tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post115133649659268942..comments2023-11-02T08:09:02.234-04:00Comments on Her Bad Mother: How To Lose a Friend in 10 MonthsHer Bad Motherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-72830555947947802252008-07-31T10:12:00.000-04:002008-07-31T10:12:00.000-04:00This is my first time reading your blog and my fir...This is my first time reading your blog and my first time responding to any blog. I searched for this topic on google because I'm trying to deal with life on the other end of the spectrum. I think its great you are able to feel connected to the world through blogging. What a great time we live in! <BR/><BR/>My 2 closest friends had babies within the past couple of years. I am hopeful that soon I will have kids--I'm engaged to be married in a month, and we want to start trying soon after. It was strange because of the three of us our one friend, H, had a baby first and the two of us childless ones were left wondering "what happened to her?" It was like she fell of the face of the earth. And she didn't express to us how hard it was to return our calls, she didn't invite us to the baptism or 1 year old party. She didn't meet my now fiancee until a year after we had started dating. We were just cut off by her. Then the other friend, S, got pregnant--with twins! I was estatic for her because she had been trying for 7 years and had gone through great lengths to get pregnant. Now the twins are 10 months old and the hardest part is that she moved 2 hours away while still pregnant. Despite her distance she is my maid of honor, she calls me when the kids are napping. She emails me, sends me pictures of them, made it up to one of my dress shopping experiences. She has told me about how they haven't slept in 3 days. She hasn't cut me out of her life. <BR/><BR/>It is a 2-way street. It is hard for the ones left behind because they can't understand and it's this exclusive club that they aren't allowed to enter. But you can take pictures and share stories and invite them to peek through the back door. The first friend, H, still lives 20 minutes away. I know she cares about me and considers me a friend. I have thought about saying something to her but I don't know what to say without sounding "selfish" and like a "bad friend" i just miss knowing her. Maybe if she had a blog I wouldn't feel so bad cuz at least then I'd have some portal into her life. Good for you for finding an outlet to share with others that understand you. This has helped me writing this, maybe I need to start a blog! What would you mommies out there advise us non-mommy friends to do?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-25675626897145432932007-10-19T19:53:00.000-04:002007-10-19T19:53:00.000-04:00This just happened to me a few days ago. Friendsh...This just happened to me a few days ago. Friendship of 11 years, suddenly just...gone.<BR/><BR/>Blogging was a big part of the reason why.<BR/><BR/>She always said that she would do everything she could and never just walk away, but in the end all it took was one e-mail that said "I can't stay in this friendship any longer."<BR/><BR/>The worst thing?<BR/><BR/>I had been horribly sick for months, going to docs and trying to figure out if I had some life altering disease...sick, scared, and depressed. She waited until I was well and dropped the bomb. I feel like all that time she was simply humouring me.Scatteredmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07605640876979580340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1164676045708220522006-11-27T20:07:00.000-05:002006-11-27T20:07:00.000-05:00Home Repair BlogersGreat Home Maintenance advice c...Home Repair Blogers<BR/><BR/>Great <A HREF="http://fallbrookremodeling.com/sitemap_1.html" REL="nofollow">Home Maintenance</A> advice can be founf at http://fallbrookremodeling.com/sitemap_1.html . We are starting a home improvement site for home remodeling experts and home owners.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1162584582826014482006-11-03T15:09:00.000-05:002006-11-03T15:09:00.000-05:00Hey, Anonymous.My (former) friend was not being sl...Hey, Anonymous.<BR/><BR/>My (former) friend was not being slammed - by me, anyway. I was simply expressing my hurt that she would abandon the friendship. She made a choice, I don't like that choice, there you go.<BR/><BR/>You're right that time spent blogging - at whatever hour - could be time spent sending e-mails. I didn't stop communicating with this friend - I still sent and responded to e-mails - but the communication did become less frequent. On BOTH sides. The thing was, I had made it clear that my time was really, really pressed, what with a new baby and all (and? Can I add? There is NO WORK in this world that is as bone-crushingly and psychically tiring. You will never know this unless you have a baby. Sorry. I don't care how many companies you run or how early you get up - it's not the same.) <BR/><BR/>I was exhausted, all of the time. And fighting off PPD. Writing was a life-saver. Friend knew this. But Friend couldn't see past her own issues in order to give me the time and support to get used to my new life.<BR/><BR/>Sure, communication runs two ways. But shouldn't good friends recognize and be patient and supportive during difficult times? This friend just wrote me off, didn't even try to work things out, not even when I asked her to NOT write me off. She didn't want to hear it. That's not good friendship.Her Bad Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03535958887714152413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1162582538957037662006-11-03T14:35:00.000-05:002006-11-03T14:35:00.000-05:00Well... here I am the lady with no baby and no int...Well... here I am the lady with no baby and no intentions of having one. I would like to leave a comment on behalf of the lady being slammed, in support of the lady being slammed.