child. I recently blogged about the decision that I do in fact want one, and I do. It's the whole actually doing it part that still seems to be in flux. So many factors, all the ones you mentioned plus finances, sanity, and ever getting a single decent night's sleep again. Weighing in against the idea that I will never feel little feet on my ribcage again, or smell baby hair, or know the great flooding rush of wonder that comes the first time your child says "Momma". I think all my reasons for wanting another child are selfish, as are all my reasons for NOT wanting one. I don't think anyone knows how it will work until they do it.Mommygothhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14584517101798904292noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163266111643102652006-11-11T12:28:00.000-05:002006-11-11T12:28:00.000-05:00I have ALWAYS known I wanted a lot of kids. It wa...I have ALWAYS known I wanted a lot of kids. It was the only thing about my life I have ever been absolutely sure about. I wasn't sure on the actual number, and when we had three, I thought we were done, but when we had our surprise of number 4, I was totally happy. I could never say I was absolutely done (except now because of my hysterectomy) because I always knew I would never be sad about another baby.<BR/><BR/>BUT, some people don't know and have more, and some people don't know and don't have more. It is a very personal decision. Whatever you decide will be wonderful and perfect. <BR/><BR/>Imagine how much fun it would be to only have one and be able to help in the classroom, do anything your child needs or wants to do without having to juggle other kids. Now imagine having a sibling for your baby to love and grow up with. Another baby to love and learn with. A baby for Wonderbaby to teach and make them both feel super special. See? Both ways are good and whichever one you choose will be a perfect fit for you and your family. <BR/><BR/>Just because you are a great mom (and you are!) doesn't mean you have to have or not have another baby. Good luck deciding!Radioactive Torihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01588217525296865718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163258838882610192006-11-11T10:27:00.000-05:002006-11-11T10:27:00.000-05:00My two oldest are 2 1/2 yrs apart (a little too cl...My two oldest are 2 1/2 yrs apart (a little too close for me...but the second baby was a surprise!) and now that they are older, it really is great. I thank God that they have each other, no matter what...even though they might fight constantly, I know they love each other like crazy. <BR/><BR/>As for the whole idea of how the hell will my heart ever stretch enough to love another baby? I remember thinking that when I found out i was preg. with number two. The only way I could rest was by just allowing myself to know that that might actually happen (that's how strongly I felt it). I don't have to tell you, the second baby number two popped out, he was my LOVE! My baby! My heart physically ached because I loved him so much! So much for all my worries.<BR/><BR/>Now here's the weird part...in Aug. '05, I had baby number three and we (especially husband) are going to try for a fourth in the near future, but I am going through the same thoughts! I know they are crazy! I know for a fact it won't be a problem, but it's one of the main reasons that I can't even bear the thought of getting preg. for a long time (and we're not getting any younger!). I don't know how I could possibly love another baby. So stupid, since I've proven to myself it's not an issue as soon as they pop out. Ugh.<BR/><BR/>This has got to be some sort of biological trick that served some purpose a million years ago, but still sticks around for whatever reason, or why would almost every mom (old or new) feel it? <BR/><BR/>As for the actual day to day work, you can do it, but I'm not going to lie, it was not all happy happy joy joy, like some of my friends made it out to be. It was absolutely nuts for the first year or so (esp. since I nursed #2 for over a year). But, like every challenge, you just take it day by day and before you know it, everyone is peeing on the potty themselves, and the physical work starts easing up...only for the mental challenges (that older kids provide) to get worse!<BR/><BR/>Anyways, I hope this made some sense...and I wish you peace with whatever you decide. : )Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13981872852845215642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163252153846824992006-11-11T08:35:00.000-05:002006-11-11T08:35:00.000-05:00Sometimes my husband and I think were crazy for wa...Sometimes my husband and I think were crazy for wanting another child as this one is a lot of work! Other times its like oh it would be nice for him to have a sister and my clock is ticking too...<BR/><BR/>I think to get pregant you plan it...but you also have to have sex. ARE YOU HAVING SEX? I'm jealous if you are! LOLAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163220948914309152006-11-10T23:55:00.000-05:002006-11-10T23:55:00.000-05:00#2 was a surprise for me... we experienced what is...#2 was a surprise for me... we experienced what is called 'natural childspacing'... I had some of your concerns -- mostly that we would 'not be up to it'. We aren't but I don't care.<BR/><BR/>I often think about what Mary P said when I expressed my concerns <A HREF="http://motherwoman.blogspot.com/2006/06/and-then-theres-maude.html" REL="nofollow">like these</A>. The children are very much for each other and not something of/for us. With the birth of our son I think our daughter come to know love in a way she would not if she was stuck with 'just us' in our family. I tell her -- that is your brother and he will love you for your whole life. She get that.<BR/><BR/>So there you go one more thing! -- Disclose on this and similar in my post todaymo-wohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10934156423936866994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163216174939809462006-11-10T22:36:00.000-05:002006-11-10T22:36:00.000-05:00I told my husband we were pregnant with our second...I told my husband we were pregnant with our second a week shy of our daughter's first birthday. We knew we wanted another, but were at the mercy of my cycle returning since I was still nursing our daughter- all the platitudes about having a greater capacity for love than you knew are true...I was hammered with guilt when I started to show that I was shafting my first daughter by giving her just a year of being the center of our universe. It was for not. I can tell you for us, after a tense 2 weeks at home with daughter number two, it was a love affair. These girls are devoted to each other and I am able to look at them and know that they will always have one another. I am in constant wonder that they are so different and that I love them both so passionately. Not that it's any of my business, but I say go for it mama.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06785403140233495009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163213328917462282006-11-10T21:48:00.000-05:002006-11-10T21:48:00.000-05:00I have three kids and they were all planned, in th...I have three kids and they were all planned, in that I just desperately wanted each of them. In each case, it was a blind leap of faith that I would be able to do it - and I was. More or less. Imperfectly.<BR/>When I was pregnant with my second child, I was terrified - how could I possibly love anyone as much, how could I split my time and my heart in two? And again, however imperfectly, it just happens.<BR/>Not that you need more than one, but you'll know if you do, if you know what I mean.Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13953517447164263617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1163212517681054212006-11-10T21:35:00.000-05:002006-11-10T21:35:00.000-05:00Well, as you know, I'm pregnant with #2, who was p...Well, as you know, I'm pregnant with #2, who was planned just like Cordy, and I still don't quite know how I feel. I mean, we wanted a second child, we figured this was the right time, but I still have days where I fall into a panic attack wondering what in the hell I'm doing.<BR/><BR/>As for worrying about time, I think it is perfectly OK to want time away from your kids, and kids need time away from mom, too. My grandmother told me that as a baby, she was laid on the bed for most of the day while her mother did other things, and the older kids watched over her. She still loved her mother. As a mother herself, my grandmother forced her three girls to play outside to give her some time alone. My mom is thankful she always sent her outside to explore her world.<BR/><BR/>My own mom (single mom) had a reliable babysitter who I was so close with I called her "Grandma Babysitter". She was a third grandmother to me, a family member to me, and when she died I came back from college to attend her funeral and mourned her loss. Loving her didn't make me love my mother any less. <BR/><BR/>I still feel guilty sometimes when I want alone time, but then I realize that Cordy needs time away from me, too. And I think having a sibling will give her a chance to have another person to love, and someone to play with or at least divert some of her attention to. There will still never be enough time, but as long as the time spent with my kids is quality time, at least I'll feel like I'm doing OK.Christinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07345875955750219033noreply@blogger.com