<BR/>Have you considered that it is not the blogging taking place that has left her heart broken but perhaps the fact that you do not pick up the phone and call. You do not take 2 minutes to send her an email, when you have more than 2 minutes to write to the rest of the world?<BR/>That perhaps you have left her out of your life when she never left you out of hers?<BR/>I too am "mourning the loss" of my best friend who just had a baby.<BR/>I think a lot of your are correct in your stance of communication. But do you want to call your best friend and say... hey ... why don't you call anymore? It's pretty obvious when someone does not call you and they used to call everyday. She knows she doesn't call.<BR/>I call every week just to keep in touch. There are no returned phone calls. I know she still likes me and I am still considered a friend. But when the phone calls that you used to get are now going to new people (with babies and children) it makes you wonder if perhaps you are being forgotten because you don't have a baby-you can't possibly understand. I say try me... pick up the phone and try me ... I just might understand.. but I can't if you don't call.<BR/>OK so before all you mummies out there start slamming me .. which of course I expect, as I get that in the community I live in. "She doesn't understand how much work it is to have a baby."<BR/>Sorry ladies... life is work... and when you choose to have a baby ... that's what's going to happen... you are going to have to work hard at maintaining your life... that means maintaining friendships... They are a two way street.<BR/>I too am incredibly busy I run two companies and also have to clean the house, wash clothes, wash the floor. I work just as long hours as a mother with a baby (might I add that I don't get to sleep in because the baby didn't wake me this morning.. no I still have to get up at the same time and get my work done).<BR/>So in closing... all you ladies with new babies. Don't forget your friends are still there. We are busy and we make the time for you. Friendships are relationships it take two to have one. So pick up the phone or send an email. Be persistant.<BR/>If you want a friendship then you need to be a communicater to.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1162022421482720822006-10-28T04:00:00.000-04:002006-10-28T04:00:00.000-04:00The same thing happened to me - my best friend had...The same thing happened to me - my best friend had her baby and didn't have the time for me. Given the fact that i had just experienced the worst three months of my life with a death in the family, it was difficult for both of us. I didn't understand her new situation and she didn't understand mine. Unfortunately she didn't have the head space or time to try and understand mine. It was a difficult for both of us. But because she has a baby everything has to be on her terms. Just once I would like her to call me and see how I am, see how sad I am, see how lonely I am. She gained and I lost, but she doesn't seem to realise this. She thinks it was the most difficult time in her life for her, but it is the beginning of a beautiful life. Unfortunately you never know until you experience it. I won't know what it is like till i have a baby, and she won't know until she experiences what i did. And i don't want her to have the same experiences as me. I would just like some consideration of my circumstances.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1156379278653092692006-08-23T20:27:00.000-04:002006-08-23T20:27:00.000-04:00Hi, I just came across your blog. I can relate so ...Hi, I just came across your blog. I can relate so much to what you are saying. I too do not like to "share" my feelings and thoughts and all that other stuff with my friends. I blog about it. <BR/><BR/>I too lost friends once I got married and had a child. My single friends didn't get it. Finally when they got married and had children they contacted me to finally say "im, sorry! I now know what you meant". It's a shame that people can't adapt and understand when you have children that your life will change. That you will no longer be able to do things you used to do. But eventually they will "get it". <BR/>I am going through a loss of friendship(s) lately due to other reasons that I even don't fully understand. <BR/>I wish you luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152677132587496632006-07-12T00:05:00.000-04:002006-07-12T00:05:00.000-04:00I just discovered your blog through a friend of a ...I just discovered your blog through a friend of a friend and am so impressed by your great writing, humour and honesty.<BR/><BR/>Your post about the loss of a friendship due to new parenthood is so powerful. You mention that all "the books" etc. warn us about this, but it's so hard to find anything honest and accurate about what really happens to the social lives of new moms (especially how hard it is to manage one's social life after a baby!!). I have been thinking a lot about how I treated my old girlfriends that had children before me. I "get it" now, but I certainly wasn't all that understanding, nor was I the friend that I could have been. Perhaps, your friend will come around one day (after she's had children, of course!).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152154333603954772006-07-05T22:52:00.000-04:002006-07-05T22:52:00.000-04:00Isn't it odd that our friends don't always come al...Isn't it odd that our friends don't always come along with us on the ride that parenthood takes us on. We become such different people, while still trying to be ourselves in some way.<BR/>I am sorry you lost your friend. I will not say you are better off without her, as I do not know her. But it certainly seems that there are bigger issues at work on her side than just your blogging.<BR/><BR/>The best part about life is making the new friends. The unexpected friends. The ones you didn't even know were coming along.Gidge Urizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14879734082487890329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152154247651592502006-07-05T22:50:00.000-04:002006-07-05T22:50:00.000-04:00You have written something amazing here. I think ...You have written something amazing here. I think that people forget how much easier it is to pour your heart out to a bunch of strangers....strangers that you never see their faces, and unless they post a comment, you don't hear their opinion back therefore you're not afraid of speaking your mind and heart.<BR/><BR/>It is too bad that you have lost a friend over this, however, it is her loss. <BR/><BR/>From one GTA mom to another - HUGS!Jenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09898768632283605520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152110933972889332006-07-05T10:48:00.000-04:002006-07-05T10:48:00.000-04:00Wow.I had one gf who got into a bit of a snit beca...Wow.<BR/>I had one gf who got into a bit of a snit because of my blogging. Same sort of stuff (window licking) but we talked and she realized it was a creative outlet for me, that had nothing to do with our friendship.<BR/>Too bad your gf couldn't understand that. But it would seem that you are better off without her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152072086471619262006-07-05T00:01:00.000-04:002006-07-05T00:01:00.000-04:00I meant to add that I read the post on your Nephew...I meant to add that I read the post on your Nephew. It won't help to tell you how I cried over this, but my heart goes out to you, your nephew, and his family. And I hope someday a cure is found.What's so funny?https://www.blogger.com/profile/03603832472528528628noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152071871990688462006-07-04T23:57:00.000-04:002006-07-04T23:57:00.000-04:00Female relationships are complex - much more so th...Female relationships are complex - much more so than our male counterparts. Multiply that complexity by 2 in adulthood. It becomes even more difficult to attain those bonds. (In fact, I wrote a post about this called "On Women Loving Women".) <BR/><BR/>...and I think technology, not just blogging, makes that gap even wider. <BR/><BR/>I'm one who could NOT let go of old friendships, despite the fact that they'd long since fizzled. I still tried to blow air into a deflated balloon I guess you could say. Why? Because I hate losing people I love in my life and because I was afraid I wouldn't find that kind of connection again. Especially because of all the TIME invested in that relationshiop. <BR/><BR/>Time. It all boils down to that. How can a new mother split her time... <BR/><BR/>So to circle back to my point. You came to a crossroads with your friend. You're not ready to let go. The post speaks to that. You handled the situation eloquently. And be prepared that this may not change her mind. But in a few years, when your child is older and you CAN spend more time on yourself, she may come back into your life. Or maybe by then you will have decided on your own that the friendship was a chapter in your life and you'll close that book and put it on the shelf.<BR/><BR/>This is painful for someone without a child. Because you've grown and moved forward into a place she can not join you. I too have friends in that place. And I feel the gravitational pull. But my child is my first priority. And someday, when she is a woman, I'll prepare her for the same events that challenged me as a new mother as well.<BR/><BR/>Here from Sarah via the Perfect Post Award.<BR/><BR/>Indeed a perfect post it was.What's so funny?https://www.blogger.com/profile/03603832472528528628noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1152056622267428142006-07-04T19:43:00.000-04:002006-07-04T19:43:00.000-04:00I just found your blog, apparently I've been livin...I just found your blog, apparently I've been living under a rock. But Hurray! I did find it.<BR/><BR/>I too struggle with truth in blogging. Especially because right now my husband is the only regular reader of my blog. I started to blog because I needed a place to vent, destress. Since half the time I'm venting about him, or wanting to, I'm not sure it's such a great thing that he reads it. None of my other friends know about my blog, and I think that it will remain that way.<BR/><BR/>On another note, I just finished reading about your nephew Tanner. I spent fifteen summers volunteering with kids with MD at their summer camps in Michigan. Those were some of the best weeks of my life. One of the most memorable moments was listening to a couple of the little boys (six to ten years old) I took care, of talking to each other about what they were going to be when they grew up. It was so NORMAL! Yet, within that conversation was also talk about dying and would they grow up. It was all so matter of fact and none of them seemed upset by it. I think that conversation hit me harder than it did any of them. In our area kids were able to attend summer camp once they were five years old. I hope that is something your nephew gets to experience some day. It's a great place where all the kids with MD get to be "normal" kids for a week.Kristinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15401725929395230941noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151708037800003162006-06-30T18:53:00.000-04:002006-06-30T18:53:00.000-04:00As usual, I'm late to the party... My two closest ...As usual, I'm late to the party... My two closest friends in the world do NOT know about my blog. Part of the reason is because of some of the reasons you also stated; not liking to share etc. I mean, I can vent and be angry and share that with anyone but the more personal things, the things which aren't necessarily secret but the things that are like little peepholes that let you see behind the "mask" and get glimpses of what's really on my mind or in my heart. It's one thing for you to read it on my blog and then get to know me IN THAT WAY. It's another entirely for you to have known me one way for years and then find that there are things you didn't know or never bothered to see or I didn't let you see. So for now, it seems best to keep the old blog to myself, despite the anguish it causes me to keep it hidden from them. I love my blog and honestly, I'm afraid it would ruin it for me. Because, like this comment, it's ALL about me ;p<BR/><BR/>But your friend is kind of making it all about her. A truly good friend might have considered that blogging is good for you and it serves a purpose that you need served. Honestly, she sounds a little jealous. But that's neither here nor there. One thing I've learned is that people come in and out of your life. Period. Saying goodbye hurts but not everything is meant to last forever. Anyway, I've hijacked your comments and I should really just shut up now. {{hugs}}Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151550854774092242006-06-28T23:14:00.000-04:002006-06-28T23:14:00.000-04:00So sorry to be late arriving. I must say I gasped...So sorry to be late arriving. I must say I gasped reading this, because I could so much relate to what you said about not discussing the most upsetting, most critical fears in life with people in real life and out loud. And I have thought about what it's like to have someone I care about read something for the first time on my blog, something I haven't been able to express out loud (this happens to my hubby sometimes) -- but I have decided that the value the blog provides as a release outweighs the risk that I might offend. And, I figure those who truly love me will "get" me in that way.<BR/><BR/>I do hope your friend reads this beautiful piece of writing and can come to her senses. It might well be that the friendship can't be mended, but she'd be well served to realize that this isn't all about her. <BR/><BR/><BR/>Hugs to you, HBM.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151546287892771282006-06-28T21:58:00.000-04:002006-06-28T21:58:00.000-04:00This was an amazing post, as usual. I can complete...This was an amazing post, as usual. I can completely understand the urge to write/blog about something that would be nearly impossible to describe in person. Something about the cool impartiality of the blank page reflects your own mind back to you in a way that another person often cannot.<BR/><BR/>Having a child has affected many of my friendships negatively too...not so much because I blog (although my writing friends wonder why I "waste" my time doing that instead of working on the novel...um, because it's cheaper than therapy and I can do it while Madam is napping) but because they cannot seem to fathom how different my life is now. They expect me to spend my time catching up on the latest indy movies and local theatre scene. Unless you count the local puppet theatre scene, that's just not my life anymore.<BR/><BR/>It sounds like you did your best to include this friend in your life, in spite of your newly constricted free time, but she still thinks you are giving us, your readers, something that you can't give her. And it's too bad that she cannot see that this is the way you are processing this whole amazing, frustrating, frightening, overwhelming motherhood time.<BR/><BR/>Thank you so much for this post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151537053488291912006-06-28T19:24:00.000-04:002006-06-28T19:24:00.000-04:00You're not wrong. You're so right, and you're doin...You're not wrong. You're so right, and you're doing such good for yourself and for the rest of us who, like myself, read this and said, "Yes. That's why I do this." And then said it again when we read the next paragraph. And again.<BR/><BR/>It is not unfair to expect her to adapt. After all, she was expecting you to adapt your motherhood to her needs, why can't you expect her to adapt to your motherhood?<BR/><BR/>As for blogging being bad for real world relationships, I find that blogging primes the pump, getting me started talking. About me, about 3B, about anything. Once I get started, often I keep going in email to friends and family (who are all distant, making phone calls not so easy). I find that, as a result, I'm in closer contact with more people. Sure, most of it is done via the net, but most of my friends and family are distant, making phone calls less convenient, since we're not all awake at the same times.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for writing what I haven't been able to express.Papa Bradsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09795913459610115195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151510406940508662006-06-28T12:00:00.000-04:002006-06-28T12:00:00.000-04:00I'm so sorry that your friend felt the need to e-m...I'm so sorry that your friend felt the need to e-mail you what she did. I'm also sorry to say that in my opinion, if she were a "real" friend, she would totally understand that your life has changed since becoming a mother and she would accept that. I hope that one day she is able to experience motherhood first-hand and realize how hard and wonderful it is and appreciate how you DID try to stay in contact with her the best you could.Silly Hilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11381085189763136258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151503335849602682006-06-28T10:02:00.000-04:002006-06-28T10:02:00.000-04:00Wonderful post and everyeon pretty much said (much...Wonderful post and everyeon pretty much said (much better) what I feel.<BR/><BR/>I do think that friends - like spouses - must learn to accept a persons growing and changing. Relationships can't be static. You have to adapt.<BR/><BR/>-BlueMrsEvilGeniushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02222509804838734889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151503157992678382006-06-28T09:59:00.000-04:002006-06-28T09:59:00.000-04:00Ouch...breaking up is hard to do. Your post really...Ouch...breaking up is hard to do. Your post really resonated, and I am sorry you have had that experience.<BR/>On the other side if blog land, I wrote about how I felt I had broken up with a long term friend, roles were reversed, me the Mum, her not. For many of the same reasons.<BR/>Lesson: freedom of speech it ain't, these darn blogs can get a gal into trouble.<BR/><BR/>Beautiful writing, I will visit again to read....Annecrazymummahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04663148723513574331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151497131041472722006-06-28T08:18:00.000-04:002006-06-28T08:18:00.000-04:00wow, hbm - clearly your post, so eloquent and hone...wow, hbm - clearly your post, so eloquent and honest, has resonated through the hearts of lots of us. i think women - particularly moms - go through this. it happened to me when i got a serious bf (now hubs), it happened when we got engaged, it happened when i had our baby. i don't want to judge your friend, but with the ones that i lost, i realized that they had always had issues with someone being happy when they were not. it was a shock to me too - once we hit a certain age, we don't expect friends we've had for a decade to break up with us. we expect them to share our joy, share our lives and stick it out with us. i'm sure you've lived through her 'distractions' with freindship intact, but she probably doesn't remember that part. <BR/>it's amazing how, just when you think you have a handle on this completely intense, completely new set of circumstances (i.e. motherhood), something happens and you are once again plunged into feeling like everything you've relied on as true is not.karengreenershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02488069680575426742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151487756850404712006-06-28T05:42:00.000-04:002006-06-28T05:42:00.000-04:00Hey lady.. I think you say like 10 times in there ...Hey lady.. I think you say like 10 times in there that you don't know why x or y is the case.. stop it. Who knows why weirdo crap like this happens. Who wants to know?<BR/><BR/>But enough bossiness... I will say I thought blogging would hurt my limited time for 'real-world-friendships', no no no. Has actually been a plus for me and the man. I think prior to our blogging we were much more insular. Now we have renewed devotion to the importance of the multitudes, real and 'imagined', in our family. <BR/><BR/>I agree with MIM that adult relationships entail a number of closures accompanying change. I had a friend break up with me just prior to my pregnancy... I listened to what she said and I guess she might in someways remind me of your case here. In the end, tho' it grieved me.. tho' I was not really used to this sort of shutdown I had to say, "Well it does appear we have achieved a level of dysfunction in our relationship that suggests bye-bye.. so bye-bye." Took me some getting used to... I am sorry, among other things going on with you, this is on your plate, now.<BR/><BR/>alreigggght.. 'nuf from me and my elephant sized comments.mo-wohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10934156423936866994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151480320673187072006-06-28T03:38:00.000-04:002006-06-28T03:38:00.000-04:00Heavy duty stuff here HBM. What a post.Heavy duty stuff here HBM. What a post.tracey clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17137351051366653697noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21558474.post-1151478818321747872006-06-28T03:13:00.000-04:002006-06-28T03:13:00.000-04:00HBM, I'm speechless (or whatever the blog equivale...HBM, I'm speechless (or whatever the blog equivalent would be).<BR/><BR/>I'm sorry you had to find out that your friend is a creep. Perhaps she'll have a baby of her own one day and then she'll "get it," and it will be too late. And she'll get to "mourn the loss of your friendship" all over again.<BR/><BR/>Not that I wish her ill, I'm just sayin'...the mystichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11536278508991059301noreply@blogger.com